One Last Look at Rajon Rondo

DATELINE:  Go Away, NBA!

RondoLaughs Rondo.

A few years ago we stopped writing our satiric, light-hearted blogs about sports in the NBA, NFL, and MLB.

If you want to know why, take a close look at the antics of the Los Angeles Lakers and the NBA this weekend. A brawl of unimaginable hatreds broke out.

Former Boston Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo was at the epicenter if the blowup.  However, we were not surprised that Rondo’s deep-rooted emotional problems have not abated with age or change of venue. We wrote three books on him while he played in Boston. He became increasingly dark, like a Darth Vader figure. He wasn’t funny or amusing by the end of the Boston tenure.

We were more appalled by the vocabulary and attitude of the official NBA investigation to this latest “spitting” on another player incident. The NBA has millions of dollars invested in presenting the players as cute, all-American boys who have made good.

The truth is far more disturbing. You have pampered, spoiled, egomaniacs with emotional problems, ghetto backgrounds, and gang-related ties. The NBA does not want to talk about that.

There is now a media cottage industry geared to protect these guilty parties from themselves. The cash cows are all around the sport—products, foods, endorsements, personality cults, and it is all a fraud perpetrated on the gullible public for their entertainment—and to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to unsuspecting fans amid fixes.

Are we surprised a brawl broke out based on ten-year old feuds and jealousies? Are we amused by the outmoded macho attitudes of these testosterone-drenched idiots?

The answer is simply we don’t write about them anymore, and that should be our final response to those who ask why we don’t present those funny, double-entendre drenched blogs nowadays.

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Celtics Fight Each Other!

DATELINE: ‘Former Celtic’ is Always a Dirty Term

RondoLaughs

Two of our favorite Celtics characters were sent packing to other teams some time ago. However, that does not mean they are not still Celtics.

Case in point, Rajon Rondo and Isaiah Thomas. They bleed Green.

Both men were lively point guards, fun to watch and delightful off-beat souls. Rondo had a temperament that helped win a banner over seven years. Thomas never won a banner but played like a wounded warrior through dark days and dark events in his personal life.

This weekend was supposed to be a video tribute to Thomas’s few years in Boston, but it was not meant to be.

It was Paul Pierce’s retirement ceremony. His 34 went to the rafters, and it was not a moment to be shared. The video tribute to Isaiah Thomas (then of the Cavaliers) was postponed indefinitely.

Before it happened, Rondo said Isaiah didn’t deserve a tribute because he never won a championship. Rondo insisted he knew Boston better than Thomas. That might’ve meant an interesting game, watching Rondo sitting right near the Cavaliers bench waiting for a turn to honor Paul Pierce.

Oh yes, though he plays for the Chicago Bulls, Rondo returned to Boston for Pierce’s retirement. That in itself was marvelous. He joined his former coach Doc Rivers and his best friend Kevin Garnett. Once a Celtic, always the Celtic.

Abruptly traded to the Lakers, Isaiah Thomas faced Rondo within the week as opposing players Laker versus Bull.

If you were surprised by the next part, you never watched a Celtics game. The two former Celtics went at each other in the first quarter several times, nasty words and physical pushes nearly turning into a brawl.  They both were ejected from the game.

Thomas insisted that Rondo was giving him a hard time for the tribute video that never happened and likely accused him of being a fake Celtic.

A true Celtic comes back to the Boston TD Garden even when he plays for another team for a ceremony because he has never shed the Celtic Green inside.

We love our former Celtics. They are never former.

Ray Allen: Gone Fishing for Compliments

DATELINE: Mysterious World of Cat Fishing

on the DL

If you haven’t heard of cat-fishing, you are out of touch with today’s Internet.

Former Boston Celtic Ray Allen is giving us a crash course in something to do with scams, sexual harassment, and online game players.

He is now counter-suing a young man who pretended to be a woman (actually several women) and lured Mr. Allen into online relationships.

