Twin Peaks, Trump Plains, & Celtics Lows

DATELINE:  LeBron James as Laura Palmer, Trump as D.B. Cooper

glowing orb

Chicken or egg? We can’t figure out if the Trump Administration has prepared us for the new series Twin Peaks, or whether Twin Peaks has prepared us for the continuing weirdness of the Trump presidency.

When we see President Trump putting his hands on a glowing orb, we know there is a conspiracy of billionaires to control the world. Of course, it is merely a futuristic ribbon-cutting scene from the most recent Star Wars movie. Either that, or it is opening a gateway to an alternate universe, like the plots of Twin Peaks.

By the same token, we feel as if watching the Cleveland Cavaliers with the Boston Celtics is like knitting by Madame Defarge while royalty is having their heads chopped off.

On Twin Peaks, agent DB Cooper has returned to the northwest after disappearing for 25 years. That David Lynch has such a sense of humor.  So far, McLachlan has not rubbed any glowing orbs, but has kissed dead Laura Palmer (Cheryl Lee).

On the Celtics, little Cousin IT (Isaiah Thomas) and AB (Avery Bradley) are from the same neck of the woods in Washington state which happens to be the setting for Twin Peaks. It could explain a lot about how the Celtics are playing like Laura Palmer’s body wrapped in plastic.

Even stranger, we were amazed to see Kyle McLachlan and Sheryl Lee looking just like they stepped out of a 1990s TV show.  It becomes even more amazing when David Lynch has to inject a phrase at the end of every episode of the show that the episode is dedicated to the memory of one of the cast members who is now dead. We mean really really dead dead, like the log lady Catherine Coulson and the FBI agent played by Miguel Ferrer.

As for the dead Celtics, they are merely playing in an alternate universe, sort of like Twin Peaks 25 years later. If there is a glowing orb in the NBA, they better start rubbing it now. Lebron is no Laura Palmer.

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TB12’s A-M DB 11

DATELINE: Tom Brady to Carpool to Work?

TB12's A-M DB 11

Just when you thought it was safe to drive to work during the early morning commute, you learn that Tom Brady is having a custom-made Aston-Martin fitted to his own design specifications.

This sort of transportation transcends the Mini-Cooper and even our own BMW.  Aston Martin will pay Brady some unspecified amount to endorse their low-budget $212,000 cars (options extra).

This certainly makes Peyton Manning’s pizza deal of a lifetime of pepperoni look like anchovies under glass.

In a world of have nots and Trump-level billionaires, Tom Brady is casting his lot with the X-press Way of La Dolce Vita. He will not be allowed to commute to Foxboro from Brookline in the express lane unless he carpools with Julie E.

We don’t see that happening. Julian Edelman lives in Foxboro, not toney Brookline.

A friend of ours met Tom some years ago when he was not far removed from being a sixth round draft pick.

He and my friend met at one of those Cape Cod charity events when Tom watched as our friend had his red MB SLK 320 roof slide into the back seat.

Tom was agog, and said: “I need to get one of those.”

How times have changed.

He can now afford three of those Mercedes to one Aston Martin DB 11.  When Tom pushes a button on his new A-M, the entire car folds into the back seat.

And we were going to tell him to buy Aaron Hernandez’s used assassin 4-Runner Deathmobile SUV for sentimental reasons. He’s outdone us again.

 

 

 

 

Tom Brady & Trump Face Inflategate

DATELINE:  More Fake News or Inflate-gate 

 Trumped

Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, has just hammered the quarterback with the Madden curse. If you don’t have enemies, your wife may be just as good as a substitute.

Maybe bachelorette Julian Edelman knows something he should have explained to Tom.

With supermodel Giselle’s announcement of Tom’s unreported and secret concussions over the years, she has made more trouble for him than actual concussions.

There’s nothing worse than a latent headache. You can bet the NFL will now subpoena Brady and hire a special researcher.

