Awaiting on the Partnership of Sullinger & Olynyk

 DATELINE: Return of Jelly O’Sully

sullinger devil in a black dress

 

With the departure of Rajon Rondo, the Celtics have a gaping hole in their conundrum syndrome.

Enter Jared Sullinger.

While not as Garboesque as Rondo, he is proving that he can be Rondoesque. The affable, social, friendly Sullinger will talk to the media—or anyone else who waylays him on the way to a game.

As consequence, he was the Late Mr. Sullinger for two games in one week. This resulted in the team benching him from the starting lineup. Coach Brad Stevens may have thought he was done with Advil moments when #9 hit the road, but think again.

Sullinger plays hot and cold. Gosh, does that remind you of anyone recently traded to Dallas?

And now the media is circling Jared Sullinger like he is the reincarnation of Rondo Past.

Who can blame the insider contingent? There is little precious to write about the Celtics nowadays.

Sullinger’s better half, Kelly Olynyk, seems injury prone this season and the tandem has not been on the floor together nearly as much as fate would allow. Once we have the exciting combo of Jelly O’Sully back in form, we know we are on the way to another championship (when Danny Ainge cashes in all those draft chips).

Olynyk may be a good partner for Sullinger now that Phil Pressey has been sent to the gulag in Maine. He needs a new number one go-to-supper on the road pal.

Sullinger could do worse than befriend Kelly who often calls his teammate “Mr. Hard Foul in Practice.”

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Celtics Future Clear: Considerations & Draft Picks

DATELINE: Stockpiling the Future Asset

Randy Scott

Danny Ainge’s cockamamie plan is now clear.

He intends to trade every player on the team for future draft picks.

If another NBA team wants a player on the Celtics roster, Ainge will do what he can to accommodate a trade. Nothing will come back to Boston in return—only future considerations.

Like ghosts on the Outward Bound ship to the afterlife, the new Celtics will feature empty spots on the bench.

You may think the Celtics will be short-handed, having sent everyone who can score (or even play) to another team. That’s a mere technicality. All that would remain on the bench would be injured players and fans who think they can play better than the present roster.

If the Celtics have no players, there will be great cost savings on salary for the next two years. Ainge has discovered that future considerations do not require a monthly paycheck.

This could save the team about $75 million each season.

Since the Celtics play to lose just about every game on the schedule, this fits right in with a plan to divest the Celtics organization of everyone except Brad Stevens.

As a groundbreaking strategy, the Celtics would become the first team in the history of professional sports to have no one on the roster.

They would have plenty of speculation and fan input for what players would eventually don the green uniform in two or three years. The team could open the TD Garden doors every night for a guest high school team to come to play an NBA game.

Fans might not see much difference from what has been on the parquet so far this season.

Zullard Unites with Rondo

DATELINE: FOLLOW THE YELLOWBRICK ROAD

ZULLARDMeet Zullard

 

Zullard replaces Jelly O’Sully for Celtics? Say it ain’t so!

If you want to know what Kelly Olynyk feels like, sitting on the bench, you only have to look at Will Middlebrooks sitting on the bench.

But, we know it won’t be for much longer. Will Middlebrooks has become a staple of injury and failed potential in Boston, and he will likely take that talent to a new venue soon. He has a better chance of changing his venue than Aaron Hernandez.

And, much as we hate to see our golddust twin to Jared Sullinger be sent packing, there are fans aplenty calling for his head to be rolled down the highway next to the head of Jonas Gray.

Kelly Olynyk may be the next Andrew Miller. He will be traded unceremoniously, then discovered to be an under appreciated gem. When you want him back, he will sign with the Yankees and say, “Jacoby Ellsbury said it was all right.”

Jelly O’Sully has been replaced by Zullard, which is the tandem that makes Rajon Rondo salivate.

jelly O'Sully So Long, Jelly

When Tyler Zeller catches impossible passes from the impossibly chic Rondo, you know he is heading for double-doubles. And, when Rondo anoints you, can coach Brad Stevens be far behind?

