The President Rings Twice, and the Patriots Answer

DATELINE:  Ring-a-Ding Trump

off off-season   Mr. Kraft to you bradys-friend

Having eschewed humorous sports reports on Boston travesties lately, we are forced into a return to the topic one more time.

For this, you can thank Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and close friend of President Donald Trump.

In April, one of the first big sports events of the Trump era was the visit of the Super Bowl champs of 2017 to the White House. This fiasco was decorated with many missing members of the team who protested the new President. One can only wonder how many of the black players might find their lives hardly mattering after the incidents of KKK and neo-Nazis in Charlottesville or Charlotte’s Web.

They might feel some blame for the violence, making their livings through one of the most concussed and violent games around.

However, we beat a dead horse when today’s news is not fake enough for the alt-right. Yes, Robert Kraft has bestowed one of his $36,000 diamond-studded Super Bowl rings on Mr. Trump.

Usually the President receives a jersey with Tom Brady’s partial number, 1, on it, if it is recovered from international thieves.

However, this year, the man who often breaks bread with Trump and flies on Air Force One often, decided to break precedent and give the President one of those prized rings.

Reportedly, Kraft wanted Trump to have something to put into his presidential library when his term is up, sooner than later, with not much to show for it so far.

Kraft also gave a ring to Tom Brady’s mother for her valiant battle against cancer, which felled Kraft’s wife several years ago. It was Trump’s condolences back then that sealed his friendship with the billionaire NFL owner.

 

 The White House is not talking about when the ring was made or bestowed. And, the Patriots have only made a sly announcement this week in the midst of the pre-season after a tumultuous off off-season.

You can read all about it in Ossurworld’s notorious book, The Patriots Most Off Off-Season Ever, perhaps the last in the Patriots series of hilarious, if not nasty, accounts of their dynastic years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

WordPress, Wherefore Art Thou?

DATELINE:  Biting the Hand That Feeds Us Tofu Turkey

Tofu   tofu turkey

Almost as juicy as our Tofu Turkey Award, we were just notified by WordPress that this is our seventh anniversary.

We almost expect the locust to descend upon our readers.

Every once in a while we realize that there are awards out there for blogs, but as Ella Fitzgerald used to sing, “But Not for Me….”

Yes, indeed, bloggers are writing songs of love, but not for me.

We heard there are real WordPress awards out there, but they are as mysterious as the Men in Black for us.

Fear not, fearless readers. We will continue for another seven years writing movie reviews on weird movies, pushing our bad books, and berating Tom Brady. If we are not mistaken, seven years is about the same length of time for those with bad luck when you break a mirror.

Thank you, WordPress, for reminding us.

 

 

Tom Brady Writes a Book: Sort of

DATELINE: Literary Lightweights

kindlecover

No, we are innocent of the crime:  we did not ghostwrite Tom Brady’s new book: The TB12 Method.

We suspect that even Tom does not know who wrote his book. He only found out he wrote a book recently.  He has been busy doing other things, like traveling to China, training for the new season in Wyoming, and charity events—not to mention teaming up with Tony Robbins.

The Robbins event would have been a good chance to announce his new motivational book.  He didn’t because the corporation behind Tom, into making money, only tells Tom about the checks he receives for endorsements. So, who wrote Tom’s new book?

And will this be a better best seller than Tom’s pajamas or secret recipe compilation? It likely won’t be cheap to buy. Tom likes expensive prices on his merchandise. He learned that from Tony Robbins.

The world learned this week about Tom Brady’s new literary effort that is based on his dietary, physical training and personal philosophy.  The book will be out during the upcoming season to maximize royalty payments.

We don’t know when Tom had time to write so-called book, but certainly the idea was floating around when he did the Tony Robbins motivational speaker show in Boston. If he had been working on the book then, he would’ve likely mentioned it during his appearance as a motivational speaker. He did not.

However, he may have been inspired to come up with a book to make more money when he heard Julian Edelman wrote a children’s book about a greedy squirrel with an obsession on nuts.

Tom’s book is already a best-seller on Amazon–without a cover or a price.

We would like to take credit as Tom’s ghost writer, but the book apparently is not about ghosts, nor one with humorous intent or comical asides.  Tom does that quite well– but we are slightly better.

So, we are forced to ask Tom: Was it something we said in one of our nasty books on a previous Patriots season or on the scandal of Deflategate that caused Tom’s handlers to select a different ghostwriter?

We know Tom would have picked us if he knew he was writing a book. He appreciates excellence in grammar.

Sumo Like It Hot for Tom Brady

DATELINE: Great Wall of China Meets Great Brady

sumo like it hot

When Under Armor sends Tom Brady around the world in eight days, you can expect some great moments.

