Brain Bankruptcy of Aaron Hernandez

DATELINE:  CTE, or Water on the Brain

abby Normal

The lawyer of Aaron Hernandez has just come out and said that Hernandez had what is essentially in the old-fashioned term of ‘severe water on the brain.’

By today’s standards this is called CTE and is brain degeneration caused by repeated concussions. Scientists and researchers call Hernandez one of the worst cases they had ever seen in such a young man.  It now seems the death findings on Hernandez may be the best deodorant for him and his murderous rage.

Yes, the concussions made him do it.

According to the VA-BU Brain Bank (no, we did not make this up), the 27-year-old former New England Patriot football player had the brain of a 67-year-old man. This is not good news if you’re a senior citizen on Social Security. It’s not good news if you are Roger Goodell. It’s not good news when the Patriots face a lawsuit.

Hernandez was in Stage III of CTE, out of four stages. His brain was undergoing some severe atrophy. This resulted in aggression, explosive behavior, out of control impulses, forgetfulness, depression, and other assorted cognitive changes. That just about covers it, short of murder and suicide.

As a consequence of this, attorney Jose Baez is suing the Patriots and the NFL on the behalf of Aaron Hernandez’s little daughter.

Who could not have sympathy for his three strikes of rage and murder if it’s all caused by playing football in the NFL?

So, it now seems that Aaron Hernandez is the ultimate victim.

In our 21st century twisted logic, this is someone who victimizes everyone else through no fault of his own, like Jack the Ripper, or Jeffrey Dahmer, or Caligula, or perhaps some other killer of your own choice.

There seems to be no better way to end this ongoing soap opera and slog-fest of a murder mystery.

We know they’ll be more dirt in the future, as much as it takes to make a scrimmage, or make us cringe

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Patriots Apply for Sainthood

 DATELINE:  Return to Victory

 botox forever

All of those Fair weather fans of the Patriots Are now worried that their imperfect team is made up of Juggalos or in the vernacular, an Insane Clown Posse.

We fully expect that too many Cooks will be ignored by Tom Brady in the long arduous search to find a replacement for both Julie Edelman and Danny AAA, those over charged batteries of the Patriots offense. As we know, Tom disabled them with his superstitious challenge of breaking a mirror in pre-season.

Now after losing the first game of the season, and ruining the predictions of a perfect 19-0 season, Tom has had to play an entire game in the first quarter against New Orleans Saints.

He threw three touchdowns and scored the second highest first quarter total in his career. Machine Gun Brady could rest on his laurels after that, but his curse continued.

In no short order, he lost Gronk to an alleged groin injury. We gathered from the despair on Gronk’s face that he is worried. We also saw Chris Hogan limp like Walter Brennan to Brady’s John Wayne. On top of that, newcomer Phillip Dorsett may be dubious next week.

So much for mirror challenges.

As far as Tom’s bench, love seat, or throne of honor, he sat alone only briefly. His court jester, Josh, is always thighbone to thighbone with him—and more comfortable in his backup status, Jimmy G sat on the other side of McDaniel.

Who then would take the seat next to the throne with both Julian and Danny out?  We saw that Brandin Cooks tried his luck there, but stayed more than an arm’s length from Tom. He may be whistling in the dark, but he knows Tom can’t be choosy with his receivers dropping like proverbial flies.

On a cheerier note, we saw that in solidarity with Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia, Coach Belichick put a pencil behind his ear to match the nerd look of Patricia. It may be the greatest vote of confidence we have seen this season.

 

 

Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

Ch-ch-changes for Patriots in 2017

DATELINE: So Long, Julie & Jackie

This is not your father’s Patriots. Hell, it isn’t even your Patriots from last year when they won everything.

Before the first real game is played, there have been major shake-ups in optimistic terms or disasters for the downbeaters, all happening in the event known as pre-season games. These have changed the complexion of the offering from Bill Belichick for 2017,

How is this going to give those Patriots improvement?

Only the taste of the real season shall tell us whether the alterations, both deliberate and fateful, have sent the team in the right direction.

Over the course of two weeks, two major factor players seemed to have bitten the dust. The foremost of these is Tom Brady’s Mini-me, Julian Edelman, the little nut gatherer who walks in Tom’s Shadow and feels like Peter Pan’s penumbra.