Before the new 2017 season begins, Tom will be under investigation for covering up medical injuries. Will we learn that he has a private Russian doctor recommended by President Trump? Has the FBI enough agents to send a few to locate Tom Brady’s secret medical file?

Since Roger Goodell has seen the light of brain disease associated with football, he now has more reason than ever to stop Tom Brady’s career dead in its tracks. There’s nothing more exciting for Goodell than to beat a dead horse. His favorite derby nag is Tom Brady.

We are now convinced that Tom Brady’s showboating by smashing a mirror and walking under a ladder were signs of concussive behavior. He had brain lock.

If this is not the same as a Madden Curse, this scandal will do until a good one comes along.

Tom and his representatives are not issuing a statement. The Patriots are not issuing a statement. Bill Belichick is not issuing a statement.

Tom’s only comments today: he wished LeBron James and Isaiah Thomas good luck in their playoff extravaganza. It was Big Papi sitting courtside, not Tom Brady. Tom will have another day in court.

Tom will have to hide from the press about as much as former FBI Director James Comey. Questions abound and rebound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concussion-gate Rivals Trump-gate

DATELINE: Move Over, Watergate and Deflategate

 duke & duchess of Foxboro

Not tonight, dear. He has a headache.

Like his friend Donald Trump, Tom Brady has a big headache.

No, it isn’t James Comey. It’s Tom’s wife, Giselle Bundchen. The superstar model gave an interview in which she announced Tom had a concussion this past season on the road to the Super Bowl.

In fact, she said he had many concussions over the years. Uh-oh.

This was news to the NFL and Roger Goodell as well as the Players Union. There are rules about medical reports and who can play if he is concussed.

Goodell never ducks an issue like concussions, and now Giselle has given him another shot at Tom’s head.

You know there is trouble when the doctor who was played by Will Smith and blew the whistle on concussions in the NFL has called Giselle heroic.

Tom may have another word for her.  We may now see who wears the pants on the runway at Tom’s house.

Trump could fire Comey, but Tom may be up the creek with Giselle and her half-billion-dollar bank account. The Patriots are staying mum on Tom’s children’s mum, but we know that Jose Baez will be the first to offer his services if Concussion-gate gets messy.

We think Julian Edelman may have to recuse himself, and we aren’t sure if Bill Belichick will be subpoenaed to appear before Congress.

The Patriots may need to ask for a second opinion before the man with the Fountain of Youth admits he has feet of clay.

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Worrying for Tom Brady’s Safety

DATELINE:  Through the Looking Glass

 smashing mirror

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, who is fairer than Tom Brady?

There’s always a young QB on the rise, living in the woods next to a huntsman waiting for a Heisman.

When the Patriot icon takes a hammer to smash his own image to bits in a looking glass on Facebook, we feel like Tiny Alice, ready to start chasing white rabbits.

Tom has turned into the Mad Hatter.  Has he been inhaling mercury as part of his health regimen?

You don’t fool around with mirrors when you’ve had Botox treatments. You don’t smash your own image when you’ve spent plenty to achieve that boyish forever look that cost Somerset Maugham a whole lotta goat hormone treatments.

Tom Brady wants to show he can fly in the fickle face of fate. Madden Hatter 18, be damned.

Tom is a man of science—and he has put all his eggs into the basket of cosmetology, or is that cosmology?

We keep forgetting whenever we see a pretty face.

We cannot imagine Gronk or Julie E smashing a mirror. They know the price of good looks is too high to throw away. Tom has millions to burn, or his wife does.

We desperately hope Tom will not swap his ruby red slippers for a pair of Uggs.  The Wicked Witch of the West, aka Roger Goodell, may be waiting along the Yellow Brick Road.

We hope Tom will drop that Brookline mansion on Goodell’s head. It may be his only salvation after the broken mirror crisis.

 

 

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Whatever Happened to Tom Brady?

DATELINE:  Transforming the Legend

together truman & tom 

YIKES!

