Belichick’s Holiday TV Special Again This Year!

DATELINE:  God Bless Those Steelers Too

merry

Back like the Macy Parade or Peewee Herman for another holiday special, Bill Belichick will host the grandest Xmas party on the streaming web, as in previous jolly seasons.

Unfortunately, only those with access to the DarkNet will be able to download this journey to the dark-side of Christmas in Pittsburgh.

Past holiday specials have been about as much fun as watching Marley’s Ghost drag his chains.

However, Belichick’s Army of Zombie Fans cannot get enough of the best coach in the history of football singing his favorite Xmas carols, including “God Rest Ye Merry Steelers,”  and “Juggled Balls” with Gronk and Cooks.

This year will be even more special than his many past holiday treats.

Tom Brady will be on board for a stocking-stuffer not to be missed. He is expected to reveal that, as he grows younger every day, he has a portrait of Belichick in his attic that grows more sour-looking and ugly with age. You will enjoy it when he presents Belichick with a gift of a “Sock Slider,” for oldsters who need help putting on their shoes.

And you thought that was happening every game on the sidelines!

Another highlight of this year’s holiday show will be when Gronk puts Coach Belichick on his back and they run around the endzone, doing a turkey trot to celebrate the winning touchdown.

It has been a long hard audition this season to find whether the elves, Amendola and Edelman, will double as Tiny Tim. Giving them a hard run for the job is Matthew Slater who has been practicing his “God bless us everyone” ad nauseum.

Another annual moment of levity shall be when owner Mr. Robert Kraft opens his gifts to discover a lifetime supply of dress shirts with different color collars to go with his only white blouse. Some think Roger Goodell will re-gift Kraft with a draft pick.

Guest appearances by Roger Goodell and Jerry Jones are expected as players will try to dunk them into a big watertank by tossing footballs at them from a kneeling position.

President Trump will lie about producing the show and tweet that he was going to be extra special guest of the year, but turned them down. He will then fire Tom Brady.

Marshawn Lynch is expected to spoil the big holiday eggnog when he does a Mexican hat-dance with Belichick, and it brings a thunderstorm over Mexico City.

NFL Network, Roku, Apple TV, and Brit Box are clamoring for exclusive rights to show this annual extravaganza of joy and end-zone celebrations.

Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime, annual tradition (again).

 

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Is This the End of Tom Brady?

DATELINE: One Bad Game Spoils the Barrel of Apples

botox forever

 We don’t want to be the last ones on the bandwagon. So, here goes….

On Monday night against in Miami Dolphins, the fans of Tom Brady had their first ugly glimpse into the future. The crystal ball may be more cracked than a mirror in Brady’s den.

The TB12 Method has failed us!

If you wondered what an aging Tom Brady looks like in terms of football success, you saw it first hand in the catastrophic loss to the Dolphins on Monday night. It looked a bit like Death on Miami Beach. He could not convert a third down and his passes never reached their mark.

Back in the day when Brett Favre started to go sour, we believe something similar happened.

Is anyone thinking that Brady can age overnight like a ripe melon? At what point does the milk in your refrigerator actually begin to curdle?

Have we reached the curdling point of Brady?

In case you’re wondering about what happens when the Belichick Empire falls, Jimmy G is on the other side of the country on the West Coast, winning games there for the foreseeable future. The man sitting next to Brady is aging Brian Hoyer who couldn’t cut it as a starter on other teams. And, the future is Tom, whether he has lost the directions to the Fountain of Youth, or not.

If age has suddenly caught up with Brady and his magic elixir has run out, the season will be going downhill rapidly. We should remember that even the unsinkable Titanic went down in two hours.

 

 

Heads Up, Tails Down: Pats & Celts

DATELINE:  Twilight Zone Meets Jaws

With an ice storm on the horizon in Boston, the two championship franchises, the Celtics and the Patriots, were also out of town and out of luck. Every great team has its up and downs.