Edelman suffered a freakish ACL tear, apparently for no reason except that his leg wanted to go in a different direction. These medical messes are always year-long, life-altering events. Whether Edelman will return to the Patriots at age 32, ready to go, or whether the Patriots will be ready to let him go, only next pre-season will tell.

So, Brady’s go-to guy has gone bye-bye.

Also losing his kneecap to the pressure cooker of the game is Cyrus Jones, looking to recoup his reputation. It now would seem he may regain form, as he is young, next year, but his tenure with the Patriots may be at a standstill.

Then, came the end of pre-season shocker. With two needed players gone, Belichick had to sell high. He put Jacoby Bissett on the block—and chop-chop, he was gone in an instant.

The Colts, arch-rivals, needed someone because Andrew Luck’s luck has run out apparently. Jacoby, we enjoyed messing up your name repeatedly, and now someone in Indianapolis will have that honor.

It was Brissett for Dorsett in this Belichickesque tradett.

Perhaps he was never meant to captain the ship of Patriots with Tom Brady wanting to play for another ten years. Perhaps he knew that Jimmy G-man was the gunner in waiting for Tom’s magic elixir to fail.

So, now, we are ready for the real drama, with the fake news off the blipping screen. The first game is upcoming within a week, and Roger Goodell is rubbing his hands in delight. If he cursed the Patriots, he is now reaping its advent.

Patriots Thumb Collective Nose at NFL Pro-Bowl

DATELINE: Read All About It!


No one wants to admit there is a giant conspiracy centering around the New England Patriots.

We don’t have to go into bugging the locker room or deflating the football to find it.

This week seven members of the team, given an honorary opportunity by the NFL, have chosen not to play in the NFL Pro-Bowl. They have kissed off  a large stipend and a free trip to Hawaii. This was turned down flat by every single Patriot player because they have integrity.

Do you think there is sour grapes here?

Do you think the teammates of Tom Brady are joining him in thumbing their noses at Roger Goodell and his goodwill, marketing games?

Players usually beg off for injury, but the entire Patriot squad has decided that Hawaiian beaches are not a panacea for what ails you.

We can’t blame the players (or Coach Belichick) for deciding that corrupt referees and a vindictive commissioner will not receive their hypocritical support.

And, that dear fans, is why no Patriots will show up at a sham game to be played the week before the Super Bowl.

Don’t be fooled by injury status, or exhaustion from a long season, or a desire to be with family as the motive here.

This is a clear cut case of sticking it in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Goodell. You are the reason the Patriots feel no desire to give you a free pass.

Wait till next season.

Worst Super Bowl: Brian Hoyer v. Kirk Cousins

 DATELINE: Send in the Seconds

 

No Gropes in the Backfield

As the world of NFL prepares for a bunch of playoff games starring the costars, the real stars of the game are home resting.

Yes, everyone wants to see Cam Newton, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning—and, hunh?, Carson Palmer.  It almost seems like among the superstars, Palmer is the Ralph Bellamy of the group. For those of you too young to recall the heyday of Hollywood, Ralph Bellamy always played the star’s best friend, but was never really a star in his own right.

For this first weekend, we have to watch the midget version of titans now populated by Rothlisberger, Rodgers, and the hopefuls like Russell Wilson, Kirk Cousins, and good grief, Tom Brady’s former waterboy, what’s-his-name.

If you want to sense who the biggest stars are, you had only to hear Donald Trump predict Brady was better than anyone else, even with an ankle injury, at a recent campaign rally.

For some fans, Tom Brady is Darth Vader in a zoot suit and Peyton Manning is aging Han HGH Solo without Botox backup.

Many are hoping for a rematch of Brady and Manning in the real Super Bowl, before the actual #50.  For the oldsters of the game, it would rival something akin to the Star Wars sequels and prequels. Are we up to seven big games with that dynamic duo?

Of course, the young stud of the group—and probably Roger Goodell’s choice to represent his billionaires’ club is Cam Newton. You couldn’t ask for a more blended version of Manning and Brady.

Looking over the possible fixes the NFL can make to the proceedings, it is nearly impossible to figure out what teams will receive the blessings of the referees during the game. It would look like a box office disaster if we end up with Brian Hoyer and Kirk Cousins in the Super Bowl. So, that’s where we put our two-bits for FanDooDoo, or DraftyThings.

That’s our favorite pick for poetic justice for Roger Goodell this year.

