Julian Edelman’s Hairless Chipmunk

 JULIAN Julie after

BEFORE & AFTER SHAVE

While Tom Brady went on a world tour without his teammate Julian Edelman, the slot receiver created his own buzz.

Together with his own follower, Danny Amendola, the two close friends went to Mexico to learn how to wrestle. And, upon returning, won the notoriety that comes with being a nude inlay spread for ESPN’s naked athlete edition.

Posing in capes and masks may seem like child’s play, but ever since growing that mangy beard, Julie needed to compensate for something.

Now, our crack investigative skills have solved the mystery. We examined “before and after pix” of the twelve-packed short receiver in a variety of poses. We are now ready to deliver the fake news of the week.

It seems likely that Julie E and his constant donut companion Danny A have taken up the painful hobby of full body waxing.

It has paid off with an in tandem photo shoot with another Boston pipsqueak: Isaiah Thomas who bares all his tattoos in the upcoming ESPN Body Issue 2017.

Julie has spared himself the pain and agony, not of defeat, but of ink blots. Thomas, on the other shoulder and arm, has not. Both men have kept the Inkster away from their keester. Thank you, ESPN, for this salient bit of real news.

For months, Julian Edelman dropped hints that he had dropped his pantaloons for ESPN’s notorious nude issue. This year, following Gronk in 2012, five years earlier, Julie E flaunted and teased, his modus operandi in many spheres of life.

This time, he took with him another Boston superstar and admirer of Tom Brady: the chipmunk of the NBA, the effervescent Isaiah Thomas, a diminutive scoring machine of the Boston Celtics.

Both men are small for their sport, but normal in all matters not requiring mental agility and physical freakishness. Now they share the glow of healthy skin in a nude magazine spread.

It’s that glow of skin that has amused us: it was not always that way. We never forget a follicle, even if Tom Brady has had them transplanted from below his head. And now, hirsute Julie E.

 

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Secret Ceremony of Patriot Ring Bearers

Giselle & Bunch Lords of the Rings & Giselle

DATELINE:  Brady as Lord of the Rings

The New England Patriots Super Bowl party in which they were given their gaudy rings was an affair more secretive than a Masonic 33rd Degree installation.

If Aaron Hernandez were still alive, he’s accused all of  his former teammates of belonging to the Illuminati, or at least the billionaires among them.

Gronk let it be known that they were sworn not to talk about the details of the binge party. However, he did admit that Mr. Kraft knows how to throw a shebang. It isn’t difficult when you have $4 billion in your bank account.

Many of the former Patriots who have jumped ship for the upcoming season (including Martellus Bennett and LeGarrett Blount) were there. They certainly know they may never get to see another Super Bowl party with ring bearers.

Fake media was kept at a distance.

Tom Brady did come with his lovely wife Gisele who belongs to the almost-billionaire club, but you’d have to look hard for any other girlfriends or wives. We do know that Julian Edelman was right there, elbowing Giselle out of the picture.

Just to show he was the Eastern Star at this 33rd degree celebration, Tom wore all five of his Super Bowl rings. He even allowed Bill Belichick to put on those five so every finger on the Coach’s hands was covered in silver, gold, and diamonds of differing weights.

The event occurred in Bob Kraft’s mansion in Brookline, just a stone’s throw from Tom’s mansion in Brookline. Sometime in a future episode of Ancient Aliens, archaeologists will visit Brookline and say this was the City of the Gods.

We can’t tell you if the flying saucers landed, like Marshall Applewhite’s crew at Heaven’s Gate,  and which ones they took away.  We do know security took away many fake media members. ring bearers

Will Success Spoil Tom Brady?

 best buds

DATELINE:  Tony Robbins Extravaganza on Wealth

While former FBI Director James Comey was sticking a knife in the back of Donald Trump, Tom Brady was on stage in Boston giving a peptalk to those willing to pay $3000 to hear his words of wisdom. He did not walk on hot coals as Tony Robbins usually requires.

Based on the notes of Tom’s short speech, he had nothing to say about Donald Trump. Nor did he say a great deal about how he married Big and Beautiful $$$ himself.

