The Haunting of Patriot Place

DATELINE: Your Worst Nightmare


The ghost of Malcolm Butler now walks the halls of Patriot Place. Forget the Overlook Hotel and its shining denizens. Foxboro will be a worthy subject for Stephen King.

Like unfriendly spirits, this Patriot specter may hang around for decades, frightening children and bringing back the horrors of Super Bowl LII.

Bad karma often is behind the haunting appearances of ghosts.  We recall in Boston that the ghost of Babe Ruth put a curse on the Red Sox for 80 years. We now wonder if the ghost of Malcolm Butler might do the same for the Patriots.

If you wonder why the Patriots never win another Super Bowl in the 21st century, you will be wise to remember that the Butler did it.

Like some benighted head of the Inquisition, Bill Belichick made his decisions to burn the defense at the stake during the Super Bowl. Heretics be damned, and leading the charge was the ingrate (in Swami Belichick’s eyes), the man who tried to jump ship before the season began: Malcolm Butler.

It was an unforgivable sin—and now Malcolm Butler has paid for it with his reputation. Oh, someone will give him a big payday—and perhaps he will fade into oblivion in some other football venue.

However, in Foxboro, his curse will be laid upon Tom Brady worse than broken mirrors and contempt for sports superstition.

The howls in the night and the bumps and bangs you hear are the restless spirits of players done dirt by Bill Belichick.

Though he may go into retirement, he will leave a haunted Patriot Place for Josh McDaniels, forcing him to call in ghostbusters and hold séances for the betterment of the Kraft legacy.

Move over, Shirley Jackson, Gillette Stadium is the new house on Haunted Hill.



DATELINE: Penknife Mightier than the Sword


Now read all your favorite blogs for the year in one handy location: your tablet, your smartphone, or your computer.


Now available, The Loser’s Edition.

Normally we compile a book of annual snide comments about the winner of the Super Bowl, but this year we change horses in the fourth quarter.

Now you can trace the sour grapes of Malcolm Butler up to the sacking by Coach Belichick in the final hours!

Now you can see the complete reviews and reactions to Tom Brady’s reality TV series and all its deadly fallout!

Now you can learn how Trump has poisoned the Patriot well of victory!

Now you can find the fake news about Gronk’s Hollywood career!

Now you cannot find much about Julian Edelman, but he still shows up on the pages now and then!

Now you can see how the Yalta Peace Talks between Kraft, Belichick, and Brady really came about and really went nowhere!

Now available on Amazon, cheap price, cheap words, cheap ideas!

Recommended for smart readers always!



Safe & Secure NFL Players

 DATELINE: Crime Watch, NFL-Style

Zo mark

Community policing is alive and well in Frostbite Falls, at the Super Bowl.

Rest easy, you Patriots and Eagles, in the sanctity of your locker rooms.

Your NFL security is at work—unlike last year when someone in the fake media had the temerity to take Tom Brady’s blouse when he stripped down.

This year no player will lose his shirt—or pants—before he is ready to surrender them to the Hall of Fame.

The media isn’t the only one with a chip on its shoulder. Now, the NFL is making sure that fake media have been given the chip that is usually associated with your pet. Not under the skin yet.

If a member of the press does not press in or out, the computer will mark them out permanently. Heaven forbid that some careless sports reporter mislays his innocence.

If you lose your chip, you won’t be able to cash in.

Players no longer need fear losing their pants, but their heads and hearts still belong to the media member with the biggest calling card.

It’s a short jump betwixt the shower and the stall and your memorabilia will no longer be available for grabs like some wedding dress at the discount bridal store. The worst that can happen is that someone may sniff your jockstrap, but they will leave it on you (for those who wear undergarments—not many based on our unofficial count).

When you go to the shower, or to visit the winner’s circle, you may rest easy that upon returning, your uniform will be pressed into some branded designer bag, ready to go home, as you are either nursing your wounds, or stuffing your pants with confetti from the winner’s circle.


Asteroid Threatens Super Bowl LII

DATELINE: Brady Rejects Distraction

brady mirror

According to USA Today, “An asteroid spanning one-third of a mile will hurtle past earth at some 76,000 mph on Super Bowl Sunday.”

This may not be the half-time show that Justin Timberlake envisioned.

If NFL owners want bigger ratings, we suspect that bringing all the fans to their knees during the National Anthem is hardly the way to do it. Pray that the asteroid lands in Canada, preferably on Oak Island, in order to open up the Money Pit.

