Worst Super Bowl: Brian Hoyer v. Kirk Cousins

 DATELINE: Send in the Seconds

 

No Gropes in the Backfield

As the world of NFL prepares for a bunch of playoff games starring the costars, the real stars of the game are home resting.

Yes, everyone wants to see Cam Newton, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning—and, hunh?, Carson Palmer.  It almost seems like among the superstars, Palmer is the Ralph Bellamy of the group. For those of you too young to recall the heyday of Hollywood, Ralph Bellamy always played the star’s best friend, but was never really a star in his own right.

For this first weekend, we have to watch the midget version of titans now populated by Rothlisberger, Rodgers, and the hopefuls like Russell Wilson, Kirk Cousins, and good grief, Tom Brady’s former waterboy, what’s-his-name.

If you want to sense who the biggest stars are, you had only to hear Donald Trump predict Brady was better than anyone else, even with an ankle injury, at a recent campaign rally.

For some fans, Tom Brady is Darth Vader in a zoot suit and Peyton Manning is aging Han HGH Solo without Botox backup.

Many are hoping for a rematch of Brady and Manning in the real Super Bowl, before the actual #50.  For the oldsters of the game, it would rival something akin to the Star Wars sequels and prequels. Are we up to seven big games with that dynamic duo?

Of course, the young stud of the group—and probably Roger Goodell’s choice to represent his billionaires’ club is Cam Newton. You couldn’t ask for a more blended version of Manning and Brady.

Looking over the possible fixes the NFL can make to the proceedings, it is nearly impossible to figure out what teams will receive the blessings of the referees during the game. It would look like a box office disaster if we end up with Brian Hoyer and Kirk Cousins in the Super Bowl. So, that’s where we put our two-bits for FanDooDoo, or DraftyThings.

That’s our favorite pick for poetic justice for Roger Goodell this year.

Cam Doublechecks Aaron and Doesn’t Give a Fig Newton

DATELINE: Yes, We Have No Banners

 

Featured image

Sharing Sweet Nothings

Cam Newton, pinup boy and would-be Abercrombie & Fitch model, ripped down an opposing team banner at his home stadium this Sunday.

Don’t get Cam wrong. He loves some Green Bay Cheese Packers. (To wit, his long-standing bromance with Aaron Rodgers).

In a tough guy stance, the Newton who doesn’t give a fig for fans, chose to defang a local resident who happened to prefer the Cheeseheads of Wisconsin. Newton tore down and shredded a banner that expressed hubris and preferred another QB to him.

Newton has nothing against his opponents. He was seen yucking it up before the game with fellow commercial boytoy Aaron Rodgers.  For years we watched Rodgers try evasive maneuvers with his cheesy stalker (an androgynous double-checker). So, athletic supporters, beware your athlete’s diva moments.

Whenever QBs meet, their fraternity has more secrets than the freemasons. As for the key Cheesehead, QB Aaron Rodgers has no problems with Cam’s preferences.

Cam and Aaron always share an intimate moment, even if it is before 50,000 prying eyes and world wide internet coverage.

So Cam probably received some kind of imprimatur from his fellow endorser of products. At least that’s what they call club bonding off the field.

The NFL hates deflated footballs, but has no problem with players who attempt murder or those who deface banners belonging to paying fans. There will be no fine or punishment for vandalism, as long as the fan’s balls were not tampered with.

The owner of the banner claimed it cost him $500 to expose himself to ridicule. That explains the disrespect Cam showed. He drops $500 on tips for yogurt deliveries to his home nearly every day.

Next time you root against Cam Newton, he may yank your fig leaf to shreds and put holes in your head of cheese.

Sports Superheroes like Brady, Rondo, & Rodgers

DATELINE: SECRET IDENTITIES

clark kent & bruce wayne

Clark Kent Meets Bruce Wayne

Outside the world of a comic book convention, the real secret identities of Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers will likely be Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.

Of course, we are hard-pressed to yank both men out of the closet and reveal their superhero demeanors to the world.