Waiting Game for the Patriots

 

 

DATELINE: A New Tom Brady (no Botox needed)

The dust has settled, and the frost is on the bog. With the regular season over, a ceasefire has been called—unless you happen to be the coach of a bad team.  Then you are shot at sunrise.

A new dawn may be upon the Patriots, but fresh starts in the playoffs are like New Year’s resolutions. They don’t last long.

Belichick swore to protect his players from additional injury, but it didn’t take long for someone to try to break Tom’s ankle.

Grandmama’s healing recipes are now in full force in a desperate attempt to make an entire team healthy in a fortnight. To remind us of how fragile life is, the last season of Downton Abbey coincided with the Patriots’ whimpering end.

Grand lifestyles come to an end eventually. The Earl of Grantham learned how tenuous the world of excess can be on the television show, and king of undrafted players, Lord Belichick, learned how quickly success can turn in its own grave.

Twenty NFL teams are now staffed by exclusive Monday morning quarterbacks. And, their job is to clean out the locker.

Most bridesmaids never catch that bouquet—and Tom’s receivers, like Gronk, never caught a pass in that last gasp attempt to hold onto the backyard advantages.

If you believe in fixes, you likely watched Peyton Manning coming off the bench to lead the Denver Broncos out of the wilderness. It looked like a script by Roger Goodell and carried out by his minions in striped shirts.

The NFL is desperate to crash Brady’s Good Ship Lollipop on the reefs of every disadvantage. The hero of this season can be anyone named Cam Newton.

NFL Blames Brady for the Ills of World

DATELINE: Goodell’s Growing Paranoia

NFL Seeks Tom Brady’s Head

The NFL’s latest brief against Tom Brady in a court appeal of their Deflate-gate catastrophe is shocking.

With each legal step, the NFL seems to change the charges against Tom.

In a regular judicial proceeding, this would be unconstitutional. In the NFL it is in the best tradition of Adolph Hitler and colleagues at the local concentration camps.

Now the Roger Goodell kookoo bird contingent feels Brady has undermined confidence in the game and eroded public goodwill. They stop short of accusing him of poisoning the water supply of every team in the NFL except New England. If you believe the hyped up and hopped up attorneys on retainer for the NFL, then you may begin to think conservative Tom is on the payroll of some radical Islamic terrorist group.

Next, we expect Brady to be nominated by the NFL for the no-fly list. That would effectively stop him from playing in most games of the season.

Yet, on the same day, the public whom the NFL says is jaded and disenfranchised by Brady actually made him the biggest vote getter of the NFL for the Pro Bowl.

It smells distinctly like the media campaign against Donald Trump. The more the public supports him, the more the media disparages him with false charges, accusing him of being unfit to be president. It sounds like the same people who hate Brady also hate Trump.

The Wells report originally charged Brady with being “generally aware” of deflated footballs, but now the NFL feels he is orchestrating one of the great conspiracies in the history of the world. Move over, John Wilkes Booth and shooter on the grassy knoll.

The NFL is soon to reveal a magic bullet that Brady used to deflate balls by means of voodoo and paranormal influence.

Save us from the maroons of the NFL.

New England Patriots Stuck in a Time Warp

DATELINE:  Sports Humor

 

 

 Has the Grinch stolen the Patriots Super Bowl 50?

Roger Goodell is smiling ear-to-ear this week.

For the better part of 17 years, fans of football have thought Bill Belichick was the Grinch, but now he is clearly off the hook. Scrooge, yes. Grinch, no.

We suppose that Cam Newton is wearing his Grinch outfit this year, pretender to the throne. If you want a throwback to Tom Brady a decade ago, Cam Newton is your clone. Send in the clones.

Apparently Tom Brady has used up his three wishes—and now the evil sorcerer Roger Goodell is about to drop a house on the Patriots candidate for the Ponce de Leon Award.

Watching the Patriots lose a second game in a row has been like trying to finish a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle, only to discover a key piece in dead center is missing.

The genie in the bottle has popped out, if not pooped out, and stolen Tom’s magical flying carpet.

Some smart-aleck trolls on the Internet have taken to saying that it’s time for the Patriots to start cheating again. On our part we have never considered using the supernatural to win the Super Bowl to be anything but a quantum physics.

However, it’s beginning to look like Sergeant Pepper’s Band has abandoned the Patriots just as the Magical Mystery Tour is about to commence.