We cannot imagine which team will benefit from an asteroid strike on Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. One likely ramification of an asteroid hitting will be that the concussion protocol will be needed for everyone.

Tom Brady will likely assure us that his TB12 Method will transcend even asteroids about the plummet to Earth and kill all of us.

Boston pundits are now claiming that this is all part of Bill Belichick’s plan of disinformation to upset the Philadelphia Eagles. The only action that might be more disruptive and disturbing will be to have President Trump show up for the coin-toss.

According to Sarah Suckerbee Hitchens, White House press and pull bully, the asteroid has been banned from entering the United States by Executive Order.

Chief-of-Staff John Kelly, another Patriot fan, has hinted that the powers over at Area 51 will deflect the asteroid to Philadelphia where the damage will be considered less than a disaster zone.

How much damage could a nearly 2000-foot-wide asteroid damage do when it hits Tom Brady at 76,000 miles per hour? We suspect little– as his new TV series shows that his head may be denser than an asteroid, slower than a speeding bullet, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Asteroids be damned, the half-time extravaganza must go on.








Rocky Time for Super Bowl Losers

DATELINE:  Wagering on Super Bowl LII

Rocky M Rocky

In an unparalleled version of fake news, the real Rocky will be the subject of a wager against the fake Rocky.

You guessed it:  those publicity-seeking mayors are wagering on their respective teams again. Philadelphia versus the City of Champions, Brockton.  It’s the fictional Rocky Balboa of movies versus Rocky Marciano whose original retreat was Brockton. All those Rocky movies with Sylvester Stallone were set in Philly. Since the Patriots and Eagles are fighting it out in the Super Bowl, the mayors saw their chance and pounced.

If the Eagles win, the statue of Rocky Marciano will be decked out in Philly cheese-steak and, if the Patriots win, clam chowdah will be dumped on Rocky Balboa.

It must be an election year. In any respect, Mayors Kenney of Philly and Carpenter of Brockton met recently at a mayors’ conference in Washington, D.C., apparently on vacation from their hometowns. There, they met between conference panels on real issues to settle the score on fake issues.

Brockton bills itself as the City of Champions (a few other boxers you may never have heard of came from there too). Alas, Brockton has been down in the dumps for years economically.

Philadelpha, home of cream-cheese and cheese-steak, bills itself as the City of Brotherly Love. Alas, Philly has its pitfalls too.

So, it’s a match of those who love champs and chumps. The loser of Super Bowl LII will wear the other city’s uniform for a time, and be subject to thrown rotten tomatoes and sundry other items of bad taste.




Tom Brady’s Five Finger Exercise

DATELINE:  New England Patriot Horror Movie


Let the hand-wringing begin.

No one can shake Tom Brady’s hand this week. If it ain’t broke, can he play with all fingers?

When the Patriots called for all hands on deck during practice on Wednesday, the hand of Tom Brady was among the missing. Usually he keeps his pitching mitt in his cozy hand warmer, but this week it has been a specimen under observation by the greatest medical minds the Kraft family can find.

The handicraft of Tom Brady may be in jeopardy.

Like the hands of a stranger, Brady’s hand is like an alien creature being tested for performance enhancing capabilities. We want to hold his hand like a Beatle, but his circulation could be at risk.

Glad-handers among the media have dismissed the notion that the Patriots needed a Handiwipe to keep the Pats from falling into Trump’s s**thole.

Reports circulate that Handsome Tom Brady has been unable to give hand signals when he drives his Astin-Martin, and his hand gestures have been limited to the usual Trump vocabulary.

After a freak accident, the freakish Brady’s hand no longer can grip a football. It may be time for a hand-me-down to the next quarterback on the roster. Yikes.

We can count the chances for Patriot victory on Sunday on one hand if Tom Brady is not handy.

If Tom can’t get a handle on the ball Sunday, TV ratings will be handed off like a fat woman pouring coffee on her  bosom as in the commercial for DirecTV.

The Patriots will lose hands down if Tom Brady must handoff to Brian Hoyer.

Don’t ask the Patriots for a show of hands.

The Jacksonville Jaguars may prove to be more than a handful.

We are unsure of the Patriots will be able to get a hand on another victory this season if the ball slips out of Brady’s hand.

Celtics Usurp Patriots in Season Finale

 DATELINE: Sunny Tzu in Boston

Tatum, Gronk, Kyrie

In one of the great anticlimaxes of Patriot history, the Tom Brady team defeated the New York Jets in less than impressive fashion than your usual worthless score numbers.

The really exciting moment was a TV commercial in the middle of the game.

