2015 Chuckleheads: Dozen Half-Baked Donut Holes

 DATELINE: Worst of Ossurworld

 

At this point in the year we have been asked to review our humor tales and come up with a top dozen of our top 100 blogs.

We certainly noticed certain topics overrun the humor meter: Deflategate, anything Tom Brady, something Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez, Rajon Rondo, and Tom Brady Against the World.

Though we hate to rank our satires, here are 12 you thought you had successfully avoided:

  1. Andrew Luck: Please Read Our Books!

Andrew Luck has now topped Tom Brady and Peyton Manning on the New York Times Book List.

In a post-literate world, Andrew Luck is bringing back the old fashioned values of a bookworm. He reads books. He recommends them to his teammates. Usually his mother recommends them to him. Does anyone have her email address?

11. Sports Media Exaggerations

Buffoons of sports, better known as media insiders of the NFL, have embarrassed themselves with imperfect metaphors.

  1. Celtics Play Hair Ball

We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.

They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.

  1. Rondo Returns from Dead

We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.

We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.

  1. Billy the Kid as the Croquet Kid

You probably have seen the newly confirmed photo of Billy the Kid.

He was the sociopathic killer and dime novel hero of the great American West.  As a dangerous desperado who shot 21 people down, at his minimal serial killer standard, he may have taken a hit to his image with the discovery of his picture playing croquet.

  1. Hernandez Shoe Size Revealed to World

Move over Bigfoot! For those using metaphor to measure life, the appearance of Aaron Hernandez’s sneakers at his murder trial may be an exciting moment.

Yes, prosecutors actually publicly exposed Hernandez to the big number. His shoe size is now a matter of public record.

  1. Ortiz 502, Brady 401

We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics. On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

  1. Tom Brady for President!

With more nitwits running for the Republican nomination than we can count on two hands, we now feel the time is ripe for Tom Brady to throw his deflated football into the ring.

Look out, GOP wannabes. Here’s the real article.

  1. Souvenir for Sale: Deflated Football

Now you can buy a piece of history. Of course, any time you buy history, you have to deal with inflation that sent the Weimar Republic into the arms of Adolph Hitler.

  1. Our Hunchback of Gillette Stadium

Of all the grave injustices done to Tom Brady, we never suspected that the worst of the worst would come from a court-deigned sketch artist with delusions of Picasso and Munch.

  1. Tom Brady’s Plastic Surgery

Tom, we hardly knew ye. There may be many ways to deal with one’s 38th birthday—or Deflategate fallout. Take Tom Brady for instance. He apparently accompanied his wife to Paris sometime this summer for a secret rendezvous with the best face workers in the business.

  1. Tom Brady Trumps Truman Capote

Leave it to GQ Magazine to set up Tom Brady in a way that Roger Goodell wishes he could. We are almost agog waiting for Tom’s next act in the swim suit competition.

 

How can 2016 ever compete with this list of horror tales?

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Rajon Rondo Plays Kick the Cameraman

DATELINE:  Mercurial Garbo/Rondo at Work

 

We never let thousands of miles separate us for too long from our dear nemesis, Rajon Rondo.

This week, as a follow up to slurring a gay referee, Rondo took on the media itself in the form of a baseline camera confrontation.

Kick the camera seems to be the operative phrase. However, a few intrepid souls who saw Rondo’s sole insisted he nudged the camera with his foot.

The usually soulful Rondo played Garbo again, perhaps out of a sense of sentimentality, or maybe because it is the season to be jolly.

The kick-start was meant to force a ground level, baseline cameraman from NBC Sports to stop showing the pain and agony of defeat, as one of Rondo’s teammates was down on the court with injury.

De feet caused de sole to rise up in Rondo’s wrath.

Rondo may suffer from bunions and they kicked up on him.

We suspect that the oft-winner of the Garbo Temperament Award in Boston was not ready for his prime-time close-up in Sacramento.