That’s one sure way to accumulate wealth fast. In case you are living in a cave, or not a real Patriot fan, Tom’s wife is Giselle Bundchen, the highly successful but retired supermodel.

Tom basically gave his rags-to-riches story in terms of his making every football team where he ever tried out.

In case you didn’t know, he was he was Drew Bledsoe’s back up for a short time. He generously said he learned much from Bledsoe, but we recall that when Bledsoe returned from injury he started acting like Brady.

Someone learned from Tom’s peptalk and he didn’t have to pay an entrance fee. There were plenty of people willing to fork out big bucks to hear this drivel.

Brady admitted he didn’t know how to put on football pads when he first started playing. Fortunately, now he can’t afford to find someone someone to dress him.  They are called personal assistants. To be Tom’s assistant maybe as close as some of these rich folks in the audience will come to success.

We suspect that the audience of millennial’s, as young as they are, are already too old to follow and Tom’s footsteps. That is unless you want to marry money.

Julian Edelman was there as Brady’s personal sidekick and gadfly.  Edelman worships the ground Tom walks on, and apparently sells the sod to those who want to touch greatness.

Julie E has a chip on his shoulder as he told the audience. He had to work for everything he has. It takes a great deal of work to keep everyone away from his good friend Tom Brady. That’s how you remain the best friend (by taking the role of Richard III).

If you missed the Tom Brady/Julian Edelman talk on success, you didn’t miss much. You would’ve learned a great deal more by listening to former FBI Director Comey as he detailed how Tom’s good friend tells lies, plain and simple. And we don’t mean Tony Robbins.

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Playoffs for Patriots Already?

 DATELINE:  Celtics Fans Line Up

Thomas & Tom IT4 & TB12

You know it’s playoff time in Boston. The Patriots are there again. But, wait, this time they are at the TD Boston Garden! No, it’s not a celebration of the Super Bowl.

The Patriots are there for the Celtics. Yes, there seemed to be as many Pats sitting courtside as there were Celtics playing the game.

Former Patriot LaGarrette Blount was there—as he has all season—sitting about as close to Coach Bill Belichick as he may find himself this season.

Two out of three quarterbacks were in the building: Jimmy G, flashing a sign to fans on the Jumbotron, and Jacoby Brissett (we fondly call him Jackie Bissette after the 1970s movie star). Tom may not show up until LeBron arrives.

Since Isaiah went to a Pats game in a Brady jersey, you can expect some kind of reciprocal gesture from Tom.

You could see Julian Edelman next to the bench of Celtics and texted out how it’s time to “bleed Green.”

Julian roommate and punter Chad Allen came along. So were newcomers Stephen Gilmore and Brandin Cooks, receiving ovations from the crowd in their first Boston public appearance.

Rob Ninkovitch & Jamie White sat there too.  Owner Bob Kraft joined hands with NFL union boss, DeMaurice Smith.

Belichick waved a Celtics jersey to stir up the crowd into a frenzy of four-letter words that did not spell love for the Washington Wiz.

We suspect that when LeBron hits town when the Celtics move on, you will find the big guns showing up.

Babe in Toyland: Julian Edelman

DATELINE: Paternity Duds

 Bill Edelman:Julian Belichick

This week’s doomsday-sayers were not pontificating about Gronk’s terrible fate, but about Edelman.

Julie E has been somewhat of an absentee receiver this season. His pinned foot allegedly has made him into a slewfoot for gossip.

So, when he was not seen at practice this week one day, the murmurs and whispers reached a cacophony of snickers—and we don’t mean candy bars.

Of course, leave it to Chris Hogan, the wide-eyed long-bomb target of Tommy B this season, to let us in on the scoop. He almost appears to have taken the place of Julie in Tom’s playbook heart

Now, however, if Chris Hogan is to be believed, Edelman was in California on family business. How well has he kept us in the dark about the family way? For a greater part of this season, surely. It appears Edelman is now a proud papa of a baby girl named Lily.

No word on the mother. We can only speculate that nuptials are not in Edelman’s near future, as he is a dog star. Nor will changing diapers be high on his nightly workload. With a baby on the West Coast, and Edelman snowed in on the East Coast, he will be sending Pampers strictly by mail order.

