Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

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Tom Brady Writes a Book: Sort of

DATELINE: Literary Lightweights

kindlecover

No, we are innocent of the crime:  we did not ghostwrite Tom Brady’s new book: The TB12 Method.

We suspect that even Tom does not know who wrote his book. He only found out he wrote a book recently.  He has been busy doing other things, like traveling to China, training for the new season in Wyoming, and charity events—not to mention teaming up with Tony Robbins.

The Robbins event would have been a good chance to announce his new motivational book.  He didn’t because the corporation behind Tom, into making money, only tells Tom about the checks he receives for endorsements. So, who wrote Tom’s new book?

And will this be a better best seller than Tom’s pajamas or secret recipe compilation? It likely won’t be cheap to buy. Tom likes expensive prices on his merchandise. He learned that from Tony Robbins.

The world learned this week about Tom Brady’s new literary effort that is based on his dietary, physical training and personal philosophy.  The book will be out during the upcoming season to maximize royalty payments.

We don’t know when Tom had time to write so-called book, but certainly the idea was floating around when he did the Tony Robbins motivational speaker show in Boston. If he had been working on the book then, he would’ve likely mentioned it during his appearance as a motivational speaker. He did not.

However, he may have been inspired to come up with a book to make more money when he heard Julian Edelman wrote a children’s book about a greedy squirrel with an obsession on nuts.

Tom’s book is already a best-seller on Amazon–without a cover or a price.

We would like to take credit as Tom’s ghost writer, but the book apparently is not about ghosts, nor one with humorous intent or comical asides.  Tom does that quite well– but we are slightly better.

So, we are forced to ask Tom: Was it something we said in one of our nasty books on a previous Patriots season or on the scandal of Deflategate that caused Tom’s handlers to select a different ghostwriter?

We know Tom would have picked us if he knew he was writing a book. He appreciates excellence in grammar.

Sumo Like It Hot for Tom Brady

DATELINE: Great Wall of China Meets Great Brady

sumo like it hot

When Under Armor sends Tom Brady around the world in eight days, you can expect some great moments.

Phileas Finn had his sidekick, and Tom Brady had his young son along for the ride.

So, the Greatest of All Time in football quarterbacking met the Greatest of All Time in Walls. It was enough to make President Trump jealous. Or, perhaps Tom was there to give Trump a report on how well walls work in the world.

Great Wall Meets Great Brady

Sublime met the ridiculous again when Brady decided to doff his shirt (not stolen by agents of North Korea) and do a tag team wrestling match against some heavyweight Sumo guys.

Tom is not quite the Pillsbury Doughboy when it comes to muscle, but he is not Arnold either. He posed, rather ill-advisedly with Sumo wrestlers in their diaper wraps. Tom had the good taste to wear his patented sleepwear pantaloons.

Some Brady groupies are agog at the fleshpot photos of Brady among the Sumos.  We are less impressed that Sumo like it hot.

Pictures like these generally come back to haunt. In this case, it may never go away long enough to be missed. We may take a long time to try to expunge the image from our memory banks.

We can’t imagine that Tom will sell his sleepware to many wrestlers who seem to revel in having their hot flesh bare in bed.

We aren’t sure who is advising Tom on this latest cavort. At least he managed to escape the clutches of his own Passepartout, Julian Edelman, for a few days.

Secret Ceremony of Patriot Ring Bearers

Giselle & Bunch Lords of the Rings & Giselle

DATELINE:  Brady as Lord of the Rings

The New England Patriots Super Bowl party in which they were given their gaudy rings was an affair more secretive than a Masonic 33rd Degree installation.

If Aaron Hernandez were still alive, he’s accused all of  his former teammates of belonging to the Illuminati, or at least the billionaires among them.

Gronk let it be known that they were sworn not to talk about the details of the binge party. However, he did admit that Mr. Kraft knows how to throw a shebang. It isn’t difficult when you have $4 billion in your bank account.

Many of the former Patriots who have jumped ship for the upcoming season (including Martellus Bennett and LeGarrett Blount) were there. They certainly know they may never get to see another Super Bowl party with ring bearers.

Fake media was kept at a distance.

Tom Brady did come with his lovely wife Gisele who belongs to the almost-billionaire club, but you’d have to look hard for any other girlfriends or wives. We do know that Julian Edelman was right there, elbowing Giselle out of the picture.

Just to show he was the Eastern Star at this 33rd degree celebration, Tom wore all five of his Super Bowl rings. He even allowed Bill Belichick to put on those five so every finger on the Coach’s hands was covered in silver, gold, and diamonds of differing weights.

