Montezuma’s Revenge on the Patriots?

 DATELINE: Over Trump’s Wall

 smashing mirror

All this week the New England Patriots have been in Mexico City, preparing for the big game on Sunday. Coach Bill Belichick is in heaven: he has avoided the New England media all week while in Mexico. For all we know, he may have been in Puerto Viagra, enjoying the sites.

It’s possible but coach Bill Belichick is worried about Montezuma‘s Revenge, which bears a strange resemblance to Roger Goodell’s Revenge. At the very least the Oakland Raiders, the opponents of the Trump Patriots, have played in Mexico City last year and may have a very large fan base among those on the wrong side of the Trump Wall.

We look with great expectation to see if the enormous crowd is that greeted Julian Edelman and Danny and Mendola this summer in the public relations video movie are indicative of Patriots’ support south of the border. Edelman felt like one of the Beatles, but he will not be on the field and has not made the trip.

As far as eating the local cusine, we know the Patriots bring their own boxed lunches wherever they go. You can never predict when the locals or illegal immigrants will poison the Trump supporters.

We hope none of the players and brush their teeth with tapwater. That’s only one of the problems when you’re 7500 feet up in the air.

We do expect Tom Brady to throw a lot of long balls There’s no need for deflation of the ball because it will go further even fully inflated in the super light air.

By flying in their own private jet, we have no worries that ICE troopers and Homeland Security Nazis will be bothering the Patriots. On top of that, you can count on the fact that they have a presidential pardon to escape customs and over those Trump Walls they will fly.

No wonder Jerry Jones is jealous of Robert ‘P***y’ Kraft.

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A Conspiracy of Dunces in the NFL

 DATELINE:  NFL Collusion

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Word is now seeping out, as it does like swamp gas, that certain owners of the NFL have received subpoenas for their records of email and phone logs that pertain to conspiracy to defraud a player of his rights.

It seems the lawyers of Colin Kaepernick are charging them with collusion to keep the kneeling QB out of the league. The NFLPA, the union of the players, is trying to stay far away from this radioactive leak.

Why do we think the name of Donald Trump will be invoked sooner than later?  He demanded that players like Kaepernick be “fired” for daring to express their political opinion. By that standard, Trump should have been impeached months ago.

The blowhard President can’t keep his mouth shut about anything remotely not of his jurisprudence, whether it comes to football players protesting police brutality—or keeping mum about a soldier who was charged with desertion or a terrorist who killed innocent people on a bike path.

The nitwit President Pinocchio fails to realize that his words jeopardize justice.  And soon, Kaepernick’s attorney will make mincemeat of the NFL Kollege of Kollusion.

The American public, or at least those with minimal understanding of the US Constitution, will want lynch-mob justice—at the behest of their caped crusader in the White House.

Make no mistake:  Robert Kraft of the Patriots, Jerry Jones of the Cowboys and Bob McNair of the Texans are ripe Trump followers. Their subpoenaed documents will provide better laughs than you might find at a Grand Jury on Russian subterfuge.

That likely means they are ripe for the picking by a shrewd lawyer with the Bill of Rights on his side.

We may soon know what the conversations among billionaire owners of the plantation and their president encompassed. We know it will not raise the level of discourse, nor prove that bright minds are the richest fat cats in the country.

So, we have NFL owners against black players—and a president touting white privilege. When did we lose America? The answer is forthcoming.

 

 

 

 

Patriots First Class Jet Set

DATELINE:  Off They Go into the Wild Blue Yonder

The New England Patriots may look like they are a tank job, but they are soon to be privately airborne.

Yes, the Trump jet has nothing on the AirKraft, owned by Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft who surely took his ideas from flying on Air Force One with President Trump.

The Patriots will take their first road trip in the newest former American Airlines superjet, now fitted to accommodate wide seat players with more leg room and wider seats than you have in normal first-class.

Never mind that the Pats are beginning to look like a bad coach’s idea of a team.

The new Pat jet has enough room for all players, coaches, and hangers-on. There is a lounge area, and even a bedroom for the president: we mean President Kraft as they wend their way to Tampa to play on Thursday.

The jet took out 250 seats and made more luxurious rows for the backfield.

Customized and rebuilt, the new Patriot transportation is better than their defensive unit, that will fly in the tail end, and soon on the wing, according to Bill Belichick, unless they improve.

take off

Tom Brady has a special spot to allow him the space for his retinue (that’s a posse for a near billionaire GOAT).

We await the news on which players will be allowed to sit next to Tom; it’s already a dogfight on the bench at Gillette.

No, we have not heard whether the media will be given accommodations in the cargo hold with the dirty uniforms.

Patriot ‘Sons of Bitches’

DATELINE:  Tom Brady’s Bitch Teammates

 34 missing 34 Missing Patriots

After President Trump called NFL player protesters against racial violence a bunch of sons of bitches who should be fired for having a political viewpoint, many NFL players as well as another sports figures have responded vehemently.