It appears there is more than meets the eye to your online pickup lines.

Allen allegedly started stalking his tweeter. Well, how can you stalk a man who pretends to be a woman without finding out that the stalk is off-kilter?

In the world of retired sports stars with time on their hands, you discover that it was a two-way stalking. The young deceiver may have had incriminating evidence and was a threat to reveal it to the family of Mr. Allen.

This gives new meaning to the term “on the down-low.”  Yes, sports fans, in the world of sexual stalking, being on the DL is not always the disabled list.

We might wonder if former movie star (He Got Game) and 3-point champ Allen was light in his sneakers when he took all those jump shots.

We recall vividly his inexplicable feud with Rajon Rondo when they were on their championship NBA treadmill nearly a decade ago.

All the Celtics teammates blackballed Mr. Allen when he jumped ship for an NBA ring on another team. Perhaps teammates already were separating themselves from the DL list.

So, Ray’s best defense is now that he was cat-fished, the colorful term to describe a sexual peccadillo.

 

2015 Chuckleheads: Dozen Half-Baked Donut Holes

 DATELINE: Worst of Ossurworld

 

At this point in the year we have been asked to review our humor tales and come up with a top dozen of our top 100 blogs.

We certainly noticed certain topics overrun the humor meter: Deflategate, anything Tom Brady, something Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez, Rajon Rondo, and Tom Brady Against the World.

Though we hate to rank our satires, here are 12 you thought you had successfully avoided:

  1. Andrew Luck: Please Read Our Books!

Andrew Luck has now topped Tom Brady and Peyton Manning on the New York Times Book List.

In a post-literate world, Andrew Luck is bringing back the old fashioned values of a bookworm. He reads books. He recommends them to his teammates. Usually his mother recommends them to him. Does anyone have her email address?

11. Sports Media Exaggerations

Buffoons of sports, better known as media insiders of the NFL, have embarrassed themselves with imperfect metaphors.

  1. Celtics Play Hair Ball

We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.

They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.

  1. Rondo Returns from Dead

We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.

We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.

  1. Billy the Kid as the Croquet Kid

You probably have seen the newly confirmed photo of Billy the Kid.

He was the sociopathic killer and dime novel hero of the great American West.  As a dangerous desperado who shot 21 people down, at his minimal serial killer standard, he may have taken a hit to his image with the discovery of his picture playing croquet.

  1. Hernandez Shoe Size Revealed to World

Move over Bigfoot! For those using metaphor to measure life, the appearance of Aaron Hernandez’s sneakers at his murder trial may be an exciting moment.

Yes, prosecutors actually publicly exposed Hernandez to the big number. His shoe size is now a matter of public record.

  1. Ortiz 502, Brady 401

We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics. On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

  1. Tom Brady for President!

With more nitwits running for the Republican nomination than we can count on two hands, we now feel the time is ripe for Tom Brady to throw his deflated football into the ring.

Look out, GOP wannabes. Here’s the real article.

  1. Souvenir for Sale: Deflated Football

Now you can buy a piece of history. Of course, any time you buy history, you have to deal with inflation that sent the Weimar Republic into the arms of Adolph Hitler.

  1. Our Hunchback of Gillette Stadium

Of all the grave injustices done to Tom Brady, we never suspected that the worst of the worst would come from a court-deigned sketch artist with delusions of Picasso and Munch.

  1. Tom Brady’s Plastic Surgery

Tom, we hardly knew ye. There may be many ways to deal with one’s 38th birthday—or Deflategate fallout. Take Tom Brady for instance. He apparently accompanied his wife to Paris sometime this summer for a secret rendezvous with the best face workers in the business.

  1. Tom Brady Trumps Truman Capote

Leave it to GQ Magazine to set up Tom Brady in a way that Roger Goodell wishes he could. We are almost agog waiting for Tom’s next act in the swim suit competition.

 

How can 2016 ever compete with this list of horror tales?