There are players we cried to see leave town (please, don’t remind of us our crying jag over Greg Stiemsma).

Eventually all things will pass, especially if you can’t catch a Rondo pass.

Jelly O’Sully may be dead, but long live Zullard.

Rondo Climbs the Mount and Gives a Sermon

DATELINE: Sermonizing to the Converted

Rondo Listens!

Rajon Rondo admitted it. “I’ve not been myself,” he told the assembled press.

Not since the Sermon on the Mount has such wisdom been dispensed. Rondo promised to whip up a fine repast and banquet with a loaf of stale bread and a sardine by next game. Thus spake Rondo as he offered his Beatitudes.

The wit and wisdom of Rondo was then spread among the faithless in a more than usually revealing interview.

Blessed are the shot-makers, for they shall have assists.

Blessed are the aggressive ball handlers, for they shall reach the paint.

Blessed are the turnover makers, for they shall return to the basket.

Blessed are those who don’t turn the ball over, for they shall enter the Kingdom of Another Banner.

Blessed are those who have a rhythm to their playmaking, for they shall have the hearts of their teammates.

Blessed are those who can make a free throw, for they shall have the confidence of the coach.

Blessed are those who consult with Tommy Heinsohn, for they shall have the wisdom of Bill Russell.

Blessed are those who believe in themselves, for they shall manage to thread a needle and score.

Rajon Rondo’s prayers have not yet been answered. No one answered Truman Capote’s prayers either. This does not look good for the most important man in the Celtics’ organization.

If you feel a wind at your back, it could be another trade rumor blowing hot and cold.

 

Over the Rainbow with Jelly and Philly Pressey

 DATELINE: HUMOR

3some

If the Detroit Pistons were a city, they’d be ….Detroit.

If Jelly O’Sully were a threesome, it would include Philly Steak Cutlet.

One of the worst teams in the NBA had their fourth quarter opportunity to knock off a leading Boston Celtics team. Unlike every other team the Celtis have played this season, the Pistons did not overcome.

It was a night that saw Rajon Rondo pulled off the court repeatedly. Was he injured? Well, his ego took a beating. Coach Brad Stevens feared he would be fouled in a critical situation—and the coach did not want Rondo at the free throw line.

When Rondo has a free throw, the game gets thrown in the hopper.

Also, it was a game in which the Golddust Twin KO Kelly Olynyk returned from whence no traveler usually returns. He actually played aggressive basketball, not his usually oversensitive style.

He livened up when Phil Pressey came on court to replace Rondo. Both young men fired up and raced around the court with crisp passes. They took control of the Celtics—overshadowing even the return of Marcus Smart.

Yet, the Celtics were not in the catbird seat by any means. You see Jared Sullinger went on hiatus until the overtime period. Then, he saw the hoop and started spewing three-point shots from the arc.

We were delighted to see the return of Jelly O’Sully with their boy Elroy Pressey.

Peabody and Sherman is an imperfect metaphor for the doglike devotion between Pressey and Olynyk.

Jelly O’Sully About to be Rent Apart

DATELINE: HUMOR

jelly O'Sully

The strange case of Jelly O’Sully would make Robert Louis Stevenson cry. Jekyll and Hyde had nothing on Sullinger and Olynyk. It appears one half of the new Celtics is too sensitive to buy into his genetic splice.

Yes, after a mind meld that would make Spock and Kirk one, we tried the technique last season on Jared Sullinger and Kelly Olynyk. They seemed like two halves of a future dynasty.

And, for a while, Coach Stevens (just call him Robert Louis Stevens) seemed to play along. He brought together the two disparate souls and tried to weave them into a starting lineup core to pass off Rajon Rondo, another head case that already had two halves.

After a promising start, Kelly Olynyk has started to tank. Now after an abysmal November, you find Olynyk and Sullinger separated on the court.

