Four Game Suspension and Off with His Head

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The NFL’s new favorite number is not eight (as in eight ball or black ball). It is four (4) as in games to be suspended.

When they suspended Tom Brady for a bunch of hot air balloons deflated, we had no idea that they would suspend another star for four games a week after Tom had his appeal hearing.

Thus, in the harebrained world of mathematical and statistical science in the Commissioner’s office, we have parity.

Now the NFL, in its infinite wisdom like the Wizard of Oz, has suspended Antonio Gates for four games. They have also suspended Sheldon Richardson for four games for substance abuse. These two causes are nearly as heinous as letting air out of Roger Goodell’s tires.

Gates has admitted he used PEDs (performance enhancing). Apparently using drugs to increase your personal performance is akin to having someone else deflate a football.

In what world are these comparable? In the world of Roger Goodell and Ted Wells there is no difference in the crime.

If you are looking at tea leaves for a reading, there is nothing better than to see two portends: first, Troy Vincent was set loose to hold a press conference and attack the NFLPA for spending too much money on appealing bad sentences—and now they have decided four games is a good number for every crime and infraction in the sport.

Tom’s sentence, in some twisted logic, is now standard, not unusual. What kind of maroons are running the NFL?

We should not ask such questions, lest we become discouraged from watching football games.



No Cheaters or Liars Club for Tom Brady

DATELINE: Excluded & Exclusive
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Tom Brady and his rich and lovely wife Giselle Bunchen have applied for membership in one of the most exclusive country clubs in the country. It is so exclusive that its name is simply The Country Club.

Of course, the membership committee hates any publicity, no matter how much money you have. Worse yet, Tom’s references have grown murky over the past year.

It seems he has been labeled a liar and cheat in the media.

We presume the Country Club of Brookline has members who never deign to read the tabloids. Therefore, he may make a complete pass in that regard. We doubt, however, that many fail to watch CNN or local news. Therein lies the rub. His psi is overwhelming.

We recall the famous story of movie star Victor Mature who was blackballed from an exclusive club for being, heaven help us, an ‘actor.’

To his credit, Mature shot back that he was no actor—and he had 50 movies to prove it.

Tom may be hard-pressed to claim he is no football star and has four Super Bowl rings to prove it.

To enter a truly elite and posh club, we may be out of line to say—but it seems being a liar and cheat would be de rigueur. How else could you gain entry?

Since this club in Brookline (with a limited membership of 1300 intrepid snobs) has exceeded the famous outer limits of 400, we think Tom should not worry about the “good values” clause. They obviously are taking all comers.

However, in the immortal words of Groucho Marx, we would never belong to any club that would have us as a member.

Masters of Suspension: Hitch a Wagon to Goodell

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Yes, The Noose Hangs High for Abbot and Costello was great cinema. So was Clint Eastwood’s High’em High. Hanging Tom Brady in effigy cannot hold a candle in comparison.

If you are waiting like Madame Defarge with your knitting needles before the guillotine, you could be knitting your brow before you knit an Afghan comforter. In a world of tit for tat, Tom Brady won’t be climbing those steps to his own execution.

The NFL wants to hand out suspensions in cold blood.

Suspension madness, as practiced by Goodell, is nothing short of a Death Wish. But Roger is no Charles Bronson, and his victims are about to wish upon a star like Tom.

Roger Goodell is likely to be waiting at the top of the Empire State Building in the rain, hoping for an end to this Affair to Remember.

Roger Goodell may be standing up there atop the altar, like one of those Mayan heart throb chisellers, but Tom’s heart will keep pumping up those NFL fans. It will be Apocalypto for Goodell.

Death May Come for the Archbishop, but Tom Brady will not fall off the Bridge of San Luis Rey, no matter how Wilder it becomes in Our Town.

After presiding over his own version of the Monkey Trial, Goodell is ready to Inherit the Wind.

When it comes to executing a four game suspension for Tom, Death Takes a Holiday. We are listening for the uplift of Copeland’s Appalachian Spring to sound its clarion call.