If anyone enjoyed playing in one of the coldest games in Foxboro in a generation, they did not show it. The game was a job for players, and a task for fans who stayed away because it was New Year’s Eve and about ten degrees on the field.

Brady was the smartest man on the field, wearing a Navy Seal scuba outfit under his uniform, while some dumb-bells went out shirtless in pre-game to show their manhood is a match for pneumonia.

It didn’t matter, as the Patriots would win the home field advantage, despite Gronk’s notable absence during the game. He never caught a pass and made a few blocks—and seemed gone to the sidelines for nearly all the second half.

If Gronk made any impression during the game, it was his participation in a most intriguing commercial ad for Nike. The highlight of the game was the one-minute spot that brought together three key sports personalities in Boston sports culture:  Jayson Tatum, Kyrie Irving, and Gronk.

It certainly explained Gronk’s presence courtside at a Celtics game this week. The three stars shared the stage for a commercial debut during the Patriots’ game.

Gronk read Sun Tzu, the great philosopher of warfare, and Irving indicated his philosophical bent was more on a cartoon level.

Jayson Tatum was around to look pretty.

Ah, Boston culture.  Irving misidentified some musical group behind him as the “Boston Philharmonic,” meaning the Pops or Boston Symphony wouldn’t participate.

It put a shoddy, last regular season game into perspective: it’s time for a New Year, and a new chapter.



Open Season on Trump

DATELINE: A Cartoon President


bugs & daffy

On those old Warner Bros. cartoons, Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck can hide with alacrity from Elmer Fudd once hunting season was open. They always led the old fool on a merry chase.

Trump is about one cut below Wile E. Coyote.

With the defeat of Roy Moore, Neanderthal candidate for US Senate, we now have a call to hounds.  Hunting season is open now on the biggest game, the most dangerous game–and the fox in question is hiding in the White House.

Sound the trumpets. Mount the steeds. They’re off.

Today Open Season has begun on another cartoon character named Donald Trump. Yes, they are going to start to come after him ruthlessly. The ignominious defeat of Judge Roy Beanbag Moore, notable child molester and poster boy for chasing little girls, is the sign post and clarion call to remove Trump from office.

If Trump has any awareness, he knows that his Exit is up ahead on the Twilight Zone highway.

The cartoon will begin with calls for Trump to resign. It will begin with Republicans challenging him with no fear. It will continue with others in line after the benighted moron of Rex Tillerson. It will continue with women marching to dump Trump.

The clock is tolling—and it is tolling for you, Mr. Trump.

We suspect President Trump is no Bugs Bunny (not quick enough mentally or physically).  He will have a hard time hiding in and the hunters will soon close in by following the trail of fast food cartons for McD Fries.

Trump’s medical examination next month, with its promised release of every detail, will provide a grand opening for the president to resign– owing to health issues.  No one will say openly that it’s mental health at issue, but they don’t call him Daffy Duck & Dodge Trump for nothing.






Is This the End of Tom Brady?

DATELINE: One Bad Game Spoils the Barrel of Apples

botox forever

 We don’t want to be the last ones on the bandwagon. So, here goes….

On Monday night against in Miami Dolphins, the fans of Tom Brady had their first ugly glimpse into the future. The crystal ball may be more cracked than a mirror in Brady’s den.

The TB12 Method has failed us!

If you wondered what an aging Tom Brady looks like in terms of football success, you saw it first hand in the catastrophic loss to the Dolphins on Monday night. It looked a bit like Death on Miami Beach. He could not convert a third down and his passes never reached their mark.

Back in the day when Brett Favre started to go sour, we believe something similar happened.

Is anyone thinking that Brady can age overnight like a ripe melon? At what point does the milk in your refrigerator actually begin to curdle?

Have we reached the curdling point of Brady?

In case you’re wondering about what happens when the Belichick Empire falls, Jimmy G is on the other side of the country on the West Coast, winning games there for the foreseeable future. The man sitting next to Brady is aging Brian Hoyer who couldn’t cut it as a starter on other teams. And, the future is Tom, whether he has lost the directions to the Fountain of Youth, or not.

If age has suddenly caught up with Brady and his magic elixir has run out, the season will be going downhill rapidly. We should remember that even the unsinkable Titanic went down in two hours.



Jaylen Brown’s 3-D Vision

DATELINE: Celtics Find Clark Kent in Green Lantern

clark kent

Don the Goggles!  He doesn’t need a cape. And you can no longer spit in his eye.

