Tom Brady’s Five Finger Exercise

DATELINE:  New England Patriot Horror Movie

hands

Let the hand-wringing begin.

No one can shake Tom Brady’s hand this week. If it ain’t broke, can he play with all fingers?

When the Patriots called for all hands on deck during practice on Wednesday, the hand of Tom Brady was among the missing. Usually he keeps his pitching mitt in his cozy hand warmer, but this week it has been a specimen under observation by the greatest medical minds the Kraft family can find.

The handicraft of Tom Brady may be in jeopardy.

Like the hands of a stranger, Brady’s hand is like an alien creature being tested for performance enhancing capabilities. We want to hold his hand like a Beatle, but his circulation could be at risk.

Glad-handers among the media have dismissed the notion that the Patriots needed a Handiwipe to keep the Pats from falling into Trump’s s**thole.

Reports circulate that Handsome Tom Brady has been unable to give hand signals when he drives his Astin-Martin, and his hand gestures have been limited to the usual Trump vocabulary.

After a freak accident, the freakish Brady’s hand no longer can grip a football. It may be time for a hand-me-down to the next quarterback on the roster. Yikes.

We can count the chances for Patriot victory on Sunday on one hand if Tom Brady is not handy.

If Tom can’t get a handle on the ball Sunday, TV ratings will be handed off like a fat woman pouring coffee on her  bosom as in the commercial for DirecTV.

The Patriots will lose hands down if Tom Brady must handoff to Brian Hoyer.

Don’t ask the Patriots for a show of hands.

The Jacksonville Jaguars may prove to be more than a handful.

We are unsure of the Patriots will be able to get a hand on another victory this season if the ball slips out of Brady’s hand.

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Patriot Destiny Calls—and the Ringing Phone is from Nemesis

DATELINE:  Nemesis Rears Its Ugly Head

lord

Teams of destiny, uh-oh. The Patriots may have answered the call this weekend, but the call was for two other winners: Jaguars and Vikings.

The stench of inevitability, not inability, turns people against teams:  whether it’s the New York Yankees or the New England Patriots. If you win the dynasty game, you are fair game for nemesis. That is the ultimate retribution for being a lucky winner ad nauseum.

Thank you, Alex Guerrero for putting the Patriots on notice with TB12’s curse. Tom smashed that mirror in the pre-season as a challenge, and now the piper must be paid.

Tom Brady has won enmity more than anything else since his Deflategate and his five Super Bowl rings. So, you know that people love to hate him. His new documentary series will be a hit because those haters want to see the icon up close for disparaging. These boots were made for disparaging, for us too.

As far as worry, the Patriots ought to be scared s***less, if we may borrow one of their biggest fans favorite epithets. Trump will send endless curses on the Patriots, his team of destiny.

Now there are two other teams of destiny:  Jacksonville Jaguars and Minnesota Vikings. They were not meant to win much, certainly not a Super Bowl. But they have become the nouveau Jack the Giant Slayer.  Either they are that or they are old-fashioned jackdaws. That’s the dirty old crow that likes to steal baubles for no reason and bring them back to their nest.

The Pats may have their pockets picked by either one of these new teams of destiny. Someone up there doesn’t like the Pats—and may be nothing can stop these perennial also-runners up from hitting the dizzying heights of metaphor Destiny.

You may hear the term in the next few weeks, if not already. Team of Destiny.  And let us be the first to tell you: it is the Patriots who are headed for an ugly fall, sooner or later.

Rumors Persist: NE Patriots In Chaos

DATELINE:  Rat on Board

Zo mark

Is something rotten in the state of Patriotsland in Foxboro?

Are we about to see a mutiny on the Sunny Ship Patriots? Is Tom Brady about to toss Captain Bligh off the ship like a good Fletcher Christian?

Bombshells are in the offing before a single playoff game is played. Bombogenesis cyclones hitting the area will be the least of the problems.

According to those pesky unnamed sources, Tom Brady demanded the trade of Jimmy G over Bill Bligh Belichick’s opinion by going to the man with the purse-strings, Mr. Robert Kraft.

As you might expect, Kraft took Brady’s side.