Rajon Rondo Plays Kick the Cameraman

DATELINE:  Mercurial Garbo/Rondo at Work

 

We never let thousands of miles separate us for too long from our dear nemesis, Rajon Rondo.

This week, as a follow up to slurring a gay referee, Rondo took on the media itself in the form of a baseline camera confrontation.

Kick the camera seems to be the operative phrase. However, a few intrepid souls who saw Rondo’s sole insisted he nudged the camera with his foot.

The usually soulful Rondo played Garbo again, perhaps out of a sense of sentimentality, or maybe because it is the season to be jolly.

The kick-start was meant to force a ground level, baseline cameraman from NBC Sports to stop showing the pain and agony of defeat, as one of Rondo’s teammates was down on the court with injury.

De feet caused de sole to rise up in Rondo’s wrath.

Rondo may suffer from bunions and they kicked up on him.

We suspect that the oft-winner of the Garbo Temperament Award in Boston was not ready for his prime-time close-up in Sacramento.

It could also indicate that Rondo is considering a second career in soccer. We would advise him to use his head more often in that case.

Rondo may also be jealous of the attention now being afforded a new, younger star in another sport. Footman Oddsmell Beckham of the Giants would have used his helmet on the offending camera.

But, we want to assure Rondo: he still has it– from headcase to sole.

Rondo Tries Again to Apologize

 DATELINE:  Rondo’s Song

 

Wooo-boy.  When at first you don’t succeed, take another shot at the free throw line.

Rajon Rondo had to issue a second apology after his first landed on the rim like a brick.

Apparently, we were not the only ones who thought Rondo, always insufferably better than anyone else, was hit with a dope slap by someone higher up (is that you, Kendrick Perkins?). He decided his comments were not playing well in gay clubs.

Let us parse: “Yesterday, I said that my words toward Bill Kennedy were unacceptable and did not reflect my feelings toward the LGBT community. Some have interpreted my comments as a non-apology, I want to be clear, from the bottom of my heart that I am truly sorry for what I said to Bill.

“There is no place on or off the court for language that disrespects anyone’s sexual orientation. That is not who I am or what I believe and I will strive every day to be a better person.”

His team, the Sacramento Kings, issued the statement, likely written by team lawyers with Rondo being force-fed words too harsh for his delicate digestion. Now, according to the statement, he is on a first name basis with “Bill” (referee Kennedy, a hard bird to begin with and not Rondo’s type).

His feelings toward the LGBT community (even in Boston for years) have been lukewarm at best, where people have interpreted his iciness as vying for the title “Snow Queen.”

If Rondo were still in Boston, we’d have another book out of this.

Rondo Speaks with ‘F’ Tongue

DATELINE: Rondo’s Indiscretion

 

Rajon Rondo has gone too far, but it is symptomatic of some men under pressure. Lately he issued a statement he meant no offense to gay people with his tirade on court, on television, for lip readers everywhere to parse.

A suspension followed the Rondolian Death Stare at referee Bill Kennedy in Mexico. In case people did not know why, Bill Kennedy came out of the closet as an “open” gay man, and Rondo was accused of using slurs to demean the long-time referee.

Gay slurs had been a bugaboo of the NBA for years—but had largely disappeared until this latest flap. Of all the gin joints in all the world, Rondo had to use “fag” in his vocabulary in Mexico City, not meaning Brit cigarettes.

Most men who resort to that sort of rage and homophobia usually harbor some inner feelings that make them Nervous Nellies. Imagine having to apply that standard to Rondo. Of all the matters we observed over his years in Boston, we never thought that (tongue firmly in cheek).

We made a cottage industry out of suggesting—nay, labeling Rondo, year after year—as a member of the Unofficial Friends of Dorothy group.  There, we said it. No more hiding between the lines or in the subtle nuances of ambiance.

We always thought of Rondo as a little light headed when it came to the big men. We might also mention he was always a flight risk in his sneakers, as if they were too light to be real loafers.  How often have we learned that the biggest homophobes harbor the deepest worries.