Phileas Finn had his sidekick, and Tom Brady had his young son along for the ride.

So, the Greatest of All Time in football quarterbacking met the Greatest of All Time in Walls. It was enough to make President Trump jealous. Or, perhaps Tom was there to give Trump a report on how well walls work in the world.

Great Wall Meets Great Brady

Sublime met the ridiculous again when Brady decided to doff his shirt (not stolen by agents of North Korea) and do a tag team wrestling match against some heavyweight Sumo guys.

Tom is not quite the Pillsbury Doughboy when it comes to muscle, but he is not Arnold either. He posed, rather ill-advisedly with Sumo wrestlers in their diaper wraps. Tom had the good taste to wear his patented sleepwear pantaloons.

Some Brady groupies are agog at the fleshpot photos of Brady among the Sumos.  We are less impressed that Sumo like it hot.

Pictures like these generally come back to haunt. In this case, it may never go away long enough to be missed. We may take a long time to try to expunge the image from our memory banks.

We can’t imagine that Tom will sell his sleepware to many wrestlers who seem to revel in having their hot flesh bare in bed.

We aren’t sure who is advising Tom on this latest cavort. At least he managed to escape the clutches of his own Passepartout, Julian Edelman, for a few days.

Secret Ceremony of Patriot Ring Bearers

Giselle & Bunch Lords of the Rings & Giselle

DATELINE:  Brady as Lord of the Rings

The New England Patriots Super Bowl party in which they were given their gaudy rings was an affair more secretive than a Masonic 33rd Degree installation.

If Aaron Hernandez were still alive, he’s accused all of  his former teammates of belonging to the Illuminati, or at least the billionaires among them.

Gronk let it be known that they were sworn not to talk about the details of the binge party. However, he did admit that Mr. Kraft knows how to throw a shebang. It isn’t difficult when you have $4 billion in your bank account.

Many of the former Patriots who have jumped ship for the upcoming season (including Martellus Bennett and LeGarrett Blount) were there. They certainly know they may never get to see another Super Bowl party with ring bearers.

Fake media was kept at a distance.

Tom Brady did come with his lovely wife Gisele who belongs to the almost-billionaire club, but you’d have to look hard for any other girlfriends or wives. We do know that Julian Edelman was right there, elbowing Giselle out of the picture.

Just to show he was the Eastern Star at this 33rd degree celebration, Tom wore all five of his Super Bowl rings. He even allowed Bill Belichick to put on those five so every finger on the Coach’s hands was covered in silver, gold, and diamonds of differing weights.

The event occurred in Bob Kraft’s mansion in Brookline, just a stone’s throw from Tom’s mansion in Brookline. Sometime in a future episode of Ancient Aliens, archaeologists will visit Brookline and say this was the City of the Gods.

We can’t tell you if the flying saucers landed, like Marshall Applewhite’s crew at Heaven’s Gate,  and which ones they took away.  We do know security took away many fake media members. ring bearers

Will Success Spoil Tom Brady?

 best buds

DATELINE:  Tony Robbins Extravaganza on Wealth

While former FBI Director James Comey was sticking a knife in the back of Donald Trump, Tom Brady was on stage in Boston giving a peptalk to those willing to pay $3000 to hear his words of wisdom. He did not walk on hot coals as Tony Robbins usually requires.

Based on the notes of Tom’s short speech, he had nothing to say about Donald Trump. Nor did he say a great deal about how he married Big and Beautiful $$$ himself.

That’s one sure way to accumulate wealth fast. In case you are living in a cave, or not a real Patriot fan, Tom’s wife is Giselle Bundchen, the highly successful but retired supermodel.

Tom basically gave his rags-to-riches story in terms of his making every football team where he ever tried out.

In case you didn’t know, he was he was Drew Bledsoe’s back up for a short time. He generously said he learned much from Bledsoe, but we recall that when Bledsoe returned from injury he started acting like Brady.

Someone learned from Tom’s peptalk and he didn’t have to pay an entrance fee. There were plenty of people willing to fork out big bucks to hear this drivel.

Brady admitted he didn’t know how to put on football pads when he first started playing. Fortunately, now he can’t afford to find someone someone to dress him.  They are called personal assistants. To be Tom’s assistant maybe as close as some of these rich folks in the audience will come to success.

We suspect that the audience of millennial’s, as young as they are, are already too old to follow and Tom’s footsteps. That is unless you want to marry money.

Julian Edelman was there as Brady’s personal sidekick and gadfly.  Edelman worships the ground Tom walks on, and apparently sells the sod to those who want to touch greatness.

