Jaylen Brown’s 3-D Vision

DATELINE: Celtics Find Clark Kent in Green Lantern

clark kent

Don the Goggles!  He doesn’t need a cape. And you can no longer spit in his eye.

Jaylen Brown may have had an eye infection from his contact lenses this week. However, his solution is not just sterilized: it’s made of plexiglass.

Yes, Jaylen has found his personality. He will henceforth wear goggles. This gives him an edge as an all-star and Celtics legend.

The man who wouldn’t be photographed in glasses will now appear in wrap-around goggles. Brown insists he can see better than ever. In fact, the goggles give him “3-D vision,” in his own words.

Heavens, and we thought all of us had 3-D vision, born with at least one superhuman quality.

This new asset of Jaylen may not be confused with X-ray vision or infra-red vision, or other superhero attributes.

Whatever, Jaylen played like Superman in his new regalia. If Kyrie can wear a clear mask, then Jaylen does one better than superstars of yore in basketball.

Yes, Brown has channeled his inner Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

In his new personae as The Celtics Green Lantern, it would seem that Brown may look more like Sponge Bob than Kareem. He may have more ability to see than Madame Acardi facing Blithe Spirit.

Whether the goggles give him a true extra set of eyes remains to be seen.

Move over, Clark Kent. The intellectual Brown now appears to be smarter than Smart and flashier than Beyonce.

Will the bespectacled Brown take the permanent role of superhero with the brown eyes under glass?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump, Moore Chased by Frankenstein Monster

 

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Gronk & His $$$$

DATELINE:  Man & Myth

re-stolen jersey

Gronk Down for Count

Notable New England Patriot cheapskate Gronk will lose at least $280,000 if he is suspended for the next game. As you might guess, this is anathema to a man who never touches his salary and lives off his endorsement money.

Far worse, he is due for bonus money based on the number of catches and touchdowns. Losing a game means big bucks down the drain.  And yet, this may be the silver lining of a man who has now created a reputation for playing dirty.

Why suddenly did Gronk decide to pile drive a Buffalo Bill in front of his family and friends? They were all present to see the hometown boy and Bills fan of his youth.

Perhaps he thought it was in the tradition of being thrown onto tables during tailgate parties (a big, brainless tradition in Buffalo where friends throw a drunken nitwit onto a burning table to watch his back break).

So, as you might expect, Fiesta Gronk is making an appeal not to be suspended for pile-driving the man who intercepted the pass meant for Gronk. He put the Buffalo Bill 1 foot into the ground. The poor schmuck, number 27, now has a concussion. When King Kong steps on you, you are usually dead. He should count his blessings.

Whether Ebenezer Gronk will recover his money or will have to do more Dunkin’ Donuts commercials ad nauseum, only commissioner Godell and his Fair Play for Cuba Committee knows for sure.

Instead this gives ground got unpaid vacation, and it gives him time to prepare for the bigger game into weeks with the Steelers. We are sure smarter heads will tell Gronk to take the suspension.

Dare we say this to Gronk? It’s only money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mile High Has Enough Air for Patriots

 

DATELINE:  Like Peaches & Herb, Brady & Bennett Sing

Peaches & Herb

What used to give the Patriots the bends is now like air from a deflated football.

Denver used to send chills down the spine of their quarterback; now Tom Brady seems as home in the stadium as Peyton Manning where noise in the clouds hinders most.

With a convincing victory, it’s on to Mexico City where the air is half a mile thinner at 7000 feet. Thank you, Roger Goodell, for such a schedule. You deserve $50million per year and a private jet for life.

Now see if Jerry Jones has any intention of giving you anything more than the air out of a Tom Brady football.

The Pats seemed like their old selves in both defense and offense.

In terms of offense, despite the curse of the broken mirror, the more things change, the more it seems like last season. Why, bless our pointed heads, fans, but there on the field was Martellus Bennett, the original black unicorn.

Though facing surgery in Frost Bite Falls with the Packers and embroiled in legal issues, he was able to catch several Brady passes for great yardage, giving Gronk all he wanted for Christmas.

Von Miller, vaunted Denver defender, might exchange Instagram challenges with Tom Brady, as they did this week, but when push comes to shove, millennial photos on social media are not enough to sack Brady.