A number of observers of Boston sports have contacted us to ask this disturbing question. Has Tom Brady turned into Truman Capote?

Whatever can they mean? Well, a few wags and others are suggesting that Tom Brady is undergoing a social morphing that is most peculiar.

We have been told that Tom is turning into Truman like Dr. Jekyll becoming Mr. Hyde.

We don’t mean “Give’em Hell, Harry,” Truman, but we are thinking along the terms of Breakfast at Tiffany’s Truman.

Tom may be dining with the swells of fashion and hoi polloi beyond the Neanderthal world of Gronk.

How is it possible that Tom Brady, tall and svelte, could be changing into Truman Capote, short and dumpy?

A few wags blame the transformation on his wife, Giselle.

You can say we are guilty of murder in cold blood when we put Tom and Truman together side-by-side.

From natty poses to languorous layouts, the twins of metrosexuality tends to stun us.

lounge lizards

Early on, Tom mimicked one of Truman’s old book covers: the controversial, come-hither coach-potato look.

What’s even more appalling is how much Giselle and Tom pose together like any anonymous woman and Truman.

couples

You may rest assured: we are on this case like a sleuth hound dog and will send you regular updates as warranted.

 

 

Ortiz & Brady Face Off

DATELINE:  4th Churchill Down

GOATS

Who’s the bigger clothes-horse?

You may think it’s the Summer of Gronk, but it’s really La Dolce Vita of Tom Brady.

Who won the Derby? does it matter? Probably some horse Always Dreaming of Super Bowl victories.

In the meantime, Tom Brady hooked up with David Ortiz, both looking dapper in hats hats. Big Papi outdid tom with his bow tie Daddy look.

Wes Welker joined up with the entourage at Churchhill downs. He made for a bookend with Julian Edelman. We aren’t sure if they were the Bobsey twins with the Hardy Boys. They must’ve been fighting for time with Tom. Chances are they came across like the Ritz Brothers.

The Churchill Downs shenanigans seem like a great deal of trouble for two-minute pony race. Not to mention expense, but who’s counting money when fun is involved and millionaire playboys.

Apparently Tom believes there are never enough quarterbacks to change a lightbulb or win a fashion contest.

To that end he brought both Jimmy Garoppollo and Jackie Bissett with him for this trip, and then for good measure added Matt Cassel to show them what happens to Tom Brady backups.

We haven’t seen prankster Cassel in ages. Don’t ever tell us being Tom Brady is back up does not have its advantages?

playboys of western world

When they deplaned, Edelman did his best Aaron Hernandez imitation with a standard crotch grab.

Tom Brady Heads Kentucky Derby Delegation

DATELINE: Derby or Bust

QB fest

In an annual rite of spring, the Patriots are putting all their eggs in one post-Easter basket.

This year Tom Brady is again hosting a planeful of players at the Kentucky Derby. Last season he took Gronk, among others, who is left off the guest list this time. Perhaps there was a conflict with his Wrestlemania commitments.

This time Brady has fellow QBs of the Patriots, Jimmy G and Jackie Bissett, as his seconds and thirds.  Pardon us if we worry about putting Brady’s QB backups in the same private jet traveling cross country in this age of NFL QBs retiring to do broadcasts.

Don’t even ask how much it will cost Tom to foot the bill for this annual vacation for his pals. Thank heavens his wife is rapidly approaching billionaire status.

We aren’t sure of the wisdom of putting the Designated Survivors all on the same jet to Churchill Downs. Hasn’t Bill Belichick been watching that miniseries with Kiefer Sutherland?

The Patriots are even going so far as to allow a former Patriot quarterback to tag along (photos by Scott Zolak, now a publicity hound for radio and TV broadcasts).

We expect to see more hats than Hedda Hopper wore on the recent series about Bette and Joan worn by our Patriot attendees. High fashion is a de rigueur component of the Derby pre-game festival.

That’s nothing for Tom who often wears clothes by Tom Ford, former fashion designer to the stars, and now film director of weird movies like Nocturnal Animals.