It appears that Kelly Olynyk is now KO’d. He spends more time on the bench, sitting next to his soulmate Phil Pressey. They seem to be the ones with chemistry, but we are not getting much better living through this chemistry.

It may be that where Pressey goeth, so shall KO follow.

3some

We used to have a tandem like this in Boston: it was Kendrick and Rajon, but the Celtics tore them asunder and created a downfall for the franchise. Wags noted that you couldn’t have two men starting who couldn’t shoot a free throw.

Now you can’t have two men spliced into one superstar.

Jelly O’Sully looks like jelly without peanut butter.

Warm Up Those Celtics Appetizers for the Big Day

DATELINE: Celts and Pats Underfed

Jones & O'Brien

On the Sunday before the Patriots travel to Lambeau Stadium in Green Bay to play the Packers in a dress rehearsal for the Super Bowl, the lowly Celtics have been relegated to hors d’oeuvres status.

As we look at the struggles of the team, Rajon Rondo remains the superstar of the present. Of course, with the team sinking faster than a leaky rowboat, Rondo begins to look like a hot dog on a toothpick when it comes to Sunday appetizers.

Jelly O’Sully may be the only sweet cake on the menu.

Otherwise, we have bacon-wrapped shrimps like Avery Bradley.

Most of the team makes a delicious party toast, which can be topped with beans and red onions. Unfortunately, as Coach Brad Stevens will tell you: the finish may mean bicarb for all eaters.

Green limejuice seems to be the seasonal choice for Celtics as you cover your favorite peanuts, fried by game’s end.

This cocktail favor will go down much easier after three or four apertifs during halftime.

If you put your little meatballs in a chafing dish, you may find you don’t break out in a rash by the fourth quarter when all hors d’oeuvres go south.

When the team starts to dip in midperiod, it may be time for a caramelized onion dip or you could look into the heart of an artichoke before the Celtics choke. Guacamole is a great game dip, but we urge you to save that for Green Bay’s demise.

As you can see, the holidays often mean the Celtics will be a mere cracker with cheese before the mighty Patriotic appetizers whet our taste for a February football game. By then, most of the hors d’oeuvres on the Celtics will be traded for a pig in a blanket.

Boston’s Tofu Turkey Awards

DATELINE:  Cranberry Sauce Optional

tofu turkey

Yes, it’s that time again when patriotic Red Riding Hoodie makes his way out to Green Bay to lay a turkey on the doorstep of Big Bad Wolf Aaron Rodgers.

The real winner of this year’s Tofu Turkey Award is Boston’s weather, dropping snow, rain, sleet, and whatever else was up in the atmosphere on the head of Bill Belichick. Not even a friendly weatherman could save the New England Coach.

Another Tofu Turkey will likely end up on the table of free agent pitcher Jon Lester, sent COD by King John Henry VIII.

Tofu Turkeys seem to be on the tables of all those extraneous players for the Red Sox that seem doomed to be traded for a pitcher: so long, Will Middlebrooks, Mookie Betts, Brock Holt, and Daniel Nava. Let’s not forget Yopenis.

Rajon Rondo of the Celtics, chef par excellence, plans on cooking a Tofu Turkey for all the teammates he hopes he never has to play with again. They have dropped more passes than a butterball turkey still frozen.

He also sent a Tofu Turkey to Kevin Love in Cleveland. It was like rubbing tofu in the wound. Love already knows his bird is overcooked, and he should have bought a microwave in Boston.

No Celtics seemed to be at the Reggie Lewis turkey giveaway for poor people this year. Tofu Turkey all around for those genuine turkeys in the Celtics organization.

Jelly O’Sully will receive the cranberries runner-up award for making a losing team fun. Thank you, Olynyk and Sullinger.

Of course, the big Tofu Turkey again goes this year to Aaron Hernandez who waived his court appearance this week, making his fans anticipate the big Tofu Turkey’s trial in January.