In terms of the dangerous seat next to Brady on the bench, vacant often this season since the disappearance of Julian Edelman, like the kidnapping of a Getty grandson, it found a new occupant.

Fearless of curses, and familiar as an old shoe, Brian Hoyer thought nothing of sitting next to Brady while the Denver offense sputtered on the field with their former great Manning replacement having returned to no avail and little consequence.

When it comes to homecoming reunions, no one does it better than the Patriots and Marty Bennett.

On to the deflated atmosphere of earthquaking Mexico City.

 

 

 

A Conspiracy of Dunces in the NFL

 DATELINE:  NFL Collusion

3some

Word is now seeping out, as it does like swamp gas, that certain owners of the NFL have received subpoenas for their records of email and phone logs that pertain to conspiracy to defraud a player of his rights.

It seems the lawyers of Colin Kaepernick are charging them with collusion to keep the kneeling QB out of the league. The NFLPA, the union of the players, is trying to stay far away from this radioactive leak.

Why do we think the name of Donald Trump will be invoked sooner than later?  He demanded that players like Kaepernick be “fired” for daring to express their political opinion. By that standard, Trump should have been impeached months ago.

The blowhard President can’t keep his mouth shut about anything remotely not of his jurisprudence, whether it comes to football players protesting police brutality—or keeping mum about a soldier who was charged with desertion or a terrorist who killed innocent people on a bike path.

The nitwit President Pinocchio fails to realize that his words jeopardize justice.  And soon, Kaepernick’s attorney will make mincemeat of the NFL Kollege of Kollusion.

The American public, or at least those with minimal understanding of the US Constitution, will want lynch-mob justice—at the behest of their caped crusader in the White House.

Make no mistake:  Robert Kraft of the Patriots, Jerry Jones of the Cowboys and Bob McNair of the Texans are ripe Trump followers. Their subpoenaed documents will provide better laughs than you might find at a Grand Jury on Russian subterfuge.

That likely means they are ripe for the picking by a shrewd lawyer with the Bill of Rights on his side.

We may soon know what the conversations among billionaire owners of the plantation and their president encompassed. We know it will not raise the level of discourse, nor prove that bright minds are the richest fat cats in the country.

So, we have NFL owners against black players—and a president touting white privilege. When did we lose America? The answer is forthcoming.

 

 

 

 

Patriots Go to Hurricane Ravaged Tampa

DATELINE: Ill Winds in Tampa

off off-season

Thursday night in Tampa, the Patriots will lick their wounds and try to make former thug Jameswhatsis Winston pay for his past sins as a serial woman abuser. We doubt the defense is up to the job as morality police.

In the meantime, the Pats may want to visit one of the local hoosegows. It seems Jonas Gray, their one-game phenom of 2014, spent some time there recently for failing to pay for his child support.

Gray, the standup comic who failed to make Bill Belichick laugh, had one great game—and was benched for arrogance before Belichick, in his infinite wisdom, cast him adrift.

Gray became invisible and fell into disrepute faster than you can spell Kolin Kaepernick korrectly.

In the meantime, the Pats took off from Rhode Island for the land where a hurricane named Irma (or was it Harvey?) tested Trump’s ability to help white people survive a disaster.

We learned through special snooping that Tom Brady had a reserved seat in the front row of the new private Patriot jet. It’s the row with the most legroom. Yes, the seats on JetKraft are numbered with the player number. #12 is actually #1.

We did our crack work, but not on crack, to learn that the man sitting next to Tom was fellow captain and sweetheart of a moral goodness, Matthew Slater. Matthew has not played much this season, owing to injury, but he is keeping Julian Edelman’s seat warm.

Owners and coaches are in what would be considered first-class, where Kraft also has a bedroom where he can sleep well after berating his friend,  President and Lord of the Flies, Donald Trump.

In the meantime, the Pats have escaped Dodge City in Foxboro where their team is under siege. It now seems the NFLPA has called the new fake sod at Gillette “borderline actionable.” Talk about fake news.

We wonder if new turf will await the Pats during the Thanksgiving game when they conduct their world tour of disaster areas: Mexico City, earthquake central, is their next hot spot on the road.

Fences: Trite Metaphor Aside

DATELINE:  Denzel Directs

denzel & viola

Viola Davis & Denzel Washington: Superb Performances

Denzel Washington’s double duty in the movie version of August Wilson’s play Fences pays overtime.