It’s close enough to the big doo-doo for him. With his pal Gronk now under the knife and in traction and backing out of future wild and crazy antics, it would appear that Danny Amendola has moved to the front burner.

We saw Danny sitting next to Julian, sitting next to Tom on the heated bench, this past week during the Jets game.

As those two were exchanging recipes for finding loopholes in paternity suits, we noticed Chris Hogan slip into the mix and monopolize Tom over on the other side of the bench.

You never know what plots are afoot on the Patriots. It’s like monitoring the court of Henry VIII. You know a beheading is right around the corner where the hatchet man is named Belichick.

Babes in the woods are not withstanding.

Brady Mentions Edelman on Facebook!!

DATELINE: Two Exclamation Points!!

 

Like a good humorist, we use only two exclamation marks in our headline.

Tom Brady sent one of his patented and classic zingers in the direction of his occasional Burger Tyme friend, Julian Edelman, this week.

Apparently Tom had been watching the film of his near touchdown on the goal line where he was brutally hit from behind and knocked out of bounds. It was a Red Zone moment that referees often turn into Twilight Zone moments.

He had scored, breaking that invisible plane, but that view was denounced by referees in New York and on the scene. They are under orders to deny Tom any benefit unless it is clear cut—and then still deny it lest the Commissioner cut off their heads.

So, Tom was crushed. Standing nearby in joyous celebration was Jules. Alas, he was a tad premature and undone for not blocking the man with a bead on Tom.

Brady noted it was Julien flexing again, posing for those photos that adorn his man cave. Throwing one of those stink bomb bouquets at Edelman seems to make Tom feel better.

Tom’s Facebook tweet said it all:

And we quote: “Hey, Julian, how about a little less flexing and a little more blocking next time!!”

Brady let Julian off the hook by using only two exclamation points.

We suspect that the duly chastised Edelman will not respond on his own Facebook page. He might if the barb came flying his way from Gronk or Amendola. The bread is buttered on the side Julian likes—and he will not get butter on his pants when he is on a roll.

Edelman’s Unto the Breach, Thanks To Shakespeare

 DATELINE:  Literary Allusions, Patriot Illusions

 

Julian Edelman has referred to Henry V in his latest video: here is the actual Shakespearean soliloquy, more or less.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;

Or close the wall up with our Patriot dead!

In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man,

As modest stillness and humility;

But when the blast of gameday blows in our ears,

Then imitate the action of the tiger:

Stiffen the sinews, conjure up the blood,

Disguise fair nature with hard-favoured rage:

Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;

Let it pry through the portage of the head,

Like the brassy Super Bowl; let the brow o’erwhelm it

As fearfully as doth a galled rock

O’erhang and jutty his confounded base,

Swill’d with the wild and wasteful ocean.

Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide;

Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit

To his full height. On, on, you noblest Patriot,

Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!

Fathers that, like so many Tom Bradys,

Have in these parts from morn till even fought,

And sheathed their deflated balls for lack of argument.

Dishonour not your mothers: now attest,

That those whom you call’d fathers did beget you.

Be copy now to men of grosser blood,

And teach them how to play ball. And you, good fans,

Whose limbs were made in New England, show us here

The mettle of your pasture: let us swear

That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;

For there is none of you so mean and base,

That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,

Straining upon the start. The game’s afoot:

Follow your spirit; and upon this charge,

Cry ‘God for Tommy of New England! and Saint Gronk!’

Time & Tide Without Edelman and Lord Tennyson

Julian Edelman has crossed the bar, all metaphors being unequal. We do not refer to your local drinking emporium.

Well, Alfred Lord Tennyson might better understand the NFL injury reports and could explain why we feel bereft. We hope Jules will continue to make waves, but after a broken bone in his foot, he may be hobbling into the media sunset, leaving us sea sick.

Players with season-stopping injuries tend to disappear into the Valhalla where putting out to sea in flames is the norm. In the NFL your worst injury tends to shanghai the victim—at least in the world of Bill Belichick. Gone, baby, gone.