After our ill-timed braggadocio, life gave us a cold slap in the face with ice pellets. Alas, it was too cold to make lemonade out of the fiasco that befell the Patriots and Celtics on Monday night.

We could not imagine these were the same teams that had been so impressive game after game. What on earth happened to the bright lights?

Miami and Chicago laid the expected victors a harsh dose of reality. No one is perfect, not even Bill Belichick or Brad Stevens.

If ever there was a night for Tom Brady to yell at Josh McDaniels this was it. If ever there was a night for Jaylen Brown to keep wearing his goggles, this was it.

Alas, Brown discarded his glasses and Tom Brady made nice with Josh.

When Jayson Tatum is unable to hit three-pointers and Tom Brady throws an interception and only has a handful of passing yards in the first half, you have crossed through the looking glass. In this case, it’s the mirror Tom Brady broke.

The Chicago Bulls are the worst team in the NBA, and the Miami Dolphins are the toughest opponents the Pats ever face in Miami. Brady has his worst record in 18 years against the Dolphins.

We have to admit the Patriots were without Gronk, who was suspended, and the Celts were without Kyrie Irving who needed some rest.

No matter where Boston fans turned, they were on the edge of the Outer Limits.

Both teams, known for their defensive finesse, showed it wasn’t their night. It was reminiscent of On the Waterfront, when Brando’s boxer complained his brother told him to lose, “It wasn’t my night!”

At half-time we were ready to become fair weather fans for our two teams.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Night Football, Basketball, and Ancient Aliens

Monday Night Football, Basketball, and Ancient Aliens

 DATELINE: Boston’s Conundrum

Green Hornet & Lantern Greens: Hornet & Lantern

For the better part of a decade, there has been no such creature as a head-to-head match-up of the Boston Celtics and the New England Patriots.

It was no contest.  We could plead nolo contendre with gay abandon.

If the two franchises were playing in the same small timeframe, without question, the attention went directly to Belichick, Brady, and their imitation of 1950s-60s Celtics as a football franchise.

Perhaps in some future date the Patriots will have 17 championships and Bill Belichick and Red Auerbach will march, arm in arm, into New England mythology. You will see Tom Brady and Bill Russell matching ring for ring on their fingers.

However, this week in Boston, the conundrum rises anew: the Pats are playing on Monday night, and so are the newly rejuvenated Celtics. Normally, Patriots are sitting court-side at the Celtics game—but both teams are on the road and playing simultaneously.

Nineteen-year old shooter Jayson Tatum is leading the league in three-point shooting. We haven’t seen a 19-year old with this kind of dead eye since Billy the Kid shot up the New Mexico league in 1880.

Brady is twice as old as Tatum, but together they could be an epoch of victors lasting half a century. If Jayson Tatum plays until the mid-2040s, he may be retiring at the same age as Tom.

We are not sure whether we will be around for the accolades and retirement ceremony, but it is possible.

Hardly a man is now alive who saw Babe Ruth pitch for the Red Sox, but we are the recipient of modern medical miracles already.

So, whom will you watch on Monday night?

Fortunately, the new age of technology allows us to put the Patriots on our tablet and the Celtics on our smartphone—and leave our other attention to a new movie on UFOs on cable.

Life is grand nowadays. We are riding in the chariots of the gods.

 

 

 

 

Testy Fraternity of Brady & McDaniels

DATELINE: Patriot Arguments

I got you, babe 2 Bloody Brothers

Nearly one week after Tom Brady shouted at his boss, the Offensive Coordinator, Josh McDaniels, he has offered a full apology to the press, professing his undying love for Josh.

Of course, it took a week because Tom stayed away from practice for a couple of days.

Both men have worked together for two stints, amounting to a decade of years. Josh is a year older, as befitting a coach, or Irish twins.

Arguments like this happen in the best of families between brothers under the skin. Oddball Beckham, Jr., has been saying the media treats Tom differently when it comes to fraternal spats. Well, yes, Oddball, because Tom has won 5 Super Bowls.