Playing against heroic type, he comes across in the early scenes as an affable trash collector named Troy Maxson, living in Pittsburgh in the 1950s. His demeanor seemingly hides a disappointed life, as his great talent as a baseball player was over before desegregation of the major baseball leagues.

As a result, he is deeply bitter that his life did not conjoin with the times. Though he seems to take the losses in life well, with easy banter with his wife, brilliant Viola Davis, we begin to see there is far more below the surface.

His family bristles under his demand for respect, compensating for what he feels is missing as his due from society.

He has spent time in prison and has sons by different women, though his younger son with Rose (Viola Davis) also wants to play football in college, which he irrationally refuses to allow.

His friend Bono (Stephen Henderson) witnesses the behavior helpless, until he too gives up on the missing humanity in his friend.

Under Washington’s direction, the film seems bigger, but he does it with a narrow play-like focus to reveal what a heel, misunderstood, Troy truly is.

When, ultimately. he betrays his long-suffering wife, Viola Davis is able to provide a powerhouse performance.

Perhaps he is a victim of harsh social conditions, especially racism in baseball, but what he demands of his family may be cause for true alienation, though they bear with him.

Thoughtful, well-acted films are usually from the 1950s when socially-conscious dramas were common. This film is set back then and matches the quality of old-fashioned movie-making.

Patriots Give Trump a Knee to the Groin

 DATELINE: Kneeling to Victory

 cooks

 

With the Houston Texans locked arm-in-arm (approved by President Trump) across the field, the Patriots took somewhere between 15 and 20 knees. The number is higher or lower, depending on who reports and their degree of disdain for the New England team.

Tom Brady, Trump supporter, refused to criticize anyone, behaving like Mahatma Ghandi. He loved everyone and disdained negativity. His coach Belichick was more curmudgeonly by simply refusing to discuss it, but owner Kraft told Trump he disliked Trump’s tone.

Being an equal to Trump in monetary terms, this criticism was accepted by Trump. From you, he’d scoff.

Oh, yes, there were more kneeling players before all NFL games than in various churches earlier in the day.

Yet, they were mercilessly booed by some dimwit fans.

In the bonehead fashion of their beloved president, these fans failed to realize that the players are entitled to freedom of speech too. You can boo all you like. That too is covered by freedom of speech, even when it is misdirected and later proven stupid.

Yes, Brandin Cooks was on his knee. The Patriot player is the son of a deceased US Marine and raised by an uncle who also was a US Marine. He hardly disrespects them or the flag.. He was the victim of boo birds for his opinion.

Yet, he was also the man who caught the winning pass and touchdown with seconds left on the clock, thus giving the Brady Patriots a victory.

So much for intelligent boo birds.

You can never have too many Cooks. The remaining fans in stands were among the most faithful. Others may have again disbelieved in the Pats who were losing badly with two minutes to go, a la Super Bowl heroics.

Well, actually, it was the 52nd time Tom Brady took his team from loser to winner before the game ended.

Tom showed much love to everyone, but also to his wife’s favorite player. Superstar model Giselle Bundchen likely has a special spot in her heart for Danny Amendola, the only Patriot who regularly walks the runway as a model.  Danny also saved the Pat-less defense from ignominity.

A win is a win, even if you disrespect free speech or are a moron like Donald Trump.

 

 

Brain Bankruptcy of Aaron Hernandez

DATELINE:  CTE, or Water on the Brain

abby Normal

The lawyer of Aaron Hernandez has just come out and said that Hernandez had what is essentially in the old-fashioned term of ‘severe water on the brain.’

By today’s standards this is called CTE and is brain degeneration caused by repeated concussions. Scientists and researchers call Hernandez one of the worst cases they had ever seen in such a young man.  It now seems the death findings on Hernandez may be the best deodorant for him and his murderous rage.

Yes, the concussions made him do it.

According to the VA-BU Brain Bank (no, we did not make this up), the 27-year-old former New England Patriot football player had the brain of a 67-year-old man. This is not good news if you’re a senior citizen on Social Security. It’s not good news if you are Roger Goodell. It’s not good news when the Patriots face a lawsuit.

