Is Cam Newton a Maroon?

DATELINE:  All Routes Lead to Idiocy

cam

In case you have forgotten, Cam Newton reminded you that it’s his picture you find next to the expression “Dumb Jock” in the Encyclopedia of Sports Idiocy.

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Bugs Bunny: “What a maroon!”

Yes, Cam did it again at a press conference. He told everyone how funny it was to hear a female sports reporter talk about routes. Cam’s favorite movie is Where the Boys Are—because he knows the route, having gone that route many times for a few bucks.

Women never talk to Cam about anything of substance. In fact, Cam is more at home with the boys and shop talk where the only playbook he reads is mostly x and o demonstrated.

He is just another pretty face in a bubble head to match his bubble butt.

Cam will never be caught with a pencil behind his ear like a nerd. We doubt that he knows how to hold a pencil or can work anything out on paper.

Yes, Cam is extremely beautiful to look at, but you probably can’t take him many places unless he is on a leash and you have your doggie bag with you.

If football ends tomorrow for the Giant Fig Newton, he can always use those amazing talents to star in gay porn where a giant brain is the least of your worries.

Don’t get us wrong: we find Cam easy on the eyes and we have enough brains for the two of us.

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Patriots First Class Jet Set

DATELINE:  Off They Go into the Wild Blue Yonder

The New England Patriots may look like they are a tank job, but they are soon to be privately airborne.

Yes, the Trump jet has nothing on the AirKraft, owned by Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft who surely took his ideas from flying on Air Force One with President Trump.

The Patriots will take their first road trip in the newest former American Airlines superjet, now fitted to accommodate wide seat players with more leg room and wider seats than you have in normal first-class.

Never mind that the Pats are beginning to look like a bad coach’s idea of a team.

The new Pat jet has enough room for all players, coaches, and hangers-on. There is a lounge area, and even a bedroom for the president: we mean President Kraft as they wend their way to Tampa to play on Thursday.

The jet took out 250 seats and made more luxurious rows for the backfield.

Customized and rebuilt, the new Patriot transportation is better than their defensive unit, that will fly in the tail end, and soon on the wing, according to Bill Belichick, unless they improve.

take off

Tom Brady has a special spot to allow him the space for his retinue (that’s a posse for a near billionaire GOAT).

We await the news on which players will be allowed to sit next to Tom; it’s already a dogfight on the bench at Gillette.

No, we have not heard whether the media will be given accommodations in the cargo hold with the dirty uniforms.

Odd Observations and Unusual Insights on Pats Loss

 

smashing mirror Breaking a Mirror

 

DATELINE:  Tom’s Foolhardy Mirror Smash

It’s a long way from Tipperary to the Super Bowl, and the Patriots were just ambushed out of the gate.

Cursed and crushed, the Patriots lost Super Bowl 52 in the first game of the season.

Roger Goodelle came to Gillette Stadium, saw the Patriots, and conquered the fans.

Off-hand observations soon turned into season-ending injury.

Tom scoffed as he smashed a mirror several months ago. Today, who’s laughing?

After losing Edelman in preseason, the Patriots started the season by losing Edelman’s replacement, Danny Amendola. Then,  you throw in the defensive star Donte Hightower, and your recipe for disaster is complete.

This is not a disaster on the Lines of Harvey or Irma, but make no mistake, a Category 5 hurricane named Fate just blew away the Patriots in their home turf.

It didn’t take long for the new season rot to turn  the Patriotic Belichick alchemy from gold to chaff.

Roger Goodell gave a Boston interview in which he admitted, “I’m not a football expert.” Yes, and he’s paid nearly $30million per year by the NFL.

That will certainly keep his status as no expert in the sport.

Gronk seems like a changed man. Well, anyhow, he appears to have changed his ways. During some runs, we could clearly determine that Gronk wasn’t wearing any underwear. We are not sure what this does for Tom’s advertising job for Under Armor.

As for the replacement seat of Julian Edelman, we noted that the open place on the bench next to Tom Brady was immediately taken by Danny Amendola, though he did not sit as close to Tom as Julie.

With an injury prone seat next to King Tom, no one will want to sit there for the rest of the season.

We began to keep a checklist of how many times the announcing duo mentioned that Tom Brady is 40-years-old. There was also a reference to Ponce de Leon. Next week the word of the day may be retirement.

 

Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

Celtics Send Cousin IT Packing to LeBronWorld

DATELINE:  $$ Talks to Celtics

 Thomas & Tom In Happier Days

Wowie Zowie, the Celtics are not letting the Patriots run for another championship without a Boston competition. We may have to renew our season tickets to the Celtics this year.

