Sumo Like It Hot for Tom Brady

DATELINE: Great Wall of China Meets Great Brady

sumo like it hot

When Under Armor sends Tom Brady around the world in eight days, you can expect some great moments.

Phileas Finn had his sidekick, and Tom Brady had his young son along for the ride.

So, the Greatest of All Time in football quarterbacking met the Greatest of All Time in Walls. It was enough to make President Trump jealous. Or, perhaps Tom was there to give Trump a report on how well walls work in the world.

Great Wall Meets Great Brady

Sublime met the ridiculous again when Brady decided to doff his shirt (not stolen by agents of North Korea) and do a tag team wrestling match against some heavyweight Sumo guys.

Tom is not quite the Pillsbury Doughboy when it comes to muscle, but he is not Arnold either. He posed, rather ill-advisedly with Sumo wrestlers in their diaper wraps. Tom had the good taste to wear his patented sleepwear pantaloons.

Some Brady groupies are agog at the fleshpot photos of Brady among the Sumos.  We are less impressed that Sumo like it hot.

Pictures like these generally come back to haunt. In this case, it may never go away long enough to be missed. We may take a long time to try to expunge the image from our memory banks.

We can’t imagine that Tom will sell his sleepware to many wrestlers who seem to revel in having their hot flesh bare in bed.

We aren’t sure who is advising Tom on this latest cavort. At least he managed to escape the clutches of his own Passepartout, Julian Edelman, for a few days.

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MacBird Outdid Trump as Caesar 45 years ago

 Julius Trump?

DATELINE:  Shakespeare in Absentia

We have seen many updated versions of Shakespeare over the years. Indeed, we enjoy seeing the Bard transported to new locations and timeframes. It often electrifies the message that has become stale to modern audiences.

We have seen Shakespeare set in Nazi Germany (Richard III), in the world of bikers (Coriolanus), in the world of independent film students (Hamlet), a corporate boardroom (Othello), and now we find a stage production of Julius Caesar in American politics.

The Shakespeare in the Park production makes Caesar a lookalike Donald Trump who hath grown ambitious. He has that chock of blond hair weave and an overlong red tie. He also has a bloated ego.

The man who would be emperor is assassinated by senators with knives, just like 2000 years ago. How much progress we have made in politics?

This version has created a firestorm, causing corporate sponsors to try to stifle artistic expression by withdrawing support. It’s a tempest in a teapot.

We think back to the Vietnam War days—and back then we must have been less sensitive because Macbeth was presented on stage in the form of MacBird.

That little ditty suggested that Lyndon Johnson had been behind the assassination of John Kennedy. In this cruel satire, without the Shakespearean tongue, the Scottish thane Macbird and his wife, Lady Bird, are party to a ruthless series of killings to rise to the top of the nation. Was Lyndon not born of woman?

We recall amusement about seeing a dumb tasteless play that presented President Johnson portrayed for conspiracy theorists  as Macbeth, but it did not quite engender the furor that President Trump has exemplified in a Caesar mode.

Satirizing politics of the moment has become a dangerous business. Just ask Alec Baldwin or Kathy Griffin who claim they are subject to social anger on social media.

So, too, Julius Caesar has created a debate—not about politics, but about art. To be or not, we’ll wait for the movie version.

Twin Peaks, Trump Plains, & Celtics Lows

DATELINE:  LeBron James as Laura Palmer, Trump as D.B. Cooper

glowing orb

Chicken or egg? We can’t figure out if the Trump Administration has prepared us for the new series Twin Peaks, or whether Twin Peaks has prepared us for the continuing weirdness of the Trump presidency.

When we see President Trump putting his hands on a glowing orb, we know there is a conspiracy of billionaires to control the world. Of course, it is merely a futuristic ribbon-cutting scene from the most recent Star Wars movie. Either that, or it is opening a gateway to an alternate universe, like the plots of Twin Peaks.

By the same token, we feel as if watching the Cleveland Cavaliers with the Boston Celtics is like knitting by Madame Defarge while royalty is having their heads chopped off.

On Twin Peaks, agent DB Cooper has returned to the northwest after disappearing for 25 years. That David Lynch has such a sense of humor.  So far, McLachlan has not rubbed any glowing orbs, but has kissed dead Laura Palmer (Cheryl Lee).

On the Celtics, little Cousin IT (Isaiah Thomas) and AB (Avery Bradley) are from the same neck of the woods in Washington state which happens to be the setting for Twin Peaks. It could explain a lot about how the Celtics are playing like Laura Palmer’s body wrapped in plastic.