It could also indicate that Rondo is considering a second career in soccer. We would advise him to use his head more often in that case.

Rondo may also be jealous of the attention now being afforded a new, younger star in another sport. Footman Oddsmell Beckham of the Giants would have used his helmet on the offending camera.

But, we want to assure Rondo: he still has it– from headcase to sole.

Rondo Tries Again to Apologize

 DATELINE:  Rondo’s Song

 

Wooo-boy.  When at first you don’t succeed, take another shot at the free throw line.

Rajon Rondo had to issue a second apology after his first landed on the rim like a brick.

Apparently, we were not the only ones who thought Rondo, always insufferably better than anyone else, was hit with a dope slap by someone higher up (is that you, Kendrick Perkins?). He decided his comments were not playing well in gay clubs.

Let us parse: “Yesterday, I said that my words toward Bill Kennedy were unacceptable and did not reflect my feelings toward the LGBT community. Some have interpreted my comments as a non-apology, I want to be clear, from the bottom of my heart that I am truly sorry for what I said to Bill.

“There is no place on or off the court for language that disrespects anyone’s sexual orientation. That is not who I am or what I believe and I will strive every day to be a better person.”

His team, the Sacramento Kings, issued the statement, likely written by team lawyers with Rondo being force-fed words too harsh for his delicate digestion. Now, according to the statement, he is on a first name basis with “Bill” (referee Kennedy, a hard bird to begin with and not Rondo’s type).

His feelings toward the LGBT community (even in Boston for years) have been lukewarm at best, where people have interpreted his iciness as vying for the title “Snow Queen.”

If Rondo were still in Boston, we’d have another book out of this.

Rondo Speaks with ‘F’ Tongue

DATELINE: Rondo’s Indiscretion

 

Rajon Rondo has gone too far, but it is symptomatic of some men under pressure. Lately he issued a statement he meant no offense to gay people with his tirade on court, on television, for lip readers everywhere to parse.

A suspension followed the Rondolian Death Stare at referee Bill Kennedy in Mexico. In case people did not know why, Bill Kennedy came out of the closet as an “open” gay man, and Rondo was accused of using slurs to demean the long-time referee.

Gay slurs had been a bugaboo of the NBA for years—but had largely disappeared until this latest flap. Of all the gin joints in all the world, Rondo had to use “fag” in his vocabulary in Mexico City, not meaning Brit cigarettes.

Most men who resort to that sort of rage and homophobia usually harbor some inner feelings that make them Nervous Nellies. Imagine having to apply that standard to Rondo. Of all the matters we observed over his years in Boston, we never thought that (tongue firmly in cheek).

We made a cottage industry out of suggesting—nay, labeling Rondo, year after year—as a member of the Unofficial Friends of Dorothy group.  There, we said it. No more hiding between the lines or in the subtle nuances of ambiance.

We always thought of Rondo as a little light headed when it came to the big men. We might also mention he was always a flight risk in his sneakers, as if they were too light to be real loafers.  How often have we learned that the biggest homophobes harbor the deepest worries.

We tried to tie Rondo to so many big men in the game that we have lost track of all those we may have stuck with voodoo pins. It was only Rondo we tried to pin down.

Now, Rondo’s “spokesperson” denied he ever spoke a slur about a gay person. In some ways, we think it true, but like the notorious “n” word among black men, the fairy word seems to roll trippingly off the lips among gay men. Rondo forgot himself.

We hate to end four books on Rondo with a charge of a hate crime, but if you hate, you likely commit the crime privately. We are sorry Rondo has fallen into the hottest of scalding waters, but he can right the ship by admitting he was merely calling one of his kinsmen by his favorite label.

Rondo Returns from Dead for Part of a Game!

DATELINE: Rajon Rondo Superstar Back Again

We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.

We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.

Yes, our former Celtics hero of three books and countless satiric barbs has gone South West. His Sacramento team, aka Sutter’s Mill, went to Mexico in search of the treasure of Sierra Madre, but instead met the mule train of Boston Celtics.

