This Week in Patriot Superstition

 DATELINE:  The Devil You Say?

 off off-season     Most Off Off-Season Ever!

If you wait for Bill Belichick to let you know what’s going on in Patriot Nation, you’d be the victim of a fake news blockage.

Stephone Gilmore, one-time scapegoat of the big loss two weeks ago, suddenly has developed a concussion and will be unavailable for Sunday’s big game against the New York Jets.

The Jets, usually Pat patsies, are looking like the team Rex Ryan always hoped they would be. So, for the Pats to abruptly announce that Gilmore, one of their high-priced staples, is now suffering sudden concussion is a big deal. It is also a bit weird.

There were no reports of Gilmore injuries all week.

Maybe he fell in the bathtub. Perhaps he had one of those latent concussions that befall Tom Brady. His wife insists he has them, but Tom has no memory of that—and plays regardless of any headaches.

On top of this, another Patriot had to be extricated from his car in a terrible three-car accident on the way to Foxboro Friday night. He was rear-ended—and now he too is out for the foreseeable future. This is rookie Harvey Langi who was with his wife. Both have serious injury and have been hospitalized.

The fluke problems continue to mount up on the Patriots. We know the root cause, but no one is talking about it.

Just a few months ago, Tom Brady tempted fate deliberately by challenging superstition. He smashed a mirror with a hammer and walked under a ladder to prove there was nothing to these old tales of impending doom.

No one is laughing now.  And no one is acknowledging that Tom has been foolhardy once too often. He must think those special pajamas he wears make him look and behave like Spiderman.

Instead, he looks like the man with arachnophobia.

The rest of us are foaming at the mouth with Friday the 13th worries.

If the Jets beat the Patriots following a jinx day of the week, you know that Tom has tempted fate and called in the Devil’s boys.

We should warn Tom that the Devil is the author of confusion and often takes a pleasing form. The Devil is in the details and in the Botox. Every day a little Devil.

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Brady’s Former Bunch

DATELINE:  Back-ups to Tom

 

Sunday was a football day without much interest unless you like to sing the National Anthem while everyone stands.

Of most interest to us, three of Tom Brady’s former backups were the starting football games for other teams.

We suspect Tom was caught up in the NFL Red Zone, trying to keep tabs on his former acolytes. They range in age to young pup to old-timer. Brady was their senior, going back to the beginning.

The most successful of these QBs was the most recent of these. We speak of Jacoby Brissette, now the starting quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts. He is a temporary replacement and back up for Andrew luck, but probably looks like he deserves to be the starter.

Alas, the curse of Tom Brady is to always be the back up.

Also playing against each other were Matt Cassel, the man who took Tom Brady’s place during the one season Tom was injured. And Brian Hoyer who has kicked around for some time and is now starting for the San Francisco Deplorable 49ers. He replaces that unemployed Kapernaeck kneeler.

It’s nice to know there is life after Tom. However, for Tom, life begins at 40, whereas for the rest, it will end in the NFL much sooner.

These former Patriots form a trio that should give Jimmy Garrapolo some sense of confidence that one day he too shall start a game somewhere in the NFL.

However, if we saw anything from the fate of three Brady back ups, it was that it is a difficult task to follow in the footsteps of Tom Brady. After studying him for years, these quarterbacks still cannot ambulate like the greatest of all-time.

They are about as memorable as the trio Nat King Cole dumped when he went solo.

Sad to say, Cassel, Brissette, and Hoyer, may have already had their day in the sun. Alas, their day in the sun was a day in the shadow of Tom.

Old Doc Brady’s Homeopathic Remedies

 DATELINE:  Bad Book Advice?

 tom in lost horizon Lost Horizon-bound: Dear Tom

Medical experts are lambasting GOAT Tom Brady, also known around here as Old Doc Brady, for dispensing false medical information in his new best-selling book.

As a result, Tom took to defending his half-baked ghost-written book at the post-game presser. He knows what he knows—and he tells what he believes. Usually on the offense, Tom took up a defensive position.

Brady recommends hydrating to prevent sunburn. Doctors are incensed, if not downright burnt to a crisp over this fallacious advice.