To meet that side of the guest list, you can find nocturnal animal Julian Edelman (subbing for Giselle).

Hernandez Deathmobile on eBay

(shortly after posting this blog, the offending car was removed from bidding)

DATELINE: 4-Runner of Death

deathmobile

Owning it will be a bit like owning Lizzie Borden’s Tin Lizzie.

Yes, that icon of Americana, eBay is at it again.

This time you can own a piece of the late Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, by owning his rental. Yes, that’s right. Though Hernandez never drove this car, it was his and he was the last passenger.

Since being impounded by police as the vehicle most likely to have delivered a five murderous rounds of bullets, the car has been about as lonely as the Maytag washing machine repairman.

The online auction tells you this 4-Runner was used to gun down two young men at a traffic light in Boston. The jury didn’t believe it, but why take a chance that this isn’t the dead man’s grim 4-Runner.

Boston Police believed it was worthy of being the harbinger of death. Can you take a chance that Aaron Hernandez is now haunting the car?

For a year the car was an off-road vehicle, having been kept in a garage under wraps. That means the car is even newer than its 2012 vintage.

After leasing was up, Hernandez was forced to purchase the car to keep it in a Connecticut state of pristine hiding.

A few wags have called the Deathmobile by a sobriquet, “The Silver Bullet.” We don’t recall what Billy the Kid called his horse, but it could have been Silver.

If you see lanterns in a Boston steeple, this car will go to 60mph in six seconds to take you all the way from Concord and Lexington to Foxboro, or have we mixed our metaphors yet again?

The SUV is allegedly worth about $10,000, but bids are now upping toward double that amount.  It must be the black soot marks inside where police dusted for fingerprints. That’s an extra you don’t usually find in a used car.

As a throwaway, or throw-in, the seller offers you a signed Hernandez “81” Patriots jersey. If you recall, the Patriots tried to collect and to destroy every available Hernandez shirt. They failed.

Tom Brady & Giselle Host Gala at the Met

 DATELINE:  La Dolce Vita

 duke & duchess of Foxboro   trevi

Duke & Duchess of Foxboro Smooching like Marcello & Anita

The ashes and embers of the late Aaron Hernandez from cremation have not even cooled off for Tom’s  dead pal and occasional murderer.

Yet, Tom Brady is running up and down the grand staircase at the Met Gala, dressed in a nattily Tom Ford designed dinner jacket with matching bowtie.

Brady is single-handedly bringing back the concept of metrosexuality. As for Hernandez, let the dead bury the dead.

Together with his wife Giselle Bundchen, the New England Patriot power couple appears like a New York power couple, not our suburban couple from Foxboro, Glendale, or Brookline. You’d almost think Tom played for the Giants.

Staying at their Manhattan co-op apartment, they fit right into the New York art scene. Tom and Gisele can play the Duke and Duchess of Windsor until they’re in their 70s.

Why mingle with the hoi polloi like Julian Edelman and Gronk when you can hobnob with the swells at the Met?

Indeed, the mighty Brady couple are playing together like the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, over a decade younger than the Boston power couple. Of course, pretension in the society pages is a great deal more fun than eating buffalo wings at the Super Bowl.

Tom and Gisele are posing like Young Love for the adoring fans and cameras.  You almost have to ignore the onset of middle-age when they show up.

We almost felt like they were turning the clock back to the 1950s single-handedly. Where is Federico Fellini when you need him? We expect Tom and Gisele to stroll fully clothed into the Fountain of Trevi in Rome as their next publicity stunt.

Toothless Celtic Bites Universe Hard

DATELINE:  The Illuminati? illuminati

This week has sent us messages again from the “timeless realm.”

The Boston Celtics are playing with Historical Inevitability, through their magical imp, Cousin IT, Isaiah Thomas. After flying back from the funeral of his sister Chyna on the West Coast, he arrived in Boston at 3am to play a second-round game at 1pm.

