Monday Night Football, Basketball, and Ancient Aliens

 DATELINE: Boston’s Conundrum

Green Hornet & Lantern Greens: Hornet & Lantern

For the better part of a decade, there has been no such creature as a head-to-head match-up of the Boston Celtics and the New England Patriots.

It was no contest.  We could plead nolo contendre with gay abandon.

If the two franchises were playing in the same small timeframe, without question, the attention went directly to Belichick, Brady, and their imitation of 1950s-60s Celtics as a football franchise.

Perhaps in some future date the Patriots will have 17 championships and Bill Belichick and Red Auerbach will march, arm in arm, into New England mythology. You will see Tom Brady and Bill Russell matching ring for ring on their fingers.

However, this week in Boston, the conundrum rises anew: the Pats are playing on Monday night, and so are the newly rejuvenated Celtics. Normally, Patriots are sitting court-side at the Celtics game—but both teams are on the road and playing simultaneously.

Nineteen-year old shooter Jayson Tatum is leading the league in three-point shooting. We haven’t seen a 19-year old with this kind of dead eye since Billy the Kid shot up the New Mexico league in 1880.

Brady is twice as old as Tatum, but together they could be an epoch of victors lasting half a century. If Jayson Tatum plays until the mid-2040s, he may be retiring at the same age as Tom.

We are not sure whether we will be around for the accolades and retirement ceremony, but it is possible.

Hardly a man is now alive who saw Babe Ruth pitch for the Red Sox, but we are the recipient of modern medical miracles already.

So, whom will you watch on Monday night?

Fortunately, the new age of technology allows us to put the Patriots on our tablet and the Celtics on our smartphone—and leave our other attention to a new movie on UFOs on cable.

Life is grand nowadays. We are riding in the chariots of the gods.

 

 

 

 

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Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

Jimmy G By-Gone with the Wind

DATELINE:  Cable Cars Come and Go

As coach Swami Bill Belichick said to Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”  With those words, the quarterback of the Patriots future went West, Young Man.

With NFL QBs at a premium, and with their quarterback of the future under contract for two more years, the Patriots felt strongly they could send Jimmy G packing before the Curse of the Broken Brady Mirror caused untolled grief in New England.

Though thought to be set as the next Franchise Player, arrested and held in house for next season, it appears that another Tom Brady acolyte will be running his own team sooner than later.

The San Francisco 49ers will not re-sign Colin Kaepernick now that Jimmy will be high-stepping and standing up for Country.

As for the Patriots, the Patriots are left with only one young, handsome immortal:  the ever-perennial blooming Jack Benny of the Gridiron. Tom plans to stick around.

Who then shall take a seat behind Brady for the rest of the season? Surely, Trump-loving Belichick will not stand for Colin Kaepernick. No, he won’t have to. It appears the 49ers will release Brian Hoyer, Tom’s past backup QB. Tom’s other backups are all hard at work with other teams:  Jacoby, Matts 1 & 2,  and now again Brian–but hold on to your past backup.

Everything comes full circle. The one-time Brady backup Hoyer who flopped in San Francisco and left his heart on the field will return to New England where the splinters in his pants are awaiting a reunion with his former championship team.

Well, now, you don’t need a rear-view mirror after all, Tom.  Take Maxwell’s Silver Hammer to another one.

Is Bill Belichick Above the Law?

DATELINE: Avoiding Witness Stand

 best buds?

While deliberations of the jury entered the fifth day, reports came forth that Jose Baez did indeed try to subpoena New England’s head coach, Bill ‘Don’t Call Me Swami’ Belichick.

We learned that old Belichick has the speed and agility of a young Dak Prescott by managing with guile, speed, and legal talent, to avoid the process servers of Baez.

Apparently Baez is not too smart when it comes to finding someone to serve his summons. Reporters have been able to find Belichick everywhere since the season ended, including the front row of the parquet at Boston Garden for a Celtics game.

Alas, they could not reach Belichick. His armed guards must be better at blocking the enemy than Tom Brady’s linemen.

NFL law means never having to answer to a court summons. So, Belichick called Judge Jeffrey Locke to see if there were any ramifications in avoiding testimony.

Baez thought he did not finally need Belichick.  He seems confident that Hernandez will walk away from the double-murder charge.

Feeling above the law, Belichick gave an interview just five days ago in which he called the Hernandez case “a tragedy” and “heartbreaking.”  Yeah, it breaks your heart and bank account when you pay a serial killer $40 million buckeroos—and he starts to shoot people who spill a drink on his clean shirt.