Dressed all in black, like an undertaker or hangman, at a recent press conference, Dr. Tom defended his cure-all advice. He came across like Johnny Cash bad-ass.

Most people fail to realize Tom’s new book is actually a satire. It’s like James Hilton’s Lost Horizon, the novel about a fantasy world called Shangri-La.

The lost Himalayan city called Shangri-La is a place where people stay young forever, owing to some secret rejuvenation in the water. Who knew Tom’s hidden paradise is just north of Foxborough in Brookline.

In his private Shangri-La, as far as we know, Tom could be getting Serum from goat gland injections like old Somerset Maugham used to do. What better way to stay young for an old GOAT than to have goat serum!

If you follow Tom’s highly expensive regimen, you would end up spending $500 for Botox in each area treated. You’d spend $300 for his specially tailored pajamas. And his food program cost another $300 to $400 per month. You can never be too rich or too thin.

This homeopathic doc is certainly not the grizzled, but lovable, sawbones from Stagecoach, the classic movie. Tom sees himself as young Dr. Kildare.

Those trying to stay young forever would have a better chance of finding eternal youth by going to the Himalayan mountains than to follow Tom Brady’s secret recipe.

Is Cam Newton a Maroon?

DATELINE:  All Routes Lead to Idiocy

cam

In case you have forgotten, Cam Newton reminded you that it’s his picture you find next to the expression “Dumb Jock” in the Encyclopedia of Sports Idiocy.

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Bugs Bunny: “What a maroon!”

Yes, Cam did it again at a press conference. He told everyone how funny it was to hear a female sports reporter talk about routes. Cam’s favorite movie is Where the Boys Are—because he knows the route, having gone that route many times for a few bucks.

Women never talk to Cam about anything of substance. In fact, Cam is more at home with the boys and shop talk where the only playbook he reads is mostly x and o demonstrated.

He is just another pretty face in a bubble head to match his bubble butt.

Cam will never be caught with a pencil behind his ear like a nerd. We doubt that he knows how to hold a pencil or can work anything out on paper.

Yes, Cam is extremely beautiful to look at, but you probably can’t take him many places unless he is on a leash and you have your doggie bag with you.

If football ends tomorrow for the Giant Fig Newton, he can always use those amazing talents to star in gay porn where a giant brain is the least of your worries.

Don’t get us wrong: we find Cam easy on the eyes and we have enough brains for the two of us.

Patriots Go to Hurricane Ravaged Tampa

DATELINE: Ill Winds in Tampa

off off-season

Thursday night in Tampa, the Patriots will lick their wounds and try to make former thug Jameswhatsis Winston pay for his past sins as a serial woman abuser. We doubt the defense is up to the job as morality police.

In the meantime, the Pats may want to visit one of the local hoosegows. It seems Jonas Gray, their one-game phenom of 2014, spent some time there recently for failing to pay for his child support.

Gray, the standup comic who failed to make Bill Belichick laugh, had one great game—and was benched for arrogance before Belichick, in his infinite wisdom, cast him adrift.

Gray became invisible and fell into disrepute faster than you can spell Kolin Kaepernick korrectly.

In the meantime, the Pats took off from Rhode Island for the land where a hurricane named Irma (or was it Harvey?) tested Trump’s ability to help white people survive a disaster.

We learned through special snooping that Tom Brady had a reserved seat in the front row of the new private Patriot jet. It’s the row with the most legroom. Yes, the seats on JetKraft are numbered with the player number. #12 is actually #1.

We did our crack work, but not on crack, to learn that the man sitting next to Tom was fellow captain and sweetheart of a moral goodness, Matthew Slater. Matthew has not played much this season, owing to injury, but he is keeping Julian Edelman’s seat warm.

Owners and coaches are in what would be considered first-class, where Kraft also has a bedroom where he can sleep well after berating his friend,  President and Lord of the Flies, Donald Trump.

In the meantime, the Pats have escaped Dodge City in Foxboro where their team is under siege. It now seems the NFLPA has called the new fake sod at Gillette “borderline actionable.” Talk about fake news.