During the course of the game, he received an elbow and lost a tooth, giving him a lisp and impetus to play the game of his life. He felt like giving up after the funeral of his sister, dead at 22 in a car crash, but he knew he could not. The message from the beyond was clear.

You may wonder how the emblematic image of a toothless man can take a bite out of fate. Even Cousin IT found it amusing as he led the Celtics to an improbable victory after an abysmal start to the playoff series, round two.

Cousin IT has the power of the Illuminati behind him, unlike Aaron Hernandez who died around the same time as IT’s sister, but out of despair. He wrote in blood, the word ILLUMINATI on his cell wall. Perhaps he felt victimized by the forces of the universe.

Who knew that Hernandez was a believer in string theory and quantum mechanics? Yet, its force and power has been on display again this week in Boston sports.

Has the all-seeing “eye” sent us a message that says HI?  Is that bizarre historical inevitability (HI) sending Boston another championship team not six months after the Super Bowl?

HI, IT, and AH, are symbols that are unmistakable in the universe, even in the mundane world of sports.

 

 

Where Love Has Gone, Hernandez Style

DATELINE:  Death Watch (Rolex)

 size queenAlexander Bradley guesses again!

Valentine’s Day was too late for Aaron Hernandez.

In September he tried to arrange to have Kyle Kennedy made his cellmate. Though this was at first approved, it was quickly rescinded when authorities received wind of the true nature of their relationship.

Denied a cellie, all he wanted for Xmas, Hernandez grew more despondent apparently—but let’s face it: prison officials seldom take on the roles of matchmakers. It’s bad for prison morale to let engagements occur in the general population.

Prisons have not yet reached the exalted situation where they allow sexual tandems as part of a lonely hearts club. The maximum security prison was not going to become another Cure Lounge.

Kyle Kennedy’s lawyer is now saying that his client will talk about his connections to Hernandez when he is ready. Since he is now off suicide watch, it won’t be long.

As part of his trousseau, Kennedy wants that $47,000 watch that was promised as part of their nuptials. It may be beyond comprehension that Hernandez would offer an expensive bauble to a fellow prisoner—and let his daughter fend for herself.

Kennedy also wants the suicide note Hernandez left for him, but there is a big problem. Hernandez’s attorney, Jose Baez claims it was a note to him, not another inmate. Heavens, could it be that Baez was supposed to receive the watch too—as a retaining memento of love.

Baez also noted that a charge of being gay tarnished the reputation of Hernandez (apparently more than three murder charges).

Lawyers will accept all kinds of gratuities for services rendered. For them, love and money are blinder than justice.

Aaron Hernandez Unmasked

DATELINE:  Who Goes There?

AHinHOF

It has taken only a scant 48 hours for the Aaron Hernandez memorabilia business to start booming.

Dirt has come tumbling out of his life in the hours after his death.  He purportedly waxed the floor of his cell with soap in order to make sure he would slip and break his neck whether the hanging worked or not.

His body will be buried without a brain, which seems fitting, as his lawyers want Boston University to study this organ for concussion damage.

Chico, as he was called and not in deference to the Marx Brothers comedy team, was said to have written John 3:16 in blood on the wall, but in red ink on his own forehead. He had to print small because there’s very little space between his hairline and his eyebrows, sort of like early Neanderthal.

Some say he left three suicide notes, though the earliest report said there were no suicide notes. The notes have been left to his wife, his daughter, and according to the most reliable sources (the Daily Mail), his gay prison lover (who remains unidentified so far). Anyone reading these blogs for the past few years know that we have the world scooped on that one.

There is a fight brewing over his NFL pension, which is considerable and should go to his daughter, but he may not have left a will and, of course, never married Shayanna.

Since Chico’s death, Tom Brady has gone into seclusion, not even venturing out for the White House party with Mr. Trump.

You can certainly expect more dirty laundry to be aired before Hernandez is fittingly put into the ground.