NFL Puts Lips Together & Blows

whistlegate

DATELINE: WHISTLEGATE

That’s Buffalo Bob’s Bills, Howdy Doody Rexy.

The Bills have come due—and whether Belichick has cash on hand, or credit up his hoodie sleeve only the four quarters will tell. Magician T-Rex Ryan plans on pulling quarters out of Tom Brady’s nose.

T-Rex’s defensive attack tormented Tom Brady, but truly befuddled the officiating crew, one of the worst Roger Goodell could send to Foxboro.

The big game did not test the ability to stay up late. It was paranoid fun.  It does test the ability to rise on Tuesday morning to work as per usual, but it sent Patriot fans into a frenzy of paranoia beyond their usual fringe.

Inadvertent Whistlegate showed up on Goodell’s doorstep screaming like a newborn banshee. Yes, blame the NFL for Whistle-gate.

Every game is different—and blowing out the Bills, a la the earlier game, may be like blowing smoke rings. You can’t have a Super Bowl ring unless you can blow smoke rings around your most arrogant and semi-talented opponents. The NFL just blew their whistles like Lauren Bacall did to Bogie.

Between the referees’ attempts to throw the game back to the Bison, Belichick prevailed—and the sight of Rex Ryan throwing an F-laden tirade on the sidelines made the game a classic of ineptitude.

Former Pat Rodney Harrison has said he hoped the Patriots would lose this one in order to relieve the pressure on them for a perfect season. It’s like wondering if the Patriot O-rings resemble the old NASA problem. We know the inevitable is closer than ever after last night’s victorious fiasco.

The Bills have been sent to clean the outhouse for another season, and they ought to be joined by the so-called officiating crew.

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Rex Ryan’s Hope and Other Soap Operas

DATELINE: HUMOR!

rex REX RYAN IN BETTER FED DAYS

Rex Ryan has become even more insufferable this season, from his choice of captains for the coin toss to wearing his son’s football helmet to a press conference.

We love whimsy and situation comedy—but T-Rex never settles for farce when he can deliver burlesque. We hope he never drops his fig leaf and keeps spraying seltzer down his pants.

We expect some fan to try to break his jaw when the Bison go on a stampede off the field.

Lately he has started to praise Caesar Belichick like Brutus at the funeral pyre—and curse Brady for keeping that court artist painting in his attic.

Like Casca, he believes the mighty Belichick is too ambitious. And worse, he has his laurel wreaths on order. T-Rex is showing his green-eyed monster beneath the petticoat. And like Brutus, Ryan keeps waking up at night at the nightmare vision of Belichick at another Super Bowl.

The T-Rex team continues to play out the background of Niagara Falls, step by step. Shall Rex go out with a bang?  He said he will be fired if Brady scores 200 points against his team.  He will then join his twin brother in the unemployment line—or worse, on the CBS pregame show.

Ryan just wants to set Bill Belichick up for a nervous breakdown. Someone should tell T-Rex that a nervous breakdown implies you have frayed nerves. Belichick is frayed of nothing.

Bills Plan on a Victory Lap, if not Parade

DATELINE: More Media, Less Taste

alien 3

Rex Ryan Torments the Patriot Cheerleaders

If you are puzzled by the hype for the Monday Night game between the Pats and Bills, so are we.

Every media razzle-dazzler is trying to up the ratings for his own benefit. There is no other explanation for making this game bigger than the first landing of man on the Moon.

This is apparently the Super Bowl for the Buffalo Bills—and they are spouting off that they intend to get to Brady and Gronk. They must be expecting the NFL to give them special rights to have 15 men on the field for every play.

Beyond that, we begin to wonder if we are losing more brain cells to the endlessly overblown ego of media shills. They keep telling us that the Patriots are in trouble until we begin to question it ourselves.

Yeah, the Pats will be without Jamie Collins, Dion Lewis, and Julian Edelman as well as Nate Solder. Is it the end of the world for playoff hopes? For possible victory? For human decency?

We suspect not.

The Patriots have brought in Vereen and Fauria for the game. It sounds like the Ghosts of Xmas Past.

Yes, those names of the past are baaaack like your favorite poltergeist.

Of course, it is Christian Fauria’s nephew and Shane Vareen’s little brother on the new roster.  It does not matter because it means Belichick is going to history to teach T-Rex Ryan that those who do not learn the hard lessons of historical inevitability are about to suffer detention and demerits.