Jaylen Brown may have had an eye infection from his contact lenses this week. However, his solution is not just sterilized: it’s made of plexiglass.

Yes, Jaylen has found his personality. He will henceforth wear goggles. This gives him an edge as an all-star and Celtics legend.

The man who wouldn’t be photographed in glasses will now appear in wrap-around goggles. Brown insists he can see better than ever. In fact, the goggles give him “3-D vision,” in his own words.

Heavens, and we thought all of us had 3-D vision, born with at least one superhuman quality.

This new asset of Jaylen may not be confused with X-ray vision or infra-red vision, or other superhero attributes.

Whatever, Jaylen played like Superman in his new regalia. If Kyrie can wear a clear mask, then Jaylen does one better than superstars of yore in basketball.

Yes, Brown has channeled his inner Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

In his new personae as The Celtics Green Lantern, it would seem that Brown may look more like Sponge Bob than Kareem. He may have more ability to see than Madame Acardi facing Blithe Spirit.

Whether the goggles give him a true extra set of eyes remains to be seen.

Move over, Clark Kent. The intellectual Brown now appears to be smarter than Smart and flashier than Beyonce.

Will the bespectacled Brown take the permanent role of superhero with the brown eyes under glass?












Trump, Moore Chased by Frankenstein Monster


Say It Ain’t So, Gronk!

DATELINE: Rematch With the Pats & Bills Coming Soon!

say it ain't so

The good-natured bon vivant Gronk has transformed suddenly from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.

Beloved by children, and deemed safe for children, he has now taken on the mantle of being dangerous and locked away from those supporters. He may find himself the object of parental controls on the cable remote.

On top of all this, he may lose $2 million in bonus payments under his Patriot contract.

Whether coffee chain, Drunken Dognuts will keep him as a spokesperson may be a bigger issue now on the breakfast table and a test of Gronk’s viability and survivability.

We do not believe he has reached the Kevin Spacey level where he will be CGI removed from future Patriot games, but Belichick may give him more distance in the off-season.

Gronk’s new sudden unpopularity may win him an endorsement from President Trump, a man who likes crypto-Nazis who go against the grain. He has now membership in the ICE-colored storm troopers of Trump.

In an age of racially charged tension, Gronk has gone from the great white hope to a man with a black hearted soul. He has become another white man assaulting a black man. He goes to the top of the Most Wanted List by Black Lives Matter with one pile driving splash.

Gronk has always had carte blanche from the Patriots, and they like to paint themselves as the victims of every scandal.

Like his best friend and teammate Tom Brady, Gronk is challenging the legal determination. Unlike his friend Brady, Gronk has already and quickly admitted his guilt.

Confession maybe good for the soul, but it may not help with followers on Twitter, Facebook, and other childish social media.

Gronk has always been perceived as a big dumb lout, but fun and likable. He has now crossed for thin red line in a year in which football fans are dropping like flies over trivia.

Like the NFL version of Scrooge, Gronk has given a concussion to another player during the season of giving. He’s liable to find himself the recipient of many unhappy returns.


Ray Allen: Gone Fishing for Compliments

DATELINE: Mysterious World of Cat Fishing

on the DL

If you haven’t heard of cat-fishing, you are out of touch with today’s Internet.

Former Boston Celtic Ray Allen is giving us a crash course in something to do with scams, sexual harassment, and online game players.

He is now counter-suing a young man who pretended to be a woman (actually several women) and lured Mr. Allen into online relationships.

It appears there is more than meets the eye to your online pickup lines.

Allen allegedly started stalking his tweeter. Well, how can you stalk a man who pretends to be a woman without finding out that the stalk is off-kilter?

In the world of retired sports stars with time on their hands, you discover that it was a two-way stalking. The young deceiver may have had incriminating evidence and was a threat to reveal it to the family of Mr. Allen.

This gives new meaning to the term “on the down-low.”  Yes, sports fans, in the world of sexual stalking, being on the DL is not always the disabled list.

We might wonder if former movie star (He Got Game) and 3-point champ Allen was light in his sneakers when he took all those jump shots.

We recall vividly his inexplicable feud with Rajon Rondo when they were on their championship NBA treadmill nearly a decade ago.

All the Celtics teammates blackballed Mr. Allen when he jumped ship for an NBA ring on another team. Perhaps teammates already were separating themselves from the DL list.

So, Ray’s best defense is now that he was cat-fished, the colorful term to describe a sexual peccadillo.


Vote for Joseph & Mary’s Candidate!

DATELINE:  Dates for Pedophiles Hotline!