It now appears that Isaiah Thomas, Cousin IT himself, who has worked assiduously to improve the team and lure free agents to Boston, now is being sent to the glue factory in Cleveland. He became a folkhero for playing a day after his sister died–and his just reward has come in payback form.

Yes, Cleveland’s the place where both Kyrie Irving and LeBron James want to escape from more than ever.  It is tantamount to Napoleon’s exile island.

Thomas reportedly has a bad hip. As any senior citizen can tell you, a bad hip is the first indication that a nursing home in Cleveland may be on your itinerary.

Kyrie Irving will come to Green-land where Brad Stevens is the coach of choice for superstars who want to be appreciated.

Together with Gordon Hayward, we may have quite new 2007 dream team when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett showed up and chewed up the league.

Now we understand why Danny Ainge held off on bringing Hayward to Boston for a dog and pony show. He had another big star in the wings to join in the fun. Whether another big star may be in the offing seems unlikely, but this is now the year of unexpected Trumps, and not always in bridge.

We still wonder where the big men are, as Danny keeps dispatching them to Westworld, or some other limbo.

If Kevin McHale is not coming out of retirement, perhaps we will yet see Kevin Durant in green. In the meantime, the Boston Celtics ask, “What have you done for us lately?”

 

 

 

Julian Edelman’s Hairless Chipmunk

 JULIAN Julie after

BEFORE & AFTER SHAVE

While Tom Brady went on a world tour without his teammate Julian Edelman, the slot receiver created his own buzz.

Together with his own follower, Danny Amendola, the two close friends went to Mexico to learn how to wrestle. And, upon returning, won the notoriety that comes with being a nude inlay spread for ESPN’s naked athlete edition.

Posing in capes and masks may seem like child’s play, but ever since growing that mangy beard, Julie needed to compensate for something.

Now, our crack investigative skills have solved the mystery. We examined “before and after pix” of the twelve-packed short receiver in a variety of poses. We are now ready to deliver the fake news of the week.

It seems likely that Julie E and his constant donut companion Danny A have taken up the painful hobby of full body waxing.

It has paid off with an in tandem photo shoot with another Boston pipsqueak: Isaiah Thomas who bares all his tattoos in the upcoming ESPN Body Issue 2017.

Julie has spared himself the pain and agony, not of defeat, but of ink blots. Thomas, on the other shoulder and arm, has not. Both men have kept the Inkster away from their keester. Thank you, ESPN, for this salient bit of real news.

For months, Julian Edelman dropped hints that he had dropped his pantaloons for ESPN’s notorious nude issue. This year, following Gronk in 2012, five years earlier, Julie E flaunted and teased, his modus operandi in many spheres of life.

This time, he took with him another Boston superstar and admirer of Tom Brady: the chipmunk of the NBA, the effervescent Isaiah Thomas, a diminutive scoring machine of the Boston Celtics.

Both men are small for their sport, but normal in all matters not requiring mental agility and physical freakishness. Now they share the glow of healthy skin in a nude magazine spread.

It’s that glow of skin that has amused us: it was not always that way. We never forget a follicle, even if Tom Brady has had them transplanted from below his head. And now, hirsute Julie E.

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Belichick Blows Smoke Screen

DATELINE: Nearer to Thy Maker in Pittsburgh, Thanks to Mad Magazine

two-cigars

 

Pittsaburger has lost its Rothlisberger for the Patriots game. Hold that ketchup.

Mere mortals might worry that their team was in jeopardy of losing to the Brady Vindication Tour, but not those meatheads from Pittsburgh.

The Steelers have lost their quarterback for this game—and the Patriots have lost their iPad knockoffs. In far worse news, Wednesday was the last day to register to vote in the upcoming MMA bout between Trump and Clinton.

The NFL marquee matchup has lost its luster. You saw more action in the 21st century version of the Lincoln-Douglas debacle debate between the Trumpeter and the Hildebeest.

ESPN, the alleged network that made up Deflategate, now claims the Patriots are dirtier than a presidential campaign, asserting the Pats play is dirtiest in NFL.  Do these guys ever watch games?

How worried is Swami Bill?  This week, historical for those nasty debates and a charity dinner that Clinton and Trump turned most uncharitable, also marked the longest pregame press conference ever held by the Head Coach.

Yup, the laconic HC turned loquacious for once. He even extended his required NFL time with the press because he was feeling so wordy. His staff tried to pull him off-stage, but Bill stayed with the ones he loved: his media buds. He took a couple of additional questions.