If it takes until the First Monday in October to find a court injunction, Tom will stop the Star Chamber from filling with noxious gas.





In the Driver’s Seat with Tom Brady

 DATELINE: Judge, Jury, and Dope


Featured imageJudge, Jury, & Commissioner

Whatever the decision by Roger Goodell on the Deflategate punishment for star Tom Brady, the Patriots QB made the Commissioner earn his paycheck this week.

The NFL had hoped and suggested four hours would be the length of time needed to present his case about a vacuum of air pressure.

Instead, the power of Tom Brady made the case drag out for ten hours. It is indeed Brady’s power to do so. Goodell may have hoped he would not have to listen to much, but Brady and his attorneys made Goodell squirm in his kingly throne.

There is no other way to look at it. Brady force fed the commissioner, like it or not, for almost eleven hours, including a most tasteless lunch break.

Goodell had to listen, lest he be accused of impartiality and prejudice. He had to listen to the greatest player his sport has produced in this era—and he had to face the music of how his actions have failed to protect the sport that paid him $44m this year.

Yes, Tom Brady forced Goodell to hear how he squandered $6m on a Wells Report that was a waste of paper. Goodell had to listen to the fact that he hired experts who were clueless about science and the rules of the game.

Goodell had to listen to Brady’s lawyers demolish the NFL commissioner’s incompetent referees and staff.

Tom Brady may pay a steep price for that privilege, but it had to be sweet to be in the driver’s seat and run down the Commissioner multiple times.

A Hearing No One Could Hear: Deflategate, the Epic!


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The Deflategate hearing proved to be big. It was a really big show for a really Big Apple.

We had an epic on our hands. Tom Brady looked more stunning than Lawrence of Arabia in his white robes. We looked for camels as a harbinger of the showdown.

We thought Donald Trump was going to show up and fire Goodell.

There were so many lawyers attending that they had to find a bigger conference room.

It went on hours longer than the original plan. Yes, after months of waiting, the hearing went over budget. Some claimed it ran ten hours or more. Others said with coffee breaks and lunch, it ran closer to fifty minutes.

The clocks said ten to twelve hours, or was that merely the clock striking the witching hour? We had an epic on the order of Chimes at Midnight.

The event was Biblical. Though it did not rain frogs in New York, it did rain cats and dogs. And in New England the tornado warnings and torrential downpours were reminiscent of 40 days and nights of rain. We looked for the NFL officials to sail off in an ark.

This was the Ben Hur of hearings. It ran longer than the chariot race and seemed to leave wreckage everywhere we looked, but that mess was merely the look of Manhattan around NFL headquarters. It always looks that way.

No one ever saw Brady leave, but there were sightings of Goodell with a growth of beard and a rumpled suit like he had been wrestling an alligator—or just with his conscience. He walked like a man with more boils than Job.

Reporters and media finally gave up on Brady as midnight approached. Security said he beamed up to the Kraft mothership much earlier. The day went slower than Star Trek: The Motion Picture.

Brady’s expensive and topnotch attorney Jeffrey Kessler briefly let the waiting protestors know that he had made a “compelling case” for his high salary.

If he hadn’t, Brady ought to demand his money back.

The Deflate-gate roadshow was over. It wasn’t the greatest show on earth, and it wasn’t the greatest story ever told.

Not One Cent for Ted Wells’ Tribute

DATELINE: Unfunny Hear, Hear

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If you think Ted Wells, author of the Deflategate Inquisition Damnation document wants to be at the hearing of Tom Brady in New York, you’d be way off target—sort of like his report.

The ostensible subject of the hearing is allegedly Brady. However, the real man in the hot seat is Ted Wells.

He will earn his six million dollar, inflated legal fee on Tuesday when he becomes the man in the Star Chamber. If he doesn’t make sense, Roger Goodell may ask for his money back. At the least, Wells may find his future earnings in jeopardy—and never given again a lucrative by the hour stipend to write a blanket indictment of an NFL player,

Yes, it seems Wells may be a bit uncomfortable, albeit defensive, when Brady high-priced attorneys have at him. We are looking at a shark attack, in which the sharks will be eating each other.