Rondo was not wearing Goldhat’s fashionplate, nor the bandit’s sombrero, but he was clearly the bad guy in this encounter.  Last time he came to Boston, he dumped almost 30 points on his pathetic former team.

This night on the Gold Coast of Inca Land provided fans a different map to the treasure trove.

Oh, we miss Rondo. What a gold mine of satiric caricature. If he were still in Boston, we’d accuse him of causing cosmic radio waves from outer space or giving Charlie Sheen bad advice. Alas, he has left us in a teleportation act worthy of Mr. Spock.

For this night, Rondo only gave us a flash of his demeanor—oh, but what a supernova it was.

Receiving a double technical, he was tossed out of the game. His replacement counterpart, Isaiah Thomas, scored 21 against his former team, and Rondo had only 5 points.

Our Rajon was ejected for simply giving the referee his Rondolian Death Stare for five seconds. It was chilling. Brilliant. Astounding.

We then read his lips and were surprised our boy knew such language.

Oh, yes, we miss Rondo.

 

 

Rondo & the Bean Town Stalk

DATELINE: Return of the Native

Rondo & the Bean Town

Rajon Rondo has never been happier. He is playing again for a championship-bound group where press and media are insignificant. He has truth and beauty in his life again. He surrounds his assist-machine mentality with superstar veterans. He dreams of sugar plum fairies and an NBA banner again.

Now, a mere fortnight since the trade that may leave him quizzical in the middle of the night, he returns to the Boston TD Garden. He shall score at will, make his gaudy triple double stand out like a dagger gleaming in the moonlight as it plunges into the heart of an artichoke.

Returning to Boston too soon, he will endure what he despises: a video tribute to his talent (that got him traded for a bag of chips and two candy bars).

Rondo is about to enter a Twilight Zone—and the victims of this nightmare will be the Boston media, fans, Danny Ainge, Brad Stevens, and all doubters.

Baked bean counters are about to be cooked in their own juices.

Ainge, like Jack Beanstalk’s mother, threw the magic beans out the window—rejecting the prodigal son as a foolish luxury.

Now the giant stalk will drop a giant on Boston’s quaint basketball village.

 

Boston media now sit in a fantasyland that resembles an enchanted Brigadoon, awaiting another banner. They may as well look for water at Timbuktu.

Rondo is bound for glory and greatness again. The little men who once thrived around him may believe they are destiny’s leprechauns, but they will always be the little men who lost a big dream.

Gronk’s Weakness: Big Polish Sausage

DATELINE: Cooking Up a Storm with Gronk

gronkinbed

Gronk has now made an appearance on a cooking show on cable television.

This is the first Boston sports celebrity to try his hand at the oven or hot plate since Rajon Rondo dueled Ray Allen’s wife and lost.

Rondo, of course, always considered himself chef-material. In the case of Gronk, the TV hostess noted he was a gourmand. Perhaps someone explained the term to Gronk before the show because he seemed to understand it meant he liked to eat—and often.

The high point of Rajon’s TV appearance was a snide side glance at Shannon who was telling him how to cook. One had the feeling no one gave Rondo orders—ever, be they menu items or short order appetizers.

For Gronk, he never met a Polish sausage he didn’t like.

Indeed, when Gronk professed with real passion that he loved big Polish sausages, it caused more double-entendre snickers than Mae West used to receive when she admitted she was like Snow White, “but drifted.”

There is no doubt that Gronk can spread charm on a cracker with the best of them. He played “Honey,” his cook off partner as someone making comments that might backfire. Gronk never once considered his own admission for liking the sausage large.

 

The chefs Gronk faced off were clearly fans of other teams and were not so smitten with Gronk’s proportional preferences.