We speculate that Brady is Bruce Wayne, who parades around as a millionaire playboy. And we think the hard-working stiff with a mild mannered disguise is Clark Kent.

2015 is probably the year that Batman and Superman will go head-to-head in the Super Bowl.

he-men at work

Superman Meets Batman

It’s hard to believe that such heroic young men could hide themselves in such dandified plates of fashion. Yeah, yeah, we remember than Zorro hid behind his foppish alter ego named Don Diego—and yeah, they seek him here and they seek him there—but the Scarlet Pimpernel was a British fop by day.

It seems a good way to throw the public off-balance.

There is a long tradition of superheroes being in the closet, so to speak.

Why, just this week in Boston, another superhero, our own Rajon Rondo, was caught out of his Spiderman costume and talking to Zombie Heinsohn.

Rondo Listens!

Naked Spiderman Meets Zombie

You never can read too much into a photo.

The Patriots Turn Green at Lambeau

 DATELINE: Not Their Day

 hello, Dali

Jonas Gray’s Favorite Painting

 

The Patriots were not playing the Green Bay Packers in this mock Super Bowl in late November. They played the referees and, then, the CBS broadcast analyst.

When you throw in the fact that Tom Brady played like it was a recent Super Bowl, you are guaranteed to have a game that resembled some of last season’s losses.

Ed Hochuli, chief ref, saw too many men on the field—and so did Phil Simms. However, a snapshot revealed they were looking at pink elephants. That penalty, at least, was rescinded after Bill Belichick seemed on the verge of a conniption fit.

If you Patriot fans began to have Super Bowl-itis, you probably also had an irritable bowel to go with it.

Tom Brady looked kind of green around the gills. Indeed, he began to look like the Creature from the Green Bay lagoon. It had to end badly.

Kermit the Frog often lamented and sang about the condition of being green, and Tom Brady seemed ready to join the chorus.

As the temperatures spiraled downward, the game spiraled out of Patriot control. Not even stepping on Aaron Rodgers’s hand could stop the Pack Rats.

The Packers even tried de-panting Gronk who gave the public his best plumber’s crack, but held on to the ball. Yet, the sad truth was that the Pats were a dollar short nearly every drive.

And Aaron Rodgers had a fast lane pass.

Pat Patriot Picked a Pack of Picky Packers

DATELINE: HUMOR BOWL

Aaron's stalker

Today the faint of heart expect that some feint hearted blow will explain the Super Bowl.

Yes, for the first time in years, the New England Patriots are up at Lambeau field where cold and cruel weather warms the cockle of Bill Belichick’s pea-sized heart.

This time of year Aaron Rodgers flourishes in the igloo known as Lambeau. Tom Brady, often thought to be some California softie, will freeze up like the Tin Woodman. Of course, Tom did much playing in nearby Michigan where Frostbite Falls, Wisconsin, is given a run for its money.

We distrust those who claim the Super Bowl is being given an out of town tryout in Cheesehead country.

Gronky

It’s too early to make such prognostications. When the Packers pack in switchie king Adrian Peterson or Ray Rice-a-Roni among the cheese chards, we might agree. But, double-check that, Aaron Rodgers.

Might the Patriots upset the applecart and sign Old Hickory Stick and take the heat in liberal Massachusetts? We hate to be the one asking if Rice-a-Roni is still beating his wife.

You never know from week to week who will be left standing for the month of December. Signing disreputable saviors may become the most distasteful of options by next week.

Who you may well ask will be the real winner of today’s big game between the Patriots and the Packers? We can safely say that it will be the team that leaves the field unscathed, regardless of the score.

Hanks&Efron.

Forget turnovers and Weather Channel mistakes. The real winner of the big game will be good health for the team with destiny written on its Super Bowl ring.

 

 

Death of QB Salesmen: Manning, Rodgers, & Brady

DATELINE: Inadvertent Advert Humor

Aaron's stalker

Tom Brady’s opponents make terrible TV commercials.

You know the entire story of Peyton Manning who for years now has moonlighted as a Papa John’s pizza waitress.

