Red Sox Players Don’t Like Boston Much

DATELINE:  Boston Not Their Home

fan Red Sox Fan

We heard that Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock considered coming to Fenway Park to bestow the city of Boston with his insane mass murder on the joint. This horrid revelation has not made a ripple with this year’s team of disgruntled, unhappy Red Sox players.

This will be our only piece about the Red Sox this year, as their season is coming to a close soon. Yeah, they are in the playoffs. Not that anyone in Boston gives much of a fig. This bunch is not liked.

Baseball fans love Fenway. They are lukewarm toward these players. If you believe baseball is business, these teammates come to the office, pick up their paychecks, but would rather play in any other city. They have no ties to Boston.

It could have something to do with the media. They hate the media, including homers like former Sox Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley who was berated and attacked earlier in the season by pitcher David Price, a pitcher whose option likely will put him elsewhere in a season ahead.

He hates Boston.

Dustin Pedroia has played his entire career in the city, but has never embraced the town like David Ortiz, the last Sox player to be part of the community.

You figure after a dozen years, Pedroia would have some ties to Boston. He doesn’t.

Perhaps they have heard racial taunts at Fenway. Some fans dispute this allegation, but the players seem stand-offish to the Olde Towne. Most don’t like the liberals around here.

Young players are stuck here, but would rather play elsewhere. For example, Jacoby Ellsbury never embraced Boston, and preferred to move on to the Yankees where he is happier being anonymous than a star in Bean Town.

These Red Sox do not love the Dirty Water. Most probably wouldn’t understand the reference. They don’t want to be here and will disperse quickly next week when their seasonal prison sentence in Boston ends.

Good riddance to this team of apathetic nobodies.

 

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Red Sox Stricken, Out with Virus at Home

DATELINE: Sick of Baseball Already

Mr. Mucus

The Red Sox have gone viral.

And it’s not pretty. A stomach virus is decimating the overrated team. Well, at least now they have an excuse when the season ends in disgrace.

Reports unlike any we have heard in our history of being a fan have come forth—upchucked like a bad meal. Not only have players run off the field like they were trying to bunt to reach base, but even the broadcaster bailed out of the booth with a case of trotting to the rest room.

Young athletes, in our estimation, live in close quarters with other men and may be susceptible to catching on with a team.  We don’t recall such a decimation in Sox history.

Is there something in the bottled water in the clubhouse? Is it something in the Boston atmosphere? We also noted a few Celtics were recently sick—and even required hospitalization. Thank heavens for Obamacare.

We are taken aback at the hospital visits—as most young men in their primes and prone to six-pack abs are among the strongest of the species unless their occupation is to walk the runway.

What is causing the spate of dyspepsia among our Red Sox stars? We know that teams often now provide prepared meals taken on the road for their players—lest some visiting town sprinkle the dinners and snacks with an unknown substance.

In the meantime, the balls are being played with less than healthy members of the Red Sox.

 

 

 

 

Brady & Gronk Chase Their Tales

DATELINE:  Dumb Opening Acts

 re-stolen jersey

When an aging 40-year old superstar QB chases down a superstar tight end coming off back surgery, you have the potential for a Super Nova.

This is the kind of tale told when you sit around a campfire and explain it to your grandchildren at the end of the 21st century.

In space terms, that’s one Big Bang.

If you see stars falling out of Super Bowl LII, you may think Belichick’s mantra of “One More,” could take on all the elements of Greek tragedy.

If you like your bangs with medical accoutrements, you may be in a body cast up to your earlobes with a cast of super stupid stars.

Instead of the Alpha, jock humor will be the Omega of the Patriots firmament.

Many fans, and Bob Kraft too, must have looked aghast upon the Great Chase of Brady after Gronk who re-stole the infamous Super Bowl jersey. Only Bob Kraft saw millions of dollars going down on the Fenway short right field.

If you want to steal the fire from heaven, you could end up in Hades.

The last time we saw a chase like this, it was in a Buster Keaton silent film about the Civil War called The General. The old locomotive went into the drink—and that was that.

Imagine losing your two biggest NFL stars at an MLB ceremony. It would be like Hertz giving Avis a bunch of flat tires. If you want to kick the tires on Brady and Gronk, you might wonder how they manage to run the field when Tony Romo retires the same day at a median of their ages owing to injury.

On the other hand, you might like the feistiness of the young pup Brady, having discovered his second childhood, and the quick, nimble recovery of a man prone to back pain. You may like to live dangerously.

