Obama & Brady: Round Two

 DATELINE:  White House Photo Op

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Pardon the President for turning his head and coughing up a Super Bowl prediction.

It’s the closest President Barack Obama has come to endorsing Donald Trump as the next president.

Mr. Obama gave an interview this week in which he predicted that Tom Brady and the Patriots would win the Super Bowl in, what he considers, a somewhat deteriorating quality NFL. He thinks with all the weak teams, it looks like a Republican primary.

The President believes it will be a return to the glorious past: Seattle versus New England. We are still uncertain if this makes American great again.

Mr. Brady skipped out on the last Patriot team meeting with the President at the White House for family business. Some thought the business likely was related to the Trump family. Years before he married Giselle, Trump tried to interest Tom in his daughter Ivanka.

Tom found a woman prepared to live La Dolce Vita with the football hero in eight-and-a-half Fellini ways. Enough on that score.

Now, Obama is well aware that the next winner of the Super Bowl will go to the White House to meet a different president. In all likelihood, Tom will be in attendance for this one—if Trump wins.

We might suggest that, if Tom doesn’t win the next Super Bowl, that the NFL is rigged. We are certain Trump would concur.

Of course, all’s well that ends well—in Mr. Trump’s words—“if I win.”

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TB Times: Brady’s Sporty Therapy

DATELINE: Humorist

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How can a humorist with the flu compete week after week with the TB Times?

The foremost humor Internet sensation’s managing editor also happens to manage the scoring for the New England Patriots. Tom Brady has always considered himself the master of the one-liner. He deprecating humor rivals Groucho and parodies Rodney Dangerfield.

Brady routinely ropes in 102,000 likes per week.

Now, he is undercutting our sports therapy humor by sending powder puff compliments to T-Rex Ryan. And, Ryan has returned the compliments. We are buried in cream puffs.

Clearly, Rex does not want to poke a stick at the caged Patriot who might bite off any Buffaloes within smell distance.

Once the game starts, we know that Brady will make an audible “Rex Ryan” to convulse the Bills with laughter. Right now the two giants of ego are playing nice-nice. We expect the game to resemble a Trump-Clinton debate.

We aren’t sure who will be the nasty person, and which one will be the bad hombre when the fans line up to go trick or treating.

We figure by fourth quarter Rex and his twin will begin to look the candidates for the Deplorables Award.

We will attempt to be humorous again as soon as our dry heaves end.

Birth of a New Big Three for the Celtics?

DATELINE: Hoping for a Triumverate

 Boston sports

In the beginning there was Bird, McHale, and Parrish. Thence came Garnett, Allen, and Pierce. Now the Moving Finger seemed about to write a new chapter of Big Guns.

Though the Celtics were starting free agency looking like a candidate for the TV show The Biggest Loser, the roll of the dice out of Beacon Hill seemed to harbor a Boston change.

Late Saturday afternoon in the Hamptons, the Fourth of July fireworks grew into a frenzy.

The Boston Celtics sent a contingent to meet with Kevin Durant. This seemed to rival the Paris Peace Talks of 1973.

Delegations to convince superstars to join the ranks of a new team have become de rigueur practice in sports negotiations. Already, the Celtics reportedly signed Kevin Durant’s close friend, Al Horford, to a maximum contract—and that was considered a trump card for the Celtics strategy.

Of course, chief bottle washer Danny Ainge once put together the Big Three with Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen. Now he was orchestrating another Big Gang.

Showing up in the Hamptons with Kelly Olynyk, Marcus Smart, and Isaiah Thomas, was the other secret weapon player: Tom Brady of the Patriots.

We’d seen him courtside at the Boston Garden, and now Tom Brady was courtside at a conversion party.

Not to be left out, Red Sox superstar David Ortiz sent Durant a tweet apologizing for not being at the meeting, but he had a game that afternoon.

Kevin Durant is cogitating at last report about joining the Celtics.

Curse of the Bambino Haunts the Celtics

DATELINE:  A-Rod Spoils the Night

 Jacoby Returns

The curse of the Bambino hit the Celtics and eliminated them in the playoffs this season.