The event occurred in Bob Kraft’s mansion in Brookline, just a stone’s throw from Tom’s mansion in Brookline. Sometime in a future episode of Ancient Aliens, archaeologists will visit Brookline and say this was the City of the Gods.

We can’t tell you if the flying saucers landed, like Marshall Applewhite’s crew at Heaven’s Gate,  and which ones they took away.  We do know security took away many fake media members. ring bearers

Will Success Spoil Tom Brady?

 best buds

DATELINE:  Tony Robbins Extravaganza on Wealth

While former FBI Director James Comey was sticking a knife in the back of Donald Trump, Tom Brady was on stage in Boston giving a peptalk to those willing to pay $3000 to hear his words of wisdom. He did not walk on hot coals as Tony Robbins usually requires.

Based on the notes of Tom’s short speech, he had nothing to say about Donald Trump. Nor did he say a great deal about how he married Big and Beautiful $$$ himself.

That’s one sure way to accumulate wealth fast. In case you are living in a cave, or not a real Patriot fan, Tom’s wife is Giselle Bundchen, the highly successful but retired supermodel.

Tom basically gave his rags-to-riches story in terms of his making every football team where he ever tried out.

In case you didn’t know, he was he was Drew Bledsoe’s back up for a short time. He generously said he learned much from Bledsoe, but we recall that when Bledsoe returned from injury he started acting like Brady.

Someone learned from Tom’s peptalk and he didn’t have to pay an entrance fee. There were plenty of people willing to fork out big bucks to hear this drivel.

Brady admitted he didn’t know how to put on football pads when he first started playing. Fortunately, now he can’t afford to find someone someone to dress him.  They are called personal assistants. To be Tom’s assistant maybe as close as some of these rich folks in the audience will come to success.

We suspect that the audience of millennial’s, as young as they are, are already too old to follow and Tom’s footsteps. That is unless you want to marry money.

Julian Edelman was there as Brady’s personal sidekick and gadfly.  Edelman worships the ground Tom walks on, and apparently sells the sod to those who want to touch greatness.

Julie E has a chip on his shoulder as he told the audience. He had to work for everything he has. It takes a great deal of work to keep everyone away from his good friend Tom Brady. That’s how you remain the best friend (by taking the role of Richard III).

If you missed the Tom Brady/Julian Edelman talk on success, you didn’t miss much. You would’ve learned a great deal more by listening to former FBI Director Comey as he detailed how Tom’s good friend tells lies, plain and simple. And we don’t mean Tony Robbins.

TB12’s A-M DB 11

DATELINE: Tom Brady to Carpool to Work?

TB12's A-M DB 11

Just when you thought it was safe to drive to work during the early morning commute, you learn that Tom Brady is having a custom-made Aston-Martin fitted to his own design specifications.

This sort of transportation transcends the Mini-Cooper and even our own BMW.  Aston Martin will pay Brady some unspecified amount to endorse their low-budget $212,000 cars (options extra).

This certainly makes Peyton Manning’s pizza deal of a lifetime of pepperoni look like anchovies under glass.

In a world of have nots and Trump-level billionaires, Tom Brady is casting his lot with the X-press Way of La Dolce Vita. He will not be allowed to commute to Foxboro from Brookline in the express lane unless he carpools with Julie E.

We don’t see that happening. Julian Edelman lives in Foxboro, not toney Brookline.

A friend of ours met Tom some years ago when he was not far removed from being a sixth round draft pick.

He and my friend met at one of those Cape Cod charity events when Tom watched as our friend had his red MB SLK 320 roof slide into the back seat.

Tom was agog, and said: “I need to get one of those.”

How times have changed.

He can now afford three of those Mercedes to one Aston Martin DB 11.  When Tom pushes a button on his new A-M, the entire car folds into the back seat.

And we were going to tell him to buy Aaron Hernandez’s used assassin 4-Runner Deathmobile SUV for sentimental reasons. He’s outdone us again.

 

 

 

 

Playoffs for Patriots Already?

 DATELINE:  Celtics Fans Line Up

Thomas & Tom IT4 & TB12

You know it’s playoff time in Boston. The Patriots are there again. But, wait, this time they are at the TD Boston Garden! No, it’s not a celebration of the Super Bowl.

The Patriots are there for the Celtics. Yes, there seemed to be as many Pats sitting courtside as there were Celtics playing the game.

Former Patriot LaGarrette Blount was there—as he has all season—sitting about as close to Coach Bill Belichick as he may find himself this season.

Two out of three quarterbacks were in the building: Jimmy G, flashing a sign to fans on the Jumbotron, and Jacoby Brissett (we fondly call him Jackie Bissette after the 1970s movie star). Tom may not show up until LeBron arrives.