As for the fraternal strife between Josh and Tommy, we can only point out there was a far worse argument between brothers Fredo and Michael Corleone in The Godfather sequel, and as we recall, that one ended badly.

We can also point out one of the earliest history lessons we learned as a youth centered on the situation in which Cain slew Abel for telling him he missed an open man.  Yes, there are some things you never say to your younger brother.

We have even seen the Hardy Boys, in the persons of Tim Considine and Tommy Kirk, have a tussle when the elder boy called the younger “stupid.”

We never actually saw Josh argue with Tom. He merely pointed out a flaw in the feet of clay of Brady.

You never say that to a man of such feats.

The two men did not quickly recover their senses, as has been reported, but sat apart on the bench between skirmishes on the field, offering a cold shoulder to the other, for about ten minutes.

Steam does finally evaporate, despite what happened to Cain and Abel, which we are told left a permanent mark. If this happened with Trump, he would have fired the offensive coordinator.

Patriot Volcanoes Erupt in Buffalo

DATELINE: Tom & Gronk Blow Up

 Everyone expected the Pats to blow away the new Buffalo Bills. Never did we expect to see Tom Brady and Gronk give twin eruptions. It was as if Twin Peaks suddenly had two live volcanoes.

First, step by step, Niagara Falls may be Gronk’s hometown where hundreds of fans are there just to see him, but a funny thing happened during the game. Gronk fell off the high wall and may well be suspended for a game.

All that practice with the WWE has paid off: unsportsmanlike conduct welled to the surface after Gronk was slandered, hazed, libeled, and picked on, by the various Buffalo defenders. In a fit of pique, Gronk blew his top like Mt. St. Helens.

It was a landslide to see, but likely will cost the parsimonious Gronk a few bucks—and give him a week to rest up before he faces the dreaded Pittsburgh Steelers in a marquee bout.

As for Tom Brady, he blew up on the sidelines at his closest non-playing pal on the team: his offensive coach Josh McDaniels. Apparently, Josh made an off-hand comment that was indeed offensive to Brady.

The slow burn turned into a curse-laden tirade. Babe and Tommy sat slightly apart from the rest of the quarter and ignored each other. Usually you could not fit a piece of paper between them as the pored over the iPad replays tete-a-tete.

Second half someone must have sent roses because Tom was a new man—and the offense had new life. Though Brady had no touchdowns for the rest of the game, he was talking to Josh again.

Thank heavens. We deplore domestic violence and don’t want to see trouble in paradise.

Damn Patriots, Reversal on Damn Yankees!

DATELINE:  Calling Mr. Applegate for Mercy

memories

Lola never wanted this.

If you are one of those who believe the Patriots now have a clear shot directly to the Super Bowl, having a schedule of pabulum ahead, you may have missed some key curses.

Tom Brady’s smashed mirror struck again after the most recent victory.

This time, rugby star Nate Ebner gave it his all on a trick play, perhaps the best of his career, and went immediately to the Injured Reserve list. He did not even pass Go to collect his accolades.

Second, the man who jumped out of Frostbite Falls with a scheduled surgery to play two games for the Patriots, Martellus Bennett seems to have not escaped the fickle finger of fate after all. He too is now headed for surgery on the IR.

What do we have here? More next man up and down?

We are holding our breath and crossing our fingers. This seems like the work of Tom Brady’s blatant disregard for superstition during the off-season. We have seen a steady diet of stars gone for the year: Edelman, Hightower, and now Ebner and Bennett.

We trust that Tom Brady’s handlers are keeping him away from ladders and mirrors.

We applied the title of Agatha Christie’s amusing mystery tale to the Boston Celtics a few weeks ago, calling them the latest incarnation of And Then There Were None, as each star on their little band of teammates bit the dust.

Now, with more players, and more injuries, the Patriots have turned into Ten Little Indians—diminishing returns. It’s enough to make you feel that some sinister force, like Roger Goodell, has caused demonic incantations to run amok.

