Toothless Celtic Bites Universe Hard

DATELINE:  The Illuminati? illuminati

This week has sent us messages again from the “timeless realm.”

The Boston Celtics are playing with Historical Inevitability, through their magical imp, Cousin IT, Isaiah Thomas. After flying back from the funeral of his sister Chyna on the West Coast, he arrived in Boston at 3am to play a second-round game at 1pm.

During the course of the game, he received an elbow and lost a tooth, giving him a lisp and impetus to play the game of his life. He felt like giving up after the funeral of his sister, dead at 22 in a car crash, but he knew he could not. The message from the beyond was clear.

You may wonder how the emblematic image of a toothless man can take a bite out of fate. Even Cousin IT found it amusing as he led the Celtics to an improbable victory after an abysmal start to the playoff series, round two.

Cousin IT has the power of the Illuminati behind him, unlike Aaron Hernandez who died around the same time as IT’s sister, but out of despair. He wrote in blood, the word ILLUMINATI on his cell wall. Perhaps he felt victimized by the forces of the universe.

Who knew that Hernandez was a believer in string theory and quantum mechanics? Yet, its force and power has been on display again this week in Boston sports.

Has the all-seeing “eye” sent us a message that says HI?  Is that bizarre historical inevitability (HI) sending Boston another championship team not six months after the Super Bowl?

HI, IT, and AH, are symbols that are unmistakable in the universe, even in the mundane world of sports.

 

 

On an Island with Revis and Four Felony Counts

DATELINE:  No Man is a Felon

 revis Revis/Gilligan Island

Darrelle Revis, the Jet who found the Patriots Way untenable to his taste and returned to the Way of the Loser, may be on the verge of the biggest Patriot loser since Aaron Hernandez.

These behavioral patterns may not be psychopathic, as in the case of the tight end now on trial for a double murder, but Revis is showing distinct attitudes that could lead to another Murder One Patriot.

This week in Pittsburgh, where Revis lives inexplicably in the off-season, he was engaged in some kind of street violence for an alleged offense against his manhood. At least that’s the story his lawyer is sticking by for now.

Revis has not surrendered to police, apparently hoping to be chased while he hides in the back seat of a white Bronco.

Revis leveled a couple of fan boys or gang members, depending on your perspective. He is now facing four counts of felony. According to police, there is smart phone video footage of the encounter. Revis is not photogenic.

Apparently the Jet failure has proved yet again that no man is a Revis Island by washing ashore like a Ninja from Singapore.

When you offend the masculine pride of an NFL star, whether past or present, you could face violent consequences. In the case of Hernandez, he waited with loaded gun to shoot a car filled with objects of his indignation.

Revis used fists. We suspect a gun might have resulted in a couple of homicides.

To the Patriots’ credit, they made no effort to sign him for a second season after he helped the Super Bowl winning team a few years back.

This season in New York, he looked like a satire of his earlier self, having lost more skills or will to win than your usual Jet flops.

His lawyer said he will turn himself in sooner or later.

Time for This Year’s Tofu Turkey Nominees!

DATELINE: Tofu Turkey Nominees

Featured image

We have reached that benighted time of the season when our annual Tofu Turkey Awards must be given. Boston has spread its usual list of losers nationwide this year. We are proud to say that many of our nominees have reputations that precede them like Pepe LePew.

It takes a particular mix of hubris, idiocy, and power, to combine into a combustible formula for disaster. This year the sports world has been cursed with more than enough to pass around. We could have multiple winners this season when real turkeys are not as appalling as fake ones.

Our list of nominees in no particular order of odor.

ROGER GOODELL.  The Commissioner of the NFL has gone out of his way to be an egregious Grinch this year. He has single-handedly tried to destroy the career of one of his league’s greatest stars, Tom Brady. By inventing and holding on to Deflategate as if it were the Hope Diamond, Goodell has proven his ability to be blind when it comes to justice to no one’s good.

BEN CHERINGTON.  The former Red Sox general manager has already lost his job over ineptness. But, we have no compunctions about kicking a man when he’s down for the count. Cherington recently parlayed his bad management skills into a visiting graduate professor at Columbia University recently, showing those who can’t do, can always teach.