We can only note that it’s too bad Boston sports celebrities don’t appear on cooking shows more often. But, if you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

 

 

Rondo RIP

DATELINE: Death to the Infidel

lumpy

Rajon Rondo said trade rumors were a “way of life,” after some of the most giddy media reports. It wasn’t the rumors of a trade so much as the delight in the notion that Rondo was a dead duck that struck observers.

Trade rumors appeared to be less than a way of life, but more akin to a death knell.

The bell has tolled for Rondo enough times to be a unconstitutional cruel and unusual punishment.

Insiders who claim knowledge usually reserved for the Mahdi or clairvoyants were jumping on the bandwagon with tar and feathers for Rondo as his travel outfit.

Old Ainge pal Kevin McHale figured in some rumors. He was the man who gave Ainge his NBA title seven years ago with Kevin Garnett. Could McHale do it again?

Since the names floated as return investment for Rondo seem rather pale riders, we know that someone has decided Rondo is expendable. His slumping ways in recent weeks may have signaled vulnerability, or just a good time to dump the future salary choke in the Celtics gullet.

There seemed no good match coming to Boston in return for Rondo, but detractors, as always, noted the heavy burden of Rondo lifted from our back was freedom itself.

If Rondo ever felt unwanted, he was experiencing the horror that befell Kendrick Perkins, Kevin Garnett, and Paul Pierce before him.

To be the last dinosaur standing while the asteroid’s impact devastated all that you loved and knew may be enough to send Rondo packing with eager desire.

Rumors had Rondo going West, where young men could find a championship team faster than waiting for the sun to rise in the east.

As for us, we see Rondo’s departure as the onset of a famine and the epitome of a plague on our house. A curse may fall upon the Boston Celtics for their hubris.

Kobe & Rondo Go With Ham & Eggs

DATELINE: BRUNCH DATE

public feast for brunch

Ham & Eggs, Dig In, Kobe & Rondo

Boston is in a tizzy. Rajon Rondo went out to brunch with Kobe Bryant on Thursday morning before the big Friday night game.

Speculation centered on the pros and cons of eating bacon and other high cholesterol foods. And, second, fans were speculating that Kobe was recruiting Rondo for a career high in sunny Los Angeles.

Few fans considered that Rondo was trying to recruit Bryant to the Celtics.

We must admit that we did not even know that Rondo was a big breakfast kind of guy. We always saw him with black coffee and a cruller.

Key to the entire brunch was the conclusion. There are no reports as to which superstar picked up the tab. Since it looked like a cafeteria, not a restaurant, we figure the entire breakfast for two must have gone for under $20. If so, Rondo picked up the tab. He’s not a man to go extravagant with a Laker.

Whatever the price, we know that the meal was tax deductible as a business expense. Then, again, Danny Ainge may have given Rondo an allowance to spend as he sees fit.

If there is an unusual guest in town, Rondo can always pick up the spatula and make one of his gourmet treats in the big kitchen of his luxury condo. Since the meal partner was merely Kobe, Rondo obviously did not splurge.

At least we don’t have the mental picture of them eating brunch in their bathrobes.

Rondo Climbs the Mount and Gives a Sermon

DATELINE: Sermonizing to the Converted

Rondo Listens!

Rajon Rondo admitted it. “I’ve not been myself,” he told the assembled press.

Not since the Sermon on the Mount has such wisdom been dispensed. Rondo promised to whip up a fine repast and banquet with a loaf of stale bread and a sardine by next game. Thus spake Rondo as he offered his Beatitudes.

The wit and wisdom of Rondo was then spread among the faithless in a more than usually revealing interview.

Blessed are the shot-makers, for they shall have assists.

Blessed are the aggressive ball handlers, for they shall reach the paint.

Blessed are the turnover makers, for they shall return to the basket.

Blessed are those who don’t turn the ball over, for they shall enter the Kingdom of Another Banner.

Blessed are those who have a rhythm to their playmaking, for they shall have the hearts of their teammates.

Blessed are those who can make a free throw, for they shall have the confidence of the coach.