Since Isaiah went to a Pats game in a Brady jersey, you can expect some kind of reciprocal gesture from Tom.

You could see Julian Edelman next to the bench of Celtics and texted out how it’s time to “bleed Green.”

Julian roommate and punter Chad Allen came along. So were newcomers Stephen Gilmore and Brandin Cooks, receiving ovations from the crowd in their first Boston public appearance.

Rob Ninkovitch & Jamie White sat there too.  Owner Bob Kraft joined hands with NFL union boss, DeMaurice Smith.

Belichick waved a Celtics jersey to stir up the crowd into a frenzy of four-letter words that did not spell love for the Washington Wiz.

We suspect that when LeBron hits town when the Celtics move on, you will find the big guns showing up.

Obligation for Tom Brady to Pass Along a Reward

DATELINE:  Super Bowl Hero Revealed

dylan wagnerWho’d guess that Tom Brady’s most important fan lived in Seattle, home of the Seahawks?

It just goes to show that Patriots Nation is indeed a national group. The biggest hero of two Patriot Super Bowls is 19, fresh-faced, and deserving of some true Patriot appreciation.

Dylan Wagner is a lifelong fan of the Pats and a collector of memorabilia in his young life, as he is accomplished as a teenager.

He belongs to a collector network that often shares its prizes with each other online. Indeed, a Mexican journalist named Ortega proudly sent Dylan photos of his Super Bowl 49 Brady jersey.

At the time Dylan thought nothing of it because Tom Brady never went public with the theft of his Seattle Super Bowl jersey.

Ortega never explained to the young man how he came by the shirt.  In fact, only when the SB LI jersey went missing and was valued at $500,000, did the info come out that the other blouse was also stolen.

As Dylan counts an ATF agent as one of his friends in Boston, who also collects, he shared the story about Brady’s jersey, providing authorities with a big lead.

The ATF agent contacted the FBI—and the rest is Super Bowl trivia history. So, you can discount the Texas Rangers riding to the rescue. You can laugh off the idea that the NFL security forces did their job.

No, it came down to a vigilant and personable Patriots fan on the other coast who solved the riddle.

We strongly urge that someone whisper in Tom’s ear that he needs to send an autographed jersey to Dylan Wagner post-haste. Bob Kraft ought to be sending a couple of tickets to the opening game of the season to this honorary Patriot.

 

Brady & Gronk Chase Their Tales

DATELINE:  Dumb Opening Acts

 re-stolen jersey

When an aging 40-year old superstar QB chases down a superstar tight end coming off back surgery, you have the potential for a Super Nova.

This is the kind of tale told when you sit around a campfire and explain it to your grandchildren at the end of the 21st century.

In space terms, that’s one Big Bang.

If you see stars falling out of Super Bowl LII, you may think Belichick’s mantra of “One More,” could take on all the elements of Greek tragedy.

If you like your bangs with medical accoutrements, you may be in a body cast up to your earlobes with a cast of super stupid stars.

Instead of the Alpha, jock humor will be the Omega of the Patriots firmament.

Many fans, and Bob Kraft too, must have looked aghast upon the Great Chase of Brady after Gronk who re-stole the infamous Super Bowl jersey. Only Bob Kraft saw millions of dollars going down on the Fenway short right field.

If you want to steal the fire from heaven, you could end up in Hades.

The last time we saw a chase like this, it was in a Buster Keaton silent film about the Civil War called The General. The old locomotive went into the drink—and that was that.

Imagine losing your two biggest NFL stars at an MLB ceremony. It would be like Hertz giving Avis a bunch of flat tires. If you want to kick the tires on Brady and Gronk, you might wonder how they manage to run the field when Tony Romo retires the same day at a median of their ages owing to injury.

On the other hand, you might like the feistiness of the young pup Brady, having discovered his second childhood, and the quick, nimble recovery of a man prone to back pain. You may like to live dangerously.

Fortunately, the Great Fenway Chase was about as scripted as a Three Stooges skit about a week back.

Kraft Talks & Fake News Outlets Listen!

 DATELINE:  Billions for Defense

Mr. Kraft to you .jpg Call him Mr. Kraft

Mr. Robert Kraft, as he is known socially around Boston, is now in Phoenix for the NFL meetings. And, he is talking—and talking up a storm.

You will always recognize Bob Billionaire Kraft. He’s the man with the two-tone dress shirts, Brooks Brothers suit, and tennis shoes. Yes, money does have its privilege.

This week he had plenty to say when asked by word hungry media members. You have located the diametric opposite of Bill Belichick in the owner of the New England Patriots.