Even stranger, we were amazed to see Kyle McLachlan and Sheryl Lee looking just like they stepped out of a 1990s TV show.  It becomes even more amazing when David Lynch has to inject a phrase at the end of every episode of the show that the episode is dedicated to the memory of one of the cast members who is now dead. We mean really really dead dead, like the log lady Catherine Coulson and the FBI agent played by Miguel Ferrer.

As for the dead Celtics, they are merely playing in an alternate universe, sort of like Twin Peaks 25 years later. If there is a glowing orb in the NBA, they better start rubbing it now. Lebron is no Laura Palmer.

Tom Brady & Trump Face Inflategate

DATELINE:  More Fake News or Inflate-gate 

 Trumped

Tom Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, has just hammered the quarterback with the Madden curse. If you don’t have enemies, your wife may be just as good as a substitute.

Maybe bachelorette Julian Edelman knows something he should have explained to Tom.

With supermodel Giselle’s announcement of Tom’s unreported and secret concussions over the years, she has made more trouble for him than actual concussions.

There’s nothing worse than a latent headache. You can bet the NFL will now subpoena Brady and hire a special researcher.

Before the new 2017 season begins, Tom will be under investigation for covering up medical injuries. Will we learn that he has a private Russian doctor recommended by President Trump? Has the FBI enough agents to send a few to locate Tom Brady’s secret medical file?

Since Roger Goodell has seen the light of brain disease associated with football, he now has more reason than ever to stop Tom Brady’s career dead in its tracks. There’s nothing more exciting for Goodell than to beat a dead horse. His favorite derby nag is Tom Brady.

We are now convinced that Tom Brady’s showboating by smashing a mirror and walking under a ladder were signs of concussive behavior. He had brain lock.

If this is not the same as a Madden Curse, this scandal will do until a good one comes along.

Tom and his representatives are not issuing a statement. The Patriots are not issuing a statement. Bill Belichick is not issuing a statement.

Tom’s only comments today: he wished LeBron James and Isaiah Thomas good luck in their playoff extravaganza. It was Big Papi sitting courtside, not Tom Brady. Tom will have another day in court.

Tom will have to hide from the press about as much as former FBI Director James Comey. Questions abound and rebound.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Concussion-gate Rivals Trump-gate

DATELINE: Move Over, Watergate and Deflategate

 duke & duchess of Foxboro

Not tonight, dear. He has a headache.

Like his friend Donald Trump, Tom Brady has a big headache.

No, it isn’t James Comey. It’s Tom’s wife, Giselle Bundchen. The superstar model gave an interview in which she announced Tom had a concussion this past season on the road to the Super Bowl.

In fact, she said he had many concussions over the years. Uh-oh.

This was news to the NFL and Roger Goodell as well as the Players Union. There are rules about medical reports and who can play if he is concussed.

Goodell never ducks an issue like concussions, and now Giselle has given him another shot at Tom’s head.

You know there is trouble when the doctor who was played by Will Smith and blew the whistle on concussions in the NFL has called Giselle heroic.

Tom may have another word for her.  We may now see who wears the pants on the runway at Tom’s house.

Trump could fire Comey, but Tom may be up the creek with Giselle and her half-billion-dollar bank account. The Patriots are staying mum on Tom’s children’s mum, but we know that Jose Baez will be the first to offer his services if Concussion-gate gets messy.

We think Julian Edelman may have to recuse himself, and we aren’t sure if Bill Belichick will be subpoenaed to appear before Congress.

The Patriots may need to ask for a second opinion before the man with the Fountain of Youth admits he has feet of clay.

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Tom Brady & Giselle Host Gala at the Met

 DATELINE:  La Dolce Vita

 duke & duchess of Foxboro   trevi

Duke & Duchess of Foxboro Smooching like Marcello & Anita

The ashes and embers of the late Aaron Hernandez from cremation have not even cooled off for Tom’s  dead pal and occasional murderer.

Yet, Tom Brady is running up and down the grand staircase at the Met Gala, dressed in a nattily Tom Ford designed dinner jacket with matching bowtie.

Brady is single-handedly bringing back the concept of metrosexuality. As for Hernandez, let the dead bury the dead.

Together with his wife Giselle Bundchen, the New England Patriot power couple appears like a New York power couple, not our suburban couple from Foxboro, Glendale, or Brookline. You’d almost think Tom played for the Giants.

Staying at their Manhattan co-op apartment, they fit right into the New York art scene. Tom and Gisele can play the Duke and Duchess of Windsor until they’re in their 70s.