AARON HERNANDEZ. You’d think this stiff would be in the Tofu Hall of Shame by now, but he still has a double murder trial coming up in January—though his Ninja attorneys continue to attempt to have the previous jury decision of guilty thrown out by impugning jurors. The next trial may double our fun.

NESN. New England’s own Cable Sports Network, not to be confused with its sister news station NECN managed to do the impossible. They fired Don Orsillo, long time beloved voice of the Red Sox for no apparent reason. The true recipient of the Tofu Turkey likely belongs to media mogul Tom Werner, part-time owner of the Sox, who fancies himself as an expert in entertainment. Yes, he hired Cosby, folks, and has capped his career by firing Orsillo. Clearly this man is full of Tofu.

ESPN.  Going hand in glove with the NFL, the backpocket media arm of Roger Goodell manages to fire people who defend the New England Patriots, cancel any show that shows intelligence, and keeps liars like Chris Mortensen aboard their sinking ship. Losing credibility seems to help their ratings. We believe a Tofu Turkey is deserved, but only you the voters can decide.

So, that is the slate. If it resembles a Republican primary ballot, we apologize. We couldn’t add Bernie Sanders to the group because he hates emails—which warms the Tofu Turkey heart.

We have asked Donald Trump to bestow this year’s honor, but he is too busy doing standup comedy on NBC, a previous Tofu Turkey winner.

Broke Hernandez

 

 DATELINE: Funny Money

Featured imageHernandez Lawyer Collects Fee

 

The news for Aaron Hernandez is grim. Forget being charged with double murder. He is low on cash.

His lawyer said there are no longer piles of money. No, we suspect not, especially after a cartload of lawyers descended on his bank account. One of his high priced lawyers is named Fee. Yikes. You know that one won’t lose a retainer.

Now we learn that Hernandez cannot even get a cash advance from his credit cards.

Welcome to Poverty Row, Hernandez. Like the rest of us who need legal counsel, we found ourselves penurious more often than not after the initial free conference with our lawyer.

Perhaps one of your rich former teammates can advance you a loan. Don’t ask Tom Brady because he may lose 25% of his salary for the upcoming season.

Gronk seems generous. What about those Pouncey Twins? They seemed loaded—guns and all.

Of course, you could always downgrade your attorneys from a dozen to two. And, on the positive side, you no longer have to worry about paying for room and board. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is generously giving you three skimpy meals per day and a roof.

We hate to say we told you so, but murder is an expensive hobby. When you start bumping off victims and witnesses too (or trying), you really run up the tab.

Alas, you can’t sell the million-dollar dollhouse you lived in or even your Hummer—everyone wants a piece of the estate. Now you are reduced to giving hummers in prison. That goes with the territory of killing people who have angry relatives.

Perhaps you can make a few bucks by working in the commissary at the prison, or by handing out towels in the shower room. Tips can go a long way.

Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette!

DATELINE: HUMOR

Featured image

The Hernandez jury had a pressing issue to raise with Judge Susan Garsh—and court was convened to address it.

Smokers on the jury want a smoke break. We heard testimony that Aaron Hernandez used to take smoke breaks all the time: of course, his cigarette of choice was the marijuana brand.

If you recall the old Phil Harris song from the 1950s, you may recall that, “Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette…till you smoke yourself to death.”

Jurors are ready to tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate that he will just have to wait because the jurors just gotta have another cigarette.

The old song noted that if the singer ever met the guy that invented the cigarette, “I’d murder that son of gun in the first degree.”

Heavens, we are reminded that nicotine slaves are all the same: everything has to stop while they have that cigarette.

Judge Garsh reminded jurors that they can take a smoke break. Smoke’em if they gottem. But they will be on police duty of the courtyard grounds at the end of every day.

And, the nonsmokers cannot deliberate while the smokers go out for a final puff before the EMTs arrive with oxygen. You hate to make Hernandez wait, but the jury just must have that cigarette.

It’s almost enough to make Hernandez take out his Glockenspiel and play the tune while he waits for a verdict.

Hernandez Demands Transfer to Country Club Jail

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Celebrity DNA

Aaron Hernandez has had enough of Bristol County Jail.