When they’re done, they may eat Goodell when the owners take the legal fees out of his hide and his $44million salary for the year.

When millions are spent for defense, there is not much chance you will see objectivity anywhere.

Paying tribute will make for some dramatic moments. Ted Wells may go down with the pirates of Tripoli as one of the biggest crooks on record.

Ted Wells, not Tom Brady, will be on the hot seat. And he may want a do-nut cushion to sit on that is fully inflated. But Tom’s lawyers will be letting the NFL mouthpiece feel the full effects of a psi during his prolonged testimony.

Bad Weather a Bad Omen for Tom Brady?

DATELINE: Winds of Prevailing Opinion

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With Tom Brady going into a kangaroo court hearing, the storm warnings have been issued in Boston. While the star QB has gone to meet his fate in the Big Apple, he has left his fans and homeland around Boston with dramatic and increased chance of severe weather.

Meteorologists, often disparaged by Patriot coach Bill Belichick, have offered a dire forecast for the day Tom Brady must face his accusers.

A significant severe weather event may hit Foxboro, according to the National Weather Service. When Ted Wells uses voodoo science, the psi of the day indicates that Massachusetts is at high risk for its first summer squall.

To quote the science that the NFL disparages, “There is the potential for an outbreak of severe storms,” the weather service said, “Including severe thunderstorms that may bring damaging winds (up to 70 mph), golf ball size hail, heavy rain and a risk of isolated tornadoes.”

Tom faces something nearly as bad.

In particular, the Storm Prediction Center has categorized this as a day of bad timing for Brady. Some may want to liken the forecasters as astrologers in the mode of Nostradamus.

Worst weather is scheduled to unleash its fury on New England as Tom’s New York hearing heats up. Many predictions are being tentative because the worst hullabaloo will be dependent on how angry Tom and his lawyers become when Ted Wells stands up at the hearing to defend his voodoo science report.

“If cloud cover remains throughout the morning and into early afternoon, the air is likely to remain more stable and the risk of storm severity will be decreased,” the weather service said.  “If cloud cover clears by midday to early afternoon, the air will become more unstable and the risk of storm severity will be greatly increased.”

If Ted Wells blows hot air into the hearing, you can expect the worst.

High Noon for Tom Brady in 24 Hours

 DATELINE:  Forsaken Judgment

Featured imageGary Cooper as Tom Brady

When Roger Goodell vacates Tom Brady’s four-game suspension, he will also be vacating his own job. You cannot be paid $44 million per year to make colossal errors of judgment—and then reverse course, telling your bosses that you are supremely fair.

A fair man would not have put an untenable punishment on a player who is the epitome of championship caliber.

Oh, on Tuesday the worm may turn. The bite-back from a worm proving as fatal as a cobra may seem silly, but the entire Deflategate affair has been down in the dumps of overblown hysteria.

When child abusers and wife beaters have their punishments vacated or ameliorated, then how do you not alter the damage done to a player accused of having general knowledge that his footballs were deflated?

Tampering is not proven. There is no smoking gun—only a report saying they don’t need a smoking gun.

If Goodell paid Ted Wells millions, by the hour, to draw this conclusion, his bosses—the mercurial owners of the NFL—may decide what is good for the goose is even better applied to the gander.

The train with Frank Miller on it is ready to pull into the station. Tom Brady is like Sheriff Kane, alone with his honor. He must face the deranged situation at High Noon.

Do not forsake me, oh my darling, indeed.

Tom has his loyal wife and his true believers. Frank Miller was a reprehensible fiend who intimidated a town. He sounds a bit like Roger Goodell.

Brady will have, like Sheriff Kane, a chance to throw his badge into the dirt and ride off. The NFL won’t survive that gesture, and we don’t expect owners, courts, and public opinion, to let that happen.

Tom, Tom, Charitable Tom

DATELINE: Good Guy Finishing First Featured image Our criticism of the Dudley Do-Right of Deflation has wrought more than pocket change.