Judge Roy Moorespacey 

Moore likes them a year younger than Spacey’s favorites!

When Dorothy‘s little dog Toto realizes he’s no longer in Kansas, he comes to the conclusion he must be in Alabama.

What’s that sign post up ahead? You might think it says Twilight Zone, but it actually is the campaign headquarters where Alabama moron Roy Moore is running for Senate.

Mr. Moore’s against same-sex marriage, but he’s in full support of adult men going with young virginal girls. Crap happened when he was in his 30s. Back then, he went after little girls who were about 13.

To the everlasting shame of fundamental supporters of Republican Judge Moore and fundamentalists of the Bible, more and Moore supporters are claiming that it is his right to have sex with 13-year-old. This precedent can be traced to the time when girls went freely with older men.

Even more amazing, this Moore thinking is predicated on the relationship of Joseph and Mary in the Bible, according to one Alabama supporter.

Yes, that Joseph and Mary. Well, we can only say Jesus Christ.

Under those rules, we would suggest that Kevin Spacey and Charlie Sheen should immediately move to Alabama where they can pursue 13- and 14-year-old virgins in the biblical sense.

There they can live their lives within the Jeff Sessions school of justice. Mr. Sessions for many years has denied he’s a racist. No one mentions that he’s from the Alabama George Wallace School Of Standing in Doorways.

Like his Alabama counterpart Wallace, Jeff Sessions now stands in the doorway for anyone who wants to immigrate to the United States. We presume he would open the door for any old man who wants to chase a 13-year-old virgin.

So clearly the place to be and move your family is not Beverly Hills where you would run into rednecks next to the cement pond: but it’s Alabama.

Home, sweet home, Alabama.  Movie stars, judges, and 13-year-old Virgins.

Oh to be a voter in Alabama.

Fake News in Sports & Politics Explained

DATELINE: New Criticism in Old Bottles

candidates2 A Couple of Old Fakers

President Donald Trump and his best bosom buddy Head Coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots have something in common. They both despise fake news and see it everywhere they look in the media. And, each one wonders where the stories come from.

Let us explain.

In the old days before integrity in sports and politics waned, speculators were limited to the stock market and the racetrack. Today speculators are in blogs and in the national news media.

It’s a cottage industry to second-guess through analysis.  It’s also an old trick of literary analysis, thanks to our mentor and creator of the New Criticism, I.A. Richards, who wrote the ever-clever book, How to Read a Page. You look for repetitive motifs in a storyline.

That’s where you make logical deductions. That is not news, but it does provide insight.

Most of us no longer do the I.A. Richards analysis of literature because no one reads books. Richards used to be a well-respected literary Analyst.

However, these talents we learned from our PhD program years ago serve us quite well in both sports and in politics.

So, Trump and Belichick have to forgive us for taking their words and counting up references to draw a conclusion. It’s a time-tested insight. It’s better than reading Tarot cards and more accurate than trying to define brain waves, especially if the subject is brain-dead. That’s speculative analysis based on Donald Trump’s remarks.

For our part, we plan to continue to do our best analysis through fake news every chance we can to irritate people in sports and politics, which have become incestuous sides of the same coin. In Bill We Trust, kneeling or not.


Body Doubles Required at White House

DATELINE:  Ultimate Fake News

The latest White House outrage centers on the bizarre theory that President Trump trots out a body double for Melania. It never hurts to have a spare First Lady for the most mundane duties.

You may wonder if the First Lady is indisposed, or so fed up with the public appearances that Mr. Trump has hired a legion of doubles to accompany him in photo ops and to disaster zones.

We know that Trump has a history with doubles: he was known to associate with a dubious and conceivably fake Andy Warhol.

We also have seen evidence that Trump was not averse to having his picture taken with a fake Michael Jackson. Mr. Trump even owns a fake Renoir that he passes off as the real thing.

Body doubles for politicians are a long-standing practice. We have heard that Saddam Hussein often sent out body doubles for appearances he deemed too dangerous for the real thing. There was even a movie about the body double of Adolph Hitler during the war, who suffered assassination, thus fulfilling his duty to protect the Fuhrer. The movie was called The Strange Death of Adolph Hitler and came out in 1943, two years before the alleged fake death of the real Hitler.

It would be quite easy to send in the fake Melania in spike heels and baseball hat over a wig with oversize Jackie O sunglasses.  The President would not have to worry about her slapping away his hand when he tried to grab hers.

Body doubles are in the great tradition of fake news, and Mr. Trump is the prime purveyor of fake in the world today.