Fortunately, the Great Fenway Chase was about as scripted as a Three Stooges skit about a week back.

To Be or Not To Be a David Price Chopper?

DATELINE: It’s Only $$$$

 

Taking a day off from our Mad Dog Patriot Season, we turn our attention to the Mad Dog Red Sox Off-Season.

After enduring the Puritanical Ben Cherington who orchestrated the witch trials that rid the Sox of the billion-dollar chicken nugget bucket brigade, Cherington settled into the dourest administration since Cal Coolidge ran Massachusetts.

We aren’t sure that the profligate Dumbo is a better fit, but it isn’t our money he’s throwing away like a sailor on holiday in Shanghai just before the Boxer Rebellion.

Dave Dombrowski is playing to the rafters. His version of Hamlet in the front office has taken on the name of action and bared his bodkin to the American League who are all running to a nunnery.

When you pay the Price, you know it has to be hefty. But, in Boston the price is right when you promise to take Red Sox Nation to the Promised Land. Churly Cherington led the team’s nation through the desert of last place for three out of four years.

He never could find manna from King John Henry VIII and finally went to the tower before losing his head entirely.

Like Cromwell, Dombo is a man of the people—he knows that a pricey pitcher is worth a two hundred million words on the shopping block.

For a time Dombrowski will have the ear of the King in the owners’ box, but there had better be an heir to the World Series, or we may have more carnage on Yawkey Way than the last act of a Shakespearean play.

David Ortiz All Wet After DeHydrating

DATELINE: Dry Humor

clay

We’ve been told in no uncertain terms to lay off David Ortiz. The Big Papi had to sit out a game in the hot Florida sun because it dehydrated him.

We hesitated to point out that old people all suffer from this because the body thermostat loses its effectiveness after a certain age. We just didn’t know that age was 39.

In our day, being 39 was thought to be a symbol of youth’s last glimmer. If 39 is the new 50, then Jack Benny has lost his funniest joke. And, the Red Sox have found it.

Some people questioned how a man who sits in the dugout during the game, under shade and next to the watercooler can possibly overheat.

Some people have wondered how a man whose entire career has avoided hot grass and sun-drenched playing fields could suddenly fail to avoid those.

Others are questioning the rigorous spring training regimen that Dudley Do-Right Farrell has imposed on his out of shape roster.

You might say that Ortiz should have spent the winter in Boston, shoveling out his car every day. He’d be far more sympathetic to the hot Florida sun.

But, a cadre of voters for including Big Papi in the Hall of Fame have accused us of cruelty and injustice. It’s almost as if we have taken umbrage at Deval Patrick for wanting $7500 a day to promote the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. How dare we deny a man his livelihood? How dare we attack an icon for being iconic?

Hey, we’d probably vote to convict Aaron Hernandez too. Call us callous.

 

Red Sox Truck Day Usurped by Patriot Truck Day

DATELINE: Highway to Spring

killilngseason

Truck Day is not supposed to arrive for another week, but the New England Patriots once again one-upped the Boston Red Sox.

Diehard Sox fans wait for February’s semi-holiday to improve their moods as the snow flies. This year, more than usual, Truck Day has become bigger than having one’s throat blessed.

This is the time that baseball equipment is placed in a convoy of big rigs for a long winter’s drive to the spring training facility in Florida. Apparently, driving on slick highways is cheaper than asking Jet Blue to transport this stuff to Jet Blue Park.

If catchers’ mitts and fungo bats go off the road in an icy skid, the Sox season could be in jeopardy. Yet, this foolhardy tradition has unwavering, if not unsteady, support from the snow-blower contingent around Fenway Park.

Yet, the Patriots have now usurped the Red Sox tradition.

You can blame Tom Brady for having another season of immense pressure and showing grace under it.

Yes, it seems Truck Day has a new meaning for the MVP of Super Bowl XLIX. He has circumvented the tax code to bestow a gift on a fellow Patriot.

The Butler who did it in the final seconds of the game will now receive a red Chevy truck as his gift. It seems Tom Brady, whose wife’s annual salary is double the paychecks of the entire offensive Patriot line, has seen fit to donate the truck to a deserving soul.

Matthew Butler, whose interception actually won the game, will now be the tow-truck recipient of Tom Brady’s re-gifting.

We never look a gift of horsepower in the mouth.