Blessed are those who consult with Tommy Heinsohn, for they shall have the wisdom of Bill Russell.

Blessed are those who believe in themselves, for they shall manage to thread a needle and score.

Rajon Rondo’s prayers have not yet been answered. No one answered Truman Capote’s prayers either. This does not look good for the most important man in the Celtics’ organization.

If you feel a wind at your back, it could be another trade rumor blowing hot and cold.

 

Sports Superheroes like Brady, Rondo, & Rodgers

DATELINE: SECRET IDENTITIES

clark kent & bruce wayne

Clark Kent Meets Bruce Wayne

Outside the world of a comic book convention, the real secret identities of Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers will likely be Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.

Of course, we are hard-pressed to yank both men out of the closet and reveal their superhero demeanors to the world.

We speculate that Brady is Bruce Wayne, who parades around as a millionaire playboy. And we think the hard-working stiff with a mild mannered disguise is Clark Kent.

2015 is probably the year that Batman and Superman will go head-to-head in the Super Bowl.

he-men at work

Superman Meets Batman

It’s hard to believe that such heroic young men could hide themselves in such dandified plates of fashion. Yeah, yeah, we remember than Zorro hid behind his foppish alter ego named Don Diego—and yeah, they seek him here and they seek him there—but the Scarlet Pimpernel was a British fop by day.

It seems a good way to throw the public off-balance.

There is a long tradition of superheroes being in the closet, so to speak.

Why, just this week in Boston, another superhero, our own Rajon Rondo, was caught out of his Spiderman costume and talking to Zombie Heinsohn.

Rondo Listens!

Naked Spiderman Meets Zombie

You never can read too much into a photo.

Over the Rainbow with Jelly and Philly Pressey

 DATELINE: HUMOR

3some

If the Detroit Pistons were a city, they’d be ….Detroit.

If Jelly O’Sully were a threesome, it would include Philly Steak Cutlet.

One of the worst teams in the NBA had their fourth quarter opportunity to knock off a leading Boston Celtics team. Unlike every other team the Celtis have played this season, the Pistons did not overcome.

It was a night that saw Rajon Rondo pulled off the court repeatedly. Was he injured? Well, his ego took a beating. Coach Brad Stevens feared he would be fouled in a critical situation—and the coach did not want Rondo at the free throw line.

When Rondo has a free throw, the game gets thrown in the hopper.

Also, it was a game in which the Golddust Twin KO Kelly Olynyk returned from whence no traveler usually returns. He actually played aggressive basketball, not his usually oversensitive style.

He livened up when Phil Pressey came on court to replace Rondo. Both young men fired up and raced around the court with crisp passes. They took control of the Celtics—overshadowing even the return of Marcus Smart.

Yet, the Celtics were not in the catbird seat by any means. You see Jared Sullinger went on hiatus until the overtime period. Then, he saw the hoop and started spewing three-point shots from the arc.

We were delighted to see the return of Jelly O’Sully with their boy Elroy Pressey.

Peabody and Sherman is an imperfect metaphor for the doglike devotion between Pressey and Olynyk.

Tom Brady Satirizes Tom Brady

DATELINE: Semi Satire

Tom as Satire

You cannot satirize a satire. At least that has been the literary rule, but rules are made to be broken—and in this age, no one knows the literary rules anyhow.

Tom Brady, whom we lauded earlier this week for NOT descending into puerile commercial endeavor has gone viral as a figure worthy of opere buffe. Check out his latest commercial.

Sporting a mullet wig, Tom overcame his natural tendency for hair plugs and instead plugged in a pocket protector into his short-sleeve dress shirt breast pocket.

Voila, you had instant Tom Brady fan.

Calling himself Gary and pretending to be a telephone marketer, Tom showed that even with a three day growth of chin spinach, he was funny.

We have seen Peyton Manning wearing odd disguises meant to be funny, and we have watched Aaron Rodgers pump himself up in a fat suit, but Tom had stayed pure in his Uggs—until now.