Why mingle with the hoi polloi like Julian Edelman and Gronk when you can hobnob with the swells at the Met?

Indeed, the mighty Brady couple are playing together like the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, over a decade younger than the Boston power couple. Of course, pretension in the society pages is a great deal more fun than eating buffalo wings at the Super Bowl.

Tom and Gisele are posing like Young Love for the adoring fans and cameras.  You almost have to ignore the onset of middle-age when they show up.

We almost felt like they were turning the clock back to the 1950s single-handedly. Where is Federico Fellini when you need him? We expect Tom and Gisele to stroll fully clothed into the Fountain of Trevi in Rome as their next publicity stunt.

White House Fiasco for Patriots

34 missing

34 Missing Patriots Shamed Team, Country, & Themselves

Pats owner Bob Kraft announced that he gave $1million to the Trump election committee before he showed up to the White House for a celebration with President Donald Trump.

Kraft will not miss a White House Rose Garden meeting in order to receive his money’s worth out of the Trump connection.

On the other hand, Tom Brady was not there. Yep, Tom is now citing personal reasons for bailing on a second presidential visit. He hopes, in a text message, to be at a future celebration. He really does expect to play until he is 50.

The stumble-bum contingent who have skipped spending an hour with President Trump just received cover from friendly fire from Tom. The shameful 34 are in his debt.

On top of avoiding a political firestorm, Tom avoided answering questions about his friendship with the late Aaron Hernandez who came to the end of his rope earlier in the day. The Patriots made no one available to the media who knew Hernandez.

We have assiduously avoided discussing the Patriot White House visit, but let’s face it: this may be the biggest watershed moment for the team in the Belichick years.

Believe it or don’t—Brady sent out hints that he was staying home with his parents on their wedding anniversary. Hunh?

However, the truth may be far more distressing: Brady chose not to go upon learning that Aaron Hernandez, a one-time California training partner, had committed suicide—and left a note to his gay prison lover (assiduously avoided topic in Boston’s sports media).

Tom dodged a subpoena with as much grace as he dodged any mention of his name in conjunction with Hernandez. The prosecutors did not want to touch the gay angle—nor the Brady angle to the murder story. If Coach Belichick could offer insights into Hernandez’s character, Brady could have offered much more.

So, President Trump hosted on the South Lawn a depleted Patriot squad. Criticism of the missing Patriots (numbering 34) made it the worst attended championship function ever hosted by a United States president in terms of personnel percentage.

When the New York Times raised the issue, the Patriots swung back with a hard tackle and insisted 40 members of the office entourage chose to remain in the audience rather than take a picture on the steps behind Mr. Trump. Hunh? That’s a most peculiar choice considering in 2015 everyone chose to be in the presidential photo.

The Times had to apologize for their story, though we cannot fathom why.

Jimmy G was the main QB featured over the right shoulder of Mr. Trump, and Julie E. was on the left shoulder, presumably in the spot where Brady would have stood. Jacoby Brissett was there, but released a letter to former President Obama almost immediately, asking for an audience with him.

Gronk was there, and interrupted an international press briefing in a strange move. Amendola was called out by the President for his contributions to the team. This error was made because Trump mentioned no one who skipped the ceremony (including Tom). Someone didn’t tell him that Amendola was at a funeral out of town.

Trump rightly praised often overlooked Patriots, but praised no one who was on the bubble with the team (like Malcolm Butler or missing James White).

All in all, it was a sour celebratory visit, though Mr. Kraft and Mr. Belichick smiled with half-hearted pleasure. The ghost of Hernandez and the ghost of political hatred marred the event.

For Pats fans, the less said, the better.

 

 

 

 

Aaron Hernandez Unmasked

DATELINE:  Who Goes There?

AHinHOF

It has taken only a scant 48 hours for the Aaron Hernandez memorabilia business to start booming.

Dirt has come tumbling out of his life in the hours after his death.  He purportedly waxed the floor of his cell with soap in order to make sure he would slip and break his neck whether the hanging worked or not.

His body will be buried without a brain, which seems fitting, as his lawyers want Boston University to study this organ for concussion damage.

Chico, as he was called and not in deference to the Marx Brothers comedy team, was said to have written John 3:16 in blood on the wall, but in red ink on his own forehead. He had to print small because there’s very little space between his hairline and his eyebrows, sort of like early Neanderthal.

