Life, Death, & Patriots on Miami Beach

DATELINE:  Tropic of Capricorn


All God’s chill’un will be going down with Moses on Sunday in hot spell Miami.

Good Grief, the Patriots left Julian Edelman home. There was not enough reason to pay the freight on his ticket on a charter flight. For good measure Julian’s “Burger Tyme” costar, Chandler, aka Bones, Jones is also not about to risk life and limb in Miami.

Death in Miami Beach used to be a 1950s joke, then it was a South Beach dead man’s joke with Andrew Cunanan. But, the place was the ultimate laugher when LeBron James moved there.

This winter season the Dolphins are in a can like tuna for your cat.

Don’t count on the fact that one spoonful of Dolphin tuna can make you wretchedly sick, enough to lose a home field under ice.

The Patriots have also pulled Don’t’a Hightower off the Do’a Hightower List. That high tower looks scalable now.

This leaves us wondering just who Belichick will pull out of the game plan on game day when you either got game or become the game for the big game hunters. You are starting to smell gamy when the gamecock is plucked.

Tom Brady already looks like General Zaroff’s quarry. And, Coach Campbell Soup is just the dish to eat Brady alive, and we aren’t crackers with this worry.

This Sunday we won’t see Leiningen versus the ants, but the naked jungle of Miami is a place where the smallest creature can be warlike. Just ask Charlton Heston (Gronk) and Eleanor Parker (Brady).


Chris McCain: Wanted for Impersonating a College Player

DATELINE:  Can the Dolphin

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For a few short days, the Dolphins will live, feel dawn, see sunset glow, but then the Patriots will host them at Gillette Stadium, the last refuge of braggadocio scoundrels.

Soon the Dolphins too will lie in tuna factory with the Jets, the Colts, and four other victims of Tom Brady’s “revenge on them all” bunch.

The latest in a long litany of ninnies is Dolphin Chris McCain, not to be confused with Chris Crocker, the dimwit who cried about being fair to Britney Spears and later became a gay porn star.

McCain is in the mold of Sheldon Richardson, Richard Sherman, and a series of loudmouth punks who try to tie their names to Tom Brady. It must have something to do with hoping fifteen minutes of fame will rub off during a 60-minute game. Fat chance.

This Mr. McCain is no war hero and is not related to Senator John McCain. This former California Golden Bear plays for the rejuvenated and deluded Miami Dolphins. About a year ago he posted his Twitter photo that featured him squeezing Tom Brady’s head like it was a walnut.

This bulletin board material will hardly inflame anyone on the Patriots, though Julien Edelman might have some kind of Photoshop response with a tad more wit and a little less subtlety. McCain seems to have stunted mental growth, keeping him at the primary levels of thinking skills.

Kicked off his college team for conduct detrimental to the team, he was signed by Miami—the team that brought you Aaron Hernandez’s best friend, Mike Pouncey, the man with the Free Hernandez cap.

Now that the new Coach Campbell is accepting everything from soup to nuts on his squad, McCain fits right in as the cracker in the bowl of hearty har-har Chicken Noodle soup.

McCain’s claim to fame, besides being expelled from his college football team, is that he boasts a Wikipedia biography of a dozen lines, and not many statistics worth repeating. His Dolphins webpage biography is a sign of diminishing returns. Is there anything there? Is there anyone home?

We expect Gronk to bounce him out of the club on Thursday night.