We might think something more profound in its shock might be the coach’s response, but we have learned that from the Pouncey brothers and their “Free Aaron” hats to actual teammates of Hernandez, most NFL participants have no thoughts about a sports version of Jack the Ripper.

Normal people might be indignant at the lack of understanding among athletes when they harbor and protect a killer. It lends the most horrific credence to the amorality of Belichick’s team and the NFL in general.

And the Survey Says: Pats Fans in NE Are Loyal

DATELINE:  Patriot Traitors Outside of Boston

feud

Those haters of Tom Brady don’t need much provocation to pound him into the ground like some defensive tackle.

They’ve been jumping on Brady’s ties to President Donald Trump from the onset. These are the fair-weather Patriots, also known in history as the Sunshine Patriots. These scalawags were called Tories in New England in 1776.

Now we are engaged in a great game of Family Feud.  Various media outlets are now conducting surveys of the fan base for the Pats. We see  Tom, Robert Kraft, Jonathan Kraft, and Bill Belichick, are on the panel—and one of the myriad hosts of the Feud show is asking them to guess what the fans think of them and Trump.

In liberal Massachusetts, home of John Kerry and Mike Dukakis, fans are allegedly rabid over the Trump ties. Only a few towns in the hinterlands of the Commonwealth went by voter majority for the new President.

In the hoity-toity bedroom communities of academics and women of paranoid stripe, they are burning Tom Brady in effigy much like they used to burn their bras.

We believe these are the same women who advocate that men be relegated to the doghouse permanently.

However, the survey said nearly half of all fans put politics aside and claimed the political preference of players, coaches, and owners, did not change their feelings about the team or Tom.

Only a fifth said it had a negative impact on their feelings. We suspect these are the same fifth of the populace that resent losing control of the television to NFL games several hours per week.

We think another survey will prove that this same percentage will not allow their sons to play football at all. There are crackpots everywhere, but wealthy, suburban Boston is not New England by any stretch.

Trump Takes Call from Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Inaugural & Super Bowl LI

Trumped

At the pre-Inauguration Dinner for billionaire friends of the new President of the United States, there sat a man who should be in the Cabinet with 9 other billionaires.

We refer to Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots.

He was not overlooked by the new Prez who heaped praise on the Patriots during his post-dinner speech.

He wished luck to the man with the great quarterback, great coach, and fairly much claimed it was a lock to go to the Super Bowl. It’s the kind of stuff that makes American great again, if you agree with Mr. Trump.

President Trump was not done by any means. He singled out Coach Swami Belichick for his work ethic—and pointed out that it was that style of work that led to the victory for Trump.

In days of yore, if the President took time out of his busy schedule to talk to you on the phone, it was a big deal. Today, if Tom Brady takes time to pick up that smartphone and call, the President-Elect is thrilled.

He also noted to the agreeable crowd that Tom Brady had called him earlier in the day—apparently after practice where his game face has made him a grumbling meanie.

Tom told the new President that he was good to go. Alas, Tom cannot attend the Inauguration—but we will not be surprised if the President attends Super Bowl LI and sits in the celebrity apprentice box to root on his friends on the Patriots.

 

 

 

 

Scrooge, the Grinch, and Belichick

DATELINE:  Winner Take All

Laughing Cavalier2

The Patriots celebrated Christmash and the AFC East, on a Saturday afternoon by devastating the New York Jets.

If it were a boxing match, it would have been called because of too frequent nosebleeds from the rainy day New Yawkers.

The Patriots rained on the parade of Jets during the first half. When they were all wet, the rains of Ranchipur and Foxboro relented, but the mercy was too late.

Tom Brady was waving up to his visiting Brazilian in-laws after one touchdown, and LaGarrette Blount was holding a cape for the waiting Martellus Bennett after the next.

When Bennett came to the sidelines, he seemed delighted that Blount was holding the robe to drape over the shoulders of the tight end who would be Gronk.

The Patriots put 41 lumps on coal into the Jets stocking, just in time for deflating the Macy Parade animals. For this loss, coach Todd Bowles released himself from the hospital the day before—and came to the downpours to stand there like Rick waiting for Ilsa at the train station in Casablanca.

Victory was not going to show up for the Jets this day.

It was a day when Belichick’s Bell, Book, and Candle, were not going to be exorcised. It was a holiday when crowds cheered the DUI Michael Floyd who caught a ball out of bounds and received an ovation.