Does this make any sense? According to trolls and pundits, Brady is miffed that his guru and physical trainer, Alex Guerrero, has been banned by Belichick from planes, trains, cars, playing fields, and locker-rooms. This means other Patriot players are not allowed to consult him.

The big name here is Gronk.

So, the two biggest stars on the team are in a snit over Belichick’s autocrat at the brunch table.

Who are these unnamed sources? Well, one name keeps popping up: Jonathan E. Kraft, who is well-known for schmoozing with the likes of media types like Tom E. Curran.

Someone in the know is spilling beans faster than bean counters can keep track.

More bombogenesis is expected this weekend, which may turn the good ship Patriots under water, and send Bligh Blight Belichick heading for the lifeboats faster than your average rat.

Stay tuned for more sensational crap that rivals gossip and salacious innuendo at the White House.

 

 

 

 

Another NFL/Media Conspiracy on Our Reserved Seats

DATELINE:  NFL Flies By Seats of Stadium

Who's There?AP/Chiu

 

As we come down to the home-stretch of the NFL season of 2017, there is an obvious conspiracy afoot, and aseat.

The networks (both cable and airtime) have joined the NFL in deceiving the viewing public.

Though our Commander-in-Chief thinks he is smartly pointing out that football ratings are down because of kneeling football players, he once again has missed the key point:  there are fewer people at the actual games. The seats are empty.

Where once there were screaming throngs and sell-outs at every game across the NFL, there are now many teams faced with the embarrassing lack of din from supporting fans. The lung power of screams of support have turned to boo-bird calls—but the only way to make crowd noise is to fill the stadium with fake sounds.

Now, New England fans may not know what we are talking about. Their stadium at Foxboro is always filled. Indeed, Pat fans know no decline in support. They now are showing up at visiting stadiums where the home crowd is supporting the visiting Patriots. No wonder opponent team owners salivate when the Pats show up: it’s guaranteed revenue. Empty seats disappear.

No wonder the owners are happily taking their teams abroad. In London or Mexico City, language is no barrier to paying fans filling up every seat.

NFL Red Zone doesn’t have to avoid crowd shots of the stadium in a foreign land. Just the needed field goal kicks show the ball flying over empty seats as it hits the net for 3 points. The visual impact is that the viewers realize they are more alone than you might have thought.

Whether Trump is right that the politics of players and the national anthem issue have driven away fans is debatable. Perhaps we are just saturated by games of no importance, and seats of great cost.

Your owner greed has cast them into their own Twilight Zone of Red Zone: charging exorbitant prices for a day at the game has now created the effect of Roman emperors sitting in their luxury boxes watching the peons who paid good money for little entertainment.

Don’t get us started on the camera shots of owners, respectfully called “Mr.” billionaire by fawning broadcasters. That’s a conspiracy for another day.

 

 

Keep the NFL Out of Mexico!

 DATELINE: Belichick’s Complaint

Belichick

It was bound to happen after a grueling jet lag victory in Mexico City. The Head Coach of the Patriots, Swami Belichick, found his tongue. We need a wall to keep the NFL out of Mexico.

On a local radio show, upon his return from south of the border, he fired off that it was a long trip and a logistical nightmare, requiring too much manpower—and blatantly unfair to players.

In Oakland, the losers of the game, they dealt with jet lag from Mexico by firing their defensive coordinator. To each his own.

However, implicit in Belichick’s harangue was the fact that the NFL stacked the deck against his championship team. It’s done in the name of parity: you make sure every disadvantage in Roger Goodell’s arsenal is dumped on the best team in the NFL this century—from Deflategate fake news to Montezuma’s Revenge.

Belichick also threw into the mix that they were lucky there were no earthquakes during the game or aftershocks. We had noted earlier in the year that the NFL made no comment after the terrible, tragic earthquake about sending a team into the breach, ready or not.

It is reminiscent of the Trump administration returning temporary immigrant visitors back into places unprepared to house them.

Critics jumped all over Belichick for his ignorance, though we had no problem with saying that a trip to Mexico, with its thin air, was not helpful in preparing for the next game up.

Indeed, Belichick referenced Monday night games as having a similar jet lag issue when travel required cross-country trips. We’d have thrown in Thursday night games as being far worse.