In a world of football secrets, Bob Kraft is the Edward Snowden of pigskin privacy.

So, what’s up?  Well, Tom Brady will play for seven more years—or until the locusts descend on Foxboro. It’s all right, fans. He’s a GOAT, though Kraft is not a fan of avocado ice cream.

Kraft wants to keep Bill Belichick happy with long life and many championships.  He promised to maintain Swami Belichick on a health regime so he can coach for twenty more years.

The Patriots owner has no intention of trading Malcolm Butler, his unhappiest player, because he is so nice and Kraft likes him. It seems to be the Golden Rule of football ownership.

Though he is Emperor of Gillette Stadium, Kraft must keep a suite ready for Roger Goodell in case he chooses to show up. So, Mr. Kraft is noting that Goodell is welcome to come since the owner has no choice but to say so. Indeed, on the other hand, he believes the Super Bowl victory LI vindicates his entire team—and humiliates Goodell.

There’s an olive branch laced with hemlock.

And, oh, yes, he’d also welcome former Jet Darrelle Revis back to the Patriots—just for good measure.

Patriots Day (Trump Style)

 

DATELINE:  To the Victors

real champs

Sports reporters, the biggest purveyors of fake news, are going into overdrive to spew their hate for Donald Trump.

President Trump has invited the Patriots of New England to the White House on Patriots’ Day.

For those in other parts of the country, Boston has a holiday no one else shares. It’s called Patriots’ Day, which celebrates, not the Boston Marathon which is held on that day, but to celebrate the battle of Lexington and Concord, Paul Revere’s ride, and the founding of a great nation.

Now the media is firing a shot heard round the world. They are coming up with some fake news to end all fake news.

The media is now insisting that a Patriots visit to the White House is going to undermine the complete success of the New England champs.

According to the liberal media, you will see a divide among the players in the locker room. According to these lowly paid, bumbling media experts, Bill Belichick’s team is on the verge of imploding over a visit to the White House.

Media members who have nothing in common with millionaire athletes they cover in the NFL, will now try to bond with political allies over politics to disparage the Patriots.

Normally athletes despise the media over their fake stories. Lowly paid and having low self-esteem, sports media will hobnob with their rich friends from the playing field (like small D democrats).

We will now have a daily roll-call of those who are refusing to attend Bob Kraft’s special party. The media will try to drive a wedge between players.

We are talking about the same people who hammer Tom Brady daily as being a cheater. They will now add the Tom Brady’s friends in high places put crimes against him, like Mexican thieves taking Tom’s jerseys, as part of a White House ploy to gain political favor.

Already some players have said they will not attend a White House function. These include players like Martellus Bennett and Chris Long who have already jumped ship, proving they were never real Patriots to begin with. Good riddance.

Put three lanterns in North Church’s steeple, the fake news is coming! The fake news is coming!

 

Disinvitations Accepted by NE Patriots

 DATELINE:  Hell, No, Don’t Go!

Hynkel's Dance Partner 

We certainly have to admire the chutzpah of the New England Patriots.

After attending the largest New England rally for Donald Trump on Tuesday after the Super Bowl, a growing list of Pats are refusing to visit the White House. Hightower, Blount, White, Long, and McCourty, have set the bar of first refusal.

We find this all rather amusing. Tom Brady did not set the precedent when he refused to go to the White House to meet Barack Obama, but it has caught on.

As one who always declines invitations to go anywhere, especially the White House, we know the value of a pre-emptive strike. Your best plan is to decline any invitation you think you may receive in a long-shot.

Trump may only invite a half-dozen friends from New England over for a Rose Garden moment. That would be chummy.

It is always nice to be asked to a party, even if you have no intention of going.

However, when last we looked, the New England Patriots have not, as a team, been invited to go to the White House.

We recall when a historical moment at the White House had some intrinsic value, but that may be way before any of the current crop of players were born. You actually felt the invitation came from the nation as a whole, represented by the president as an individual.

Symbolic or emblematic value seems to have gone the way of Pat Patriot, the long ago image of the Patriots. He’s been replaced by the Flying Elvis symbol of the Kraft family.

We hope that Mr. Trump does not invite the new-fangled Pats to the White House, but instead tells them to take a flying Elvis off the nearest NFL stadium.

Babe in Toyland: Julian Edelman

DATELINE: Paternity Duds

 Bill Edelman:Julian Belichick

This week’s doomsday-sayers were not pontificating about Gronk’s terrible fate, but about Edelman.

Julie E has been somewhat of an absentee receiver this season. His pinned foot allegedly has made him into a slewfoot for gossip.