Yes, you had only to look at the New York Yankees who came to the playoff game to realize the Celts were dead meat. If the Yanks can do in the Red Sox annually, the Celtics end up as an appetizer.

Who let them in?

So, with the Yankees coming to Fenway Park on Friday for the first series of the season against the Red Sox, you had several Yankees coming to the last game of the season for the Celtics.

You be the judge.

There in the front row, inexplicably a fan of someone somewhere, was A-Rod. Yes, the loathed Alex Rodriguez of the Yanks was at a Celtics game, smiling and spreading his own brand of joie de vivre for Atlanta fans.

To see A-Rod in fine fettle across the court from Bill Russell, you wondered what voodoo would outdo the doo-doo.

Yet, it was worse. The Prodigal Son of the Red Sox showed up in a luxury box, high above the rafters. Yes, there he was in all his splendor, Jacoby Ellsbury, former Red Sox star of the future, and now Yankee bench-rider of the present. He too was a happy camper, waving at the crowd from his perch where the Atlanta Hawks might have an aerie.

The Celtics were doomed from the opening tip-off. The Bambino sent his minions to another sport in Boston—and sent the Celtics off to the golf courses of America for another summer.

 

In Defense of the Indefensible Curt Schilling

DATELINE:  Under the Tidal Wave

Bloody sock be damned. Curt Schilling has been sacked by the sanctimonious forces over at the ever-hateful ESPN.  You know them: the people who lied about Tom Brady repeatedly and will do anything to undermine the Patriots.

For several years Curt Schilling, a bust as a businessman, went media happy with the wrong people. Media moguls are politically correct, with waxy eardrums listening to the latest polling results. ESPN people have no backbone, and usually are found on the lower rungs of Hades if Dante is to be believed. They live with the jellyfish.

Today ESPN fired Schilling for having views not compatible with sponsors and others who succumb to pressure from consumers who hate sports. So much for a sports cable network eating its own.

Schilling  doesn’t want transgender people walking into any bathroom. For this he has lost his livelihood. It is likely that he will now be blackballed among the media libertards around the nation.

There may be a job for him in some backwoods backwater, evangelical black hole, but he should not expect his insights, expertise, or person, to be respected ever again.

Once your reputation is sullied, you cannot go home again. There is nothing more sanctimonious than colleagues who are intolerant of views they deem outre. Iconoclasm in the defense of liberty is a vice according to sports experts at ESPN.

Sometimes the greatest hate comes from those who hate anyone different from their majority. It’s bullying the bullies, but it remains bullying from the pulpit of correctness.

We have not always agreed with Schilling, but we know the feeling of being on the fringe of opinion in a world that put outliers into the same category as regular liars, intolerant ignoramuses, and gibbering idiots.

We never thought of ourselves as perfect, and neither is Curt Schilling, but there must be a Brave New World island where exile is preferable to being subjugated by the insufferable new Puritans who disdain anyone whom they consider practitioners of “unacceptable behavior” (and that covers any ground west of the Salem Witch trials, or east of the Blacklisted Hollywood writers).

Celtics Look Done for Another Year

DATELINE: When Likeable Isn’t Enough

Like the cicada, we come out of hiding every decade or so to re-dedicate ourselves to the Boston Celtics.

We thought this should be the year. The Celtics have a born-again Red Auerbach coach in Brad Stevens. We have become totally devoted to this remarkable superstar coach, and he has brought the team to the playoffs.

But this is not the year for the Celtics. Glaring holes in the roster emerged when Avery Bradley and Kelly Olynyk fell to the injury curse. Stevens played ten all season—and now, like an Agatha Christie mystery, the team has only eight.

Oh, we have been delighted with the Rondo replacement: the IT boy. Yes, there once was an IT girl, Theda Bara. She had it. Well, Isaiah Thomas has “it” too. We didn’t think there was a cure for the fatal flaw of Rajon, but “IT” is it.

We still have Jelly O’Sully on the roster, that remarkable combo of Sullinger and Olynyk, though some say its day is now over. The summer season will see one, if not both, gone with haste while Danny Ainge finds superstars to replace them.

We like the rookie who never played much this season: he reminds us of Kevin McHale in his posture and body language.