If, as Bill Belichick has often said, December is when the real season begins, the Patriots have reverse engineered 2015. Belichick’s Delororean has four flat tires and an ejection seat that hits the door on the way out

You begin to wonder if Roger Goodell exposed Tom Brady to the Hope Diamond.

 

 

NFL’s Gabbert: If You Need a Friend…

 DATELINE: CLOWN HUMOR

 

In San Francisco the only big news is an earthquake. Suppose the 49ers throw a press conference and no one shows up.

Starting QB Blaine Gabbert showed up for his press conference, and he ended up having a front row seat. He waited for the party to begin and put on his funny hat and blew his noisemaker. No one was there.

Send in the clowns. There ought to be clowns.

Alas, war should be so much fun. Suppose they throw one and no one came.

Tom Brady may have seen the reports and had a wishful moment back in Boston. The day he walks into an empty room, the world must have ended.

No rap on Gabbert’s rapping ability, but his third-rate team forgot to notify the media sycophants that their weekly meal was available. Usually tape worms are running the tapes 24-7.

Gabbert had to feel like he was picking up team meds at CVS, open 24 hours, and found no one home. What will you do without pain killers? In the NFL, you play with a concussion.

When you find no one at your presser, you may wonder if you had a concussion this week. If he’s lucky, his opponents won’t show on Sunday.

Next week we recommend that Gabbert pull an Andy Warhol and send in a double. The assembled media probably will not know the difference. Then again, neither may his San Francisco team executives.

As long as they sign the paycheck, Gabbert will show up at non-events any time the team wants him there. This is the magic bullet you take for your teammates.

Bills Plan on a Victory Lap, if not Parade

DATELINE: More Media, Less Taste

alien 3

Rex Ryan Torments the Patriot Cheerleaders

If you are puzzled by the hype for the Monday Night game between the Pats and Bills, so are we.

Every media razzle-dazzler is trying to up the ratings for his own benefit. There is no other explanation for making this game bigger than the first landing of man on the Moon.

This is apparently the Super Bowl for the Buffalo Bills—and they are spouting off that they intend to get to Brady and Gronk. They must be expecting the NFL to give them special rights to have 15 men on the field for every play.

Beyond that, we begin to wonder if we are losing more brain cells to the endlessly overblown ego of media shills. They keep telling us that the Patriots are in trouble until we begin to question it ourselves.

Yeah, the Pats will be without Jamie Collins, Dion Lewis, and Julian Edelman as well as Nate Solder. Is it the end of the world for playoff hopes? For possible victory? For human decency?

We suspect not.

The Patriots have brought in Vereen and Fauria for the game. It sounds like the Ghosts of Xmas Past.

Yes, those names of the past are baaaack like your favorite poltergeist.

Of course, it is Christian Fauria’s nephew and Shane Vareen’s little brother on the new roster.  It does not matter because it means Belichick is going to history to teach T-Rex Ryan that those who do not learn the hard lessons of historical inevitability are about to suffer detention and demerits.

Time & Tide Without Edelman and Lord Tennyson

Julian Edelman has crossed the bar, all metaphors being unequal. We do not refer to your local drinking emporium.

Well, Alfred Lord Tennyson might better understand the NFL injury reports and could explain why we feel bereft. We hope Jules will continue to make waves, but after a broken bone in his foot, he may be hobbling into the media sunset, leaving us sea sick.

Players with season-stopping injuries tend to disappear into the Valhalla where putting out to sea in flames is the norm. In the NFL your worst injury tends to shanghai the victim—at least in the world of Bill Belichick. Gone, baby, gone.

We might take some solace that foretopman Wes Welker could have signed with the Patriots—if he had waited a week longer before jumping ship with the Rams.

We think only of poor Tom Brady—bereft without his lifejacket. We never considered Julian a “Mae West,” but he was keeping Tom afloat on third downs.

Now we face twilight and evening bell—and after that the dark!

Danny Amendola expects to step into the breach. We must trust again in the great Pilot of the ship to find another replacement from his kit and caboodle of replacement parts.

The tide keeps moving, despite the loss of Dion Lewis and now Julian Edelman. Makeshift sails now power the offensive line since Nate Solder crossed that bar weeks ago.

The season is only half over—and the boundless deep still ahead may be filled with icebergs, as well as Scylla and Charybdis, not to mention Rex Ryan.

When the call comes, Patriots go into the foamy brine, leaving the rest of us in sad farewell. Edelman was our life saver, not just some candy-ass cabin boy.

