DATELINE: Worst of Ossurworld
At this point in the year we have been asked to review our humor tales and come up with a top dozen of our top 100 blogs.
We certainly noticed certain topics overrun the humor meter: Deflategate, anything Tom Brady, something Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez, Rajon Rondo, and Tom Brady Against the World.
Though we hate to rank our satires, here are 12 you thought you had successfully avoided:
- Andrew Luck: Please Read Our Books!
Andrew Luck has now topped Tom Brady and Peyton Manning on the New York Times Book List.
In a post-literate world, Andrew Luck is bringing back the old fashioned values of a bookworm. He reads books. He recommends them to his teammates. Usually his mother recommends them to him. Does anyone have her email address?
Buffoons of sports, better known as media insiders of the NFL, have embarrassed themselves with imperfect metaphors.
- Celtics Play Hair Ball
We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.
They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.
- Rondo Returns from Dead
We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.
We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.
- Billy the Kid as the Croquet Kid
You probably have seen the newly confirmed photo of Billy the Kid.
He was the sociopathic killer and dime novel hero of the great American West. As a dangerous desperado who shot 21 people down, at his minimal serial killer standard, he may have taken a hit to his image with the discovery of his picture playing croquet.
- Hernandez Shoe Size Revealed to World
Move over Bigfoot! For those using metaphor to measure life, the appearance of Aaron Hernandez’s sneakers at his murder trial may be an exciting moment.
Yes, prosecutors actually publicly exposed Hernandez to the big number. His shoe size is now a matter of public record.
- Ortiz 502, Brady 401
We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.
First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics. On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.
- Tom Brady for President!
With more nitwits running for the Republican nomination than we can count on two hands, we now feel the time is ripe for Tom Brady to throw his deflated football into the ring.
Look out, GOP wannabes. Here’s the real article.
- Souvenir for Sale: Deflated Football
Now you can buy a piece of history. Of course, any time you buy history, you have to deal with inflation that sent the Weimar Republic into the arms of Adolph Hitler.
- Our Hunchback of Gillette Stadium
Of all the grave injustices done to Tom Brady, we never suspected that the worst of the worst would come from a court-deigned sketch artist with delusions of Picasso and Munch.
- Tom Brady’s Plastic Surgery
Tom, we hardly knew ye. There may be many ways to deal with one’s 38th birthday—or Deflategate fallout. Take Tom Brady for instance. He apparently accompanied his wife to Paris sometime this summer for a secret rendezvous with the best face workers in the business.
- Tom Brady Trumps Truman Capote
Leave it to GQ Magazine to set up Tom Brady in a way that Roger Goodell wishes he could. We are almost agog waiting for Tom’s next act in the swim suit competition.
How can 2016 ever compete with this list of horror tales?