We were reserving our voodoo curses for Trump after sending Haitians back to their cursed isle, but perhaps someone with higher powers has it in for the Pats.

We recall the old tale, Damn Yankees, as an explanation for the baseball dynasty. Shall we start singing “Whatever Lola Wants” to explain this turn of events?

And then there were no Patriots left to play in a Super Bowl. Have mercy, Mr. Applegate.

Thanks, Tom, for the broken mirror.

Tom the Biscuit Eater, Thanks to Grandmama

DATELINE:  Doughboy

Brady the Biscuit Eater

Count’em

GOAT QB Tom Brady has a revolt on his flour-encrusted throwing hand.

Having bragged about his grandmother’s secret recipe for biscuits on the Internet, he has unleashed a problem as big as Russian election interference for Trump.

Tom posted a photo of him making dozens of these tasty morsels. Apparently, he promised Gronk that he would bring some into the office next day. However, Tom reportedly told Gronk they were so good that they were all eaten.

This did not sit well with the giant tight end who demanded that Tom make another batch and bring them in to his favored receiver.

If not, Gronk promised “serious trouble.”

This international incident may require the intercession of Giselle or some other neutral party.

Tom can’t catch a break, nor a biscuit.

We know that close associates of Brady over the years, like Troy Brown, and lately Julian Edelman, have also been denied the treat of catching a biscuit from Tom’s larder.

Gronk has come a long way from the tongue-tied rookie who was dumbfounded when Tom would speak to him. He is now demanding his share of the Brady secret recipe—and he is not willing to settle for avocado ice cream or any other item from the TB12 cookbook.

Baseball may have the hot-stove dealings of winter, but for the man who always comes to the Brady household dressed as Santa Claus, the price may be more than one biscuit.

Tom may have to trade off with Gronk, giving him three TDs instead of slaving over a hot stove this weekend making a fresh batch of doughboy biscuits.

Patriots Romp: ‘Yo Soy Fiesta en Mexico’

DATELINE:   Pats Play Bums of the Week

tom-brady-as-gunslinger

Other than Gronk claiming he was about to have a fiesta, when in fact he actually seemed to enjoy a siesta, Gronk didn’t do much up in that rarified air. Many players were cramping and gasping for oxygen, likely having a locker room IV and banana.

The big news of the game was that history repeated itself. Way back in 1960, Ted Williams was pulled out of left field in the ninth inning and replaced by Carroll Hardy, a rather ignored utility player.

In Mexico City, Tom Brady was replaced with two minutes left in the game by Brian Hoyer, his long-time second banana. Belichick came to the conclusion that the thin air was not helpful to his most senior citizen on the team.

Hoyer has taken the chosen seat on Brady’s right hand on the bench during the game. Vacant since the loss of Julian Edelman, it seemed a natural for place for Hoyer. Not only that, no one ever deigns to talk to Brady during the game—excepting his personal coach Josh McDaniels.

There, for all to see, Brady was chatting with Hoyer during the game! It was definitely record-setting.

It was the most notable moment of a lackluster game. The Pats played, if memory serves, something akin to the Las Vegas Raiders with blue-eyed Derek Carr.

Other than that, the game was notable for a 62-yard field goal in the vacuum of mountain atmosphere, sort of like punting on the Moon.

The other notable gaffe was that NBC had the temerity to pull the game off the air in Boston. This resulted in a nasty reaction that caused NBC, gutless at best, to hastily return the rout telecast back on the tube for Patriot fans.

 

Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

Casting Celtics around Batman Kyrie Irving

DATELINE:  Colorblind Mask

 Masked Kyrie Kyrie, Eleison

Kyrie Irving, now playing the Masked Marvel, led the Celtics to their 13th victory in a row. It qualified them to meet the reigning dynasty next in the matchup of the year.

Yes, Golden Boys from California are next on the list to become the Golden Fleece to the Celtics.