Hernandez was in Stage III of CTE, out of four stages. His brain was undergoing some severe atrophy. This resulted in aggression, explosive behavior, out of control impulses, forgetfulness, depression, and other assorted cognitive changes. That just about covers it, short of murder and suicide.

As a consequence of this, attorney Jose Baez is suing the Patriots and the NFL on the behalf of Aaron Hernandez’s little daughter.

Who could not have sympathy for his three strikes of rage and murder if it’s all caused by playing football in the NFL?

So, it now seems that Aaron Hernandez is the ultimate victim.

In our 21st century twisted logic, this is someone who victimizes everyone else through no fault of his own, like Jack the Ripper, or Jeffrey Dahmer, or Caligula, or perhaps some other killer of your own choice.

There seems to be no better way to end this ongoing soap opera and slog-fest of a murder mystery.

We know they’ll be more dirt in the future, as much as it takes to make a scrimmage, or make us cringe

Tom Brady & his X-Men

 DATELINE:  Showing Finger to Referees

fingers #12 & Twelve Angry Men

Who said you can’t judge a book by its cover?

Tom Brady’s new book features his mug on the cover. It is an up close look at the wonderful results of his diet—when combined with Botox. There is much more than a pretty face here.

We presume this is his game face. It could also be the face that launched a thousand slot receivers.

Yet, by the second game of the season, the face had eyes that defied conventional vision. Tom Brady sees things few mortals can discern

He made an appalling pass that was intercepted. However, he immediately made a gesture of two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other—waving at the referees.

Yes, he saw twelve men on the field and was calling it to the attention of the officials for review. Of course, they missed it—but the television cameras and replay confirmed what no one else saw: Brady demoralized the New Orleans team with his super powers.

Even aging superstars are better than mortal men. It leads us to ask again who this strange visitor to our planet is.  Like ET, Brady will touch a whole bunch of new young receivers—and create another cadre of stargate receivers.

He may have lost his primary group through the ugly misfortune of gamma rays emitted from a broken mirror, but he is the epitome of quantam deflated footballs.

Tom could be seen on the sidelines talking to the assistant trainer about his injured Gronk. Never let it be said he is without sentiment.

Gronk may be down on the field again, but we saw him in two new commercials on TV this week. He will rise again.

 

 

Classic Tale of Hockey Returns After a Long Hiatus

DATELINE:  Sordid Sports Fiction

kindlerinkrats

After twenty years and a long time out of print, the best novel on the sport of hockey has returned for readers, new and old. Rink Rats is a shocker still. It’s now an e-book and will be available in paperback soon.

Based on life during one college season during the 1990s, Mike Tortorella’s story continues to be controversial and revealing.  Mobie Monaco, the erstwhile captain of a rag-tag bunch that follows his lead into depths of depravity, narrates his life-story.

With hockey players enjoying a long-established reputation as the wild men of sports, you can certainly expect an adult tale of moral turpitude. Tortorella’s tale is a spiritual journey above all else, whether it is a quest for a championship, or a test of one’s moral character.

The story is built around the effort to commit every deadly sin they can encounter and break every Commandment that is set in stone. All the time there is an interesting parallel to Melville’s voyages. Far more metaphoric, the characters are like rats leaving a sinking ship, but are more familiar as the young players who hang around hockey rinks and become enamored of the lifestyle. This is NOT a young-adult novel.

The original story keeps its freshness and provides insights into the daily life, practice, and play on and off ice that can only come from someone who was there.

You may think the novel will only appeal to a certain fan of a political stripe, but self-knowledge is indeed a dangerous avenue to pursue. We aren’t sure how much of the tale is completely true—and how much of it is so unbelievable as to be utterly true.

These rough-and-tumble players are not figure skaters guilty of icing, but you will experience their notorious escapades. In the final analysis, as Tortorella’s book states, “The great shroud of the ice age rolled on as it rolled five thousand years ago.”  The human condition is indeed timeless as seen in one breathtaking season at a New England college.

 

Murder in Baseball?

DATELINE: Watch That Beanball

Dead St. Louis Cardinal Stuffed into His Locker

They don’t make’em like this anymore.

Death on the Diamond is a murder mystery movie based on Cortland Fitzsimmons’s novel. Set in the early 1930s, it tells the story of the St. Louis Cardinals—yes, the old Gashouse Gang with Dizzy Dean where and when a murder plot could be believed. The film was made in 1934.