 

Curt Schilling Denied Justice

DATELINE: Screwball & Blackball

bloody hell

Major League baseball writers threw a blackball at Curt Schilling when they elected his teammate Pedro Martinez to the Hall of Fame at Cooperstown.

Perhaps election to the Hall is overrated. You only have to ask Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens about that.

However, to most players who loved the game they played, and loved the millions of dollars they earned playing it, the Hall is some kind of apolitical, neutral body that steps away from team and city partisanship.

You’d think that, but according to Curt Schilling, you’d be wrong.

The man whose bloody sock won a city heart and world attention when he pitched his plasma out in a World Series game was denied a walk of fame down the Hall.

He blames it on his politics. He is a conservative in a world of big city Democrats. Those pesky writers never are part of the world of athletes—and voting on entrance into the Hall of Fame is a good way to show their partisanship.

They are better educated, know the game better, are holier than thou, and now appear to be amoral.

The writers died Curt Schilling, Republican activist who almost ran for U.S. senator. He also has spent his energy and time on helping find a cure for ALS before people dumped cold water on their heads. He never used PEDs or steroids, which you can’t say about many of his colleagues (only the others elected to the HOF).

He is a man who also took a government loan to start a game business and went bankrupt. Apparently, the safeguard of taxpayers, the MLB writers decided to punish him.

No Hall for Curt. We know all about liberal hubris and blackballs. We worked in academia. Our sympathies to Curt.

Red Sox Package 0f Perks for Jon Lester!

DATELINE: HUMOR

lester&beckett

We have learned from a secret source what King John Henry VIII offered in the package meant for Jon Lester if he chose to stay with the Red Sox.

Larry Lucchino has leaked this information to show what a parvenu ingrate Jon Lester has become.

First, Lester could have used Henry’s season tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra three times per year. On the upcoming programme was Rachmininoff’s Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini and Puccini’s Nessun Dorma.

King John Henry would send his tailor to give Lester his choice of a tux or a dressing gown in silk and an opportunity to take art appreciation classes at the MFA.

Henry offered a weekend cruise on his yacht the SS Minnow to Cannes for the foreign language film festival each of the subsequent three years of the contract.

A month’s supply of Beluga caviar was already at the Post Office for special delivery to Lester.

For hunting trips (much favored by Lester) Henry had a litter of teacup Maltese pups in white ready for the excursion and a trip to the Westminster Dog Show afterward.

Also in the package was an opportunity to play a cameo role on next season’s Downton Abbey acting in the role of Shirley MacLaine’s American chauffeur. Following that he would be taken to Covent Garden to watch the Royal Ballet perform Sleeping Beauty.

Considering these magnificent cultural perks, we are dumfounded that Lester chose to take the offer by Joe Maddon to go hunting with one of his bench coaches.

The values of the sports world are clearly not what they used to be.

 

 

Unvarnished Truth About Jon Lester & Red Sox

DATELINE: HUMOR

 ClayBuchholz

And now for the truth you won’t hear on Boston sports blab shows or on websites beholden to the Red Sox kingpins…

We will tell you the unvarnished truth about why Jon Lester went elsewhere.

Yes, you could start at the long goodbye during the hideous 2013 season when the Sox ownership insulted Jon Lester with their offers. As Dan Shaughnessy brilliantly pointed out, Fredo Corleone was given a better sendoff by the Godfather.

That was the end of the trail, not the start of negotiations.

If you want to appeal to the heart of a player, you don’t send King John Henry VIII to make the appeal. You could send Robert Kraft who actually loves his players and relates to them as young men.

Henry relates to them like a disdainful banker. He is, at his smarmiest, a cold fish. He is not a dog lover, a hunter, or a down-to-earth uncultured slob. He is a snob.

Strike One!

Given a boatload of money, some players are charmed by the Red Sox, but others know they have to buy the duckboat for real love.

King John Henry VIII will invite players to his yacht, the Pequod, and give them expensive gifts—like a divorced parent on a guilt trip. But, then he will come down hard on the Chicken and Beer brigade—divesting them to another league and another coast. Those chicken wing munchers like Josh Beckett and Adrian Gonzalez were friends of Lester.

Strike Two!

When you ask all those Red Sox players on the Yankee roster the eternal question of “Why”, they will look at you with befuddlement. They wonder what is going on in the bubbleheads on Yawkey Way. Jacoby Ellsbury is only the latest to feel when they fall out of love with you, you are dog food.