Gronk brought his charity lottery winner to the game to watch from the luxury boxes. And, in the second half, the skies miraculously cleared and bright sunlight shone down upon the blessed Patriots.

Yes, December would end with division championships and home field advantage. Their rivals saw their QBs bite the dust in Oakland and Tennessee, but youthful Tom Brady was standing tall, casting a dark shadow on Roger Goodell.

The Super Bowl seemed within Brady’s grasp for this year.

Belichick Finds Michael Floyd Over the Rainbow

 DATELINE:  Drive, He Said

floyd

Local jokesters ribbed each other yesterday by saying Swami Belichick might claim drunk driver Michael Floyd.  Today, the laughingstock is taking stock of another brilliant Belichick move.

Yes, the Patriots have signed a public relations disaster. No, he is not quite in the league of Johnny Manziel. This is more like Floyd Boyzeal.

Drunk drivers never walk a straight line in football. They best catch the ball and zigzag.  Former Patriot coach Charlie Weis was Floyd’s college coach at Notre Dame and suspended the player for DUI.  So, he gave Belichick a rousing report that may sound like a drinking dirge.

Swami Bill usually works some magic on the bad boys of football, causing them to walk the straight and narrow while singing the Great Hoodie’s praises.

How odd indeed that a solid player (a hale and hardy saloon patron) is suddenly free in December for the Patriots to scoop up. It smacks of LaGarrett Blount being tossed into the rubbish heap two years ago—just in time to pull the Patriots’ bacon out of the fire.

Far be it for us to deflate any bubbleheads, but this is the sort of maneuver that pays dividends around Super Bowl time when your best receivers are on the injured list.

So, Belichick’s Salvation Army of Patriot reclamation projects will gather around Michael Floyd and sing a few bars of “Amazing Grace” to bring him to sobriety and success.

Whether we are about to view Miracle on Foxboro Street, or you are about to see Belichick’s version of Apple Annie revert to a Pocketful of Miracles, only the next few weeks will prove.

Like It’s a Wonderful Life, Belichick is about to help Michael Floyd earn his wings. Yep, this is the Great Hoodie version of turning wino into waterboy.

Patriots Eat Up a Storm Against Ravens in Food Fight

DATELINE:  Ravens Still Famished

sandoval diet

Call it the Mustard Bowl.

The Patriots turned on the hot sauce switch at home against the Ravens. Not like any game since Tom’s return have we seen such hot stuff.

Tom Brady was in his best animated mode when Julian Edelman dropped three passes, by throwing a hot tamale on the sideline. It was a side order that dumped chili down the backs of his teammates.

After that, it was all gusto and relish. Patriots gang tackled and Brady went no huddle for the first time all season, wearing out his Raven opponents.

Tom created his special jalapeno sauce and poured it on the open-face sandwich served the dish cold.

Coach Harbaugh was trying to 86 the condiments when he found someone dumped a full bottle of Patriotic ketchup on his plate.  The Patriots started with a safety that emptied the garlic salt in the Raven’s wounds by jumping over the center to stop a field goal.

LaGarrette came out of the attic with a dilly of runs, reaching the most TDs in a season since Curtis Martin, or was that Pepper Martin?

Malcolm Mitchell continued to curry favor with his salsa style play. Brady has found a replacement for his cayenne pepper Gronk whose new movie debut as a mob hit-man in his other career almost overpowered his Patriots Monday Night game.

Joe Flacco’s dyspepsia seemed to be the result of swilling apple vinegar and sucking lemons as the Patriots put salt on the tail feathers of the Ravens. It looked like December turned the Ravens into Brady’s Christmas goose

Yet, the Ravens hung on, pouring on their own hot stuff over Patriot raspberry turnovers—but at the finish, as one Raven superstar said, “It was like taking a bite into a terrible sandwich.”

Our compliments to Galloping Gourmet Belichick.

Patriots Looking at a Mutiny?

 DATELINE:  Jabaal the Hutt?

jabaal-the-hutt

 

When asked about his defensive players, Coach Swami Belichick became defensive.

Media questions always are offensive at Gillette Stadium, even from the reluctant to make waves local press. But, the press pulled no punches when asking about the “benching” of Jabaar the Hutt Sheard, whose behavior resembles Mr. Christian on the Bounty.

We know who has been set adrift—and Sheard is no Marlon Brando.

And, Belichick is like Charles Laughton: Henry the Eighth and Captain Blight roled into one. All spelling deliberate. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle for Sheard. His pal Jamie Collins was sent to Siberia, now located in Cleveland, and Sheard wants his own gulag.