Peyton & pizza

If he isn’t selling pizza, Manning is hawking cheap auto insurance in case you are hit by a bus or refrigerator, likely scenarios in the NFL.

Manning also sells cars. Sometimes we have a hard time figuring out what product he has placed in his self-promoting commercials.

This week’s bad TV huckster is Aaron Rodgers.

BradyPullsRabbit

We all know Aaron from rumors about his peccadilloes off the field. It didn’t help that for years he did commercials in which an androgynous Packer fan with cheese on his head chased Rogers all over the countryside.

If you are going to have a stalker, make sure you double-check your rear view mirror because your rear may be in view.

puny rodgers

Nowadays the stalking stalk of cheese stalker has been retired in favor of two musclemen with Schwarzenegger accents. These guys in fat suits want to remake Aaron in the form of a male pinup model.

We half expect his next costar will be a gecko or a gerbil.

Tom&Peyton

All we can add about Tom and his high-toned salespitches is Uggh. Tom’s commercials generally run the gamut from film noir to artsy museum piece.

If the style of Manning and Rodgers is a hot tub time machine, then Tom’s approach is more in the line of last year at Marienbad, or a bad perfume commercial. We must blame Giselle’s friends at the New York agencies.

A Heartfelt By-Pass from Aaron Rodgers

DATELINE: HUMOR

Uhoh

Aaron Rodgers has decided that a beard will make him look more masculine. He is now throwing passes at women.

In case you stopped looking, Green Bay Chocolate Packer Aaron Rodgers is now seriously dating a woman.

There’s one good way to deal with rumors you are gay. Dump the boyfriend and find a female spouse ASAP.

unhappy couple

Since Michael Sam has stolen all the thunder of being an openly gay NFL player, the heat is off Rodgers. He has decided to settle into heterosexual wedded bliss, or at least try the George Clooney strategy.

The torrent of rumors about Aaron Rodgers of a few months ago now falls on deaf ears. He has stonewalled the story of a spurned boyfriend—and no one in the NFL is going to challenge his insistence that love is not blind.

Aaron has found the girl of his dreams in a nick of time.

Witnesses saw Aaron and Olivia Munn laughing with friends and pecking each other surreptitiously. Now that’s a sure sign of heterosexuality. There was none of that brazen face-sucking that Michael Sam and his boyfriend Vito engaged in.

Sam made you think of gay interracial porn, while Aaron Rodgers made you think of double checking fat guys with cheese on their heads.

For those who don’t know, Munn is a movie star actress and knows how to fake a love scene. Rodgers knows something about the hidden ball trick. This should be a match for the ages.

Cheese Packed One More Time for Aaron Rodgers

 DATELINE:  Public Excoriation

Can it be that the frumpy little guy in the cheese head that follows Aaron Rodgers has a crush on him? We knew he had male stalkers, the worst kind of fan.

ImageAaron’s Cheese Packer

We aren’t talking man-crush or bromance. We are looking at the real thing—like the New Coke. Cheese packers want Aaron’s body.

Yes, rumors are exploding on social media where rumors are the lifeblood of vampires and gossipmongers that the personal assistant of Green Bay Packer Rodgers is really his paramour.

There nothing like a lover scorned, and perhaps the ultimate revenge is to rough the passer just as he is about to enter the playoffs. There is no fury like a catcher scorned, or in this case—a roommate.

 Image

The Other Packer

If you look at the photo of the two together, they do not look like happy campers. Kevin Lanflisi looks like the sort of guy who’d fleece you in your sleep.

In happier times, the boy in question tweeted how he was being mentored by an amazing man. Apparently this amazing race has ended in a drawstring play.

We love Aaron Rodgers for his wit and timing in all those insurance commercials. Oh, no, we have condemned him with the Paul Lynde syndrome: witty banter.

No one should be forced out of the pocket without a receiver in sight. We can only hope the offensive line holds for Rodgers. He does not need any additional cheap shots as he prepares to double check his bed check with more thoroughness next time.