Irving won national attention for wearing a mask to his game in New York, not a late Halloween gag, but a medical necessity after a small bone in his face was cracked by a teammate’s elbow. He told Aaron Baynes not to send a fruit basket.

Everyone awaited to see the black mask he wore several years back with Cleveland—but Irving wasn’t in the mood to play the Lone Ranger. Black was out, which seemed ironic, but he explained that the black mask limited his peripheral vision.

Even teammates had to relent: they want a victory and a happy camper in Kyrie, even if he failed the Bruce Wayne as Batman contest.

Fake news expert commentator Brian Scalabrine, redundant in his new fake hair from Dr. Leonard, made the off-hand comment that the NBA had stopped Kyrie from becoming the man in the black iron mask. But, that was untrue. Nor did he wear a high yellow mask for racist Boston fans.

Instead, Irving wore clear plastic with thick black bands. It was not a look or feel he enjoyed, constantly adjusting it and removing it. He even left it on the table before Scalabrine during the game.

Like it or not, Kyrie is the Boston Batman. His Robin is clearly Jayson Tatum, and his Alfred the Butler is the tall drink of water known as Al Horford. Commissioner Gordon Hayward is out with a broken ankle, and Jalen Brown may take on the role as the team joker.

Whatever the facial remedy, short of Tom Brady’s Botox mask, the Celtics went on to victory: setting up the hoop dream as their best team in a decade goes after Steph Curry and Kevin ‘I Don’t Look Good in Green’ Durant.

Mile High Has Enough Air for Patriots

 

DATELINE:  Like Peaches & Herb, Brady & Bennett Sing

Peaches & Herb

What used to give the Patriots the bends is now like air from a deflated football.

Denver used to send chills down the spine of their quarterback; now Tom Brady seems as home in the stadium as Peyton Manning where noise in the clouds hinders most.

With a convincing victory, it’s on to Mexico City where the air is half a mile thinner at 7000 feet. Thank you, Roger Goodell, for such a schedule. You deserve $50million per year and a private jet for life.

Now see if Jerry Jones has any intention of giving you anything more than the air out of a Tom Brady football.

The Pats seemed like their old selves in both defense and offense.

In terms of offense, despite the curse of the broken mirror, the more things change, the more it seems like last season. Why, bless our pointed heads, fans, but there on the field was Martellus Bennett, the original black unicorn.

Though facing surgery in Frost Bite Falls with the Packers and embroiled in legal issues, he was able to catch several Brady passes for great yardage, giving Gronk all he wanted for Christmas.

Von Miller, vaunted Denver defender, might exchange Instagram challenges with Tom Brady, as they did this week, but when push comes to shove, millennial photos on social media are not enough to sack Brady.

In terms of the dangerous seat next to Brady on the bench, vacant often this season since the disappearance of Julian Edelman, like the kidnapping of a Getty grandson, it found a new occupant.

Fearless of curses, and familiar as an old shoe, Brian Hoyer thought nothing of sitting next to Brady while the Denver offense sputtered on the field with their former great Manning replacement having returned to no avail and little consequence.

When it comes to homecoming reunions, no one does it better than the Patriots and Marty Bennett.

On to the deflated atmosphere of earthquaking Mexico City.

 

 

 

Return of Martellus?

 DATELINE:  Patriot Resurrection Possible

memories

Martellus Bennett, the tight end who danced with the cheerleaders at the Super Bowl last season, and bailed out of the Patriots for Green Bay, is now available.

Is Bill Belichick interested?  It may well be, based on Bill’s past history; he loves to resurrect the dead.

Martellus (Don’t Call Me Marty) Bennett has been a flop out there in Frost Bite Falls, and with no great QB (Aaron Rodgers broke his collarbone) to sustain his antics, he may be ready for Tommy Time.

Poor Martellus has been bereft and without any TDs—or friends.  He played seven lackluster games with the Cheese Packers. With some disagreement about his medical condition, and with a threat he will retire after eight more games, Bennett made himself available to other teams when Green Bay sent him packing.