Some say he left three suicide notes, though the earliest report said there were no suicide notes. The notes have been left to his wife, his daughter, and according to the most reliable sources (the Daily Mail), his gay prison lover (who remains unidentified so far). Anyone reading these blogs for the past few years know that we have the world scooped on that one.

There is a fight brewing over his NFL pension, which is considerable and should go to his daughter, but he may not have left a will and, of course, never married Shayanna.

Since Chico’s death, Tom Brady has gone into seclusion, not even venturing out for the White House party with Mr. Trump.

You can certainly expect more dirty laundry to be aired before Hernandez is fittingly put into the ground.

Hernandez Vacated, Whitewashed, & Cleaned Up

HangMan

DATELINE: Hanging by a Thread

The cold corpse of Aaron Hernandez is undergoing an autopsy, but in the meantime, he has been given a dispensation and clean bill of criminal health by the crazed Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

You see, Hernandez is innocent until proven guilty.

Apparently, his appeal process has been circumvented by an act of suicide. It’s the old story about murdering your parents—and asking for mercy because you’re an orphan.

In the immortal words of American philosopher, Chester A. Riley, “What a revolting development this is.”

It seems in liberal Massachusetts if you die before you have run out of appeals in court, you are declared “Not Guilty!”  Wow. And then some.

Hence, Aaron Hernandez will have his conviction for murder vacated.

In a practical sense, this makes no sense.

The technicality means the NFL can declare Aaron Hernandez eligible as an NFL player. The New England Patriots can re-sign him.  And most of all, history books must now list him as innocent of the murders of three people.

Fortunately, our sad and sorry books on Hernandez are already a series of jokes. (See Amazon for the facts).

Vacated sentences make it harder for civil suits to claim wrongful death. It means the world of Massachusetts is a place of Folly as well as Folderol.

Killing yourself before you are completely guilty in the eyes of the court is one way to beat the system, scoff at the law, and thumb your nose at justice.

Aaron Hernandez might have been clever, but surely he did not expect to be declared innocent up on his own, purportedly self-induced, death.

Of course, in Massachusetts, you can expect an investigation to uncover whether Hernandez was actually murdered in his cell. As we recall, the same fate befell the Boston strangler, Albert DiSalvo, murdered in his jail cell.

Revolting? Only in terms of the old Soviet process of revising history to suit the powers that be. It’s technical name is historical Negationism.

Rajon Rondo & Malcolm Butler Kick Celtics in End

DATELINE:  Celtics Not the Patriots

 RondoLaughs

You know Malcolm Butler wants to be traded.

On the same day he signed his $3.9 million tender contract with the Patriots, he went to the Boston Celtics playoff game in town and sat behind the Celtics bench.

Followers of NBA basketball know that this has been an emotionally distressing week for the team.  Star scoring machine and tiny tot superman Isaiah Thomas has been playing despite the death of his sister in Washington state after a car accident.

The courage and determination of Thomas may serve as inspiration for most to do their job: the Belichick mantra.

Butler who has tried to orchestrate a trade out of town—and may be setting himself up for a permanent trip to nowhere else sat behind the grieving Celtics.

Butler found himself making disparaging comments to the Celtics players. What??

The Patriots have maintained a “we’re all in Boston together” attitude for years. You always expect Patriot stars to be cheerleaders for their other sports counterparts.

Butler really does want to leave town when he knocks the Celtics and sits next to them during a hideous playoff game. The only other player to do that during the game was Rajon Rondo, one-time Celtics legend, now shilling brilliantly for the Chicago Bulls as their star point guard.

Rondo looked glorious in his black Bulls outfit and creamed the Celtics with his masterful passing and near triple double.

Perhaps Butler thinks Rondo is still wearing green.

Perhaps Butler is preparing to refuse to go to the White House to meet with President Trump, set to honor the Patriots.

In the meantime, the hapless Celtics were kicked when down by a soon-to-be ex-Patriot. It’s okay, fans. An ex-Celtic is kicking the hapless Celtics into the ground too. Rondo spent the weekend walking around Boston, signing autographs and wearing prison-stripe black & white pajama bottoms to the game.

We still love Rondo even if he never goes to Patriot games anymore. We aren’t sure about Malcolm Butler.

Looming, Blooming Headlines for Hernandez

DATELINE: Likely Headlines You’ll See

scary

With the Easter celebrations looming, we have three possible headlines for the Hernandez jury.

First is our least favorite: “Hernandez Crucified by Jury!”

Second is another unpopular possibility: “Hernandez Rises on Easter Weekend!”

