Brain Bankruptcy of Aaron Hernandez

DATELINE:  CTE, or Water on the Brain

abby Normal

The lawyer of Aaron Hernandez has just come out and said that Hernandez had what is essentially in the old-fashioned term of ‘severe water on the brain.’

By today’s standards this is called CTE and is brain degeneration caused by repeated concussions. Scientists and researchers call Hernandez one of the worst cases they had ever seen in such a young man.  It now seems the death findings on Hernandez may be the best deodorant for him and his murderous rage.

Yes, the concussions made him do it.

According to the VA-BU Brain Bank (no, we did not make this up), the 27-year-old former New England Patriot football player had the brain of a 67-year-old man. This is not good news if you’re a senior citizen on Social Security. It’s not good news if you are Roger Goodell. It’s not good news when the Patriots face a lawsuit.

Hernandez was in Stage III of CTE, out of four stages. His brain was undergoing some severe atrophy. This resulted in aggression, explosive behavior, out of control impulses, forgetfulness, depression, and other assorted cognitive changes. That just about covers it, short of murder and suicide.

As a consequence of this, attorney Jose Baez is suing the Patriots and the NFL on the behalf of Aaron Hernandez’s little daughter.

Who could not have sympathy for his three strikes of rage and murder if it’s all caused by playing football in the NFL?

So, it now seems that Aaron Hernandez is the ultimate victim.

In our 21st century twisted logic, this is someone who victimizes everyone else through no fault of his own, like Jack the Ripper, or Jeffrey Dahmer, or Caligula, or perhaps some other killer of your own choice.

There seems to be no better way to end this ongoing soap opera and slog-fest of a murder mystery.

We know they’ll be more dirt in the future, as much as it takes to make a scrimmage, or make us cringe

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Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

New England Patriots Stuck in a Time Warp

DATELINE:  Sports Humor

 

 

 Has the Grinch stolen the Patriots Super Bowl 50?

Roger Goodell is smiling ear-to-ear this week.

For the better part of 17 years, fans of football have thought Bill Belichick was the Grinch, but now he is clearly off the hook. Scrooge, yes. Grinch, no.

We suppose that Cam Newton is wearing his Grinch outfit this year, pretender to the throne. If you want a throwback to Tom Brady a decade ago, Cam Newton is your clone. Send in the clones.

Apparently Tom Brady has used up his three wishes—and now the evil sorcerer Roger Goodell is about to drop a house on the Patriots candidate for the Ponce de Leon Award.

Watching the Patriots lose a second game in a row has been like trying to finish a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, only to discover a key piece in dead center is missing.

The genie in the bottle has popped out, if not pooped out, and stolen Tom’s magical flying carpet.

Some smart-aleck trolls on the Internet have taken to saying that it’s time for the Patriots to start cheating again. On our part we have never considered using the supernatural to win the Super Bowl to be anything but a quantum physics.

However, it’s beginning to look like Sergeant Pepper’s Band has abandoned the Patriots just as the Magical Mystery Tour is about to commence.

If, as Bill Belichick has often said, December is when the real season begins, the Patriots have reverse engineered 2015. Belichick’s Delororean has four flat tires and an ejection seat that hits the door on the way out

You begin to wonder if Roger Goodell exposed Tom Brady to the Hope Diamond.

 

 

NFL Puts Lips Together & Blows

whistlegate

DATELINE: WHISTLEGATE

That’s Buffalo Bob’s Bills, Howdy Doody Rexy.

The Bills have come due—and whether Belichick has cash on hand, or credit up his hoodie sleeve only the four quarters will tell. Magician T-Rex Ryan plans on pulling quarters out of Tom Brady’s nose.

T-Rex’s defensive attack tormented Tom Brady, but truly befuddled the officiating crew, one of the worst Roger Goodell could send to Foxboro.

The big game did not test the ability to stay up late. It was paranoid fun.  It does test the ability to rise on Tuesday morning to work as per usual, but it sent Patriot fans into a frenzy of paranoia beyond their usual fringe.

Inadvertent Whistlegate showed up on Goodell’s doorstep screaming like a newborn banshee. Yes, blame the NFL for Whistle-gate.

Every game is different—and blowing out the Bills, a la the earlier game, may be like blowing smoke rings. You can’t have a Super Bowl ring unless you can blow smoke rings around your most arrogant and semi-talented opponents. The NFL just blew their whistles like Lauren Bacall did to Bogie.

Between the referees’ attempts to throw the game back to the Bison, Belichick prevailed—and the sight of Rex Ryan throwing an F-laden tirade on the sidelines made the game a classic of ineptitude.

Former Pat Rodney Harrison has said he hoped the Patriots would lose this one in order to relieve the pressure on them for a perfect season. It’s like wondering if the Patriot O-rings resemble the old NASA problem. We know the inevitable is closer than ever after last night’s victorious fiasco.

The Bills have been sent to clean the outhouse for another season, and they ought to be joined by the so-called officiating crew.

If South Carolina Can Take Down a Flag…

DATELINE: Deflate-gate, the Cartoon

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Goodell & Kraft Pitch New Deflategate Cartoon to Disney CEO 

The South removed its Confederate flag this week. We expect that the NFL can drop an overblown and under-inflated penalty against Tom Brady. The answer is no longer blowing in the wind. The Confederate flag has been shipped to a museum.

Of course, New England is not South Carolina. And Roger Goodell is not exactly a rocket scientist.

When faced with a genuine horrible person, namely one Greg Hardy, the NFL initially suspended him ten games. He has guns, been convicted of assault and battery on a girlfriend, and now he has bamboozled Roger Goodell.

Instead of ten games, the suspension was dropped to four games.

Ah, that number again. Roger has played that number at roulette more often than any other. Every suspension nowadays is four games, no matter what the infraction.

Take the dastardly Tom Brady who let one pound of air out of a football. He has been portrayed in the media as the new Shylock, and there is only Jeffrey Kessler pleading for the quality of mercy.

Roger Goodell is the Shylock in this play. When you let Greg Hardy, a thug and arrogant twit, walk and likely commit another assault down the road, you have an imbecile wearing a blindfold while he metes out justice.

Yeah, blindness is a plus in football.

Do we expect a 60% drop in Tom’s suspension when Goodell manages to read the tea leaves? That would put Tom down to one and a half games.

We hear the court docket moving with all deliberate speed toward the Supreme Court of the land and wheels of justice turning as they run over Roger Goodell.

Et Tu, Brutus–and Ted Wells Too

DATELINE: Wells at Work

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Ted Wells reminds us of Brutus after he had stabbed Julius Caesar in the back.

“Romans, countrymen, and lovers! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honor, and have respect to mine honor, that
you may believe: close your mind and ignore science and facts, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
“If there be any in this lynch mob, any dear friend of
Tom Brady, to him I say, that Goodell’s love for Tom Brady
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Ted Wells rose against the Patriots, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Tom Brady less, but that I loved
an hourly retainer for my services more.

“Had you rather Brady were not suspended and
we all live in a state of deflation, than that Tom Brady is gone, to give
other teams a chance to win?

“If Tom Brady loves football, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
valiant, I honor him: but, as he was ambitious, I
deflated him.

“There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honor for his valor; and deflation for his
career. Who is here so base that would be a
referee? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be an agent? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his hometown team? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

“Then none of importance have I offended. If you are a Patriot fan, tough luck. I have done no more to
Tom Brady than you shall do to Ted Wells.

“The question of his suspension is enrolled in the NFL Park Ave offices; his glory not extenuated, wherein he was worthy, but he will never go into the Hall of Fame if there is another paid word in me.”