Gronk & His $$$$

DATELINE:  Man & Myth

re-stolen jersey

Gronk Down for Count

Notable New England Patriot cheapskate Gronk will lose at least $280,000 if he is suspended for the next game. As you might guess, this is anathema to a man who never touches his salary and lives off his endorsement money.

Far worse, he is due for bonus money based on the number of catches and touchdowns. Losing a game means big bucks down the drain.  And yet, this may be the silver lining of a man who has now created a reputation for playing dirty.

Why suddenly did Gronk decide to pile drive a Buffalo Bill in front of his family and friends? They were all present to see the hometown boy and Bills fan of his youth.

Perhaps he thought it was in the tradition of being thrown onto tables during tailgate parties (a big, brainless tradition in Buffalo where friends throw a drunken nitwit onto a burning table to watch his back break).

So, as you might expect, Fiesta Gronk is making an appeal not to be suspended for pile-driving the man who intercepted the pass meant for Gronk. He put the Buffalo Bill 1 foot into the ground. The poor schmuck, number 27, now has a concussion. When King Kong steps on you, you are usually dead. He should count his blessings.

Whether Ebenezer Gronk will recover his money or will have to do more Dunkin’ Donuts commercials ad nauseum, only commissioner Godell and his Fair Play for Cuba Committee knows for sure.

Instead this gives ground got unpaid vacation, and it gives him time to prepare for the bigger game into weeks with the Steelers. We are sure smarter heads will tell Gronk to take the suspension.

Dare we say this to Gronk? It’s only money.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Patriot Volcanoes Erupt in Buffalo

DATELINE: Tom & Gronk Blow Up

 Everyone expected the Pats to blow away the new Buffalo Bills. Never did we expect to see Tom Brady and Gronk give twin eruptions. It was as if Twin Peaks suddenly had two live volcanoes.

First, step by step, Niagara Falls may be Gronk’s hometown where hundreds of fans are there just to see him, but a funny thing happened during the game. Gronk fell off the high wall and may well be suspended for a game.

All that practice with the WWE has paid off: unsportsmanlike conduct welled to the surface after Gronk was slandered, hazed, libeled, and picked on, by the various Buffalo defenders. In a fit of pique, Gronk blew his top like Mt. St. Helens.

It was a landslide to see, but likely will cost the parsimonious Gronk a few bucks—and give him a week to rest up before he faces the dreaded Pittsburgh Steelers in a marquee bout.

As for Tom Brady, he blew up on the sidelines at his closest non-playing pal on the team: his offensive coach Josh McDaniels. Apparently, Josh made an off-hand comment that was indeed offensive to Brady.

The slow burn turned into a curse-laden tirade. Babe and Tommy sat slightly apart from the rest of the quarter and ignored each other. Usually you could not fit a piece of paper between them as the pored over the iPad replays tete-a-tete.

Second half someone must have sent roses because Tom was a new man—and the offense had new life. Though Brady had no touchdowns for the rest of the game, he was talking to Josh again.

Thank heavens. We deplore domestic violence and don’t want to see trouble in paradise.

Gronk & Turkey in the Straw

DATELINE: Too Many Cooks

 photo by Matt Stonephoto by Matt Stone

As rare as a 1916 Mercury-D dime, the Patriots had an impromptu TD celebration.  And, the star of the show was the only man who would dare to stand up to Head Coach Bill Belichick:  no, not Tom Brady.

It was the inimitable Gronk. He usually spikes the ball with great elan. We have been in awe of the fact that for his entire career, he is the only Patriot with the chutzpah to commit such an act within the view of the Scrooge-like coach.

The NFL has now allowed hare-brained celebrations in the endzone after scoring. We have seen leap frog played. We have seen Oddsmell Beckham doing his dog duty impression. However, no Patriot dared to speak the love of celebration.

We must call attention to the Turkey Trot of Brandin Cooks, who jumped on Gronk’s back and rode the Big Pony back to the sidelines in celebration. We swear that Cooks has a 26-inch waist and weighs less than 185 pounds. For Gronk it was like picking up one of those Victoria Secret models for a magazine cover.