We have come to appreciate Evan Don’t Call Him Turnover Turner, and we have come to watch Marcus smarten up. His gold Mohawk has grown on us too–even if Fort Knox loses its golden locks.

Yet, the team is not ready for the Final series. It’s a shame because we truly liked this bunch. What returns next season won’t be the same.

Gronk To Host TV Series

DATELINE: Believe It or Not


 

Gronk is going small.

Instead of signing a contract to play the next James Bond (not as far-fetched as it seems), Gronk has decided to tackle the small screen as a series host on cable television.

Celebrities as hosts of paranormal shows is standard, but Gronk intends to be the star of Crashletes, a show that cheaply will take YouTube moments of young athletes in bone-crushing moments of hilarity. It’s right up his alley.

The show will demand that Gronk use all his wit and wisdom to comment on the clips that will be shown on the Nickolodeon network, indicating that Gronk’s audience will be voters in about ten years. And Gronk does not need to wear zebra stripe pants to find attention.

This should mean when Gronk is ready to go big screen, his young followers will have the means and motives to follow him. We would not be surprised to see Gronk run for president in 2028. If Trump can do it, so can Gronk.

Gronk has clearly found his métier in the show business realm. He has done various talk shows as a personality, and his TV commercials are always entertaining. He calls himself one-take Gronkowski because he hits his marks and never flubs (who could tell the difference?) when he performs.

We have always contended that Gronk’s movie career as a kind of Terminator is down the road after he plays out being a tight end for New England. Already he has expanded his fan base far beyond New England, football, and youngsters.

The only impediment would be a stint in AA, but come to think of it—that has never been an impediment in show business.

Dwight Howard Never Wears Green

DATELINE: Rocky Rocketman

 

You know Superman has been beaten by Batman when Dwight Howard is being mentioned as a trade possibility to Boston. Danny Ainge is no Ben Affleck when it comes to movie heroes in Celtic uniforms.

As with rumors of Blake Griffin, the chance of such a Celtics trade comes about three years too late. Rajon Rondo would have complemented either man to the point of a championship. Now, Father Time has passed by—and the Superman mantle has passed from Dwight to Cam Newton.

Cam won’t be playing basketball in Boston any time soon.

Other than trading too many prospects, damaging team chemistry, and creating turmoil, the idea that the Boston Celtics feel like regressing becomes supercilious.

Just what workmen are given up for the novelty of having a washed up Superman? Houston may well demand the impossible: Marcus Smart and Isaiah Thomas are not worth Howard, even if they stand on each other’s shoulders to reach his height.

To top off the absurdity of comic book victories at the Boston TD Garden, you have to realize the Justice League is a team, not a solo performer.

Only Frederich Nietzche still believes in supermen.

Sorry, phone booths are yesterday’s mode of communication, Superman. To fit into the new teamwork and communal style of play, the Celtics might want Atom Ant over Superman.

Danny Ainge needs a superstar as his go-to man. But, Kevin Garnett is not walking through that door, fans. In fact, we think Dwight Howard might bounce off the door instead of coming through.

 

Wildcard Weekend at Downton Abbey

DATELINE:  Predicted Ends

Yes, the NFL is finally ready to play a few games called Wildcard Weekend. In a case of sudden irony, all the visiting teams are expected to win.

Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Seattle, and Green Bay, are considered the better teams while Houston, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Washington are considered bed wetter teams.

If we had our druthers, it would be to pick the winners and be right for a change of pace and socks.

In the best tradition of a namby-pamby split the difference blogger, we think two of the worse teams will beat two of the better teams.

It’s our fantasy to have Houston’s Texans come to Gillette so we may see Patriots East face Patriots West. In this adage, the old men have all gone west: Vrabel, Wilfork, and O’Brien.

It’s our dread that the child beating runner of Minnesota will overwhelm Pete Carroll’s milk carton team. With the temperatures expected to be around 10 degrees, we expect the Seattle mildew will freeze on the spot, curdling the Seahawks into Snowy Owls.

We are amused by quarterbacks that escaped the nackers factory like Kirk Cousins and A.J.McCarron.  Alas, they may have their overly inflated balls cut off at the knees this week.

Will we risk our monthly royalties at FanDooDoo or DraftyKinks?