There his safety is in jeopardy. Just ask the inmate he beat up several months ago.

Just ask the flies who have been wantonly murdered to garnish Hernandez’s meals. He tried the old ploy to tell the sheriff that there was a fly in his soup to get another meal.

Just ask the fellow inmates at Bristol County to whom Hernandez sold his fan letters to give them a target to steal hearts and wallets when they get out.

Just ask the sheriff who has had to give media interviews weekly on how much weight Hernandez has lost since coming to jail.

Just ask the murder victim Odin Lloyd family that must travel several hours to attend every session in which Hernandez makes an appearance.

Just ask Hernandez who must pay for his lawyers to drive down to Fall River on a constant basis—and these guys don’t carpool, but come in separate limos.

Just ask Hernandez how hard it is to have his ninja friends visit for private conversations when the sheriff is eavesdropping.

Just ask Hernandez how revolting it is to have to deal with Judge Susan Garsh making goo-goo eyes at him. A courtroom insider tells us that she does not make eyes at him. It’s how she always looks at young muscular defendants.

Now that he is being tried in several jurisdictions, his high priced lawyers are finding the gas mileage on their limo is now exceeding the amount they want to charge Aaron for defense.

Hernandez has no preference. Any county country club jail will suffice, but if there is no room at the inn, he will gladly accept incarceration at the Sleep EZ motel with round-the-clock guards.

He would even take home arrest with his ankle bracelet—anyplace he can find a good meal and the chance to escape.

You can also ask to send in the clowns. Oh, never mind, they’re already here.

 

Michael Jace’s Worst Role

DATELINE: ACTORS & THEIR ROLES

jace as Jordan

Michael Jace as Michael Jordan, 1999

In 1999 he played Michael Jordan in a Fox TV docudrama. Now he plays a murderer in real life.

The latest celebrity killer has a history of playing roles in every crime show on television for the past twenty years. From guest roles on Murder She Wrote to CSI and his series featured acting on The Shield, Michael Jace has been reading scripts about murder and idiosyncratic killers.

It’s no wonder that the stuff wormed its way into his brain, leading to him shooting and killing his wife in front of their children.

Whatever the motives, we are more intrigued that the other great role in Jace’s career was to play Michael Jordan, smaller than life.

The role brought him instant attention, but never did help his rise up to the next level of actors. He did not go on to a theatrical movie career. He stayed small screen.

Playing Jordan, the legendary NBA star that parlayed his career into sort of a Bill Cosby-style athletic figure. Michael Jace, the actor, found himself up against the most recognizable face of his era, Michael Jordan, when he tried to act out the role in an unauthorized biography.

Of course, the movie in which Jace played Jordan showed the darker side of a celebrity—where gambling and murder of his father by criminal elements cast a dark shadow on his fame.

Suffice it to say, when you buck the trend and make a beloved figure look dubious, you may be putting your own life into the darker side. So, it seemed to be for Michael Jace.

Playing a police officer with personal problems on The Shield was only a step removed from playing an athlete with personal problems to being an actor with personal problems.

Michael Jordan never turned to the world of violence that O.J. Simpson, Oscar Pistorius, or Aaron Hernandez reached. But, his own screen impersonator, Michael Jace, has hit that nadir.

Fire Sale! New England Patriot Pants Half-Off!

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Celebrity DNA

Jerseys Off! Not pantaloons!

New England Patriot pants are now half-off! We expect a rush to judgment.

The New England Patriots are guaranteeing fans that buy jerseys with the wrong number can buy a different shirt for 25% off. Yes, for the first time, an NFL team will give a discount to fans that purchased the wrong player jersey.

So many Patriot players are jumping ship that fans don’t know what number to play. The playbill roster is also out of date the day of the game.

Alas, there was nothing in the Patriots announcement about pants being off. We might be curious about those Aaron Hernandez pants.

Fans are indignant about buying a player name and number on a Patriot shirt and having that player jump ship with his jumpsuit. Wes Welkah and Danny Woodhead have started a trend.

If your chosen player finds greener pastures, you may find a greener and newer jersey within 60 days at the Patriot Pro Shop at Patriot Place where making money is an art form.