So, when he was not seen at practice this week one day, the murmurs and whispers reached a cacophony of snickers—and we don’t mean candy bars.

Of course, leave it to Chris Hogan, the wide-eyed long-bomb target of Tommy B this season, to let us in on the scoop. He almost appears to have taken the place of Julie in Tom’s playbook heart

Now, however, if Chris Hogan is to be believed, Edelman was in California on family business. How well has he kept us in the dark about the family way? For a greater part of this season, surely. It appears Edelman is now a proud papa of a baby girl named Lily.

No word on the mother. We can only speculate that nuptials are not in Edelman’s near future, as he is a dog star. Nor will changing diapers be high on his nightly workload. With a baby on the West Coast, and Edelman snowed in on the East Coast, he will be sending Pampers strictly by mail order.

It’s close enough to the big doo-doo for him. With his pal Gronk now under the knife and in traction and backing out of future wild and crazy antics, it would appear that Danny Amendola has moved to the front burner.

We saw Danny sitting next to Julian, sitting next to Tom on the heated bench, this past week during the Jets game.

As those two were exchanging recipes for finding loopholes in paternity suits, we noticed Chris Hogan slip into the mix and monopolize Tom over on the other side of the bench.

You never know what plots are afoot on the Patriots. It’s like monitoring the court of Henry VIII. You know a beheading is right around the corner where the hatchet man is named Belichick.

Babes in the woods are not withstanding.

Bye Week Bye-Bye for Patriots

DATELINE:  Halloween Surprise

Laughing Cavalier2

When Danny Ainge of the Celtics decided to trade and to dump R.J. Hunter at the start of the season, there was agony and expressions to the public of the difficulty of professional sports in human terms.

When Swami Bill Belichick of the Patriots decided to trade and to dump Jamie Collins, the public went into a tizzy. You have just experienced the awe and mystery of Bill Belichick.

It was a shocker. Oh, really? Just hours before Sunday’s game with the Bills, there were pundits predicting that Jamie Collins would not be back in 2017. Surprise, indeed. He will not be back in 2016. Trick or treat?

Jamie Collins won fans forever when he jumped over the center to try to block a field goal. It was striking and unique.

However, dyed in the wool types who go for the whole nine yards will tell you that, if you plan to be a Gronk-style power-house, you had better be Gronk.

Jamie, we watch Gronk week after week—and, Jamie, you are no Gronk.

It’s again a case of Boston sports stars who read the media and begin to believe they are superstars. Once they leave the ranch, they seem to go into lemming mode: off the cliff before you can say (fill in the blank with any Belichick cast off).

The day Swami Bill sends Tom Brady into the sunset (or probably Gronk a tad sooner), you will likely see the end of Belichick’s era. Until then, your sports team is under someone else’s control.

Yes, Belichick controls the vertical, and Belichick controls the horizontal. He can make the picture a dull focus, or he can turn it to crystal clarity. Sit back, for another season, and enjoy the next game because the awe and mystery is only part of the Belichick game.

You have entered the Outer Limits of the Swami.

Victory for Brady & Pats Again

 DATELINE: Unsportsmanlikefulvous yellow

The Patriots had a Bengal Tiger by the tail for the second half of the game at Foxboro, according to the referees who came to the game directly from their meeting at the Old Ladies Sewing Circle.

A most unhappy lot of Bengals were playing over their heads in the first half, mostly heady over sacking Tom Brady repeatedly. Thank heavens the offensive line gave no more offense by half-time. Tom does not approve of Tony the Tiger and Sugar Frosted Flakes, and so the Bengal Tigers probably incensed him.

When the momentum changed, the Bengal pussycats started to show their claws. The Cincinnati team had a lean and hungry look—and such teams are exceedingly dangerous.

They even took to baiting Gronk, who never quite lost it as he did in this game. We saw a most uncharacteristic Gronk being called for unsportsmanlike conduct, worse apparently than taunting the enemy.

We know Gronk was not feeling well because he was doing a shimmy shake at the goal line when LaGarrette Blount mixed it up with the Bengals.

Gronk agitated is a sight to behold. When he came off the field, he seemed to make a case to a mostly sympathetic Swami Belichick, but the real support came from Jimmy G and Devon McCourty who congratulated him on his bad sportsmanship on the sidelines.

Brady seemed to need a few extra minutes to raise up his hackles. By the second half, he made mincemeat of the Bengals—and gave Gronk one of his biggest career days for yardage.

It seems highly likely that Brady may have more yards than quarterbacks who will have played all sixteen regular season games, having done his work neatly in a dozen games.

On to Pittsburgh with the Roger Goodell Memorial Tour.