A Froggy Night in Foxboro Town

DATELINE:  Foggy Bottoms Up

Michigan J. Frog foggy bottom

Cock-eyed optimists were dancing in the street over the return of the Super Bowl Patriots. Down-in-the-dumps pessimists were sent packing by the stalwart Patriot defense. Tom Brady emerged from the mist. If you can see through the fog, you may have X-ray vision.

The replay of the Super Bowl was exactly as billed. These were not the teams that had played just a few months ago. The Patriots were dominant, and the Falcons were pathetic. The Falcons clearly have post-traumatic stress from the Super Bowl.

If you thought you would be able to see the forest from the trees, you would’ve been blinded by what they call in London an old fashioned “pea-souper.”

Yes, the fog was on the pumpkin, not the frost. It came down from the heavens like something to cover up the antics of Jack the Ripper. Indeed, Belichick’s minions acted like razor-sharp purveyors of the slice-and-dice school of football. The Falcons looked like Tweety-Bird.

The fog was thicker than anything Heathcliff ever saw on the Moors.

How quickly professional sports shift. It’s like someone set off a seismic charge underneath the fan base. Resulting in a nebulous ceiling, a cloud of uncertainty not raised quite yet.

Have the Patriots been restored to their place of distinction? Or did we merely see another example of this team putting on the Ritz? Tell me in five weeks that the Pats are on top of the world.

Tune in next week when the announcers will not be surprised and misidentify natural phenomena as the smoke of fireworks that lingered for four quarters.

So much for expert analysis.



Atlanta Falcons Want to Know if You Like Men

 DATELINE: Any Port in a Storm?

We aren’t sure of the motives, but a coach from the Atlanta Falcons asked a young player at the Combine if he liked men.

This has set off a firestorm. Yes, it’s raining men in Atlanta.

Considering how many women are battered by football players in the NFL, the smarter question would be: do you dislike women?

The problem is likely that the average football player, looking at a career worth millions of dollars, thinks he is God’s gift to women—and men.

Now if they are trying to find out who’s gay and who’s undecided, you might as well as the direct question: have you ever kissed a man? You have to like a man to kiss him. Just ask Tom Brady who kisses owner Robert Kraft all the time.

Back to our complex issue, is it a complex that causes you to like men?

We would much rather know if your young athletic Neanderthal likes press and media guys. Now that might elicit our relief.

In the old days, media and sports players were like bread and butter. Now they are more like bread and the tax collector.

We hope every player likes men. Otherwise, he will resist giving a high five, a low five, a rump bump, or other physical examples of affection between the bruh and his bro.

Women are not exactly the people a battering player respects. But, if their preference is for men, we know that the worst that can happen is that your star punches your equipment manager in the nose, like Blake Griffin who truly liked the man he slugged.

The Atlanta front office went ballistic on the question of whether a young man likes men. We think we deserve to know so we can place our attention where it is appreciated.