Tom-Tom beat the critics over the head with their own critical attitudes, proving us wrong. If he does the same to Roger Goodell at Tuesday’s Deflation hearing, he will be the golden boy again. Within 24 hours of another one of our scathing insults,

Tom Brady’s publicity machine went into full gear. If we were wrong, we were wrong in 170,000 ways. Tom, it seems, is a man without need to rip dollars out of the public coffers. His wife is a high priced model, after all. So, the chicken feed paid by Salem State University did not go for paying for a helicopter as transportation.

Tom divided up the huge speaking fee given him by a public university among some of his favorite charities. At least, that is what the story said a day after bad publicity. You can’t go into an NFL hearing with a tarnished halo.

The high priced handlers of Brady now insist that he gave most of the speaking fee to his own charitable foundation called Best Buddies. (It almost sounds like a page out of Hillary Clinton’s speaking fee book).

So, Tom is back in the good graces of good grace. Evil critics have been banished from the kingdom of Patriot Place, and all is right in the world—well, at least until the nemesis wizard Roger Goodell is sent packing at his Inquisition on Deflation.

Tom Brady Takes a Bad Publicity Hit and Changes It

 DATELINE:  The Cost of a Stone Wall

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No sooner do you say Deflategate, but Tom Brady has opened up another can of worms. Yes, Tom is now involved in Speechgate. Talk is cheap, except when you accept exorbitant fees to make sound and fury that signify nothing.

Twenty-four hours after the Wells Report damned him as a cheat and liar, Tom Brady went to Salem State University (having moved on to the big-time from being Salem State College). He charged them $175,000 for a minor and inconsequential chat and arrived in a helicopter.

He promptly refused to discuss Deflategate with the host of the event and with the audience. He smiled while taking the money and running.

So, the big reason to see Brady became a chance to see his stone walling technique.

Brady told the adoring throng that he had not yet digested the news of the Wells Report. He could have said anything and the crowd would have loved him. It was not nice.

However, to take money from a “foundation” (not technically the state college) seems disingenuous. No taxpayer money paid for his non-speech. There is no record that he returned the money to the nonprofit charitable foundation.

Tom is a conservative. You better believe he pockets the money—especially now that he could lose millions in paychecks to the Goodell kangaroo court.

If ever Tom has made a misstep, it is not in deflating footballs, but taking money from a charity. Millionaires are supposed to give to causes that help people. You don’t take.

That’s our take on Tom’s generosity. But within 24 hours, our take was proven wrong. See the next piece.

Souvenir for Sale: Deflated Football


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Now you can buy a piece of history. Of course, any time you buy history, you have to deal with inflation that sent the Weimar Republic into the arms of Adolph Hitler.

You’ve seen it on any given Sunday: a player hands off a souvenir football to a fan sitting in the front row of the stadium. It’s as if having money to burn is a sure way to have money to burn.

In our case at hand, a happy couple was given one of the scoring footballs that LaGarrette Blount took into the end zone. Yes, it happens to be a deflated icon ball, actually handled and squeezed by Tom Brady.

There are fewer than a dozen of these balls floating around the stratosphere. Only one is documented. The rest are like Trump’s Mexicans; undocumented jumping beans.

This is no fluke. There is video proving the couple received a dubious ball—though the air trail seems to evaporate after they left the stadium. Is it real? Or is it just another ball with less air than the atmosphere of Mars?

You can get anything on auction nowadays, ranging from a stolen Super Bowl ring belonging to Brandon Spikes, one-time pal of Aaron Hernandez, to the more probable than not ball that Tom Brady never ordered deflated.

The owners hope to realize six figures. That should keep them in those season-ticket, front-row seats for the rest of their lives.

At the minimum, the opening bid will be in the $25,000 range. Tom ought to buy up the evidence and destroy it—like Richard Nixon did to those Watergate tapes.

Trump Deflates His Opponents with Brady Style

DATELINE: Presidential

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Trump & His Running Mate

Unconventional presidential candidate Donald Trump announced he was running for the office. For years he had hinted at a run, but never took the step.