Accusers have a bad habit in this country of being disbelieved and mistrusted. When Belichick accuses the NFL of their bad decisions, it is reminiscent of Alabama candidates for the Senate: as Mr. Trump would tell us, nothing is proven about accusations while he cloaks himself in the flag attacking football players who protest their treatment at the hands of nutcases.

But we digress again: sports is like that in the world of politics. Mexico ought to build a wall to keep out the NFL.

Hernandez: The Brain That Would Not Die

DATELINE: Examining Aaron’s Brain

brain slices

Like a murderous zombie, Aaron Hernandez comes back repeatedly from death.

The latest news story deals with the findings of another pathologist Dr. Anne McKee, head of the Boston University CTE Center, who makes the case that the damage done to the New England football player by repeated concussions is enough to create a Frankenstein’s Monster.

The apparent shrunken and withered frontal lobes to his brain were even worse than originally feared. They had never seen anything quite like it in the brain of a 27-year old physically healthy young man.

There is no doubt that Aaron Hernandez had a magnificent body, well-taken care of. He had no idea that it encased the worst case of damaged goods you could find in the NFL.

Roger Goodell and his partners in crime ought to be cringing.

When doctors reveal it is the most severe trauma they’ve ever seen, you have reason to be freaked out. Those three murders may well have been the result of a mind that had no control over his impulses. He could not make decisions in any normal manner. He suffered a lack of judgment that had nothing to do with his intelligence.

Knowing he felt smart, Hernandez must have been repeatedly puzzled and baffled by his own twisted logic. Doctors insist they have never seen such a condition in anyone under 46 years of age. That is scary.

The doctor said: “…we can say collectively, in our collective experience, that individuals with CTE, and CTE of this severity, have difficulty with impulse control, decision-making, inhibition of impulses for aggression, emotional volatility, rage behaviors.

In other words, he was a perfect Type A personality for the NFL. He had the right genetic marker to make him vulnerable to the condition.

Researchers believe he had deteriorated to the level of someone in his 60s, “the most severe case they had ever seen in someone Aaron’s age.”

It makes you wonder what they might have found in the brains of Billy the Kid, Jack the Ripper or Lizzie Borden.

Dare we say it?  We feel sorry for poor Aaron Hernandez.

 

 

 

A Conspiracy of Dunces in the NFL

 DATELINE:  NFL Collusion

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Word is now seeping out, as it does like swamp gas, that certain owners of the NFL have received subpoenas for their records of email and phone logs that pertain to conspiracy to defraud a player of his rights.

It seems the lawyers of Colin Kaepernick are charging them with collusion to keep the kneeling QB out of the league. The NFLPA, the union of the players, is trying to stay far away from this radioactive leak.

Why do we think the name of Donald Trump will be invoked sooner than later?  He demanded that players like Kaepernick be “fired” for daring to express their political opinion. By that standard, Trump should have been impeached months ago.

The blowhard President can’t keep his mouth shut about anything remotely not of his jurisprudence, whether it comes to football players protesting police brutality—or keeping mum about a soldier who was charged with desertion or a terrorist who killed innocent people on a bike path.

The nitwit President Pinocchio fails to realize that his words jeopardize justice.  And soon, Kaepernick’s attorney will make mincemeat of the NFL Kollege of Kollusion.

The American public, or at least those with minimal understanding of the US Constitution, will want lynch-mob justice—at the behest of their caped crusader in the White House.

Make no mistake:  Robert Kraft of the Patriots, Jerry Jones of the Cowboys and Bob McNair of the Texans are ripe Trump followers. Their subpoenaed documents will provide better laughs than you might find at a Grand Jury on Russian subterfuge.

That likely means they are ripe for the picking by a shrewd lawyer with the Bill of Rights on his side.

We may soon know what the conversations among billionaire owners of the plantation and their president encompassed. We know it will not raise the level of discourse, nor prove that bright minds are the richest fat cats in the country.

So, we have NFL owners against black players—and a president touting white privilege. When did we lose America? The answer is forthcoming.

 

 

 

 

This Week in Patriot Superstition

 DATELINE:  The Devil You Say?

 off off-season     Most Off Off-Season Ever!