We tried to tie Rondo to so many big men in the game that we have lost track of all those we may have stuck with voodoo pins. It was only Rondo we tried to pin down.

Now, Rondo’s “spokesperson” denied he ever spoke a slur about a gay person. In some ways, we think it true, but like the notorious “n” word among black men, the fairy word seems to roll trippingly off the lips among gay men. Rondo forgot himself.

We hate to end four books on Rondo with a charge of a hate crime, but if you hate, you likely commit the crime privately. We are sorry Rondo has fallen into the hottest of scalding waters, but he can right the ship by admitting he was merely calling one of his kinsmen by his favorite label.

Rondo Returns from Dead for Part of a Game!

DATELINE: Rajon Rondo Superstar Back Again

We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.

We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.

Yes, our former Celtics hero of three books and countless satiric barbs has gone South West. His Sacramento team, aka Sutter’s Mill, went to Mexico in search of the treasure of Sierra Madre, but instead met the mule train of Boston Celtics.

Rondo was not wearing Goldhat’s fashionplate, nor the bandit’s sombrero, but he was clearly the bad guy in this encounter.  Last time he came to Boston, he dumped almost 30 points on his pathetic former team.

This night on the Gold Coast of Inca Land provided fans a different map to the treasure trove.

Oh, we miss Rondo. What a gold mine of satiric caricature. If he were still in Boston, we’d accuse him of causing cosmic radio waves from outer space or giving Charlie Sheen bad advice. Alas, he has left us in a teleportation act worthy of Mr. Spock.

For this night, Rondo only gave us a flash of his demeanor—oh, but what a supernova it was.

Receiving a double technical, he was tossed out of the game. His replacement counterpart, Isaiah Thomas, scored 21 against his former team, and Rondo had only 5 points.

Our Rajon was ejected for simply giving the referee his Rondolian Death Stare for five seconds. It was chilling. Brilliant. Astounding.

We then read his lips and were surprised our boy knew such language.

Oh, yes, we miss Rondo.

 

 

Rondo & the Bean Town Stalk

DATELINE: Return of the Native

Rondo & the Bean Town

Rajon Rondo has never been happier. He is playing again for a championship-bound group where press and media are insignificant. He has truth and beauty in his life again. He surrounds his assist-machine mentality with superstar veterans. He dreams of sugar plum fairies and an NBA banner again.

Now, a mere fortnight since the trade that may leave him quizzical in the middle of the night, he returns to the Boston TD Garden. He shall score at will, make his gaudy triple double stand out like a dagger gleaming in the moonlight as it plunges into the heart of an artichoke.

Returning to Boston too soon, he will endure what he despises: a video tribute to his talent (that got him traded for a bag of chips and two candy bars).

Rondo is about to enter a Twilight Zone—and the victims of this nightmare will be the Boston media, fans, Danny Ainge, Brad Stevens, and all doubters.

Baked bean counters are about to be cooked in their own juices.

Ainge, like Jack Beanstalk’s mother, threw the magic beans out the window—rejecting the prodigal son as a foolish luxury.

Now the giant stalk will drop a giant on Boston’s quaint basketball village.

 

Boston media now sit in a fantasyland that resembles an enchanted Brigadoon, awaiting another banner. They may as well look for water at Timbuktu.

Rondo is bound for glory and greatness again. The little men who once thrived around him may believe they are destiny’s leprechauns, but they will always be the little men who lost a big dream.

Gronk’s Weakness: Big Polish Sausage

DATELINE: Cooking Up a Storm with Gronk

gronkinbed

Gronk has now made an appearance on a cooking show on cable television.

This is the first Boston sports celebrity to try his hand at the oven or hot plate since Rajon Rondo dueled Ray Allen’s wife and lost.

Rondo, of course, always considered himself chef-material. In the case of Gronk, the TV hostess noted he was a gourmand. Perhaps someone explained the term to Gronk before the show because he seemed to understand it meant he liked to eat—and often.