Team owners have joined their players in calling the President a divisive and ridiculous provocateur.  They also think he is a detriment to the unity of the nation. This squares with Tom Brady hater Roger Goodell. We would point out these owners are fellow billionaires and true equals of President Trump. You, dear reader, are not an equal in the new American democracy of Mr. Trump.

In terms of the lower-level millionaires who play for the NFL and NBA, many of them have taken umbrage with being labeled sons of bitches for kneeling in meditation during the national anthem. Oh, say, TV cameras won’t see them as the media never covers Sunday “Star-Spangled Banner” renditions.

Perhaps we too have become sick of the entire protest movement, or just tired of the hullabaloo. In any respect, we seem to be less bothered now than ever before by kneeling athletes. We seem more concerned with black lives being of no matter.

It is interesting that among the Patriots of New England, there is an official silence. Since fellow billionaire Robert Kraft is a dinner guest, jet-set flying Trump equal, there is no disparity between them.

Yet, Coach Belichick and Tom Brady (other Trump supporters) have also been quiet about which of their teammates are truly sons of bitches. 34 refused to go to the lily White House in April.

Devin McCourty, one of the captains of the team and one of the players who refused to go to the White House in April for an honor to Trump, gave a namby-pamby response to the President who inferred he was a son of bitch. You can’t find yourself in Belichick’s doghouse. Thus, silence reigns.

Many of the others who refused to go to the White House have now left the Patriots for other teams where they can protest and kneel to their hearts’ content.

We will be watching closely today to see which Patriots are truly sons of bitches and will report back to you.

 

 

 

 

Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

The President Rings Twice, and the Patriots Answer

DATELINE:  Ring-a-Ding Trump

off off-season   Mr. Kraft to you bradys-friend

Having eschewed humorous sports reports on Boston travesties lately, we are forced into a return to the topic one more time.

For this, you can thank Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and close friend of President Donald Trump.

In April, one of the first big sports events of the Trump era was the visit of the Super Bowl champs of 2017 to the White House. This fiasco was decorated with many missing members of the team who protested the new President. One can only wonder how many of the black players might find their lives hardly mattering after the incidents of KKK and neo-Nazis in Charlottesville or Charlotte’s Web.

They might feel some blame for the violence, making their livings through one of the most concussed and violent games around.

However, we beat a dead horse when today’s news is not fake enough for the alt-right. Yes, Robert Kraft has bestowed one of his $36,000 diamond-studded Super Bowl rings on Mr. Trump.

Usually the President receives a jersey with Tom Brady’s partial number, 1, on it, if it is recovered from international thieves.

However, this year, the man who often breaks bread with Trump and flies on Air Force One often, decided to break precedent and give the President one of those prized rings.

Reportedly, Kraft wanted Trump to have something to put into his presidential library when his term is up, sooner than later, with not much to show for it so far.

Kraft also gave a ring to Tom Brady’s mother for her valiant battle against cancer, which felled Kraft’s wife several years ago. It was Trump’s condolences back then that sealed his friendship with the billionaire NFL owner.

 

 The White House is not talking about when the ring was made or bestowed. And, the Patriots have only made a sly announcement this week in the midst of the pre-season after a tumultuous off off-season.

You can read all about it in Ossurworld’s notorious book, The Patriots Most Off Off-Season Ever, perhaps the last in the Patriots series of hilarious, if not nasty, accounts of their dynastic years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

If South Carolina Can Take Down a Flag…

DATELINE: Deflate-gate, the Cartoon

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Goodell & Kraft Pitch New Deflategate Cartoon to Disney CEO 

The South removed its Confederate flag this week. We expect that the NFL can drop an overblown and under-inflated penalty against Tom Brady. The answer is no longer blowing in the wind. The Confederate flag has been shipped to a museum.

Of course, New England is not South Carolina. And Roger Goodell is not exactly a rocket scientist.

When faced with a genuine horrible person, namely one Greg Hardy, the NFL initially suspended him ten games. He has guns, been convicted of assault and battery on a girlfriend, and now he has bamboozled Roger Goodell.

Instead of ten games, the suspension was dropped to four games.

Ah, that number again. Roger has played that number at roulette more often than any other. Every suspension nowadays is four games, no matter what the infraction.

Take the dastardly Tom Brady who let one pound of air out of a football. He has been portrayed in the media as the new Shylock, and there is only Jeffrey Kessler pleading for the quality of mercy.

Roger Goodell is the Shylock in this play. When you let Greg Hardy, a thug and arrogant twit, walk and likely commit another assault down the road, you have an imbecile wearing a blindfold while he metes out justice.

Yeah, blindness is a plus in football.

Do we expect a 60% drop in Tom’s suspension when Goodell manages to read the tea leaves? That would put Tom down to one and a half games.

We hear the court docket moving with all deliberate speed toward the Supreme Court of the land and wheels of justice turning as they run over Roger Goodell.