We wonder if new turf will await the Pats during the Thanksgiving game when they conduct their world tour of disaster areas: Mexico City, earthquake central, is their next hot spot on the road.

Patriots First Class Jet Set

DATELINE:  Off They Go into the Wild Blue Yonder

The New England Patriots may look like they are a tank job, but they are soon to be privately airborne.

Yes, the Trump jet has nothing on the AirKraft, owned by Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft who surely took his ideas from flying on Air Force One with President Trump.

The Patriots will take their first road trip in the newest former American Airlines superjet, now fitted to accommodate wide seat players with more leg room and wider seats than you have in normal first-class.

Never mind that the Pats are beginning to look like a bad coach’s idea of a team.

The new Pat jet has enough room for all players, coaches, and hangers-on. There is a lounge area, and even a bedroom for the president: we mean President Kraft as they wend their way to Tampa to play on Thursday.

The jet took out 250 seats and made more luxurious rows for the backfield.

Customized and rebuilt, the new Patriot transportation is better than their defensive unit, that will fly in the tail end, and soon on the wing, according to Bill Belichick, unless they improve.

take off

Tom Brady has a special spot to allow him the space for his retinue (that’s a posse for a near billionaire GOAT).

We await the news on which players will be allowed to sit next to Tom; it’s already a dogfight on the bench at Gillette.

No, we have not heard whether the media will be given accommodations in the cargo hold with the dirty uniforms.

Stephon Gilmore, Scapegoat

DATELINE:  Hold the Stephone, Fans

Stephon

In New England, Tom Brady is the GOAT, and this week Stephon Gilmore is the goat. He only wishes he were the scapegoat, which implies a false guilt.

There is a big difference between champs and chumps—and that means you, Gilmore.

Brady brought the team back from a two-touchdown disadvantage to tie the game with minutes left. It looked like the scenario for another miraculous victory.

Then, Gilmore put his hands in the face of Panther, thus ending a stop that would have returned the ball to Tom for another score.

What will be will be. Let’s sing along with Doris Day.

Gilmore makes $65 million dollars to be caught doing bonehead plays. He later said it was failure to communicate that was to blame, as if his Cool Hand Luke play would play in New England.

Gilmore is no Paul Newman, though he has a choke-hold on failure to communicate.

The Patriots, who made 16 kneeling players put a hand to their heart and stand with a hand on the shoulder of the next fellow, lost again. It may be the loss of the Super Bowl flashed before our eyes.

Even the Jets won on his day—and perhaps winning the division is not a lock after all. Tom Brady has been knocked down more in four games this season than in the previous five years combined.

So far, he has not been concussed.

Maybe it’s time for Jimmy G to go out and take one for the team, giving Tom a rest until the rest of his goats can be herded into a semblance of a victorious unit.

Rocket scientist Matt Patricia has had another nuclear warhead blow up on the Launchpad.

Swami Bill Belichick looks like a man who actually has dyspepsia this season.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stranger Bedfellow: Peyton Manning

DATELINE:  Super Bowl Hay Woven into Political Gold

At one point during the heyday of Tom Brady, way back when he was young, everyone thought that the future for Tom Brady, Donald Trump’s quondam friend would be a career in politics. He had the red hat and he had the swagger.

Trump even lobbied him as a husband for Ivanka a dozen years ago. Tom’s certainly a better catch than Jared Kushner.

There was inevitable talk he would seek a role in political office in Massachusetts, though the state is probably a tad more liberal for him than his actual politics. Tom doesn’t need deodorant because avocado ice cream smells better than it looks.

However, the Trump people may be more delighted with that pizza-slinging huckster-cum-politician Peyton Manning.

The man who plays more golf with Trump than Brady is a rank conservative icon. Yes, word is out that Tennessee may be needing a new senator next year–and Peyton Manning has a “Hail Mary” chance and pass in his future.

Considered highly popular among those who never kneel except in church, and well-known not just for his on-field antics, but his off-field commercials, he knows something about sound bites.

Jingles and jingoism are not alien to Peyton. Nationwide Insurance and health care are up his passer rating. Just ask him to hum a bar or two.