If you wait for Bill Belichick to let you know what’s going on in Patriot Nation, you’d be the victim of a fake news blockage.

Stephone Gilmore, one-time scapegoat of the big loss two weeks ago, suddenly has developed a concussion and will be unavailable for Sunday’s big game against the New York Jets.

The Jets, usually Pat patsies, are looking like the team Rex Ryan always hoped they would be. So, for the Pats to abruptly announce that Gilmore, one of their high-priced staples, is now suffering sudden concussion is a big deal. It is also a bit weird.

There were no reports of Gilmore injuries all week.

Maybe he fell in the bathtub. Perhaps he had one of those latent concussions that befall Tom Brady. His wife insists he has them, but Tom has no memory of that—and plays regardless of any headaches.

On top of this, another Patriot had to be extricated from his car in a terrible three-car accident on the way to Foxboro Friday night. He was rear-ended—and now he too is out for the foreseeable future. This is rookie Harvey Langi who was with his wife. Both have serious injury and have been hospitalized.

The fluke problems continue to mount up on the Patriots. We know the root cause, but no one is talking about it.

Just a few months ago, Tom Brady tempted fate deliberately by challenging superstition. He smashed a mirror with a hammer and walked under a ladder to prove there was nothing to these old tales of impending doom.

No one is laughing now.  And no one is acknowledging that Tom has been foolhardy once too often. He must think those special pajamas he wears make him look and behave like Spiderman.

Instead, he looks like the man with arachnophobia.

The rest of us are foaming at the mouth with Friday the 13th worries.

If the Jets beat the Patriots following a jinx day of the week, you know that Tom has tempted fate and called in the Devil’s boys.

We should warn Tom that the Devil is the author of confusion and often takes a pleasing form. The Devil is in the details and in the Botox. Every day a little Devil.

Stranger Bedfellow: Peyton Manning

DATELINE:  Super Bowl Hay Woven into Political Gold

At one point during the heyday of Tom Brady, way back when he was young, everyone thought that the future for Tom Brady, Donald Trump’s quondam friend would be a career in politics. He had the red hat and he had the swagger.

Trump even lobbied him as a husband for Ivanka a dozen years ago. Tom’s certainly a better catch than Jared Kushner.

There was inevitable talk he would seek a role in political office in Massachusetts, though the state is probably a tad more liberal for him than his actual politics. Tom doesn’t need deodorant because avocado ice cream smells better than it looks.

However, the Trump people may be more delighted with that pizza-slinging huckster-cum-politician Peyton Manning.

The man who plays more golf with Trump than Brady is a rank conservative icon. Yes, word is out that Tennessee may be needing a new senator next year–and Peyton Manning has a “Hail Mary” chance and pass in his future.

Considered highly popular among those who never kneel except in church, and well-known not just for his on-field antics, but his off-field commercials, he knows something about sound bites.

Jingles and jingoism are not alien to Peyton. Nationwide Insurance and health care are up his passer rating. Just ask him to hum a bar or two.

We wait to discover whether his conservative ultra-right positions will sit well with the American public in general.  We know they will likely sit quite well in Tennessee, where the Beverly Hillbillies originally hailed—and where bluegrass is unusually red around the neck.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, and nothing could be stranger than to find Tom Brady still playing in the NFL– and Peyton Manning in the United States Senate.

Patriot ‘Sons of Bitches’

DATELINE:  Tom Brady’s Bitch Teammates

 34 missing 34 Missing Patriots

After President Trump called NFL player protesters against racial violence a bunch of sons of bitches who should be fired for having a political viewpoint, many NFL players as well as another sports figures have responded vehemently.

Team owners have joined their players in calling the President a divisive and ridiculous provocateur.  They also think he is a detriment to the unity of the nation. This squares with Tom Brady hater Roger Goodell. We would point out these owners are fellow billionaires and true equals of President Trump. You, dear reader, are not an equal in the new American democracy of Mr. Trump.

In terms of the lower-level millionaires who play for the NFL and NBA, many of them have taken umbrage with being labeled sons of bitches for kneeling in meditation during the national anthem. Oh, say, TV cameras won’t see them as the media never covers Sunday “Star-Spangled Banner” renditions.