You may have missed Gronk being ridden like Seabiscuit by Brandin Cooks, but Bill Belichick emerged like Godzilla from the depths to spit fire over this so-called celebration.

Since Brady never made him those biscuits for Thanksgiving, Gronk gave us his own version of The Original Biscuit Eater.

Alas, after the game Gronk was not allowed to talk about his venture into the realm of happy feet.  In fact, he admitted that the man who won’t allow office parties at Xmas with x’s and o’s, yelled at Gronk for his display

Don’t expect Gronk to join in any reindeer games this season. He won’t even be allowed to give thanks for a touchdown.

Not only was his nose red after the celebration, but his entire face was red. All the better to see inside the dark and gloomy dog house that Coach Belichick built for such players who go about with a Merry TD on their lips.

If Belichick had his way, such players would be buried in the endzone like Jimmy Hoffa, in cement overshoes up to his eyeballs.

So, the Turkey Trot of Gronk was not cooked up by Cooks in the backroom of the holiday luncheonette. It was spontaneous, but nevertheless, it was verboten.

Danny & Julian Go Global with Their Song & Dance

DATELINE: Bubbling Juices

Road to OblivionLike Watching Home Movies of Your Cousins

Notable YouTube videographer Julian Edelman was at it on the NFL Network this time.

During the summer, the NFL and Patriots decided to send two Abbott & Costello-style players to Mexico to pave the way for this week’s big international game South of the Border.

Who might better represent insanity in sports than Julian Edelman and his partner in crime Danny Amendola?

One of them might be sufficient, but two is a handful. It was like watching the reincarnation of Hope and Crosby on the Road to Oblivion.

As would-be media stars and Internet splashers, the twin Patriots chose to direct a short film of their experiences. Alas, for Julie, an injury in preseason has knocked him out for the year. Yet, he was the right man for the job of public relations in Mexico with his other slotty receiver/Zoolander model wannabe.

A giant crowd greeted them like conquistadors, and Julian noted he felt like a Beatle.

They bickered about what to include in their four-day sojourn on NFL Network’s home movie—and decided on failed pranks on each other, a bout with professional wrestlers, visiting restaurants and eating crickets, as well as taking a balloon ride over the City of the Gods, ruins of pyramids.

Perhaps the greatest wonder is that Edelman managed to finish the entire film without once mentioning Tom Brady.

He and his comic partner, often referred to as Nofundola, seemed to have more fun than a honeymoon couple deserves. Julian even sings while Danny strums on the guitar.

In one episode, Edelman was reluctant to enter a lion’s den with Amendola and would have preferred, he said, to pet a GOAT—was that a sly reference to Tom?  Amendola dominated his matchmate and has his bucket list fulfilled.

At one point Julian noted his “juices were bubbling” in a wrestling match with Danny.

At another event, they seemed about to crash their mile-high balloon, and Julian was a tad uncomfortable that the hot air had no control. They also raced up the stairs of ancient pyramids where people had their hearts cut out, oblivious to history.

The best moment came when Danny ate a cricket appetizer and notes its good taste, but Julian looked like he would like to spit it out, but the camera was rolling.

Is Cam Newton a Maroon?

DATELINE:  All Routes Lead to Idiocy

cam

In case you have forgotten, Cam Newton reminded you that it’s his picture you find next to the expression “Dumb Jock” in the Encyclopedia of Sports Idiocy.

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Bugs Bunny: “What a maroon!”

Yes, Cam did it again at a press conference. He told everyone how funny it was to hear a female sports reporter talk about routes. Cam’s favorite movie is Where the Boys Are—because he knows the route, having gone that route many times for a few bucks.

Women never talk to Cam about anything of substance. In fact, Cam is more at home with the boys and shop talk where the only playbook he reads is mostly x and o demonstrated.

He is just another pretty face in a bubble head to match his bubble butt.