We feel we’d have a better chance at winning a billion dollars in Power Ball than picking NFL winners.

We will be watching all four games this weekend because not a single one will interfere with the second episode of Downton Abbey on Sunday night.

We are betting money that the show will not return next season.

Bills Plan on a Victory Lap, if not Parade

DATELINE: More Media, Less Taste

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Rex Ryan Torments the Patriot Cheerleaders

If you are puzzled by the hype for the Monday Night game between the Pats and Bills, so are we.

Every media razzle-dazzler is trying to up the ratings for his own benefit. There is no other explanation for making this game bigger than the first landing of man on the Moon.

This is apparently the Super Bowl for the Buffalo Bills—and they are spouting off that they intend to get to Brady and Gronk. They must be expecting the NFL to give them special rights to have 15 men on the field for every play.

Beyond that, we begin to wonder if we are losing more brain cells to the endlessly overblown ego of media shills. They keep telling us that the Patriots are in trouble until we begin to question it ourselves.

Yeah, the Pats will be without Jamie Collins, Dion Lewis, and Julian Edelman as well as Nate Solder. Is it the end of the world for playoff hopes? For possible victory? For human decency?

We suspect not.

The Patriots have brought in Vereen and Fauria for the game. It sounds like the Ghosts of Xmas Past.

Yes, those names of the past are baaaack like your favorite poltergeist.

Of course, it is Christian Fauria’s nephew and Shane Vareen’s little brother on the new roster.  It does not matter because it means Belichick is going to history to teach T-Rex Ryan that those who do not learn the hard lessons of historical inevitability are about to suffer detention and demerits.

Another Gate to Open: Sesame Belichick

 DATELINE: One Thin Dime

 

 Featured imageThis is Tails.

Just wait one flipping minute.

Have we read the tweet correctly? There are NFL officials who believe the New England Patriots are winning too many coin tosses.

Can it be that Bill Belichick has a coach on his staff whose expertise is voodoo? We wonder too if there is a voodoo doll of Roger Goodell at Patriot Place with pins sticking in its head.

Was P.T. Barnum wrong? Is it possible you can underestimate the intelligence of the American sports fan? We are amazed that coin flipping, a time-tested method of 50-50 probability, has now been questioned by the same people who scored a 2 on their Wonderlic tests.

The Wonderlic test now must require a question of how many sides are there on a coin!  Answers may be one, two, three, four, or all of the above.

If we recall correctly, the referee shows both sides of the coin to the team captains at the game’s onset. We now wonder if team captains can tell the difference between heads and tails. With the fancy new designs on coins, perhaps they don’t know the difference.

It is possible that these team captains have actually never seen a coin because they pay for everything with credit cards—or their smartphones.

Is it any wonder that Bill Belichick prefers not to be known as the Wizard of Gillette Stadium? Please tell us: who is that man standing behind the curtain in the technology booth?

Roger Goodell is collecting all the silver dollars used this season for coin tosses. Smart man.

You can expect a congressional hearing soon on Flipping-gate.

Ortiz 502, Brady 401

DATELINE: Record Winners

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We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics.

On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

Neither man listened to the wizened, but unwise media and radio blabbers. Thank heavens. Brady’s freight train of bombs pushed him past 400 touchdowns this week.

So, today Tom Brady has surpassed a mark that Roger Goodell never expected to occur in the first four games of this season. Brady was supposed to be on the shelf, prevented from having a moment of glory in a sport Goodell himself never could play.

Brady and Ortiz have graced the Boston skyline longer than some of the new scrapers along the Charles.

If you’re around long enough, you will tend to break a few records and a few hearts. If you are a lucky superstar, you keep them in proportion to your fanbase.

Like Tom, Big Papi has also been run down in a scandal of PED use. All those around him lost their heads and hearts to enhanced statistics. Oh, they’ve accused Ortiz of dubious behavior, much like Tom Brady.

However, you cannot deny the overwhelming evidence of decades of high level performance.

Something else is at work. It’s called talent beyond that of mortal men.

So, this week in Boston sports we shout out our Pope Francis ‘hosannah on high’ (usually reserved for messiahs)  to Tom Brady and David Ortiz for giving us hundreds of breathtaking moments in the 21st century.