This entire operation has us perplexed. After all, collectibles on eBay are based on rarity. It seems that a Wes Welker jersey and Welkah hat are worth far more today than ever before.

For all those people who dumped their Aaron Hernandez shirts, they may have lost a chance to sell big when Mr. H-Bomb is a candidate for lethal injection. Oh, wait, in Massachusetts, Hernandez lives on to decrepitude in his Patriots shirt in solitary confinement.

Yet, apparently fans do feel odd about showing up at the Foxboro game wearing the newly purchased Tim Tebow-Patriots QB shirt when he is in the Philippines performing acts of kindness for Christian charities.

So, for some up to the minute types, you can only show up in the trendy number of today’s hero. That Tom Brady shirt never goes out of fashion. Some faded jerseys with #12 on the reverse are 15 years old.

History is for the museum set, like those shirts hanging in Canton, Ohio.

 

Mr. H-bomb & Radioactivity

DATELINE: Bring on Those Indictments!

kindlehernandezcover1

You know a week cannot pass without Aaron Hernandez checking in on the publicity machine.

Perhaps the problem is that he misses the spotlight, but he cannot go too long without a fix in the media. He likely knows the weekly notice proves he is still alive, still viable, and still relevant.

This week Mr. H-bomb has been officially indicted for a couple of jailhouse activities. This is on top of the pending charges to come for multiple murders, starting with Odin Lloyd in North Attleboro.

Bail for murder(s) and trial(s) seem far off. Mr. H-bomb is too radioactive for public consumption.

Hernandez has now been officially accused of beating up a fellow inmate and threatening the life of a guard (and his family) with the Hernandez weapon of choice (shooting) whenever he is released from Bristol County Jail.

This is the guard who reported that Hernandez put a fly in his soup to demand a second meal. Now there’s an ointment on his fly.

Despite his remarkably innocent demeanor and doe-eyed choirboy look of naiveté, Mr. H-bomb must possess one deadly sense of indignation. Never do those who cross him come away scot-free.

Yet, the jailed man who met the flying fists of Hernandez has since been released, which may be a mixed blessing.

Anyone who crosses Hernandez has an unfortunate history of finding death lurking in the wings. Death never takes a holiday when Aaron Hernandez needs assistance.

Held without bail for the murder charge(s) and with added counts of violence piling on, Hernandez may be guaranteeing that he does not see the light of freedom anytime soon.

Nowadays H-bomb walks alone. They won’t allow him contact with other inmates.

 

 If you want the full coverage of Hernandez by Ossurworld, go to Amazon.com and look for Aaron Hernandez: Shoot First! for your jumping the gun insights.

 

 

2014 Annual Garbo Award Nominees!

 DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

garboAs springtime barrels down the highway with hit and run of SAD (seasonal affect disorder) victims, it’s time again for the seventh annual Boston Garbo Awards.

Yes, this notorious award for infamous sports athletes who give louche performances that should only be seen in dark theaters of operation has come around again.

Boston has never had a shortage of performers beyond the bounds of good taste and mercurial ego.

This year’s nominees include some standbys and a few new surprises.

BRANDON SPIKES, former New England Patriot run out of town after being tarred and feathered, is a nominee for his performance in Four Years a Slave. Spikes recently tweeted that playing for Bill Belichick was like being a slave for four years. Spikes previously posted a sex video of himself online.Sexy Spikes

DAVID ORTIZ has outdone himself this year, having lost previous awards to other, flashier stars. After taking down the FCC with his Marathon memoriam F-bomb, he then went to the White House and humiliated the President of the United States with a selfie to end all Ellen Degeneris selfies. He did all this while adeptly blackmailing Red Sox ownership for a new contract.OBAMA & ORTIZ

AARON HERNANDEZ is up again on charges that his murder rampages make Norman Bates look like Ted Bundy on steroids. It will hard for Hernandez to top the over-the-top performance of Oscar Pistorius in the international category.aarona-rod

BILL BELICHICK is again a Person of Interest, having turned down the role of computer guru on a TV series and refusing to play the role of Red Reddington in The Blacklist. Nonetheless, Belichick continues to be the mystery insider whom no NFL authorities can catch.blacklist

RAJON RONDO, whose masterful mercurial performances should eliminate him from further competition, is now rivaling perennial Meryl Streep for missing half a season and still managing to wear false beards, flop on the court, playing April Fool jokes on wounded war veterans, and doing all this now without his Hall of Fame costars. His one-man show is Gravity down to Earth.Prof. Rondo

Voting at the Academy of Garbo impersonators is expected to be hot and heavy, if not cold and lightweight.