Cam will never be caught with a pencil behind his ear like a nerd. We doubt that he knows how to hold a pencil or can work anything out on paper.

Yes, Cam is extremely beautiful to look at, but you probably can’t take him many places unless he is on a leash and you have your doggie bag with you.

If football ends tomorrow for the Giant Fig Newton, he can always use those amazing talents to star in gay porn where a giant brain is the least of your worries.

Don’t get us wrong: we find Cam easy on the eyes and we have enough brains for the two of us.

Patriots First Class Jet Set

DATELINE:  Off They Go into the Wild Blue Yonder

The New England Patriots may look like they are a tank job, but they are soon to be privately airborne.

Yes, the Trump jet has nothing on the AirKraft, owned by Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft who surely took his ideas from flying on Air Force One with President Trump.

The Patriots will take their first road trip in the newest former American Airlines superjet, now fitted to accommodate wide seat players with more leg room and wider seats than you have in normal first-class.

Never mind that the Pats are beginning to look like a bad coach’s idea of a team.

The new Pat jet has enough room for all players, coaches, and hangers-on. There is a lounge area, and even a bedroom for the president: we mean President Kraft as they wend their way to Tampa to play on Thursday.

The jet took out 250 seats and made more luxurious rows for the backfield.

Customized and rebuilt, the new Patriot transportation is better than their defensive unit, that will fly in the tail end, and soon on the wing, according to Bill Belichick, unless they improve.

take off

Tom Brady has a special spot to allow him the space for his retinue (that’s a posse for a near billionaire GOAT).

We await the news on which players will be allowed to sit next to Tom; it’s already a dogfight on the bench at Gillette.

No, we have not heard whether the media will be given accommodations in the cargo hold with the dirty uniforms.

Odd Observations and Unusual Insights on Pats Loss

 

smashing mirror Breaking a Mirror

 

DATELINE:  Tom’s Foolhardy Mirror Smash

It’s a long way from Tipperary to the Super Bowl, and the Patriots were just ambushed out of the gate.

Cursed and crushed, the Patriots lost Super Bowl 52 in the first game of the season.

Roger Goodelle came to Gillette Stadium, saw the Patriots, and conquered the fans.

Off-hand observations soon turned into season-ending injury.

Tom scoffed as he smashed a mirror several months ago. Today, who’s laughing?

After losing Edelman in preseason, the Patriots started the season by losing Edelman’s replacement, Danny Amendola. Then,  you throw in the defensive star Donte Hightower, and your recipe for disaster is complete.

This is not a disaster on the Lines of Harvey or Irma, but make no mistake, a Category 5 hurricane named Fate just blew away the Patriots in their home turf.

It didn’t take long for the new season rot to turn  the Patriotic Belichick alchemy from gold to chaff.

Roger Goodell gave a Boston interview in which he admitted, “I’m not a football expert.” Yes, and he’s paid nearly $30million per year by the NFL.

That will certainly keep his status as no expert in the sport.

Gronk seems like a changed man. Well, anyhow, he appears to have changed his ways. During some runs, we could clearly determine that Gronk wasn’t wearing any underwear. We are not sure what this does for Tom’s advertising job for Under Armor.

As for the replacement seat of Julian Edelman, we noted that the open place on the bench next to Tom Brady was immediately taken by Danny Amendola, though he did not sit as close to Tom as Julie.

With an injury prone seat next to King Tom, no one will want to sit there for the rest of the season.

We began to keep a checklist of how many times the announcing duo mentioned that Tom Brady is 40-years-old. There was also a reference to Ponce de Leon. Next week the word of the day may be retirement.

 

Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

Celtics Send Cousin IT Packing to LeBronWorld

DATELINE:  $$ Talks to Celtics

 Thomas & Tom In Happier Days

Wowie Zowie, the Celtics are not letting the Patriots run for another championship without a Boston competition. We may have to renew our season tickets to the Celtics this year.