We wait to discover whether his conservative ultra-right positions will sit well with the American public in general.  We know they will likely sit quite well in Tennessee, where the Beverly Hillbillies originally hailed—and where bluegrass is unusually red around the neck.

Politics makes strange bedfellows, and nothing could be stranger than to find Tom Brady still playing in the NFL– and Peyton Manning in the United States Senate.

Patriots Give Trump a Knee to the Groin

 DATELINE: Kneeling to Victory

 cooks

 

With the Houston Texans locked arm-in-arm (approved by President Trump) across the field, the Patriots took somewhere between 15 and 20 knees. The number is higher or lower, depending on who reports and their degree of disdain for the New England team.

Tom Brady, Trump supporter, refused to criticize anyone, behaving like Mahatma Ghandi. He loved everyone and disdained negativity. His coach Belichick was more curmudgeonly by simply refusing to discuss it, but owner Kraft told Trump he disliked Trump’s tone.

Being an equal to Trump in monetary terms, this criticism was accepted by Trump. From you, he’d scoff.

Oh, yes, there were more kneeling players before all NFL games than in various churches earlier in the day.

Yet, they were mercilessly booed by some dimwit fans.

In the bonehead fashion of their beloved president, these fans failed to realize that the players are entitled to freedom of speech too. You can boo all you like. That too is covered by freedom of speech, even when it is misdirected and later proven stupid.

Yes, Brandin Cooks was on his knee. The Patriot player is the son of a deceased US Marine and raised by an uncle who also was a US Marine. He hardly disrespects them or the flag.. He was the victim of boo birds for his opinion.

Yet, he was also the man who caught the winning pass and touchdown with seconds left on the clock, thus giving the Brady Patriots a victory.

So much for intelligent boo birds.

You can never have too many Cooks. The remaining fans in stands were among the most faithful. Others may have again disbelieved in the Pats who were losing badly with two minutes to go, a la Super Bowl heroics.

Well, actually, it was the 52nd time Tom Brady took his team from loser to winner before the game ended.

Tom showed much love to everyone, but also to his wife’s favorite player. Superstar model Giselle Bundchen likely has a special spot in her heart for Danny Amendola, the only Patriot who regularly walks the runway as a model.  Danny also saved the Pat-less defense from ignominity.

A win is a win, even if you disrespect free speech or are a moron like Donald Trump.

 

 

Trump Takes on Superstars of Sport

 DATELINE:  Trump Begins to Rival Dumb & Dumber

Dumb America    King Trump Wears the Crown Well

As one of the Deplorables who voted for President Trump to be our leader, we are frankly becoming more alarmed and embarrassed by our selection.  

Once again at one of the Nazi-style Putsch rallies, Mr. Trump called out and called for firing of any NFL athlete who takes a knee during the National Anthem.  He also slandered private sector workers by calling the knee-jerk protester:  “a son of a bitch.”
 

We are not fans of this particular choice of protest at professional sports events, and certainly not a fan of Mr. Colin Kaepernick, the main instigator. However, we do tend to believe that people have a right to vote and speak freely.
 

If you’re keeping track, this is yet again another case of Mr. Trump calling for a private citizen to be fired from his job for political speech. Not coincidentally, all of these people are black or people of color. That strikes us as disturbing. That does tend to put a dark hue on the President’s darker feelings. Whether you work for ESPN, or the NFL, you have a right to express yourself. 

Trump also denigrated basketball champion superstar Steph Curry by rescinding an invitation given to visit the White House. Curry is what you might call “high-yellow,” the lightest form of being a person of color. Trump did not rescind an invitation to Tom Brady who also did not attend the White House rally. 

Trump’s tirade has caused strange bedfellows to join hands: Roger Goodell has called the President divisive and ignoring all the good done by NFL players. And LeBron James, on the NBA, had more choice words for the leader of the world. 

We are beginning to become worried that the President of the United States wants to dismantle the US Constitution.  

And, as someone who claims he is against white supremacy is he certainly is the pin a boy for that philosophy. 

We suspect we’re not the only ones who were horrified when the president of the United States refers to American citizens as “sons of bitches.”  while advocating firing these concussed people of color who work outside the government. 