With a fashion sense that makes him the only athlete in Boston who can give fashion tips to Rajon Rondo, Tom let all that savoir faire go out the window with Giselle’s hand-me-downs.

We’ve seen the commercials they run on Sundays during football season—and we know the meaning of low brow.

Somehow, we always expected Tom Brady to stand high above that sort of shenanigan, but now he seems to be wallowing in the truffle brigade with the other greedy hogs.

No, we never expected Brady to end up doing Noel Coward, but we never expected him to look like a reject from Pee Wee’s Playhouse either.

 

 

 

 

Warm Up Those Celtics Appetizers for the Big Day

DATELINE: Celts and Pats Underfed

Jones & O'Brien

On the Sunday before the Patriots travel to Lambeau Stadium in Green Bay to play the Packers in a dress rehearsal for the Super Bowl, the lowly Celtics have been relegated to hors d’oeuvres status.

As we look at the struggles of the team, Rajon Rondo remains the superstar of the present. Of course, with the team sinking faster than a leaky rowboat, Rondo begins to look like a hot dog on a toothpick when it comes to Sunday appetizers.

Jelly O’Sully may be the only sweet cake on the menu.

Otherwise, we have bacon-wrapped shrimps like Avery Bradley.

Most of the team makes a delicious party toast, which can be topped with beans and red onions. Unfortunately, as Coach Brad Stevens will tell you: the finish may mean bicarb for all eaters.

Green limejuice seems to be the seasonal choice for Celtics as you cover your favorite peanuts, fried by game’s end.

This cocktail favor will go down much easier after three or four apertifs during halftime.

If you put your little meatballs in a chafing dish, you may find you don’t break out in a rash by the fourth quarter when all hors d’oeuvres go south.

When the team starts to dip in midperiod, it may be time for a caramelized onion dip or you could look into the heart of an artichoke before the Celtics choke. Guacamole is a great game dip, but we urge you to save that for Green Bay’s demise.

As you can see, the holidays often mean the Celtics will be a mere cracker with cheese before the mighty Patriotic appetizers whet our taste for a February football game. By then, most of the hors d’oeuvres on the Celtics will be traded for a pig in a blanket.

Boston’s Tofu Turkey Awards

DATELINE:  Cranberry Sauce Optional

tofu turkey

Yes, it’s that time again when patriotic Red Riding Hoodie makes his way out to Green Bay to lay a turkey on the doorstep of Big Bad Wolf Aaron Rodgers.

The real winner of this year’s Tofu Turkey Award is Boston’s weather, dropping snow, rain, sleet, and whatever else was up in the atmosphere on the head of Bill Belichick. Not even a friendly weatherman could save the New England Coach.

Another Tofu Turkey will likely end up on the table of free agent pitcher Jon Lester, sent COD by King John Henry VIII.

Tofu Turkeys seem to be on the tables of all those extraneous players for the Red Sox that seem doomed to be traded for a pitcher: so long, Will Middlebrooks, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt, and Daniel Nava. Let’s not forget Yopenis.

Rajon Rondo of the Celtics, chef par excellence, plans on cooking a Tofu Turkey for all the teammates he hopes he never has to play with again. They have dropped more passes than a butterball turkey still frozen.

He also sent a Tofu Turkey to Kevin Love in Cleveland. It was like rubbing tofu in the wound. Love already knows his bird is overcooked, and he should have bought a microwave in Boston.

No Celtics seemed to be at the Reggie Lewis turkey giveaway for poor people this year. Tofu Turkey all around for those genuine turkeys in the Celtics organization.

Jelly O’Sully will receive the cranberries runner-up award for making a losing team fun. Thank you, Olynyk and Sullinger.

Of course, the big Tofu Turkey again goes this year to Aaron Hernandez who waived his court appearance this week, making his fans anticipate the big Tofu Turkey’s trial in January.