To top off the defensive realignment in Foxboro, another defensive star starter will be a non-starter for four weeks. Yep, Alan Branch has been pruned by the NFL for allegedly using marijuana before it is legal in Massachusetts in December.

Someone should have informed him that the liberating vote did not repeal usage immediately.

If you have a sense that the SS Patriot boat has been rocked, you probably have already headed for the lifeboat with Captain Bligh Belichick. We are not witnessing anything akin to the Caine Mutiny or Mutiny on the Bounty, but we do think Bounty paper towels won’t be able to clean up this mess. You Caine count on it.

Will this rock the Patriots, preventing an appearance in the Super Bowl? Or will it send them to the Toilet Bowl without a thought of the post-season, thus ruining Brady’s revenge?

Stay tuned, all you defensive stooges. Slowly, Swami Belichick turns…step by step….

Robert Kraft Has Audience with Pope Trump

DATELINE:  Trump’s Kitchen Cabinet

 Trumped

Not two days after Jonathan Kraft stated that the New England Patriots did not endorse any candidate for President, owner Robert Kraft showed up at Trump Tower.  We suspect he did not show up for an audience with the Pope.

Speculation is rampant that Kraft will beg Trump not to offer Bill Belichick a position in the new Administration. Some sporty pundits believe Trump is greatly impressed with how Belichick handles the press and media.

The other possible candidate for a cabinet-level position is Tom Brady. Who can ever forget that Brady and Belichick’s names were used by Trump on election eve in New Hampshire? As a result, it was another New England state he lost overall.

Had he invoked the name of Lyin’ Crooked Roger Goodell, Trump might have won the popular vote.

Trump reportedly wants to name an openly gay man as UN ambassador. We are not sure if this lets out Brady or Sarah Palin.

There is now a petition circulating in Boston to move the Patriots to a red state, perhaps Cuba. Since Roger Goodell is for expanding the NFL into other countries, we suspect he wants Brady to be the NFL Man in Havana.

Liberal friends who have been on the sunny side of hysterical since election night now call to confirm their suspicions that the NFL is a racist, homophobic, misogynist organization.

Hell, we could have told you that after looking at the NFL police blotter.

But, the NFL does have a female referee in their appalling ranks of bad callers of pass interference.

Tom Brady’s Foot Locker tirade in a hilarious turn of the screw TV commercial will likely not be aired during NFL games. And, Goodell allegedly has nominated Tom for the Supreme Court, owing to all his legal experience over the past two years.

Goodell may receive what he wants, but not in the way he wants it.

Brady & Belichick: Strange Bedfellows?

DATELINE: Patriotic Gore?

 candidates2  Trumped

It was politics as usual in the Patriots locker room.

No one wanted to talk about President-Elect Donald Trump’s boast that both Swami Belichick and Tommy B were big supporters of the future president. The Super Patriots are putting a focus on the Big Game, not the Big Election.

Patriots to a man claimed that wanted to beat Pete Carroll on Sunday, not Hillary Clinton on Tuesday. They may have a double-header victory.

Tom Brady told a radio interview he had not yet voted on Monday—meaning he skipped the chance to cast a ballot early in Massachusetts, if indeed he is a registered resident voter of New England. He could be on the roster for California.

Brady has a cap in his locker that reads, “Make New England great again!”

On the other hand, Swami Bill Belichick had been blind-sided by his presidential friend. He had written a letter of support to the Donald, which he thought was private. He should have known better than to send Trump an e-mail.

Belichick learned there are no national secrets. He may control New England and the Kraft family, but he was trumped by the new president.

At first, the reaction against them was like an Elizabeth Warren hurricane, but now in the light of victory, they are looking like Super Bowl champs.

Sen. Warren, a vocal terror of Trumpers, now may face another Boston sports legend, Curt Schilling, who wants to run against her. We suspect the Trump victory will go far in encouraging him to unseat the Native American claimant.

All this political stuff has begun to make patriotic Patriot fans feel like strange bedfellows.

The old lesson holds true. Never be caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.

 

Patriots Not in a Family Way, According to Jamie Collins

DATELINE:  Family Ties

 Belichick

Traded from the possible Super Bowl winning Patriots to the possible 0-16 Browns, Jamie Collins has told the media that the Patriots lacked a family atmosphere.

