Gronk Wuz Robbed!

DATELINE: Baddies Natasha & Boris Suspected

 Gronk in Strait Jacket

While away in Frostbite Falls for the Super Bowl, Rob Gronkowski’s palatial home in Foxboro was the object of robbery. That makes Gronk a two-time loser in one week.

The police report that Gronk’s five-bedroom million-dollar house was left unattended, and he discovered the thieves were there on Monday afternoon.

Police won’t say what was taken. In all likelihood, the idiots who tried to rob Rob likely couldn’t recognize the Matisse paintings on his wall—and left them.

Some are shocked to learn that Gronk has anything worth stealing. Many are equally surprised that he does not live in cold-water flat, three-story walk-up.

Apart from heavy exercise equipment, there is not much to be carted away from his estate. His coin collection of Lincoln pennies could be a target.

We suspect the robbers were looking for one of Tom Brady’s jerseys, which have been valued by Texas Rangers as worth hundreds of thousands.

Knowing Gronk’s fan base, we suspect they were after one of his moldy jockstraps, as online bidding for the item may grow as fermented as the scent.

Since Gronk is threatening to retire this off-season, he will not be living in Foxboro much longer, moving to Beverly Hills where the old Clampitt estate will suit him and his extended family of brothers.

In the meantime, Gronk is hurting, having been violated in the sanctity of his bedroom. We recommend that Gronk spend the money on a cheap video security system while he waits for his Hollywood contract to be signed.

Will the Real Bill Belichick Please Stand UP?

DATELINE:  It’s Badenov, Oddjob!

 Boris Badenov Belichick Oddjob

First, it was Boris Badenov. Then, it was Oddjob. Now it’s even worse: Bill Belichick has gone blackhat.

Rats are now departing the sinking ship of S.S. Philly Eagles.

Not one mouse could deal with the image of the man who made fame in cut-off sweat shirts appearing like the pall-bearer for the underdogs of football.

The Eagle has not landed. It’s been grounded.

When Bill Belichick, of hoodie fame, donned a Fedora and black suit when he deplaned the Kraft One Jet, augurs went bonkers.

Magnetic north has shifted. Oddsmakers are scurrying for cover.

Not since the Corleone family flew into Vegas has there been such a fashion statement.

You know the villain always wears the black hat, but the film noir world just found its new Robert Mitchum—and he is the man holding all the cards and likely carrying a concealed weapon under his coat.

Frostbite Falls just went into heart seizure. The Super Bowl has just become the Super Bowler. Oddjob worked for Goldfinger and wore a Fedora with a steel-lined brim.

People are prepared to duck if Belichick throws his hat into the Super Bowl ring.

Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, has not seen a Fedora like this since Bullwinkle battled Boris Badenuv on the Rocky Show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Tax Cuts: The New Math & the Unkindest Cut

DATELINE: Nose Growth on Trump

smarmy ryan Pinocchio Trump’s Jiminy Cricket

Republicans lawmakers like Paul Ryan have supercilious grins on their faces. It’s almost like the glee when they snickered at trying to supplant the Obamacare program.

The new math by Pinocchio Trump and his tax minions is rape in the traditional family government subsidy. Only the rich get richer in Trumpworld.

We also enjoyed hearing some nitwit ABC reporter state that $1162 tax cut for the average family is nearly $1200. This reporter obviously never rounded off dollars on her tax return.

We also listened with interest as the Republicans numbskulls reveled in the idea that $1200 was so much of a tax relief that it could be used to enhance your savings account, take a vacation, or pay off your mortgage. What kind of imbeciles do they take the voters to be?

Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical.

By the time the taxpayers realize what Trump is up to, they will be paying far more in more esoteric ways. Who needs deductions for state and local income tax?  Well, when the state and local areas raise your taxes, you will wonder where the money went.

As for those undocumented tax payers, you will lose deductions for your American citizen children. Not only that, but ICE will have your address and pick you up for deportation. No matter that you do some crap job for minimum wage that no self-respecting American would ever work.

As for Trump, let’s face it: he is not what he advertised himself to be.  By the time this tax reform is working us into debt, Mr. Trump will either be impeached, have resigned, or living in the penthouse of the new Moscow Trump Tower.

Will someone wipe that smile off the smarmy face of Paul Ryan?

This Year’s Smell-o-Rama Star!

DATELINE: Smell-a-Fop Beckham

 

Okay, we are finally being forced to deal with that odd smell called Odell.

The NFL took notice of the Giant who shrinks before your eyes into a midget. Oddsmell Beckham is the name.

But, that would be insulting to Little People. Beckham is a Giant bully with a titanic ego and a big set of footballs for brains. He wears tight white pants for the same reason that motivated Aaron Hernandez.

It would appear that the flashy Beckham with his one handed catches will soon be a flash in the pan. We would like to see him fricaseed after his helmet crash into an opposing player.

As Cam Newton astutely commented, we have a field full of alpha males on a testosterone bender. It’s the NFL where the last vestige of manhood is not a mask of facial stubble.

Yes, these giants are behemoths among men. Yet, good sportsmanship is the sales pitch on the marquee. That too is laughable when the same week the Commissioner seeks to hang his biggest Pro Bowl vote-getter as a cheater detrimental to the game.

Tom Brady allegedly deflated a ball. Beckham tried to kill another man on live TV.  Brady should receive a four game suspension, and Beckham should receive a one-game suspension. Go figure, Roger.

We have taken a giant step backward in evolution if Roger Goodell has his way.

As for the Goldilocks of the NFL, Beckham is looking for a game just right—not too hot and not too cold. He thinks his medium is the message, and his pants are hitched just so.

According to one reputed victim, Josh Norman of the Panthers, Beckham is puerile, infantile, and full of guile. Big babies are the norm for football Giants, as we have seen from gunshots to the groin.

Yet, this story grows curiouser and curiouser; Beckham allegedly reacted to gay slurs about his character: was he a diva about this, though the Panthers deny any fop slurs were used?  or did the words cut too close to the pantywaist bone?

This week the NFL took a giant step backward. Next year’s humor already has a jump on us.