There is but a glimmer of hope that Edelman could return for playoffs and Super Bowl, yet solitary Tom Brady expects the flood will bear him far, far into the playoffs–but without his crew.

Fitting and Proper To Die for the Commissioner?

Featured imageGoodell Receives Bad News

DATELINE: Horse Manure Spread Thick

He who laughs last, etc.

Tom Brady could be said to have a smirk, or is that a sneer?

It depends on how he perceives Roger Goodell, who now takes on the role of the biggest loser since fat people went on television as a diet incentive.

No one would blame Brady from beaming ear to ear. His smile should be as broad as the cut on Goodell’s throat—from ear to ear.

Yes, Judge Berman pretty much let the Commissioner become his own horse’s head. The Godfather of Football has awakened to find his prize stallion a moist parcel under the silk sheets.

There’s no telling how those bitter owners will take the humiliation. Apparently in America, money can’t buy a judge you try to handpick to hear your case.

Billionaires have been given a severe setback. Millionaire players have shown that they are still the “average Joe,” when it comes to beating the system.

Tom Brady has won many a game in the fourth quarter, but no victory can be as sweet as defrocking the man who pretended he was the anti-Pope.

Goodell the First and Last may be the new yardstick for a horse’s rear end. We could argue that the horse’s head in his bed with him puts both pieces of the horse together again.

Some cynics want Goodell to appeal the case and file for an injunction to punish Brady—but that would look worse than sour grapes. It would be shooting the horse in the head when he has thrown a shoe and pulled a muscle.

In this case the Charley horse is between Goodell’s ears.

Et Tu, Brutus–and Ted Wells Too

DATELINE: Wells at Work

Featured image

Ted Wells reminds us of Brutus after he had stabbed Julius Caesar in the back.

“Romans, countrymen, and lovers! hear me for my
cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me
for mine honor, and have respect to mine honor, that
you may believe: close your mind and ignore science and facts, and
awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
“If there be any in this lynch mob, any dear friend of
Tom Brady, to him I say, that Goodell’s love for Tom Brady
was no less than his. If then that friend demand
why Ted Wells rose against the Patriots, this is my answer:
–Not that I loved Tom Brady less, but that I loved
an hourly retainer for my services more.

“Had you rather Brady were not suspended and
we all live in a state of deflation, than that Tom Brady is gone, to give
other teams a chance to win?

“If Tom Brady loves football, I weep for him;
as he was fortunate, I rejoice at it; as he was
valiant, I honor him: but, as he was ambitious, I
deflated him.

“There is tears for his love; joy for his
fortune; honor for his valor; and deflation for his
career. Who is here so base that would be a
referee? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be an agent? If
any, speak; for him have I offended. Who is here so
vile that will not love his hometown team? If any, speak;
for him have I offended. I pause for a reply.

“Then none of importance have I offended. If you are a Patriot fan, tough luck. I have done no more to
Tom Brady than you shall do to Ted Wells.

“The question of his suspension is enrolled in the NFL Park Ave offices; his glory not extenuated, wherein he was worthy, but he will never go into the Hall of Fame if there is another paid word in me.”

 

Brady Airs It Out and Reveals Airhead

DATELINE: Jump!

airhead brady

 

Tom Brady did not take a long walk off a short pier. He made a mad leap off a cliff. He wasn’t wearing a blindfold and being held at swordpoint by deranged Jets fans.

He seemed to take a leap of faith by his own accord.

We expect actions like this from Rob Gronkowski, but not from general studies major Tom.

Taking a leap of faith, Tom lost the faithful. Bill Belichick now must ponder the contract that forbids behavior unbecoming a man ready to leap into a black hole.

Stephen Hawking might not be able to bring Tom back from a quantum leap into the forty-foot drop of Costa Rica. Any injury might cost the Patriots plenty.

Maybe Giselle, his wife, wants to be a rich widow. She encouraged his jump. Of course, she already has more money than he.

Can it be that Tom is having a middle-aged crisis? He posted himself as Air Brady, but Airhead Brady might be more appropriate.

Has Tom turned into Paulie Shore? He seemed to quiver like a bowl of jelly before the leap into the abyss. That might be the last vestige of good sense going down the forty feet with him.

After Bill Belichick threw Darrelle Revis off a cliff a few weeks ago—and forced Vince Wilfork to walk a plank into the void known as Houston, Brady may be showing he wants to be part of the bunch. Yep, he’s gone bananas.