Strike Three!

King John Henry VIII’s minions will now talk a great game to win back the goodwill of fans. But, be careful, fans. That bridge goes to Brooklyn. Mae West and Bugs Bunny and King John Henry VIII are only the latest salespeople.

 

Jon Lester Buys a Slow Boat Full of Cash Cows

DATELINE: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE?

 

affluenza sufferer

Slip sliding away?

It sounds like a refrain from a song, not a major league baseball team’s mantra.

Yet, the Boston Red Sox are indeed slip sliding away.

We ponder the eternal mystery of Boston sports. Just how stupid are the Red Sox owners?

When you trade away all your best pitchers because you don’t want to pay them, you are worthy of being a second tier sports market owner.

When you then realize there is nothing on the market better than what you had, you start to panic.

When you let the Yankees always walk through that door with a better offer, you make players wonder just how hollow the refrain is, “We want you.” When you let former executives sour on your organization beat you, there is something rotten on Yawkey Way.

Red Sox owners never want to give one cent for tribute, but they know talk is cheap. They talk a great game.

You never know how green your Fenway grass is until you start to look at the other teams. By then, the green stuff has stolen away all your best players.

Red Sox owners are penny-wise and pound-foolish. They will spend more money on a British soccer team than on “old” players.

Public relations disasters are the stock in trade of Red Sox owners. For now too many words have been spoken, and King John Henry VIII never puts his money where his mouth is. The Sox are now faced with recouping the goodwill of their fans.

Don’t worry. Money talks, and the only thing stupider than Sox ownership is the regard they have for their fans. It doesn’t help when Theo Epstein is the skunk at your picnic.

 

Fenway Park: Home, Sweet Home

DATELINE: Homely Players

Fenway Stage 1

The Red Sox are clicking the heels of their Ruby Red Slippers together and repeating, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home, Toto.”

Yep, your Red Sox are thinking of home as the place where Whistler’s Mother whistled up a happy tune. Whether she could offer more than home cooking, we don’t know.

The Red Sox have signed former Sox player Hanley Ramirez, have offered a contract now to former pitcher Justin Masterson, and are waiting on a giant offer to former favorite Sox pitcher Jon Lester.

Home is where the heart is. We don’t know if home is where the big money is, but the Red Sox are offering a home for the holidays motif to their former players.

You may be home for Christmas and humming it too, but we aren’t sure that Jon Lester thinks of Fenway Park as a primary home or a rental.

Most players who offer a “home town” discount may be disingenuous at best. They have cut their own throats and emptied their own wallets. And, the Red Sox have never thought charity begins at home.

As Sox fans may want to return to the thrilling days of the turn of the century, bringing back all your 30 year old whiz kids may be Biblical, sort of like returning the Prodigal Son to the homestead.

Be it ever so humble, there is no home quite like Fenway Park. Your Red Sox ownership think that pitching there is better than Yankee Stadium, though more than a few Sox players are now saying “Yes, Yes,” to the YES Network.

As for us, we think that a homebody should feel you can go home again, despite what the big paychecks say.

Sports & Money Talk Over Each Other

DATELINE: Economic Politics in Sports

Meb

Prodigal son Theo Epstein who was once the apple of the eye of King John Henry VIII of Red Sox Nation is on the verge of becoming a worm in the selfsame apple.

Theo Epstein is the front-runner to sign Jon Lester to an obscenely over-priced contract, putting Lester into a lowly Cubs uniform for the rest of his overpaid career.

The Red Sox are likely already choking on the notion of buying hitters. Now they must buy back a pitcher they once didn’t want to pay for. Not since the golden days of plantation owner Tom Yawkey have the Sox decided to buy their way to the next World Series venue.

By the way, it didn’t work for Yawkey—and spending won’t do it for King John Henry VIII.

It’s not our money. So, you will forgive our abandonment of our usual parsimonious sense of athlete payroll if we chuckle at the ridiculous and sublime.

Smarmy GM Ben Cherington had always played second fiddle to Theo Epstein while they both worked for the Red Sox. During a brief turn when Epstein quit for six months, Cherington and Jed Hoyer (now playing second fiddle to Epstein in Chicago) were the whiz-kids who traded away Hanley Ramirez for the chicken and beer brigade.

Now as a new year is on the calendar in about a month, turnaround is fair play.

You have to approve when front-office sibling rivalry is more important than steroid addled players. Of course, in an ideal world, we would actually be interested in baseball games.