Pardon us for saying “yikes.” 

Brain Bankruptcy of Aaron Hernandez

DATELINE:  CTE, or Water on the Brain

abby Normal

The lawyer of Aaron Hernandez has just come out and said that Hernandez had what is essentially in the old-fashioned term of ‘severe water on the brain.’

By today’s standards this is called CTE and is brain degeneration caused by repeated concussions. Scientists and researchers call Hernandez one of the worst cases they had ever seen in such a young man.  It now seems the death findings on Hernandez may be the best deodorant for him and his murderous rage.

Yes, the concussions made him do it.

According to the VA-BU Brain Bank (no, we did not make this up), the 27-year-old former New England Patriot football player had the brain of a 67-year-old man. This is not good news if you’re a senior citizen on Social Security. It’s not good news if you are Roger Goodell. It’s not good news when the Patriots face a lawsuit.

Hernandez was in Stage III of CTE, out of four stages. His brain was undergoing some severe atrophy. This resulted in aggression, explosive behavior, out of control impulses, forgetfulness, depression, and other assorted cognitive changes. That just about covers it, short of murder and suicide.

As a consequence of this, attorney Jose Baez is suing the Patriots and the NFL on the behalf of Aaron Hernandez’s little daughter.

Who could not have sympathy for his three strikes of rage and murder if it’s all caused by playing football in the NFL?

So, it now seems that Aaron Hernandez is the ultimate victim.

In our 21st century twisted logic, this is someone who victimizes everyone else through no fault of his own, like Jack the Ripper, or Jeffrey Dahmer, or Caligula, or perhaps some other killer of your own choice.

There seems to be no better way to end this ongoing soap opera and slog-fest of a murder mystery.

We know they’ll be more dirt in the future, as much as it takes to make a scrimmage, or make us cringe

Tom Brady & his X-Men

 DATELINE:  Showing Finger to Referees

fingers #12 & Twelve Angry Men

Who said you can’t judge a book by its cover?

Tom Brady’s new book features his mug on the cover. It is an up close look at the wonderful results of his diet—when combined with Botox. There is much more than a pretty face here.

We presume this is his game face. It could also be the face that launched a thousand slot receivers.

Yet, by the second game of the season, the face had eyes that defied conventional vision. Tom Brady sees things few mortals can discern

He made an appalling pass that was intercepted. However, he immediately made a gesture of two fingers on one hand and one finger on the other—waving at the referees.

Yes, he saw twelve men on the field and was calling it to the attention of the officials for review. Of course, they missed it—but the television cameras and replay confirmed what no one else saw: Brady demoralized the New Orleans team with his super powers.

Even aging superstars are better than mortal men. It leads us to ask again who this strange visitor to our planet is.  Like ET, Brady will touch a whole bunch of new young receivers—and create another cadre of stargate receivers.

He may have lost his primary group through the ugly misfortune of gamma rays emitted from a broken mirror, but he is the epitome of quantam deflated footballs.

Tom could be seen on the sidelines talking to the assistant trainer about his injured Gronk. Never let it be said he is without sentiment.

Gronk may be down on the field again, but we saw him in two new commercials on TV this week. He will rise again.

 

 

Patriots Apply for Sainthood

 DATELINE:  Return to Victory

 botox forever

All of those Fair weather fans of the Patriots Are now worried that their imperfect team is made up of Juggalos or in the vernacular, an Insane Clown Posse.

We fully expect that too many Cooks will be ignored by Tom Brady in the long arduous search to find a replacement for both Julie Edelman and Danny AAA, those over charged batteries of the Patriots offense. As we know, Tom disabled them with his superstitious challenge of breaking a mirror in pre-season.

Now after losing the first game of the season, and ruining the predictions of a perfect 19-0 season, Tom has had to play an entire game in the first quarter against New Orleans Saints.

He threw three touchdowns and scored the second highest first quarter total in his career. Machine Gun Brady could rest on his laurels after that, but his curse continued.

