Yes, Tom Brady Wants Out of New England

DATELINE: Better to Receive than Deceive 

 Unimpeachable Source?

If you listen to the experts in Boston sports, apart from us, you have learned this week that Tom Brady is greasing the skids to slide out of town at season’s end.

Tom knows which way the wind blows:  and it is blowing westward toward the San Andreas fault, where Tom can shake the earth on his own terms.

We must agree with the details that Tom Brady is done in Boston, though the bigger picture may be smaller.

It seems that Tom has two reasons to leave: and they are Bill Belichick and Robert Kraft, both of whom have left him stranded without a receiving corps in an annual denuding of first-rate players. Whenever Tom finds someone to his liking, that player is sent packing for reasons usually salary-related.

And Tom remains among the lowest paid superstars at QB position. Taking a hit for the team has grown tiresome for Tom.

It may be that Tom wants to prove, finally, in his golden years, that it is he, not Belichick, who won six Super Bowls.  If New England wants a seventh, he may provide it on the way out. The door may slam on someone’s ass—but it won’t be Tom. Bill Belichick will stay on. Perhaps Josh McDaniel, beloved Babe, will follow out west.

Tom can win two or three more Super Bowls playing for the Raiders in his hometown. Fifty may be the new retirement goal.

Then again, Tommy—and Belichick too—want to show they never needed the other to win the next SB. Unfortunately, they both do need each other—and only will a final separation prove it to them and to the world. Belichick will hold on until his son can become the new King of the Patriots coaching corps.

For New England fans it will be too late and a bitter pill. Tom doesn’t love you anymore.

In the meantime, Tom snipes at the Boston press—whom he has grown to dislike more than ever—and he and his best friend-trainer, the Svengali of TB12 methodology—have put their Massachusetts homes up for sale in prep for the next season in Oakland.

Yes, you can go home, Tom. And Boston was never home, even after 20 years of suffering through fame and fortune, bad weather and a hundred-fold of receivers.

Videographer & Funnyman Julian Edelman Also Plays Ball

DATELINE: Smoothie King

Julian Edelman obviously wants to put sports humorists out of business.

As a secondary matter to his Patriotic vigor, he is an adept filmmaker. His latest effort is a parody of Star Wars, which he calls Star Pats. In it, the voice over identifies his “father”—Bill Belichick! It also notes his sister, and we see the back of Tom Brady walking the tunnel to the field. He seems to cast himself as some kind of Chewbacca, though that role ought to go to Gronk.

Hmmm. We are not sure whether Belichick is meant to be Han Solo or Darth Vader. And, Brady makes for a rather undainty princess. We leave the metapors to Edelman’s imagination. We will not follow in his footsteps (which may be a first for Ossurworld).

Often known his hijinks and lowjinks, a furtive groper of the first order in the lockerroom, we also were shocked, shocked, shocked, to see one of his bimbo pickups posting a photo of Julian in restful repose in bed after a vigorous game of bedposts.

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We cannot say whether we are more distressed than he has pursued a hobby of bimbos or that he made choice in the other direction of “either/or” matters of carnal knowledge.

Edelman is responsible for a number of byzantine videos on YouTube, including a few on “smoothies.” (Tom Brady doesn’t “have time” to do a best friend video, Edelman snorts.) Shane Vereen, however, asks him if that is a banana phone in his pocket. Punter Ryan Allen seems to take the butt of the joke role in all the vids.

Humor has gone to the slot receiving dogs.