It now appears that Isaiah Thomas, Cousin IT himself, who has worked assiduously to improve the team and lure free agents to Boston, now is being sent to the glue factory in Cleveland. He became a folkhero for playing a day after his sister died–and his just reward has come in payback form.

Yes, Cleveland’s the place where both Kyrie Irving and LeBron James want to escape from more than ever.  It is tantamount to Napoleon’s exile island.

Thomas reportedly has a bad hip. As any senior citizen can tell you, a bad hip is the first indication that a nursing home in Cleveland may be on your itinerary.

Kyrie Irving will come to Green-land where Brad Stevens is the coach of choice for superstars who want to be appreciated.

Together with Gordon Hayward, we may have quite new 2007 dream team when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett showed up and chewed up the league.

Now we understand why Danny Ainge held off on bringing Hayward to Boston for a dog and pony show. He had another big star in the wings to join in the fun. Whether another big star may be in the offing seems unlikely, but this is now the year of unexpected Trumps, and not always in bridge.

We still wonder where the big men are, as Danny keeps dispatching them to Westworld, or some other limbo.

If Kevin McHale is not coming out of retirement, perhaps we will yet see Kevin Durant in green. In the meantime, the Boston Celtics ask, “What have you done for us lately?”

 

 

 

Julian Edelman’s Hairless Chipmunk

 JULIAN Julie after

BEFORE & AFTER SHAVE

While Tom Brady went on a world tour without his teammate Julian Edelman, the slot receiver created his own buzz.

Together with his own follower, Danny Amendola, the two close friends went to Mexico to learn how to wrestle. And, upon returning, won the notoriety that comes with being a nude inlay spread for ESPN’s naked athlete edition.

Posing in capes and masks may seem like child’s play, but ever since growing that mangy beard, Julie needed to compensate for something.

Now, our crack investigative skills have solved the mystery. We examined “before and after pix” of the twelve-packed short receiver in a variety of poses. We are now ready to deliver the fake news of the week.

It seems likely that Julie E and his constant donut companion Danny A have taken up the painful hobby of full body waxing.

It has paid off with an in tandem photo shoot with another Boston pipsqueak: Isaiah Thomas who bares all his tattoos in the upcoming ESPN Body Issue 2017.

Julie has spared himself the pain and agony, not of defeat, but of ink blots. Thomas, on the other shoulder and arm, has not. Both men have kept the Inkster away from their keester. Thank you, ESPN, for this salient bit of real news.

For months, Julian Edelman dropped hints that he had dropped his pantaloons for ESPN’s notorious nude issue. This year, following Gronk in 2012, five years earlier, Julie E flaunted and teased, his modus operandi in many spheres of life.

This time, he took with him another Boston superstar and admirer of Tom Brady: the chipmunk of the NBA, the effervescent Isaiah Thomas, a diminutive scoring machine of the Boston Celtics.

Both men are small for their sport, but normal in all matters not requiring mental agility and physical freakishness. Now they share the glow of healthy skin in a nude magazine spread.

It’s that glow of skin that has amused us: it was not always that way. We never forget a follicle, even if Tom Brady has had them transplanted from below his head. And now, hirsute Julie E.

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Belichick Blows Smoke Screen

DATELINE: Nearer to Thy Maker in Pittsburgh, Thanks to Mad Magazine

two-cigars

 

Pittsaburger has lost its Rothlisberger for the Patriots game. Hold that ketchup.

Mere mortals might worry that their team was in jeopardy of losing to the Brady Vindication Tour, but not those meatheads from Pittsburgh.

The Steelers have lost their quarterback for this game—and the Patriots have lost their iPad knockoffs. In far worse news, Wednesday was the last day to register to vote in the upcoming MMA bout between Trump and Clinton.

The NFL marquee matchup has lost its luster. You saw more action in the 21st century version of the Lincoln-Douglas debacle debate between the Trumpeter and the Hildebeest.

ESPN, the alleged network that made up Deflategate, now claims the Patriots are dirtier than a presidential campaign, asserting the Pats play is dirtiest in NFL.  Do these guys ever watch games?

