Ten Conspire to Kill Ortiz!

DATELINE: Bounty Hunters Come Cheap in DR

ortiz-unleashed Bargain Basement Killers!

The price on David Ortiz’s head was reportedly only $6000 to be divided up by a dozen conspirator killers. Then, the number went up: no, not the bounty, but the number of plotters splitting the ante. The latest count from the Dominican Republic is there are ten co-conspirators. It’s almost like a county fair of killers. A few are still at large.

We are on our way to a baker’s dozen.

Maybe your money goes a lot farther in the Dominican Republic economy. If that cheap lifestyle is driving Americans to move to that crime-ridden country, they are living a cheapskate rich lifestyle.

We thought that assassination of Julius Caesar was a shoddy affair, but 2000 years later the attack on Ortiz is even more carnival-like. Instead of a forum, or even Fenway Park, Ortiz was shot in the back, a la Jesse James, in an outdoor bistro atmosphere.

No motive has been given for the crime. We cringe at the speculation. And none of it enhances Ortiz’s reputation as a moral paragon.

Friends now say that Ortiz counted on the general public to protect him from dangerous gang members or gangsters.

The best laid plans belong to mice, not men. No one could stop the bullet with Big Papi’s name on it.

If you think witness identification is a deterrent to crime, you have only to see killers blithely walk up to the large Ortiz and put the gun at gall bladder height. They did not care who saw them, or if they would be known.

What we have here is the polar opposite of the Aaron Hernandez case.

The motorcycle get-away driver was inept too. He skidded into the crowd, giving a mob the courage to beat him up. He professes to be a Big Papi fan.

Heavens, imagine what might have happened if the motorcycle driver had been a Yankee fan.

We come back to the low-ball price on Ortiz’s head. This was not the work of a head-hunter, but of a world where life is not only cheap, but it is on sale to anyone with a credit card limit under $8000. The killers planned to share the amount at a payoff of $1000 each, but as the number goes up, the slice of the pie drops to crumbs for a murder.





David Ortiz Questions Persist

DATELINE: Pardon Us!


Boston sports media always protect their own. If you have questions, you may not always receive answers. Not even the get well wishes of a former President of the United States can hide bigger puzzlements.

Dark questions haunt the situation surrounding the hit on David Ortiz. Oh, yes, make no mistake: it was a hit that fortunately did not end Big Papi’s game. As he told doctors entering surgery, “I am a good man.” He did not want to die.

So, we wonder why the Red Sox organization decided to fly Ortiz out of the Dominican Republic as soon as possible, even before he stabilized (despite the medical opinion to the contrary).

If you think he was stable, he arrived in Boston to face immediate second surgery. Did someone botch the job in the ER of the DR?

In New York’s Post, you see the words “hit man.” This does not surprise several of his former teammates, who indeed think an assassin’s bullet is not out of the question.

You may well wonder why Ortiz returned often to the DR. Was it to see his family—while leaving his wife and children back in Boston?

You may well wonder why the assassin is tied to drugs and why his companion was a police officer. You may well wonder if the long-ago charge that Ortiz used illegal substances in his baseball career might resurface.

They removed Ortiz from the DR before another attack might finish him off: how easy it is to die in a hospital from complications after being shot up and losing your intestines, spleen, and other organ parts.

Septic poisoning is but a day away.

Big Papi’s agent thinks something odd is going on. Well, when you are spirited out of the hospital before the police can question you, there is an appearance that leaves a dubious feeling.

We can count only on the fact that the Boston media has thrown up another protective shield around David Ortiz.

Big Papi Survives Assassin Bullet!

DATELINE: Celebrities Face Russian Roulette!


An assassination attempt on the life of Red Sox legend David Ortiz, known in the baseball world as Big Papi, is vaguely reminiscent of the attack on the life of John Lennon or Tupac Shakur.

Those two chilling actions of murder put a damper forever on how celebrities interacted with the public. Now, again, the fame or infamy of sports stars—and their relative accessibility to the general public may shut down appearances in informal settings.

David Ortiz has lived under a lucky star as athlete and pop hero. Next to Gronk, he is a New England fixture and dizzy icon.

Big Papi is enormously popular in Boston, and in fact was expected to attend a charity event in town this week. He keeps a high profile in the New England area, mainly owing to product endorsements and advertising, which likely provides income and attention.