This may come as a shock to those who think the Pats are really a reincarnation of The Brady Bunch, led by Pop Warner Belichick.  It seems Collins saw Belichick more like ‘Pop Goes the Weasel.’ According to Collins, Belichick is about as warm and fuzzy as Ma Barker.

Someone should tell Collins that “cosa nostra” often is translated as “our family.”

Robert Kraft has made billions for the Pats family—and every player receives a weekly allowance that ends up in the tax deduction bracket for dependents, amounting to millions

If you mention to the Gronk Brothers that there is no family atmosphere in New England, they’d probably start a sibling rivalry.  Wasn’t it James Cagney who shouted, “Top of the World, Ma”? and promptly blew himself up in the notorious crime drama White Heat.

How can we fault Bill Belichick if he is more like Ma Kettle and less like June Cleaver? We never thought of Jamie Collins as the Beaver. He was more like ALF living with earthling family.

If you want a nurturing family environment, you won’t be living with Belichick’s version of A Lion in Winter. Wasn’t that the family drama where Kate Hepburn tried to get her son Anthony Hopkins to murder his father Peter O’Toole? Talk about a royal pain in the rear.

Jamie Collins saw himself as Rudy. And Bill Belichick saw him as The Waterboy. Collins was looking for bromance in the locker room, and he wound up with a horse’s head in his bed.

Every family has its ups and downs.

Way Down Upon the Swami Belichick River

 DATELINE:  Inscrutable Bill

ALF

Belichick Mentor (in sweatshirt)

 Once again during a bye week, Patriots fans have taken umbrage with our terms of endearment.

Apparently it is just short of sacrilege to call Bill Belichick by the Hindu term “swami.”

Some people (of less than sharp mental acuity) have confused swami with Swanee. No, we are not comparing Bill Belichick to a Stephen Foster melody.  He is not like a pretty girl.

Those who live in the Boston area and drive over the Mystic River Bridge likely have a better grasp on the term “Swami Bill.”

And, no, it has nothing to do with receiving a bill for your tolls over the Mystic River.

To clarify, we might compare Swami Bill to Yogi Berra—or Yogi Bear.

They seem to be cut from the same sari cloth worn by fashion-plates like Harry Krishna.

For all you Dharma Bums, Bill Belichick seems to be holding on to some kind of satori, having epiphanies when it comes to player personnel. We have not yet put Bill Belichick into the marharishi category. We haven’t seen any pilgrimages by Lord Paul McCartney to the Foxboro mountain top. No, Bon Jovi doesn’t count.

We do know that the High Lama is named Brady, and the code word for Gillette is Shangri-La.

We are not even sure that Belichick has emulated Kerouac and written the road play book on a continuous roll of toilet paper. You wouldn’t understand it anyhow.

If you don’t know what’s going on with the Patriots, you are no Swami Bill.

 

Belichick Blows Smoke Screen

DATELINE: Nearer to Thy Maker in Pittsburgh, Thanks to Mad Magazine

two-cigars

 

Pittsaburger has lost its Rothlisberger for the Patriots game. Hold that ketchup.

Mere mortals might worry that their team was in jeopardy of losing to the Brady Vindication Tour, but not those meatheads from Pittsburgh.

The Steelers have lost their quarterback for this game—and the Patriots have lost their iPad knockoffs. In far worse news, Wednesday was the last day to register to vote in the upcoming MMA bout between Trump and Clinton.

The NFL marquee matchup has lost its luster. You saw more action in the 21st century version of the Lincoln-Douglas debacle debate between the Trumpeter and the Hildebeest.

ESPN, the alleged network that made up Deflategate, now claims the Patriots are dirtier than a presidential campaign, asserting the Pats play is dirtiest in NFL.  Do these guys ever watch games?

How worried is Swami Bill?  This week, historical for those nasty debates and a charity dinner that Clinton and Trump turned most uncharitable, also marked the longest pregame press conference ever held by the Head Coach.

Yup, the laconic HC turned loquacious for once. He even extended his required NFL time with the press because he was feeling so wordy. His staff tried to pull him off-stage, but Bill stayed with the ones he loved: his media buds. He took a couple of additional questions.

If he wanted to portray an air of ease and charm, he came off like a tanned and rested Richard Nixon. He talked football history and coaches he admired. It was enough to send shivers into Pittsburgh.

If Belichick had lit up a Red Auerbach (the legendary Celtics coach always puffed on a stogie before the final buzzer when he felt confident) victory Cuban cigar at the podium, it would have had the same effect.

In the immortal words of Alfred E. Neumann, “What? Me worry?”