We might take some solace that foretopman Wes Welker could have signed with the Patriots—if he had waited a week longer before jumping ship with the Rams.

We think only of poor Tom Brady—bereft without his lifejacket. We never considered Julian a “Mae West,” but he was keeping Tom afloat on third downs.

Now we face twilight and evening bell—and after that the dark!

Danny Amendola expects to step into the breach. We must trust again in the great Pilot of the ship to find another replacement from his kit and caboodle of replacement parts.

The tide keeps moving, despite the loss of Dion Lewis and now Julian Edelman. Makeshift sails now power the offensive line since Nate Solder crossed that bar weeks ago.

The season is only half over—and the boundless deep still ahead may be filled with icebergs, as well as Scylla and Charybdis, not to mention Rex Ryan.

When the call comes, Patriots go into the foamy brine, leaving the rest of us in sad farewell. Edelman was our life saver, not just some candy-ass cabin boy.

There is but a glimmer of hope that Edelman could return for playoffs and Super Bowl, yet solitary Tom Brady expects the flood will bear him far, far into the playoffs–but without his crew.

Mother of Mercy, Can This Be the End of the Patriots’ Win Streak?

DATELINE:  Bad Omens

 Featured image

We felt an itchy premonition of unpleasantness on the 50th anniversary of the Great Northeast Blackout of 1965.

Back then, word slowly filtered down to those sitting down to dinner in the darkness of 5pm and driving home in the utter blackness of a commute without lights, the lights were out everywhere. The security of electric power was an illusion.

It was inconceivable.

Yet, there it was: theories abounded that UFOs had been seen on the Canadian border, near the Niagara Falls power stations.

Today, decades later, we felt the flickerings of another power failure coming at us. Something was amiss in the Patriots victory over the Washington Redskins.

The joie de vivre was missing. So were key players as they fell like characters in an Agatha Christie novel. Who or what was bumping them off to injury? Had fate taken a hand? Was the Brady hubris now taunting the gods of the NFL?

Oh, LaGarrette Blount kept chugging ground yards all day. But Brady threw one weird interception that seemed like something you’d expect from the next generation of bad quarterbacks. And, Edelman fumbled.

Were there UFOs over the power stations of Niagara again? Were we about to descend into darkness for the rest of the season? Would Tom Brady try to grow another beard?

The horrors were mounting, and the omens were hinting that a New England blackout was nearing. Our sense of perfection was shattered on this Sunday.

But, we are always a worry-wart. Perhaps it is nothing, but the memory of history—and the bad Patriot team of 1965 when a blackout shook our sense of confidence in power grids.

Videographer & Funnyman Julian Edelman Also Plays Ball

DATELINE: Smoothie King

Julian Edelman obviously wants to put sports humorists out of business.

As a secondary matter to his Patriotic vigor, he is an adept filmmaker. His latest effort is a parody of Star Wars, which he calls Star Pats. In it, the voice over identifies his “father”—Bill Belichick! It also notes his sister, and we see the back of Tom Brady walking the tunnel to the field. He seems to cast himself as some kind of Chewbacca, though that role ought to go to Gronk.

Hmmm. We are not sure whether Belichick is meant to be Han Solo or Darth Vader. And, Brady makes for a rather undainty princess. We leave the metapors to Edelman’s imagination. We will not follow in his footsteps (which may be a first for Ossurworld).

Often known his hijinks and lowjinks, a furtive groper of the first order in the lockerroom, we also were shocked, shocked, shocked, to see one of his bimbo pickups posting a photo of Julian in restful repose in bed after a vigorous game of bedposts.

Featured image

We cannot say whether we are more distressed than he has pursued a hobby of bimbos or that he made choice in the other direction of “either/or” matters of carnal knowledge.

Edelman is responsible for a number of byzantine videos on YouTube, including a few on “smoothies.” (Tom Brady doesn’t “have time” to do a best friend video, Edelman snorts.) Shane Vereen, however, asks him if that is a banana phone in his pocket. Punter Ryan Allen seems to take the butt of the joke role in all the vids.

Humor has gone to the slot receiving dogs.