The high point of Rajon’s TV appearance was a snide side glance at Shannon who was telling him how to cook. One had the feeling no one gave Rondo orders—ever, be they menu items or short order appetizers.

For Gronk, he never met a Polish sausage he didn’t like.

Indeed, when Gronk professed with real passion that he loved big Polish sausages, it caused more double-entendre snickers than Mae West used to receive when she admitted she was like Snow White, “but drifted.”

There is no doubt that Gronk can spread charm on a cracker with the best of them. He played “Honey,” his cook off partner as someone making comments that might backfire. Gronk never once considered his own admission for liking the sausage large.

 

The chefs Gronk faced off were clearly fans of other teams and were not so smitten with Gronk’s proportional preferences.

We can only note that it’s too bad Boston sports celebrities don’t appear on cooking shows more often. But, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

 

 

Rondo RIP

DATELINE: Death to the Infidel

lumpy

Rajon Rondo said trade rumors were a “way of life,” after some of the most giddy media reports. It wasn’t the rumors of a trade so much as the delight in the notion that Rondo was a dead duck that struck observers.

Trade rumors appeared to be less than a way of life, but more akin to a death knell.

The bell has tolled for Rondo enough times to be a unconstitutional cruel and unusual punishment.

Insiders who claim knowledge usually reserved for the Mahdi or clairvoyants were jumping on the bandwagon with tar and feathers for Rondo as his travel outfit.

Old Ainge pal Kevin McHale figured in some rumors. He was the man who gave Ainge his NBA title seven years ago with Kevin Garnett. Could McHale do it again?

Since the names floated as return investment for Rondo seem rather pale riders, we know that someone has decided Rondo is expendable. His slumping ways in recent weeks may have signaled vulnerability, or just a good time to dump the future salary choke in the Celtics gullet.

There seemed no good match coming to Boston in return for Rondo, but detractors, as always, noted the heavy burden of Rondo lifted from our back was freedom itself.

If Rondo ever felt unwanted, he was experiencing the horror that befell Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce before him.

To be the last dinosaur standing while the asteroid’s impact devastated all that you loved and knew may be enough to send Rondo packing with eager desire.

Rumors had Rondo going West, where young men could find a championship team faster than waiting for the sun to rise in the east.

As for us, we see Rondo’s departure as the onset of a famine and the epitome of a plague on our house. A curse may fall upon the Boston Celtics for their hubris.

Kobe & Rondo Go With Ham & Eggs

DATELINE: BRUNCH DATE

public feast for brunch

Ham & Eggs, Dig In, Kobe & Rondo

Boston is in a tizzy. Rajon Rondo went out to brunch with Kobe Bryant on Thursday morning before the big Friday night game.

Speculation centered on the pros and cons of eating bacon and other high cholesterol foods. And, second, fans were speculating that Kobe was recruiting Rondo for a career high in sunny Los Angeles.

Few fans considered that Rondo was trying to recruit Bryant to the Celtics.

We must admit that we did not even know that Rondo was a big breakfast kind of guy. We always saw him with black coffee and a cruller.

Key to the entire brunch was the conclusion. There are no reports as to which superstar picked up the tab. Since it looked like a cafeteria, not a restaurant, we figure the entire breakfast for two must have gone for under $20. If so, Rondo picked up the tab. He’s not a man to go extravagant with a Laker.

Whatever the price, we know that the meal was tax deductible as a business expense. Then, again, Danny Ainge may have given Rondo an allowance to spend as he sees fit.

If there is an unusual guest in town, Rondo can always pick up the spatula and make one of his gourmet treats in the big kitchen of his luxury condo. Since the meal partner was merely Kobe, Rondo obviously did not splurge.

At least we don’t have the mental picture of them eating brunch in their bathrobes.

Rondo Climbs the Mount and Gives a Sermon

DATELINE: Sermonizing to the Converted

Rondo Listens!