In no short order, he lost Gronk to an alleged groin injury. We gathered from the despair on Gronk’s face that he is worried. We also saw Chris Hogan limp like Walter Brennan to Brady’s John Wayne. On top of that, newcomer Phillip Dorsett may be dubious next week.

So much for mirror challenges.

As far as Tom’s bench, love seat, or throne of honor, he sat alone only briefly. His court jester, Josh, is always thighbone to thighbone with him—and more comfortable in his backup status, Jimmy G sat on the other side of McDaniel.

Who then would take the seat next to the throne with both Julian and Danny out?  We saw that Brandin Cooks tried his luck there, but stayed more than an arm’s length from Tom. He may be whistling in the dark, but he knows Tom can’t be choosy with his receivers dropping like proverbial flies.

On a cheerier note, we saw that in solidarity with Defensive Coordinator Matt Patricia, Coach Belichick put a pencil behind his ear to match the nerd look of Patricia. It may be the greatest vote of confidence we have seen this season.

 

 

Humor from Heaven: Brady’s New Book

DATELINE:  Up Close to Botox

botox forever

Just when you think there’s nothing funny to say about the New England Patriots with the new season beginning, like manna from heaven, Tom Brady gives us his new book.

Filled with bon mots but no bonbons, the book drops like the gentle rain from heaven. It’s nearly 300 Nietzchean pages long with lots of pictures. This is enough to sustain a good satirist for a year.

For those who thought Tom Brady was illiterate, how wrong you are. He admits to being a good solid B student in school. However, he had no interest in academics. His major in college was General Studies, who he thought was a Confederate Civil War hero.

How is this different from any other student?

Tom admits he never had time to read while he was in school because he had another passion: sports. Now that he’s a professional athlete he still has no time to read books, but he has time to hire somebody to write one. Hence, this book.

We do learn that there are athletes in the locker room who know how to read. Tom tells us that one of his teammates told him that ‘success’ comes before ‘work’ only in the dictionary. We looked it up. It’s true.

We also learn how Tom’s Godfather is the inimitable Willie McGinnest, no Al Pacino for sure. Tom doesn’t say Willie put any horse heads in anyone’s bed, but the Godfather did give Tom an introduction to his trainer. So, now we know where to place the blame.

This is only the beginning. As soon as the book is available on our Kindle reader we will be ordering a copy. It’s worth it’s weight in gold dust.

Odd Observations and Unusual Insights on Pats Loss

 

smashing mirror Breaking a Mirror

 

DATELINE:  Tom’s Foolhardy Mirror Smash

It’s a long way from Tipperary to the Super Bowl, and the Patriots were just ambushed out of the gate.

Cursed and crushed, the Patriots lost Super Bowl 52 in the first game of the season.

Roger Goodelle came to Gillette Stadium, saw the Patriots, and conquered the fans.

Off-hand observations soon turned into season-ending injury.

Tom scoffed as he smashed a mirror several months ago. Today, who’s laughing?

After losing Edelman in preseason, the Patriots started the season by losing Edelman’s replacement, Danny Amendola. Then,  you throw in the defensive star Donte Hightower, and your recipe for disaster is complete.

This is not a disaster on the Lines of Harvey or Irma, but make no mistake, a Category 5 hurricane named Fate just blew away the Patriots in their home turf.

It didn’t take long for the new season rot to turn  the Patriotic Belichick alchemy from gold to chaff.

Roger Goodell gave a Boston interview in which he admitted, “I’m not a football expert.” Yes, and he’s paid nearly $30million per year by the NFL.

That will certainly keep his status as no expert in the sport.

Gronk seems like a changed man. Well, anyhow, he appears to have changed his ways. During some runs, we could clearly determine that Gronk wasn’t wearing any underwear. We are not sure what this does for Tom’s advertising job for Under Armor.

As for the replacement seat of Julian Edelman, we noted that the open place on the bench next to Tom Brady was immediately taken by Danny Amendola, though he did not sit as close to Tom as Julie.

With an injury prone seat next to King Tom, no one will want to sit there for the rest of the season.

We began to keep a checklist of how many times the announcing duo mentioned that Tom Brady is 40-years-old. There was also a reference to Ponce de Leon. Next week the word of the day may be retirement.