You better believe MLB would never approve this script today.

Robert Young (before he knew best as Father and Dr. Marcus Welby) is hotshot pitcher Larry Kelly, one of many suspicious characters. When players start to be murdered during the pennant drive, no one cancels a game. You can lose a bunch from your starting lineup—but winning is contagious.

The show must go on—and so must the baseball game. They don’t even have a moment of silence. We loved those old days. A player may be strangled in the locker room between innings, but batter up!

If this high gloss production from MGM were not enough in glorious black and white, you have Mickey Rooney as the bat boy and Walter Brennan making hot dogs as a vendor. We recommend you don’t put any extra mustard on that dog.

The film is utterly ridiculous and the perfect way to start spring training. You have a greedy, hostile takeover owner ready to bounce the manager by wanting him to lose. You have a couple of players thrown out of the game for gambling. And, don’t forget the Mob that tempts your favorite athlete with women and drink, as well as bribes. And, the local newspaper reporter is no saint.

Uncovering the homicidal maniac is only half the fun, making the tune “Take Me out to the Ball Game” utterly sinister when it plays.

Judge Berman Deflates NFL Attorney

 DATELINE: What is Fair?

Featured image Man of the Hour

At the second hearing Judge Richard Berman dropped bomb after bomb on the heads of the NFL. The palace guard of Roger Goodell seemed shell-shocked and unable to respond.

The favorite response of Mr. Goodell’s lawyer was to defer to the Commissioner’s good judgment. However, that Goodell wisdom seemed a tad on the cockamamie side.

Wow, with an attorney like that, Mr. Goodell ought to book passage to the next gulag for his vacation spot.

Like many in Boston, Judge Berman was curious as to how the NFL equated deflating balls to using steroids and performance enhancing drugs. The answers seemed not to satisfy His Honor.

He also wanted to know what portion of the four game suspension was for obstruction and what part for deflation. The NFL attorney could not say. It was Commissioner Goodell’s discretion.

The Judge also pointed out he could vacate this suspension if he thought the NFL withheld the union’s right to question a witness (meaning NFL editor of the Wells Report—Jeff Pash). There was no genuine response, calling Pash “irrelevant” to which the Judge noted: “There are some basic procedures of fairness that have to be followed…. You got to let someone make their case.”

Berman noted, “I believe some arbitration awards have been vacated” because a witness was not allowed to be called without explanation.

Most intriguing, Judge Berman mused, “I don’t see how four games (for deflation, non cooperation) is comparable to using steroids and a masking agent.”

He also wondered, “The next time someone tampers with a ball but cooperates, what suspension would he get?”

On and on it went with the Judge sending a no-nonsense message to Goodell.

If Goodell’s attorney did not run back to tell Roger that he is in big trouble, then the notion that Goodell wants “yes men” all around him cannot be disputed.

Bullygate Now Rises from the Grave to Assist Deflategate

DATELINE: BOUNTYGATE MEETS DEFLATEGATE

Featured image

As Deflategate reaches its acme, the old bugaboo of Bullygate, another NFL mess, has risen from the dead.

Not only has Richie Incognito attacked the Commissioner Roger Goodell as a less than exemplary person, but we now see that one of the coaches of the Miami Dolphins who was fired, based on Ted Wells’s report, is now suing Wells for defamation of character in regard to the Richie Incognito fiasco.

The door is now open for Tom Brady’s inevitable lawsuit.

According to Jim Turner, he was hounded and betrayed by Wells in his report. When he did not give Wells what he wanted, the investigator showed his independent streak by maligning Turner.

“Wells is not a good human being,” states Turner in grand understatement.

Hired as an assassin, Wells knows how to dish out the dirt, however untrue or unfair. He did it to Richie Incognito, Jim Turner, and now he has set his firing mechanism on Brady.

Turner insists that Wells is a man doing whatever his boss wants. He is not fair, nor independent. He was paid $3million dollars to eviscerate Tom Brady.

As the court cases come upon us, they may not be receding any time soon. The tide of anger at injustice by a league that makes oodles of money at the expense of young men may be starting to turn into a tsunami.

Roger Goodell better have his life preserver ready.