If he wanted to portray an air of ease and charm, he came off like a tanned and rested Richard Nixon. He talked football history and coaches he admired. It was enough to send shivers into Pittsburgh.

If Belichick had lit up a Red Auerbach (the legendary Celtics coach always puffed on a stogie before the final buzzer when he felt confident) victory Cuban cigar at the podium, it would have had the same effect.

In the immortal words of Alfred E. Neumann, “What? Me worry?”

Boston Celtics New Season of Also-Rans

DATELINE: Nothing Doing

doomsday twilight zone

You could say the Boston Celtics chose the wrong day, wrong place, and wrong year to open their pre-season. They were in Amherst, Massachusetts, but it was a home game for the Philadelphia team.

It was the night when the two vice presidential candidates debated—and still the Celtics could not draw more than 4000 fans in the big Mass. College town.

The vanilla ice cream personalities of the player candidates seemed to mock their career bending decisions to defend their deplorable running mates. Talk about a basket full of bad omens. We think we are talking basketball, right?

Hurricane Matthew just blew through devastated Haiti with 140mph winds and 40 inches of rain, on the way to canceling political events in Florida and the east coast of the United States. Only issues of transgender bathrooms can cancel basketball games.

The Celtics were overshadowed by the Red Sox preparing to go into the post-season, and the Patriots preparing to start the GOAT QB after four weeks in Elba.

It was a night when Tom Brady posted a photo of himself in a t-shirt urging David Ortiz to reverse his retirement decision. Tom seemed not to notice you can’t put toothpaste back into the squeezed tube, or pump air into a career season clearly over.

It was the place where the Celtics imitated a 1960s team that shocked the nation by locking arms during the National Anthem. They did it again, this time to show America was together in black and white.

They obviously didn’t see the vice presidential candidates rent the nation in a way even Solomon couldn’t put back together. The nation’s proverbial baby has gone out with the bathwater. Humpty Dumpty, help us.

The Celtics lost the game, and the media insisted it was a new start with great players. The witnesses to corroborate this ran from few to none, being preoccupied with life elsewhere.

Basketball players looked like odd men out on this night.

 

 

 

Clinton/Curry Versus Trump/LeBron

DATELINE:  Winners Take the Cake

enough already

                                                   NOT BIRD & MAGIC

You may have noticed that the negative feelings toward the presidential candidates, Hilary and Donald, rival the negative feelings toward the presumptive NBA champs, Steph and LeBron.

It’s a negative year for sure.

Curry may be a media darling, but he has worn out his welcome. And LeBron has always been insufferable. It should remind you about the way the media handles Clinton and Trump.

In the NBA Finals, the referees are the objective arbiters of winning and losing. Heaven help us! We already saw these zebras lay the groundwork for a Curry victory in the semi-finals, though the NBA claims their games are not fixed.

We can’t imagine the presidential election being fixed, though we think the media has played the role of NBA referees with all the aplomb of fixers.

Who voted for the referees?

We have only ourselves to blame if the more unpopular candidate becomes president. The process has been fixed by super-delegates.

We are sick of Curry and James enough to expect them to become running mates for Clinton and Trump. That would make for a ticket with a price higher than a court-side seat for Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

The winner of the Curry-LeBron battle will come soon. And they both will go into oblivion for the rest of the summer, not soon enough. They are not Bird & Magic, and won’t be having any Broadway plays written about their friendship/rivalry.

In the presidential race, the losing candidate will go into oblivion forever—but we will be stuck with the winner for four more years.

 

Curse of the Bambino Haunts the Celtics

DATELINE:  A-Rod Spoils the Night

 Jacoby Returns

The curse of the Bambino hit the Celtics and eliminated them in the playoffs this season.

Yes, you had only to look at the New York Yankees who came to the playoff game to realize the Celts were dead meat. If the Yanks can do in the Red Sox annually, the Celtics end up as an appetizer.

Who let them in?

So, with the Yankees coming to Fenway Park on Friday for the first series of the season against the Red Sox, you had several Yankees coming to the last game of the season for the Celtics.

You be the judge.

There in the front row, inexplicably a fan of someone somewhere, was A-Rod. Yes, the loathed Alex Rodriguez of the Yanks was at a Celtics game, smiling and spreading his own brand of joie de vivre for Atlanta fans.

To see A-Rod in fine fettle across the court from Bill Russell, you wondered what voodoo would outdo the doo-doo.

Yet, it was worse. The Prodigal Son of the Red Sox showed up in a luxury box, high above the rafters. Yes, there he was in all his splendor, Jacoby Ellsbury, former Red Sox star of the future, and now Yankee bench-rider of the present. He too was a happy camper, waving at the crowd from his perch where the Atlanta Hawks might have an aerie.