Now he has thrown his king-size crown into the ring.

Not only is he the wealthiest of the dozen midgets seeking the Republican nomination, he quickly pointed out that, compared to China, these mixed assortment of candies and nuts were outclassed by world leaders in China.

Then came the Tom Brady rub.

Trump believes the United States leadership is like a high school football team. Now if Tom Brady and Bill Belichick were their opponents—you can see why defeat is looming.

Yes, Trump believes he would be like Tom Brady on the field. He would equalize the Chinese.

The offbeat analogy may work better than Boston’s sports media can figure.

Whatever people think of Brady and Belichick, they do believe them to be smarter than all the other teams. If Trump is promising the same kind of brains in politics, then he may be on to something.

Right now, the Republican candidate field looks like angry Mensa rejects. Trump may not seem like Bill Belichick, but he knows when to fire that apprentice. It’s a good start in being a world-class, like Belichick and Brady.

Trump has the acidic demeanor of Belichick and the charming confidence of Brady. Wrap it up, voters, and you have a season ticket on the fifty-yard line with deflated footballs. We still think Tom is a better vice president than Bill.

Brady Wants No Compomise


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Like Lawrence of Arabia, Brady of Foxboro will take no prisoners.

Preliminary reports about next week’s Deflategate hearing have come from an NFLPA letter. The union intends to present a scorched earth to Roger Goodell. They will hammer the incongruities and inconsistencies of the Wells Report.

Goodell paid millions for his report—and with salt it still is undigestible. Already the NFL is sporting the mischaracteristics of dyspepsia. A few diehards believe Goodell will never eat his own words.

Who could blame him? But Goodell is now against the greatest competitor his office has ever faced. On top of that, Brady is smart too. He has the high-priced gunslingers in addition to the heady group of union lawyers. They will not be happy with a half-suspension, or a small fine. They want the head of Roger Goodell on a silver platter.

We doubt that Giselle will do the Dance of the Seven Veils on the runway to achieve this goal. It won’t be necessary because the man who plays backgammon with ruthless abandon is readying for his closeup with Mr. Goodell.

Tom Brady wants his good name back—and if winning it again requires him to stomp on Roger Goodell in the Supreme Court of the United States, we suspect he will go there with guns blazing and balls inflated.

Compromise is not on the table. This may be leaving Goodell a little queasy. Someone will have to cut and run next week. Our money is on the man who faces a fine of nearly $2M for a few ounces of air.

This psi may blow up in Goodell’s face.

Ring Bearer and Rumor Monger Tom Brady

DATELINE: Time and Tide

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Time and Tide wait on no man.

Unless you are Tom Brady.

With a few weeks to go before the big hearing to decide if Tom will miss four games, or if the NFL wants to continue to shoot itself in the head, there appears to be some movement in the rumor mill that hints at some kind of exoneration for Brady.

Independent analysts (not hired by Goodell or the Patriots) now are calling the Wells Report “seriously flawed.” Gee, ya think? The New York Times has joined the cacophony.

After being paid millions for his hatchet job, Lawyer Ted Wells has begun to take on the look of a wolverine. Why is he so antagonistic to Tom Brady? Why did he flip the coin and always find tales to blame the Patriot QB?

Some rumors say that the penalty must be vacated, lest silent Tom and his high-powered attorneys will go to the court of legal fairness—far beyond the Goodell Kangaroo Court Martial.

In the meantime Tom will join all his teammates from the Super Bowl team at the big BBQ over at Bob Kraft’s manse where the duped owner will dole out jewel-encrusted rings to the winners. It is a private affair, sort of like a religious ceremony on a Sunday morn. It’s also Flag Day.

The team will be expected privately to rally ‘round the flag and Tom Brady, which are nearly synonymous in these Patriot Place parts.

Whether Roger Goodell decides to give Tom Brady back his good name will go a long way to deciding if Roger Goodell will ever have a good name.

In the meantime Tom’s silence with the media is golden. He is stockpiling the ammo. If Goodell doesn’t see the big guns by now, he better praise the Lord.