Stay tuned for the results if Ellen Degeneris will only agree to announce them with a pizza delivery boy.

More Grist for the New England Patriot Millstone

DATELINE: HUMOR

blacklistAs owner Bob Kraft so eloquently put it, his team would not sell their soul for a bowl of porridge.

Even if the Patriot version of David Copperfield himself asked for more in the cafeteria line, Vince Wilfork would be sent away hungry.

The Pats will, however, throw pearls before swine.

Julian Edelman received four years on his new contract, while Wes Welker couldn’t get a month in a Nebraska jail from Bill Belichick.

The Patriots neither reap nor sow, but pay their players with birdseed. All that birdseed made Aaron Hernandez an eagle-eye shot at the rifle range.

A-Her Gun Mad

New Patriots players are singing about a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and a fickle finger of fate having moved on.

Tom Brady intends to feed his team with a couple of loaves of bread and two fillet of fish sandwiches from Mickey Dee. We know they will all be sated.

Newly minted Patriot Brandon Browner won’t see his greenbacks till after game four. Alfonso Dennard should be released from the chain gang by then too.

Bill Belichick once read that Robert Frost claimed good fences make good neighbors. He is now putting the finishing touches on his Great Wall of China between the Patriots and the sports media.

The Krafts have finally decided to cancel the charter jet contract for this season with Malaysian Airlines.

Bill Belichick has been having trouble differentiating between the Denver Broncos roster and the Blacklist of Red Reddington.

Murder Most Foul Under the Hair Dryer

DATELINE: DROP DEAD BEAUTY

affluenza suffererHollywood is never one to take a back seat to New England. Therefore, when Aaron Hernandez took the starring role as a hitman who kills a bunch of thug wannabes in Boston, Hollywood knew it had at least one NFL killer in its midst.

Now the Hollywood community is aghast that a former NFL Detroit Lion has been implicated as a man hired to kill some poor schmuck who worked at a beauty salon.

The brains behind this dumb move is one Dawn DaLuise, a skin specialist who proves beauty is only skin deep.

The list of former Detroit Lions making a living in Hollywood is a killer. The names can be counted on one hand: and since police are throwing out hints that this is a biggie, we have an idea about the identity of our suspect.

You can take the killer out of the NFL, but you can’t stop him from wanting to execute. The Lion in question is reportedly Chris Geile, a 300-pound sack of sackers.

Now he appears to be the sucker of a beautician whose ugliness has led her to try to murder a rival through a hired gunsel. She solicited Chris Geile to do her bidding and bumping off. Granted, the former NFL dumbbell played only three games in 1987.

Hernandez may still hold the NFL record for sheer numbers of dead piling up on the streets of Boston. Of course, Hollywood is no stranger to weird killers on the fringe of the entertainment biz. Do we have to say the initials “O.J.”?

NFL thugs are now a driving force behind murder in our society.

George Zimmerman & His Everlast Feat

DATELINE: BOXING DAY FOR NIGHT

affluenza sufferer

Fat killer George Zimmerman has found his boxing career stymied before it starts. It appears there was not enough headroom for spectators in the sewer where the fight was scheduled to be held.

The money for fighting in one of those celebrity matches would have given Zimmerman a comfy profit. When people resort to this sort of savage spectacle worthy of Ancient Rome, society is on the verge of collapse.

Yes, the killer of Trayvon Martin will not allow us to see his flab and inept defensive skills. Without a gun, he probably could not beat many men.  With a gun he could murder a teenager. Justin Bieber was not available for the match.

We would rather see him fight Tonya Harding because she would beat his ass to a pulp.