However, Big Papi also put his local house up for sale this week in the Greater Boston suburbs. He was shot in the back in his native Dominican Republic, not Boston.

He became an American citizen a few years ago, and also defended Boston at a ceremony after the Boston Marathon bombing a few years back.

He was shot in the back by an assailant who clearly meant to kill him. The bullet went through his stomach. The shooter on a motorcycle, or someone presumed to be the gunman, was attacked by an incensed crowd at the night club where Ortiz had appeared.

Those familiar with the two countries sharing an island in the Caribbean call the DR a dangerous place. Americans have died there recently in mysterious hotel incidents.

What is clear is that the violence of the world and the social media attention celebrities receive internationally has made a new wrinkle for assaults or assassinations by deranged individuals with a sense of entitlement.

Big Papi may well survive this attack, but he will never be the same—nor will sports stars who may find themselves paying a heavy price for fame and bodyguards.

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down


Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

David Ortiz in the Glass Booth

DATELINE: Ortiz Unleashed


Fanboys and media mavens insist that retired Red Sox star David Ortiz should be in the broadcast booth this season.

As expected, Tom Werner– self styled media guru and Red Sox owner– has been hesitant to give an answer.

Ortiz says he wishes to work as a Sox commentator this season, and the Red Sox are coyly responding that he could be in the booth sporadically. Fans are putting their trust in the same group that fired Don Orsillo after so many years of loyal service.

If you’re putting your trust and Big Papi’s future in the hands of these benighted snakes in the grass, then you are likely to be disappointed. The Red Sox are more likely to send John Wilkes Booth after Ortiz than to put him in the booth.

The Red Sox broadcasting glass booth has suffered more than its share of brick-a-bats in recent years.

NESN, the Red Sox on the television network, is giving serious thought to putting Ortiz in the studio for analysis. At least that’s their story.

The problem with Ortiz is the Red Sox have no idea what he may say. If you remember his comments after the marathon bombing, they better have the censor button handy.

Ortiz hands out F-bombs like a fighter pilot.  That tends to make the Red Sox brass a little nervous. In an age when everything is scripted, especially sports ad libs, Ortiz is the most dangerous game.

Expect some kind of Midas-touch muffler on Big Papi to hold down the noise.

Big Hullabaloo Over Big Papi Brings Big Wind


While we went on our luxury vacation from sports to work on our new book about the Titanic, David Ortiz hit an iceberg in Boston.

Well, it was 70 degrees and a beautiful day, the next day was iceberg weather. Boston is like that in April. And, sure enough, if the Queen Mary of Designated Hitters did not go bump in the night. He ripped a hole in the Sox hull.Featured image

While Ortiz was complaining about balls and strikes, which is an offense against man and humanity in the eyes of MLB, he carried over his anger to a second umpire.

When you bump the third base umpire while complaining about the home plate man in black, you are likely to be abducted by little green men from the Commissioner’s Office.

Usually in situations like this, Ortiz makes a direct attack on the Bell Telephone in the dugout with a bat. Not this time, fans. Ortiz decided he would take down the iceberg with a heated exchange.

Suffice it to say, the justice league always prevails. You may think you are Batman going up against Superman, tugging on his cape, but you are merely a glorified pinch hitter.

And, the league is not about to let superheroes grow into green monsters like the incredible hulkster that Ortiz has become. He is now bigger than the game, or at least bigger than his britches.

Right now, he has driven off the britches before counting his chicken.

Dog Flu Hounds the Red Sox


 Unusual Suspicions

Red Sox of 2014 belong in quarantine.

We have stayed away because the Red Sox seem to have come down with “dog flu,” the latest medical phenomenon.

Is it contagious? Only time will tell if the symptoms persist into July, but right now it appears to be a full-blown case of mediocrity.

If you trust the Boston media and insiders, this was a team destined to repeat their championship season. Well, aren’t these the same brainiacs who predicted the Boston Bruins would sweep their way to the Stanley Cup. The Bruins look like they ought to be sweeping out the Stanley Hotel.

The Bosox team needs botox to make them look young and vibrant. Their touted replacement for Jacoby Ellsbury is looking like some of the great busts of baseball history.

It’s too soon to shut the door on the career of Bradley, Junior, but he looks like junior varsity from here.