Perhaps we too have become sick of the entire protest movement, or just tired of the hullabaloo. In any respect, we seem to be less bothered now than ever before by kneeling athletes. We seem more concerned with black lives being of no matter.

It is interesting that among the Patriots of New England, there is an official silence. Since fellow billionaire Robert Kraft is a dinner guest, jet-set flying Trump equal, there is no disparity between them.

Yet, Coach Belichick and Tom Brady (other Trump supporters) have also been quiet about which of their teammates are truly sons of bitches. 34 refused to go to the lily White House in April.

Devin McCourty, one of the captains of the team and one of the players who refused to go to the White House in April for an honor to Trump, gave a namby-pamby response to the President who inferred he was a son of bitch. You can’t find yourself in Belichick’s doghouse. Thus, silence reigns.

Many of the others who refused to go to the White House have now left the Patriots for other teams where they can protest and kneel to their hearts’ content.

We will be watching closely today to see which Patriots are truly sons of bitches and will report back to you.

 

 

 

 

Time for Tom Brady to Retire?

DATELINE:  Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall

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When our Haitian home health aide tells us something, we generally listen closely. He knows everything—and he is also an expert in voodoo.

So, when we considered the post-game post-mortem on the Patriots loss to Kansas City in the opener of 2017, we realized that the mantra of “One More Time” is the equivalent of whistling past the graveyard. It was, we were reminded, the 9th anniversary of the same Chiefs crushing Tom’s leg in a game, losing an entire season.

All this was detailed in the off-season book about the Patriots called The Most Off Off-Season Ever. For those with elephantine memories, you will recall that Tom Brady dismissed talk of curses and superstitions by taking the proactive stance of smashing a mirror with a hammer.

Well, we cringed then—and now a series of freakish injuries has decimated Tom’s receiving corps. The esprit de corps is now in a MASH unit in North Korea.

In no short order, Tom Brady has lost Edelman, Amendola, and Malcolm Mitchell. Other Patriots look like the walking dead from cable television: notably Gronk.

So, when our health aide said Tom Brady is too old to play quarterback, our ears were pierced with the shrill cry of a banshee in the night.

We were reminded of Muhammad Ali’s comment to Howard Cosell about age: “Ask your wife, Howard. You are not the man you were seven years ago.”

Yes, the mirror may mean that Tom’s next comeback will be in seven years: that’s a lot of IR under the bridge. Just ask any troll you find there.

You may dismiss superstition when you are the 1968 Mets, but you don’t go walking under a ladder and asking black cats to jump into your 50-yard line of vision.

Tom Brady should retire? Who’d have thunk it two weeks ago? But today, Tom looks like the man who smashed a mirror out of arrogance.

Patriots Should Be Paranoid about NFL

DATELINE: Inmates Running the Asylum

 

Featured imageBugs on Jets: to a Louse

Patriot fans can only become so rabid when the Jets are mentioned.

Now the Jets have raised the ante—and there may not be enough ill will in the tank to match their vitriol with the proper level of hostility.

We have heard the confirmed rumors that the Jets called the NFL headquarters prior to their game with the Patriots to express fears that those pesky Pats were cheating again.

Yes, the NFL, happy to embarrass the Krafts and Patriots, sent their top dog investigators to sweep the visiting locker room for bugs. They would have better luck if they checked the Jets sleeping accommodations for bedbugs. The Jets have more bats in the belfry than bugs in the locker room.

The Jets are more buggered than bugged.

The Jets felt their game would be derailed by listening devices in the locker room, stealing their game plan. Having seen how they played, no team would want their game plan.

It is a sign of the times that the Patriots now believe they are being set up by other teams and the NFL. You aren’t paranoid when they really are out to get you.

In this case, Roger Goodell’s goons and his Gestapo of former Jets in administrative positions are furious that the Pats won in the court room, and made the NFL look like the morons they actually are.

There is no victory in humiliating an idiot because he does not learn his lesson—ever. The Patriots have mortified Goodell to no satisfaction.

So, now we are faced with a great war—with the NFL and the most hated of rivals. These idiots of the gridiron will do whatever it takes to undermine their own game. If anyone is cable of killing their own golden goose, it is Goodell’s goose-steppers.