Put Out APB Fashion Police on AB!

DATELINE: All Points Bulletin on Antonio Brown!

 AB & NDA in NFL

If you thought the New England Patriots were immoral and unscrupulous, you surely are not surprised that Antonio Brown is laying on a thick residue of scandal on the beleaguered franchise. Even worse, he wore a notorious short suit in hideous design to the game.

Brown’s goop is knee-deep—ranging from Kraft’s massage parlor problems to an artist who came to paint a mural in Brown’s home and found the star walking around in his short suit birthday suit.

Is anyone shocked nowadays? How quaint that must be.

Only a Victorian throwback would find the Bill Belichick approach a shock to the system: money & ratings move the team’s off-field antics.

Yes, the Patriots have found a way to rekindle interest in their boring team. They had grown into old-hat, like the Yankees in the 1950s, standing too pat, losing interest even from fans. They were your grandfather’s bowler hat and Fred Astaire’s top hat.

Now, they have enlivened up the entire NFL season, which is built on the sandy castle of money. It shifts, and it is a porous foundation for anything permanent, except a gaudy Super Bowl ring around the toilet.

Football games are violent, scandal-ridden and off-limits to normal human civilizing influence. You may break an arm, have you clavicle broken, develop water on the brain, but it’s all for the entertainment of men with testosterone deficiency that undevelop every Sunday afternoon.

The Patriots have found a sure-fire formula to bring in fans and more money than ever: Gronk may be gone, but long live the boorish mean-spirit of AB. From A to B, you will have more alphabet soup than any spelling bee deserves.

We begin to wonder how many non-disclosure agreements there are in the NFL among players: Start singing the ditty: “you’ll never know.”

You can pour your soup into a saucer in New England, as long as there is no chowdah involved. Sip slowly with adequate slurps: with other teams collapsing all around, New England is on the road to the Super Bowl.

Move over, dead spirit of Aaron Hernandez

 

 

New England Patriots Blow Up Twitter and NFL!

DATELINE:  2-Headed Monsters!

First Rosey Grier, Now This!

Once again, the New England Patriots have turned this blogger into Al Pacino in Godfather 3.  Every time we try to get out, they pull us back in.

This marks the second, or perhaps third, season we will not do a Patriots book on the season: main reason is economic, mostly because Patriot fans can’t read and don’t buy books. The other reason has to do with personal sanity.

Not since Rosey Grier and Ray Milland played one man with two heads have we seen anything as horrific. It was 1972, and the movie was The Thing with Two Heads!

And now Bill Belichick and Tom Brady have done the impossible: they have doubled the combustion factor on their Super Bowl team. Perhaps they like challenges, or perhaps they are fire bugs. The horrid monster of Belichick & Brady has found a mate.

Tom Brady is about to pour kerosene on top of the two most flammable players in NFL:  Josh Gordon and now Antonio Brown. These Bobsey Twins could bring down governments if they were involved in Brexit.

They would be hurricanes that would defy Category 5 and find themselves the objects of Trump’s madhouse White House sharpie.

Indeed, we expect a presidential tweet pardoning anyone writer who sets the tandem on a course to blow up records of pass catching and yardage.

Since Bob Kraft is owner of the Patriots, you might be a cynic and say this will permanently prove that there is no video of Kraft in a massage parlor, as it has been destroyed in an explosion of Tom Brady inflated footballs.

This makes Deflategate look like inflation pumped up to extremes that the football will look like the Goodyear Blimp in the endzone for Patriot fans.

We may now watch a few games after this Near Earth Object/asteroid crashes into Planet Foxboro.

 

More Fake News about Patriots

 DATELINE:  Media Muck, No Raking Involved

Dumb America

When will it end?

Roger Goodell will not show up in Foxboro this weekend to watch his handiwork continue to succeed despite his best efforts to fix the games. The media is blowing it out of proportion. Of course, Goodell is avoiding any place unsafe, like Foxboro.

Yes, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and the Patriots are about to take on the foul-mouthed, overconfident Steelers for the AFC Championship—and the Commissioner has taken his loathsome carcass to Atlanta.

In other fake news, Antonio Brown—berated for filming his coach foaming at the mouth and calling the Patriots “a-holes” has issued an apology three days later. It is not in his twisted, uneducated rhetoric.

The statement clearly is written by someone else:  likely team lawyers for the Steelers.

A dodo bird writer for some sports news network printed out an unconfirmed story that Brady has filmed in his own locker room and released it on social media. Of course, that has never happened, but don’t let the facts stand in the way. The writer is suspected of voting for Clinton in the recent election.

As the week of fake news continues, one sports broadcaster (or whatever you call those radio hacks) has now stated that Tom Brady is playing for his job this weekend. If he loses, he will likely be told that he is done with the Patriots.

This is so fake that it is laughable. We suspect that Tom will respond that he plays for his job, for his life, every game. However, the nonsense that Brady will be traded, benched, or thrown under the bus if he loses, is ridiculous.

Yet, it continues in a vein only recently made legitimate by the recent presidential election. American news is changing, citizens. Don’t lend your ears too freely. The media has come to bury you.