If the Sox thought divesting themselves of Saltalamacchia and Ellsbury was not a Mayan sacrifice, then they fooled only fans in the bleachers. Cutting out the heart of a team seems foolhardy.

We are left with blowhard Big Papi, not one to inspire great loyalty unless you are into “selfies.”

The Sox this year seem to be a mirror image of the 2013 team. Everything appears reversed. Losing walk-off games is not the stuff of a highlight reel.

Unless the Sox can overcome the reversal of fortunes, they may be champions only to the media fortunetellers with Tarot cards. We don’t want to collect these Red Sox cards.

Ortiz and His Selfish Selfie



The White House, on behalf of President Obama, has expressed righteous indignation that the naturalized citizen and Red Sox heavyweight named David Ortiz would stoop to use of the President of the United States for marketing stunts.

Mr. Obama cheerily posed for a selfie photo taken by Big Papi, but later we learned that Ortiz is on the payroll of Samsung—and they had brainstormed with Ortiz for something to come out of the White House visit of the Red Sox to honor them.

There is no honor in selling yourself, David.

Ortiz sold the POTUS down the river for a camera. He has now cheapened the attempt by the White House to cash in on another championship team.

It would seem everyone has muddy motives in this caper.

Showing up the President as an unwitting pawn is usually something only Vladimir Putin accomplishes. Nice work, Big Papi.

Ortiz noted that he was inspired at the opportunity, but had not conspired to find a moment to snap Mr. Obama with the free camera.

Papi likely thinks he can do anything with impunity. We suspect that the next time he drops an F-bomb on national television, the FCC will not turn their cheek.

Ortiz studied to become an American citizen several years ago. He has learned that profit and overblown salaries come to the squeaky wheel. Whether he will continue to be a hero in the eyes of fans is a consummation devoutly to be followed.

No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public. Some people have been elected to high office, and others have cajoled owners into paying for a pig in a poke.


Fans may want to read all about the Boston team in the hilarious book, RED SOX 2013: NAKED CAME THE LINEUP. It’s available for smart readers on Amazon.com.

David Ortiz: the Mad F-Bomber Returns!



On the first day of Spring Training, David Ortiz was up to his old tricks.

Dropping F-bombs like a mad bomber, he makes us wonder who taught him English. Well, perhaps he is self-taught. But, who taught him manners?

Oh, aging superstars with big egos don’t need etiquette. We forgot the A-Rod Rule.

So, Ortiz comes into Fort Myers and announces that he is angry about his critics. “F-them.”  Well, he never abbreviates.

If we were sensitive, we’d take the comment personally. We like to consider ourselves among the biggest critics of the Big Papi.

Bigger is better, and Bigger Papi is letting everyone know that he feels he is being paid half of what he is worth, even though he only plays half the games (never on the defensive field).

David Ortiz is strictly offensive, and we can’t have put it any better. He is one of the most offensive “stars” we have encountered in Boston, taking a page and a mantle out of the Manny Ramirez book.

If we didn’t know better, we’d think he exhibits roid rage at every turn of the media page.

Crackheads, er, crackpots like Ortiz need enablers, and the Red Sox have not scrimped in this regard. For years Ortiz has run amok like a Frankenstein’s monster. And, it looks like the media has a shortage of pitchforks and torches.

You could even say the media has a shortage of courage, but bully Ortiz already knows that.


David Ortiz Emulates the Robber Barons


With the Red Sox season of 2013 in the history books, and players already moving on to new teams, the big hero of the World Series has decided to re-start his version of the life of Robin Hood.

David Ortiz plans to hold up the Sox for another year’s contract. He still has a full year left on his bitter negotiation from a year ago, but now has decided the Red Sox billionaires who own the team can afford to pay poor Papi a bit more.

Beadle Cherington has met his Oliver Twist.

Yes, Ortiz sees himself as the man most deserving of more money. And, why not? He just watched Jacoby Ellsbury run off with the Steinbrenner family silverware.

Of course, by the time a new contract with the Red Sox finishes out, Papi will still be younger than Robinson Cano, Albert Pujols, and Alex Rodriguez, when their legal robberies are done.