Rajon Rondo admitted it. “I’ve not been myself,” he told the assembled press.

Not since the Sermon on the Mount has such wisdom been dispensed. Rondo promised to whip up a fine repast and banquet with a loaf of stale bread and a sardine by next game. Thus spake Rondo as he offered his Beatitudes.

The wit and wisdom of Rondo was then spread among the faithless in a more than usually revealing interview.

Blessed are the shot-makers, for they shall have assists.

Blessed are the aggressive ball handlers, for they shall reach the paint.

Blessed are the turnover makers, for they shall return to the basket.

Blessed are those who don’t turn the ball over, for they shall enter the Kingdom of Another Banner.

Blessed are those who have a rhythm to their playmaking, for they shall have the hearts of their teammates.

Blessed are those who can make a free throw, for they shall have the confidence of the coach.

Blessed are those who consult with Tommy Heinsohn, for they shall have the wisdom of Bill Russell.

Blessed are those who believe in themselves, for they shall manage to thread a needle and score.

Rajon Rondo’s prayers have not yet been answered. No one answered Truman Capote’s prayers either. This does not look good for the most important man in the Celtics’ organization.

If you feel a wind at your back, it could be another trade rumor blowing hot and cold.

 

Sports Superheroes like Brady, Rondo, & Rodgers

DATELINE: SECRET IDENTITIES

clark kent & bruce wayne

Clark Kent Meets Bruce Wayne

Outside the world of a comic book convention, the real secret identities of Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers will likely be Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.

Of course, we are hard-pressed to yank both men out of the closet and reveal their superhero demeanors to the world.

We speculate that Brady is Bruce Wayne, who parades around as a millionaire playboy. And we think the hard-working stiff with a mild mannered disguise is Clark Kent.

2015 is probably the year that Batman and Superman will go head-to-head in the Super Bowl.

he-men at work

Superman Meets Batman

It’s hard to believe that such heroic young men could hide themselves in such dandified plates of fashion. Yeah, yeah, we remember than Zorro hid behind his foppish alter ego named Don Diego—and yeah, they seek him here and they seek him there—but the Scarlet Pimpernel was a British fop by day.

It seems a good way to throw the public off-balance.

There is a long tradition of superheroes being in the closet, so to speak.

Why, just this week in Boston, another superhero, our own Rajon Rondo, was caught out of his Spiderman costume and talking to Zombie Heinsohn.

Rondo Listens!

Naked Spiderman Meets Zombie

You never can read too much into a photo.

Over the Rainbow with Jelly and Philly Pressey

 DATELINE: HUMOR

3some

If the Detroit Pistons were a city, they’d be ….Detroit.

If Jelly O’Sully were a threesome, it would include Philly Steak Cutlet.

One of the worst teams in the NBA had their fourth quarter opportunity to knock off a leading Boston Celtics team. Unlike every other team the Celtis have played this season, the Pistons did not overcome.

It was a night that saw Rajon Rondo pulled off the court repeatedly. Was he injured? Well, his ego took a beating. Coach Brad Stevens feared he would be fouled in a critical situation—and the coach did not want Rondo at the free throw line.

When Rondo has a free throw, the game gets thrown in the hopper.

Also, it was a game in which the Golddust Twin KO Kelly Olynyk returned from whence no traveler usually returns. He actually played aggressive basketball, not his usually oversensitive style.

He livened up when Phil Pressey came on court to replace Rondo. Both young men fired up and raced around the court with crisp passes. They took control of the Celtics—overshadowing even the return of Marcus Smart.

Yet, the Celtics were not in the catbird seat by any means. You see Jared Sullinger went on hiatus until the overtime period. Then, he saw the hoop and started spewing three-point shots from the arc.

We were delighted to see the return of Jelly O’Sully with their boy Elroy Pressey.

Peabody and Sherman is an imperfect metaphor for the doglike devotion between Pressey and Olynyk.