Julie E has a chip on his shoulder as he told the audience. He had to work for everything he has. It takes a great deal of work to keep everyone away from his good friend Tom Brady. That’s how you remain the best friend (by taking the role of Richard III).

If you missed the Tom Brady/Julian Edelman talk on success, you didn’t miss much. You would’ve learned a great deal more by listening to former FBI Director Comey as he detailed how Tom’s good friend tells lies, plain and simple. And we don’t mean Tony Robbins.

Tom Brady Channels His Inner Trump

DATELINE:  Out, Out, Damn Fake News

elephant man Ossurworld Under Cover

It was bound to happen. The media has been denied access to a Tom Brady event.

Yes, the liberal Boston Globe apparently felt the wrath of Tom Brady. They were kicked out of Tom’s annual charity event held at Harvard Stadium by Best Buddies. This is the popular gathering in which friends of Tom on the Patriots team play touch football for fun.

Tom quarterbacks both squads with ”least valuable players” (Tom’s quote)– people like Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Apparently the Globe did the unthinkable. They questioned recently in an article the charitable shenanigans of Brady’s various foundations.

Now we understand that most charity groups founded by star athletes are a tax dodge. We thought everyone knew that it is a way to avoid paying huge tax on those million dollar contracts. Charities benefit in some way, but forget the notion of generosity.

Well, Tom’s people took umbrage and used their inner Trump to cast out the fake news purveyors—namely, said Boston Globe who wanted to take pix of Tom at the Best Buddies extravaganza.

Next day a spokeswoman for Best Buddies charity claimed this was all a misunderstanding—and Tom had nothing to do with tossing out the journalist in question from the event.

All well and good, except Kevin Youkilis, a former Red Sox star, never all-star superstar, now retired, piped in that these things happen when the fake media gets uppity.

Youkilis has a new fame since leaving baseball. He is Tom Brady’s brother-in-law.  And you thought only Trump had in-law problems,

We are not exactly quaking in our journalistic boots, not Uggs, that we will be given the heave-ho by Tom’s goons at the up-coming Tony Robbins take-the-money-and-run event with Tom as special guest star.

We always wear a sack with an eye-hole over our head. They’ll never identify us.

TB12’s A-M DB 11

DATELINE: Tom Brady to Carpool to Work?

TB12's A-M DB 11

Just when you thought it was safe to drive to work during the early morning commute, you learn that Tom Brady is having a custom-made Aston-Martin fitted to his own design specifications.

This sort of transportation transcends the Mini-Cooper and even our own BMW.  Aston Martin will pay Brady some unspecified amount to endorse their low-budget $212,000 cars (options extra).

This certainly makes Peyton Manning’s pizza deal of a lifetime of pepperoni look like anchovies under glass.

In a world of have nots and Trump-level billionaires, Tom Brady is casting his lot with the X-press Way of La Dolce Vita. He will not be allowed to commute to Foxboro from Brookline in the express lane unless he carpools with Julie E.

We don’t see that happening. Julian Edelman lives in Foxboro, not toney Brookline.

A friend of ours met Tom some years ago when he was not far removed from being a sixth round draft pick.

He and my friend met at one of those Cape Cod charity events when Tom watched as our friend had his red MB SLK 320 roof slide into the back seat.

Tom was agog, and said: “I need to get one of those.”

How times have changed.

He can now afford three of those Mercedes to one Aston Martin DB 11.  When Tom pushes a button on his new A-M, the entire car folds into the back seat.

And we were going to tell him to buy Aaron Hernandez’s used assassin 4-Runner Deathmobile SUV for sentimental reasons. He’s outdone us again.

 

 

 

 

Tom Brady & Trump Face Inflategate

DATELINE:  More Fake News or Inflate-gate 

 Trumped

Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, has just hammered the quarterback with the Madden curse. If you don’t have enemies, your wife may be just as good as a substitute.

Maybe bachelorette Julian Edelman knows something he should have explained to Tom.

With supermodel Giselle’s announcement of Tom’s unreported and secret concussions over the years, she has made more trouble for him than actual concussions.

There’s nothing worse than a latent headache. You can bet the NFL will now subpoena Brady and hire a special researcher.

Before the new 2017 season begins, Tom will be under investigation for covering up medical injuries. Will we learn that he has a private Russian doctor recommended by President Trump? Has the FBI enough agents to send a few to locate Tom Brady’s secret medical file?

Since Roger Goodell has seen the light of brain disease associated with football, he now has more reason than ever to stop Tom Brady’s career dead in its tracks. There’s nothing more exciting for Goodell than to beat a dead horse. His favorite derby nag is Tom Brady.