If you want to hold up King John Henry VIII, you may as well do it when your popularity is peaking. Papi can do no wrong in Boston, apparently. Whether he drops an F-bomb on your kids, or breaks up his own happy home, the public can’t get enough of the naturalized American citizen.

Somewhere in those civics lessons to get his American citizen papers, Papi read up on the great rogues of America: we don’t mean Billy the Kid or Jesse James. We speak of the Robber Barons.

For a man with a weak Achilles heel, he is taking risks to gain a fortune. Who could blame him? His career could end in spring training this March when his brittle bones start to crack and to dissolve. Sort of like Mike Napoli’s hips.


 To relive the happy days of 2013, you should read RED SOX 2013: NAKED CAME THE LINEUP.  It’s available in softcover and ebook formats from Amazon.com.




And the Winner is Not David Ortiz…

DATELINE: Scoffing Drollery


Forget Chuck Wagon, Justin Thyme, Hero Sandwich, and Hamilton Burger. When it comes to a government shutdown, Daffy Duck is a lame duck.

The write-in names for Boston’s mayor included a list of declared candidates—and then came the unsurprising name.

Yes, Red Sox World Series .680 hitter, David Ortiz seems to have made a slam grand during Tuesday’s election for Mayor of Boston.  The two major candidates were Tweedledum and Tweedledee, and no one can still tell which one won the election.

The two vanilla milkshakes had nothing on the man who challenged the FCC on live television and bombed them with an F-word to thunderous applause.

We do know who lost the race for mayor: David Ortiz. His name superseded Harry Palmer as the name most Sox fans put on the ballot.

Election officials could not determine if other nicknames were scratched illegibly onto ballots to support the naturalized American citizen from the Dominican Republic as a mayoral candidate. Ortiz goes by more aliases than Whitey Bulger.

Some may have written Big Papi, or variations thereof.

The new mayor of Boston will be lucky to have as many people attend his Inauguration as Big Papi had on one streetcorner in the duck boat brigade.

Some people are true winners—and some run for political office. We don’t even know if Papi lives in Boston, but perhaps this was a dry run for seeking office as Senator Papi or Governor Ortiz.

Real fans of the Red Sox have ordered their copy of RED SOX 2013: NAKED CAME THE LINEUP, to relive all the thrills and excitement of the past season. It’s available on Amazon.com in both softcover and ebook for smart readers.

David Ortiz Knows Where Fountain of Youth Located



David Ortiz hit a milestone one year after his Achilles tendon nearly cost him his career.

Big Papi Ortiz made his 2000th hit in MLB. Though not all were with Boston, nearly all is a fairly good amount.

Papi has threatened over the years to go play elsewhere if he did not receive the pay and adulation he wanted. Of course, the Red Sox gave him whatever his big heart desired.

And, finally this week, the result was a moment in Red Sox history.

In the same game that Ortiz made his magic number of hits, he also hit two home runs. The Red Sox scored 20 runs to join in the celebration.

Dogged by questions of enhancing helpers to his hamburger life, Ortiz bristles at the notions counter.

No test for added testosterone or PEDs or HGH has ever caught him. We presume he is merely a marvel of nature at 38, finishing his career with numbers only Mario Rivera could match if he could pinch hit.

Ortiz makes suspicious and regular trips back to his native Dominican Republic, but he is now a fully patriotic American citizen. He goes back to the DR for the rejuvenation to avoid the DL.

We suspect that Ponce de Leon was incorrect. The Fountain of Youth is not in Florida, but somewhere near Ortiz’s hometown on that Caribbean island shared with Haiti.

If Ortiz were born on the other side of the island, he would never have heard of baseball, and we would not have the pleasure of watching his record-smashing play.

He continues to move ahead in home runs, passing names of some minor fame regularly. If he can play a few more years, he still won’t reach 500 home runs (he is currently at 427).

Yet he is moving toward the exalted position of Red Sox legend, with retired number and Hall of Fame induction.

Read about some of Ortiz’s antics in RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL, available Amazon.com.

Ortiz Nearly Cracks Open Pedroia’s Cranium



Hold the phone!  David Ortiz looks like Godzilla smashing Tokoyo! See Video!

After enjoying a season of unprecedented good press, David Ortiz was feeling more beloved than ever before in his career. The only exceptions are his ex-wife and the umpires.

Though his private life remains private, his public life went ballistic in Baltimore.