How worried is Swami Bill?  This week, historical for those nasty debates and a charity dinner that Clinton and Trump turned most uncharitable, also marked the longest pregame press conference ever held by the Head Coach.

Yup, the laconic HC turned loquacious for once. He even extended his required NFL time with the press because he was feeling so wordy. His staff tried to pull him off-stage, but Bill stayed with the ones he loved: his media buds. He took a couple of additional questions.

If he wanted to portray an air of ease and charm, he came off like a tanned and rested Richard Nixon. He talked football history and coaches he admired. It was enough to send shivers into Pittsburgh.

If Belichick had lit up a Red Auerbach (the legendary Celtics coach always puffed on a stogie before the final buzzer when he felt confident) victory Cuban cigar at the podium, it would have had the same effect.

In the immortal words of Alfred E. Neumann, “What? Me worry?”

Boston Celtics New Season of Also-Rans

DATELINE: Nothing Doing

doomsday twilight zone

You could say the Boston Celtics chose the wrong day, wrong place, and wrong year to open their pre-season. They were in Amherst, Massachusetts, but it was a home game for the Philadelphia team.

It was the night when the two vice presidential candidates debated—and still the Celtics could not draw more than 4000 fans in the big Mass. College town.

The vanilla ice cream personalities of the player candidates seemed to mock their career bending decisions to defend their deplorable running mates. Talk about a basket full of bad omens. We think we are talking basketball, right?

Hurricane Matthew just blew through devastated Haiti with 140mph winds and 40 inches of rain, on the way to canceling political events in Florida and the east coast of the United States. Only issues of transgender bathrooms can cancel basketball games.

The Celtics were overshadowed by the Red Sox preparing to go into the post-season, and the Patriots preparing to start the GOAT QB after four weeks in Elba.

It was a night when Tom Brady posted a photo of himself in a t-shirt urging David Ortiz to reverse his retirement decision. Tom seemed not to notice you can’t put toothpaste back into the squeezed tube, or pump air into a career season clearly over.

It was the place where the Celtics imitated a 1960s team that shocked the nation by locking arms during the National Anthem. They did it again, this time to show America was together in black and white.

They obviously didn’t see the vice presidential candidates rent the nation in a way even Solomon couldn’t put back together. The nation’s proverbial baby has gone out with the bathwater. Humpty Dumpty, help us.

The Celtics lost the game, and the media insisted it was a new start with great players. The witnesses to corroborate this ran from few to none, being preoccupied with life elsewhere.

Basketball players looked like odd men out on this night.

 

 

 

Clinton/Curry Versus Trump/LeBron

DATELINE:  Winners Take the Cake

enough already

                                                   NOT BIRD & MAGIC

You may have noticed that the negative feelings toward the presidential candidates, Hilary and Donald, rival the negative feelings toward the presumptive NBA champs, Steph and LeBron.

It’s a negative year for sure.

Curry may be a media darling, but he has worn out his welcome. And LeBron has always been insufferable. It should remind you about the way the media handles Clinton and Trump.

In the NBA Finals, the referees are the objective arbiters of winning and losing. Heaven help us! We already saw these zebras lay the groundwork for a Curry victory in the semi-finals, though the NBA claims their games are not fixed.

We can’t imagine the presidential election being fixed, though we think the media has played the role of NBA referees with all the aplomb of fixers.

Who voted for the referees?

We have only ourselves to blame if the more unpopular candidate becomes president. The process has been fixed by super-delegates.

We are sick of Curry and James enough to expect them to become running mates for Clinton and Trump. That would make for a ticket with a price higher than a court-side seat for Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

The winner of the Curry-LeBron battle will come soon. And they both will go into oblivion for the rest of the summer, not soon enough. They are not Bird & Magic, and won’t be having any Broadway plays written about their friendship/rivalry.

In the presidential race, the losing candidate will go into oblivion forever—but we will be stuck with the winner for four more years.