The scandal of a murderer who beat the rap through a hare brain law has been shut down before the nation went into apoplexy. Zimmerman would have given boxing a bad name, no mean feat.

Surely there is a place for George Zimmerman to box people like O.J. Simpson. Dante had a circle in hell for such activities.

Hieronymous Bosch might have painted depraved pictures of Satan sticking a pitchfork into Zimmerman’s tailbone to help his left hook.

The fight was ostensibly canceled because Zimmerman was receiving death threats for his big payday and payoff for showing off.

He was going to fight another loser, DMX, a rapper with a rap sheet.

If tasteless is your cup of tea, Zimmerman’s boxing match was announced on the birthday of dead Trayvon. Now that’s marketing with a vengeance.

The promoter seems to have come to his senses. Death threats tend to do that quickly.

Without a stand your ground law in boxing, Zimmerman didn’t stand a chance. That’s not to say there won’t be a boxing match somewhere down the road when Aaron Hernandez is let out of jail.

We’d rather see Hernandez and Zimmerman with pistols and ten paces.

 

Alexander Bradley Fails the Mensa Test

DATELINE: HUMDINGER

ImageThe one-eyed Jack in the Hernandez deck of Jokers has been incarcerated on a bond of $1million.

Suffice it to say, we doubt that this convicted felon who was reportedly with A-Her when two men were gunned down in a drive-by shooting in Boston last summer will make bond.

The John Beresford Tipton of his life, the man with millions to drop in his lap, has his own legal troubles and won’t be forwarding any bail money to the man who is also suing him for half that much.

For those too young to recall, Beresford Tipton would give a million bucks to someone every week and watch the catastrophes unfold. Not one of the imbeciles upon whom he gave the money had the smarts to survive.

A-Her won’t be writing a check for one million smackeroos anytime soon for Alexander Bradley. Too bad. It would make for high comedy.

Aaron Hernandez may be of impeccable character, but based on his associates, we have a strong suspicion that he is not impeccable unless there is a special impeccable category in unsavory.

If you’re lucky enough to still be alive and an associate of Hernandez, you likely now will take to the hills. It seems anyone who knows A-Her is meeting his Maker—or an illegal automatic weapon.

In the case of Alexander Bradley (aka the man who couldn’t see straight), his life is flashing before his one good eye.

Whether someone has it in for him, or whether he is an idiot, only a trial may show.

At least now the Greater Hartford area is safer with this nitwit behind bars. His attorney seemed to throw him on the mercy of the court, suggesting is a magnet for trouble through no fault of his own. At least we won’t have to sit before Judge Susan Not so Harsh Garsh, of Bristol County, Massachusetts.

Yeah, if you believe that Bradley is a victim, you probably think Hernandez will walk when the trial comes down to juror tampering.

It’s hard to convict when every witness around the defendant is being shot daily.

A-Rod Shot Down in Flames

DATELINE: Divine Retribution

 arod

It’s A-Rod’s D-Day, not quite his V-J Day.

We are happier if it proves to be the end of the line, the Montauk Point of his drug-addled career. He is suspended for one year. We suspect that this verdict will be appealed, and he will continue to appeal longer than Shoeless Joe played in exile.

Being suspended for one complete season, A-Rod refuses to call it his Waterloo, and he will not be going to Elba any time soon.

You may remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor, but don’t put A-Rod’s game in that auspicious list of remembrances. A-Rod’s day does not deserve to live in infamy.

We’d like to forget A-Rod and his horse-choking salary for being a tool of PEDs.

As long as there are ambulance chasers and beer chasers, A-Rod will be appealing the finding that he is a cheater. There are as many lawyers as major league teams that want to sign on with him.

The Yankees could trade him to some team in Japan near the nuclear plant meltdown. He’d be right at home, glowing in the dark and growing another head.

If the suspension stands, A-Rod won’t return to major league baseball until he is past 40. Of course, A-Rod lives in dog years, which means he has the mental and emotional age of a six-year old. No offense intended, kids.

Mr. Rodriguez always gauged his age by that look in the mirror, not that date on the calendar. He still looks younger and cuter than any other crooked, amoral cheater in sports. Oh, wait, A-Rod!  Aaron Hernandez has you beat on this one.