After a bad strike one call, Ortiz was incensed. It gave us a true sense of the bad temper of Big Papi. He then managed to swing and miss on strike three. This is a normal range strike-out unless you are a man of the stature of David Ortiz.

Perhaps his hemorrhoids were bothering him. Perhaps room service did not send up the right snack the night before at the hotel, but something set him off.

He decided to take a bat to the dugout phone to the bullpen in an abrupt explosion of inconsideration to the manager’s right to call on a closer.

Worse yet, Ortiz swung the long bat and nearly decapitated the impish Dustin Pedroia who had the misfortune of sitting in the wrong place at the wrong time. Pieces of telephone rained down on the latest $100 million dollar man in baseball.

This display likely did not please Ben Cherington. You don’t want to see the future face of the franchise done in by the aging slugger.

Ortiz was ejected by the umpires, but perhaps the Red Sox need to suspend their hothead from a dugout seat. Make him go immediately into the clubhouse after each at-bat.

On a night that Stephen Drew hit two home runs (not Big Papi) and the Sox seemingly broke out of a slump (no thanks to Ortiz), the big story is the designated hitter on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Read RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL to find out more about David Ortiz. Available on Amazon.com in e-book format.

Big Papi Ortiz: Neither Perpendicular, Nor Parallel



David Ortiz has a pain in his fat. No, that’s it: a pain in the fat.

Big Papi revealed to an international news service, not anything in the United States, that he has been suffering egregiously from having a strain in his side.

Since bleeding and diced Bruins recently went out on the ice to win in deplorable physical condition, you may ask how one could injure one’s fat deposits on the side of his rotund form.

Ortiz does only one physical activity. He swings a bat, and he has hurt himself doing that.

‘Oblique’ means sloping downward—as in a batting slump.

An oblique muscle may be an obscure muscle for the oblivious fans, but for a baseball player it is his moneymaker.  Should Ortiz be playing with an ache in his side fat?

You bet. You know you would if your contract said if you missed a certain number of games you would lose a certain number of millions of dollars. So, now David Ortiz must tough it out for duty, for humanity, and for a paycheck.

If you want to know why Ortiz fell into a slump nearly as low as the hitting streak he started the season with, the obtuse oblique is responsible.

Ortiz lately has been as beloved as Oliver Hardy—and probably for the same reasons. The world is conspiring against him—from media mavens suggesting he used steroids to divorce lawyers trying to bilk him out of his fortune.

We beg those oblique fans not to be too sore about Ortiz. Not being direct is an art form, and there is no Red Sox player more perpendicular to the base or the ball than Big Papi.


If you enjoy Red Sox baseball, be sure to read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY or RED SOX 2012: BOBBY VALENTINE’S SEASON IN HELL. Both books are available in softcover or e-book–and they contain enough laughs to heal even the most sore oblique muscle.

David Ortiz Heels on Command




The ever-reliable MRI has shown that David Ortiz, Red Sox designated non-hitter, has two bad heels. The doctors seem to be saying to Big Papi, “Heel thyself.”

Yes, this injury seems to have arisen from wearing 4-inch spike heels with his boa during the off-season. It couldn’t be the result of wearing flip-flops for eight months.

For a man who has been resting his legs for eight months, it is disconcerting to say the least that rest and relaxation has contributed to a worsening of his condition.

What was that favorite saying of Bobby Valentine? Time wounds all heels.

Red Sox Manager John Farrell is already in mid-season form for blowing smoke up the kazoo of the media. He merely wants to give Ortiz peace-of-mind. So, he begs the media to give Ortiz plenty of space.

A two-year contract for $27 million cannot do that, but the beaches of Fort Myers for most of the cold spring might go a long way to helping the man who carries a big bat stay happily in media silence.

Already the Sox brass is insisting that Big Papi defer any public comments to the brain trust of the Sox. The team hardly needs the distraction of Ortiz in brain drain meltdown.

Big Papi needs to be shut down for a week or so. His golf cart may need a tune-up after all the use it has received during spring training.

If the David Ortiz saga has proven anything in Red Sox Nation, it is that their loyalty is strongest when it is someone else’s name signing the paychecks.

Since Ortiz often swings from the heels at any pitched baseball, we may expect that he will learn to bunt during his convalescence.