We are now convinced that Tom Brady’s showboating by smashing a mirror and walking under a ladder were signs of concussive behavior. He had brain lock.

If this is not the same as a Madden Curse, this scandal will do until a good one comes along.

Tom and his representatives are not issuing a statement. The Patriots are not issuing a statement. Bill Belichick is not issuing a statement.

Tom’s only comments today: he wished LeBron James and Isaiah Thomas good luck in their playoff extravaganza. It was Big Papi sitting courtside, not Tom Brady. Tom will have another day in court.

Tom will have to hide from the press about as much as former FBI Director James Comey. Questions abound and rebound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concussion-gate Rivals Trump-gate

DATELINE: Move Over, Watergate and Deflategate

 duke & duchess of Foxboro

Not tonight, dear. He has a headache.

Like his friend Donald Trump, Tom Brady has a big headache.

No, it isn’t James Comey. It’s Tom’s wife, Giselle Bundchen. The superstar model gave an interview in which she announced Tom had a concussion this past season on the road to the Super Bowl.

In fact, she said he had many concussions over the years. Uh-oh.

This was news to the NFL and Roger Goodell as well as the Players Union. There are rules about medical reports and who can play if he is concussed.

Goodell never ducks an issue like concussions, and now Giselle has given him another shot at Tom’s head.

You know there is trouble when the doctor who was played by Will Smith and blew the whistle on concussions in the NFL has called Giselle heroic.

Tom may have another word for her.  We may now see who wears the pants on the runway at Tom’s house.

Trump could fire Comey, but Tom may be up the creek with Giselle and her half-billion-dollar bank account. The Patriots are staying mum on Tom’s children’s mum, but we know that Jose Baez will be the first to offer his services if Concussion-gate gets messy.

We think Julian Edelman may have to recuse himself, and we aren’t sure if Bill Belichick will be subpoenaed to appear before Congress.

The Patriots may need to ask for a second opinion before the man with the Fountain of Youth admits he has feet of clay.

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worrying for Tom Brady’s Safety

DATELINE:  Through the Looking Glass

 smashing mirror

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, who is fairer than Tom Brady?

There’s always a young QB on the rise, living in the woods next to a huntsman waiting for a Heisman.

When the Patriot icon takes a hammer to smash his own image to bits in a looking glass on Facebook, we feel like Tiny Alice, ready to start chasing white rabbits.

Tom has turned into the Mad Hatter.  Has he been inhaling mercury as part of his health regimen?

You don’t fool around with mirrors when you’ve had Botox treatments. You don’t smash your own image when you’ve spent plenty to achieve that boyish forever look that cost Somerset Maugham a whole lotta goat hormone treatments.

Tom Brady wants to show he can fly in the fickle face of fate. Madden Hatter 18, be damned.

Tom is a man of science—and he has put all his eggs into the basket of cosmetology, or is that cosmology?

We keep forgetting whenever we see a pretty face.

We cannot imagine Gronk or Julie E smashing a mirror. They know the price of good looks is too high to throw away. Tom has millions to burn, or his wife does.

We desperately hope Tom will not swap his ruby red slippers for a pair of Uggs.  The Wicked Witch of the West, aka Roger Goodell, may be waiting along the Yellow Brick Road.

We hope Tom will drop that Brookline mansion on Goodell’s head. It may be his only salvation after the broken mirror crisis.

 

 

 

 

Whatever Happened to Tom Brady?

DATELINE:  Transforming the Legend

together truman & tom 

YIKES!

A number of observers of Boston sports have contacted us to ask this disturbing question. Has Tom Brady turned into Truman Capote?

Whatever can they mean? Well, a few wags and others are suggesting that Tom Brady is undergoing a social morphing that is most peculiar.

We have been told that Tom is turning into Truman like Dr. Jekyll becoming Mr. Hyde.

We don’t mean “Give’em Hell, Harry,” Truman, but we are thinking along the terms of Breakfast at Tiffany’s Truman.

Tom may be dining with the swells of fashion and hoi polloi beyond the Neanderthal world of Gronk.

How is it possible that Tom Brady, tall and svelte, could be changing into Truman Capote, short and dumpy?

A few wags blame the transformation on his wife, Giselle.

You can say we are guilty of murder in cold blood when we put Tom and Truman together side-by-side.

From natty poses to languorous layouts, the twins of metrosexuality tends to stun us.

lounge lizards

Early on, Tom mimicked one of Truman’s old book covers: the controversial, come-hither coach-potato look.

What’s even more appalling is how much Giselle and Tom pose together like any anonymous woman and Truman.

couples

You may rest assured: we are on this case like a sleuth hound dog and will send you regular updates as warranted.