No matter whether it is NFL, MLB, NBA, or even NHL, we are talking societal domination, top to bottom. Games are secondary.

MUSHROOM OPTION

As it was in Ancient Rome, sports have become the life’s blood of the culture—and it has permeated everything from social media to economic reality and sexual promiscuity.

We are more at home off the field than on it. Our society will inevitably crash and burn as sports fans, not as citizens.

Millionaire athletes give a hands-up protest as example.

Boston Manager Puts Kiss of Death on Jon Lester

DATELINE: DO-RIGHT

John Farrell

Red Sox Dudley Do-Right John Farrell put his own version of the kiss of death on Jon Lester.

What did the Sox manager say and how did he say it?

First, he thinks the remainder of the team propositions are “interesting.” That puts Lester on a less than top priority status.

Second, Farrell is looking for ways to go through this offseason. He means the sooner some other team signs Lester, the easier it will be for the Sox.

Third, he has complete trust in GM Ben Cherington. It’s like the Godfather relying upon the murderous abilities of his hired assassin to find the right cement overshoes.

Fourth, he sees work that needs to be done. That means they are looking at options other than Lester.

Fifth, Farrell believes the Sox are doing what needs to be done to bring Lester back, but other teams have great interest in him and “deservedly so.”

Sixth, there are plenty of other options available to the Sox—and Lester is a mere bagatelle.

If you haven’t reached the uh-oh moment yet, you never will. Lester is moving away from Boston faster than an Andromeda galaxy.

Boston Peace Talks with Lester & Ramirez To Start

DATELINE: 2015 Red Sox Turmoil

 

lester&beckett

The Red Sox have signed their biggest tandem of hitters since Dick Stuart and Roman Mejias in 1962. And, we all know how that turned out.

So, the Sox have decided to open King John Henry VIII’s wallet and sign Kung Fu Panda and Hanley Being Hanley.

Did anyone ask Jon Lester what he thinks?

Lester and Ramirez were hardly pals back in the minors a decade ago. They were, in fact, openly hostile. But, perhaps adulthood and maturity have become new factors. Who are we kidding? These are baseball players.

This could mean Lester will go anywhere else that gives him the chance to throw a beanball at Ramirez.

If Ben Cherington, no model of social decorum himself, can broker a peace between Lester and Ramirez, he may be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Of course, all that is dependent on the notion that Lester wants to return to Boston now that the stakes have changed.

No one said players had to love each other. They only have to love winning—and money.

Will Hanley and Pablo become the new Stuart and Mejias? And that raises the question: which one will be the big bust for two years?

Dick Stuart hit some home runs in his two seasons: a goodly amount of 42 and 35. Alas, if hits were vowels on Wheel of Fortune, Roman couldn’t buy a hit and would never solve the puzzle.

Red Sox pundits promise that Cherington will turn into the Henry Kissinger of baseball. The summer of love is about to return to Boston. Good luck to that.

Sox Sign Another Ramirez Again

Hanny not Manny

DATELINE: Hannywood, Not Mannywood

The Red Sox can’t help themselves.

They have an organizational addiction. It may be an indication of unfinished business, or simple lack of control.

Yes, it’s happened again: the Sox are bringing another Ramirez back into the fold.

This time it’s the return of Ben Cherington’s first Ramirez, Hanley.

Yet, at the back of every Ramirez sighting, we feel the specter of Manny. We aren’t sure if Hanley being Hanley will top Manny being Manny.

There have been other Ramirezes in between, but those were one-night stands compared to this one. The Sox are shelling out big bucks for a five-year commitment. It’s a marriage guaranteed to keep a Ramirez in a Sox uniform until 2020 or until hindsight becomes clearer.

It could be worse. They could sign morons like the chicken and beer brigade. Oh, wait, they traded Hanley Ramirez for the ringleader of the chicken and beer brigade. So, this signing of free agent Hanley is actually a makeup to fans!

They are bringing back the original Hanley that was meant to be a Doppleganger of Manny. We had them together for a brief moment in time. Now, like Aulde Lang Syne gone awry, the Sox are returning the native.

Hanley is another shortstop, though wags are saying he will play leftfield or third base with equal aplomb. The Sox have one other weakness. It’s signing shortstops. To sign a shortstop who is also a Ramirez will kill two birds with one contract.

We love cheap sentiment, and signing Hanley gives us goosebumps.