The Celtics were doomed from the opening tip-off. The Bambino sent his minions to another sport in Boston—and sent the Celtics off to the golf courses of America for another summer.

 

Marcus Smart’s Crotch Problem

DATELINE: Crotchety Smart

Marcus Smart of the Celtics was fined $15,000 for an obscene gesture aimed at the referees. Please, don’t shoot with the itchy trigger finger.

In a world of endless and myriad ways to convey an obscene gesture, we are usually left with a startling image in the highlight reel. However, no NBA videotape has been allowed to surface.

And, the reason is that Smart did something stupid. He grabbed his crotch. If there is a word seldom heard in the NBA, it is scrotum.

For the most part, everyone refers to balls. The bigger the better.

Now that seems miniscule in the scheme of big boys playing.

For all we know, poor Marcus Smart suffers daily from jock itch. It is entirely possible the ball passed to him was not properly dusted with Gold Bond Powder in the pregame rituals. Hence, he grabbed the offending part of his body.

He got game, and maybe he got crabs.

We hate to think of the heartbreak of psoriasis being at the root of Smart’s groin problem. Perhaps it is far worse than crabs. Maybe Marcus has scabies. There is an alarming crisis among scabies—and that pompadour ‘do with the golden tips is a sort of motel for those pesky pests.

In a world of mighty mites, the smaller men are known for ball handling—and perhaps he had a fistful of cooties in his flowing and airy pantaloons.

We can only think of the old adage about the crotch was full of fleas.

Is there no sympathy in the NBA for a young man suffering from overly active rash? Powder or liquid, Smart’s pubic requirement is Tinactin.

Gronk To Host TV Series

DATELINE: Believe It or Not


 

Gronk is going small.

Instead of signing a contract to play the next James Bond (not as far-fetched as it seems), Gronk has decided to tackle the small screen as a series host on cable television.

Celebrities as hosts of paranormal shows is standard, but Gronk intends to be the star of Crashletes, a show that cheaply will take YouTube moments of young athletes in bone-crushing moments of hilarity. It’s right up his alley.

The show will demand that Gronk use all his wit and wisdom to comment on the clips that will be shown on the Nickolodeon network, indicating that Gronk’s audience will be voters in about ten years. And Gronk does not need to wear zebra stripe pants to find attention.

This should mean when Gronk is ready to go big screen, his young followers will have the means and motives to follow him. We would not be surprised to see Gronk run for president in 2028. If Trump can do it, so can Gronk.

Gronk has clearly found his métier in the show business realm. He has done various talk shows as a personality, and his TV commercials are always entertaining. He calls himself one-take Gronkowski because he hits his marks and never flubs (who could tell the difference?) when he performs.

We have always contended that Gronk’s movie career as a kind of Terminator is down the road after he plays out being a tight end for New England. Already he has expanded his fan base far beyond New England, football, and youngsters.

The only impediment would be a stint in AA, but come to think of it—that has never been an impediment in show business.

More Baloney from Fox Sports on Brady and Kraft

DATELINE: Liberal Fox Sports?

Fox Sports Dunking the Tea Party?

 

For those with an interest in believe it or don’t, Fox Sports struck out again with a new way to insult Patriot fans and attack Tom Brady and his owner.

Some writer called Arielle Aronson, a pseudonym if you ever chose one, complained that Patriot fans were incensed that Robert Kraft and Tom Brady consider Donald Trump a friend.

Now, the article went on to interview a handful of voters from the “liberal leaning fan base” of the Patriots to criticize Tom and Kraft for not studying the issues or disappointing their fans.

Of course, the writer failed to notice that Trump won in Massachusetts with about 50% of the vote. It seems like there are fewer liberal leaners in Massachusetts than in horseshoes.

People angry with the system seem to support Trump—and Deflategate seems to make many fans angry with the system of the NFL.

Kraft and Brady did not actually express support for Trump, nor did they claim to vote for him. They said he was an intensely loyal friend who had stood by them in dark days, which was greatly appreciated.

Why would that incense Patriot fans? The sort of people this writer spoke to (if they aren’t her relatives) probably are not football fans (Neanderthals to liberals) or Patriot fans (who can’t tell a tea party from a Tea Party bag).

A few anti-Trump people feared that Brady and Kraft had unusual powers over the weak-willed fans and could influence the way they vote.

So, this resulted in a headline worthy of our best trolling efforts that claimed fans were blasting the Patriots.