Third is ever more frighteningly possible: “Hernandez Hung Jury”.

Of course, the possibilities grow in Boston: “Blooming Hernandez, Not Guilty!”

We do like: “Good Friday: Hernandez Guilty!”

Or, on Marathon Weekend in Boston: “Hernandez Runs Away from Justice!”

We are also ready with: “Patriots Day for Hernandez!”

“Springtime for Hitler & Hernandez” is for those who like ironic celebration.

“Shot Heard ‘Round Foxboro,” can go either way. Take it or leave it.

To honor Paul Revere and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, we thought about: “Hardly a Man is Now Alive!” and “Don’t Shoot till You See Whites of Their Eyes!”

Boston is also celebrating Random Acts of Kindness this weekend. We wonder if the jury will show mercy to Hernandez and send him back to his Shirley prison cell. Shirley, we jest.

To honor Joan Baez and Jose Baez, our headline “Where Have All Flowers Gone?” has a springtime lilt.

Of course, it is far more likely we will lead with “Belichick Vindicated!” We have now learned that Belichick was served with a subpoena and ignored it.

Belated April Fools in Boston

DATELINE: Weird Sports & Fake News

 ALF

April in Boston sports is a dubious time for the most part. For example, this past weekend the city dodged a springtime snowstorm. And, we are preparing for a spate of human interest stories centering on Boston Marathon bombing survivors.

Yet, Opening Day for the Red Sox was pleasant—and all the dubious elements converged on Fenway Park.

We weren’t sure what would arrive and when.

Take, for instance, Gronk who’d been in Florida where he incensed football fans by jumping into the middle of a wrestlemania match, jeopardizing his bad back.

The Lombardi Trophy under the care of the Patriots again found itself involved in a storm related accident in Maine over the weekend, where Bambi’s descendant met an untimely end.

Tom Brady’s stolen Super Bowl jersey was returned from international intrigue and media duplicity in time to show up for the Red Sox to inspire them.

And, we aren’t even mentioning the former Patriot who was not at the game because he was in a courtroom being tried for murder.

However, almost all was good. Brady and owner Bob Kraft were there with the QB ready to throw out the First Pitch of the season with a check for $14million in his back pocket, his latest lump earnings for football work.

Then, as Brady held up his jersey at the game for the crowd’s edification, a purse-snatcher ran past and grabbed the shirt. Not to worry: it was only the mentally challenged Gronk into his latest lunacy.

Like a Wrestle-mania performance, we suspect this was staged. Brady had to chase down his tight end to retrieve the jersey before 40,000 fans in ecstasy.

Oh, by the way, the Red Sox won the game. It’s never easy to write humor blogs in Boston.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tom Brady & Deer Hunter

DATELINE: Super Bowl LI Trophy Kills One

Brady & Deer Hunter  Brady & Killer Trophy

Not one day after Tom Brady received a $14 million signing bonus, delayed money from the past season, he found himself almost the 20th ranking, lowly paid quarterback in the NFL.

Brady made no allusion to his windfall on his Instagram account, but rather took a shot at the liberal, anti-Trump Boston Globe with a picture of their too early headline flub at the Super Bowl. Brady cited “hashtag fake news” as part of his April Fool joke.

Yes, self-righteous and incorrect Globe had put out an edition, reading, “A bitter end.”  Of course, the Pats won that game with its historic comeback.

Brady obviously has a copy of the errant Globe—and like Harry Truman holding up a newspaper showing his defeat to Tom Dewey, Brady is lambasting the Globe on the Fool’s Day for little faith in the Patriots.

Yet, the high price of the NFL for the Patriots reached its zenith on April Fool’s Day when a major, late-season snow storm hit New England. It was a day when we covered it all: snow, deer hunting, Trump, fake news, Aaron Hernandez, and the Lombardi trophy.

The coveted and prized Lombardi trophy that Brady held high at the Super Bowl Victory Parade in Boston a scant few weeks ago, in a raging snowstorm, met an untimely accident in Maine.

Yes, a Patriot security guard, and a Maine State trooper, were involved in taking the trophy to its public appearance on Saturday. Alas, another state mascot came to a bitter end when the car carrying the trophy struck the deer. Oh, dear, the deer is no more.

The Patriot trophy is now emulating killer Aaron Hernandez.

All involved were more worried that the car accident in Maine might delay the trophy from its next big pit stop at Fenway Park on Monday. It is scheduled to make an appearance at Opening Day.

No word if any Patriots ever show up with the trophy or whether it reserves its own life, even at the cost of wildlife.