He needs to reconnect with the Brady bunch to regain his equilibrium.

The sudden move reminds us of the strange situation with the Pittsburgh Steelers a few years back who released a certain player for the Patriots to pick up just in time for a playoff run.

Now, the dire need of another tight end could mean that Belichick is considering more reunions.

He just brought back Lazarus Brian Hoyer from the dead San Fran 49ers.

So, returning a Gronk complement from the Cheesey Green Bay team seems rather likely.

Can Danny Woodhead be far behind? Might Rob Ninkovitch come out of retirement?

Bennett, fan of sci-fi, author of a kid’s book before Julian Edelman, savant of nothing in particular, was a delight in the locker room for his teammates and a media darling.

Will Belichick take another oddball tight end to go with the masterpiece of TEs, Gronk? We hope so.

Who’s Crazier? Trump or Tom Brady?

DATELINE:   Tom & Ivanka Up a Tree

Winning five Super Bowls will convince you that you are able to walk on water. Not only that, Tom Brady thinks he can drink 20 glasses of water every morning to prevent sunburn and damage to his skin.

He is hydrated on life.

He may also finally be the victim of his own delusions.

It sounds like the man who almost became his father-in-law was Donald Trump. Yep, Trump wanted Tom to marry daughter Ivanka a few years back.

Brady’s biggest fumble was the romance with Ivanka, according to Anthony Scaramucci, disgraced former Trump aide.

If he had accepted Trump’s crazy marriage idea, Tom would be in the White House today, facing Congressional threats while his impeachable father-in-law readied to throw him to the wolves.

Tom’s special sleepware, his athletic regimen, and his special diet, would provide little assistance when faced with jail time for colluding with the Russians.

Instead of being kissed on the cheeks by billionaire Robert Kraft, he’d be kicked in the ass cheeks by billionaire Donald Trump.

By avoiding any trips to the White House, according to Anthony Scaramucci, Tom evaded an embarrassing contretemps with Ivanka and her backup QB, Jared Kushner.

You likely would never have heard of Julian Edelman if Tom’s nuptials took place with Ivanka. Julian who thinks watching Tom pass to other receivers is like seeing your girlfriend kiss another guy. Julian would be living on a Russian gulag if Tom had married Ivanka.

That would not be the life of a New England Patriot legend. He’d be in the cross-hairs of Robert Mueller, not Roger Goodell.

Instead of enjoying a bye-week on the secluded beaches of Costa Rica with Giselle Bundchen, he’d be in the DMZ of Korea with Trump who was defying North Korea to fire a missile at him.

On the turn of a marriage idea, Tom Brady proved he is not quite as crazy as Trump.

 

 

 

 

 

Trick or Treat, Belichick Style

 DATELINE:  Yes, We Have No Bananas

Did Bill Belichick just put a razor blade in Patriot fans’ apple?  Or like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, did he simply offer the Apple to the Sodom and Gomorrah team of America?

Shock waves continue to reverberate around New England as the man in the Grim Reaper costume goes door to door, locker to locker, looking for another trick to pull.

Tom Brady, youthful optimist, wished another of his long-term second-bananas the best of luck. Poor Jimmy G will need it with the band of merry losers out by the Golden Gate.

The revolving door of quarterbacks likely means that Belichick has another sleight of hand at the ready before the end of trade deadline. We are not privy to the inner machinations of the Machiavelli of football.

We would suggest that Drew Bledsoe will not come out of retirement for the Patriots. Their last-ditch quarterback replacement always was Julian Edelman who is now wearing his costume for the big Day of the Dead festival in Foxboro.

We already let the black cat out of the bag before tossing him into the Charles River by mentioning the name of Brian Hoyer, long-time Shemp to the stooges who wait in vain for Brady to grow old.

Brady is smiling like Alfred E. Neumann because he knows that he will never age and will never lose a step.

Does Robert Kraft have Colin Kaepernick’s smartphone number on speed dial? We await the special prosecutor investigation of the Jimmy G deal.