Rondo Naps During His Slumber Party

DATELINE: Dreamland

scene from Rondo's PJ Party

Pajamas Optional Slumber Party for Celtics

 

Rajon Rondo held his annual slumber party on Friday night. This season he waited until game-time in Memphis to cast sleepy-time dust everywhere.

The theme of this year’s snore-fest was Sleeping Beauty with Rondo in the lead role. Though most Rondo fans expected him to wait until the team returned home on some cold winter night, Rondo decided he wanted to experience the thrill of falling asleep at the wheel while out of town.

Not only that, everyone was waiting until the new NBA uniforms were ready to serve as pajamas. For Rondo the uniforms were optional.

Rondo surprised everyone by calling Mr. Sandman to do the play-by-play: bad passes and sloppy misdirection were on his highlight reel. He phoned in one of the worst games of his career, showing total disinterest in assisting players.

Rondo had fewer than five assists for the night, one of the worst numbers in a game where he was not injured. Last time a Boston athlete fell asleep and ruined his season, it was Clay Buchholz who awoke with a stiff neck that lasted until half a season.

Rondo’s annual slumber party usually is a freak show of oddball antics and odder-still friends.

And, without Kendrick Perkins leading the rousing pillow fight among teammates, there just seemed to be lethargy and yawns.

Rajon’s party favors usually include a home cooked meal for the team, or at least a couple of hors d’oeuvres served chilled.

This year’s event left Coach Brad Stevens utterly befuddled at his unofficial assistant’s inability to hit the snooze button with any accuracy.

Jelly O’Sully seemed ready to call the EMTs when Rondo could not be roused from a semi-comatose state. Fortunately for all, Avery Bradley is a whiz at telling bedtime stories. You could wish everyone a good night, but it was a gone-bad nap-time.

Gronk at Courtside Proves a Big Trial

DATELINE: HUMOR

cryin'jagGronky

New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick should know better than sending his players over to the Boston TD Garden to watch the Celtics nowadays. It is simply poor preparation for a big game on Sunday night. Some of that bad luck might rub off on his team.

The Celtics used to be inspiring with their mechanical victories. Now the Celtics choke more often than the proverbial horse eating apples. We kept waiting for Rondo to spike the ball to one-up the Gronkster.

Gronk sat near the Celtics bench for the big Lebron James game. No, this time he is back with Cleveland, but it still means trouble for the Green Team.

Up 19 points in the fourth quarter and looking like Brad Stevens has found the magic the leprechaun has hidden for three or four years, the Celtics started baking raspberry turnovers and making phantom passes to invisible teammates.

Gronk used to play basketball in high school and he seemed amazed, or dumbfounded. Of course, we must confess Gronk always looks like that. However, we feel this is not the right mental state to prepare for a big game.

What’s worse, Lebron James gave postgame interviews and discussed Gronk. He noted that the Patriot tight end is a “big m.f.” without the initials. Yes, he spelled it out for the cameras, syllable by syllable.

Gronk ignores the big mf

Gronk Ignores the Big M.F.

At least Gronk had the good sense not to pose for a photo with Lebron. That would have been too much big m…f…s… for Boston fans.

 

A Drummund Roll-Role Please for Drummond

DATELINE: SPELLCHECKERS PLEASE!

drummond

Leave it to the NBA, the league that has been tinkering with uniforms to the point of ugly. Now they have brought their shenanigans to a new level to humiliate one of the Detroit Piston players.

Will the real Andre Drummund please sit down?

Andre Drummond may not be known as Bulldog Drummond, but he bangs with the best of them.

Alas, the league went to the bushes and gave him a throwback jersey that would make him throw up. On the backside, near his big Zero was the misspelled last name he was not born with.

We have heard of the Witness Protection Program coming up with new names for those who want to hide, but Andre Drummond seems to be out for all to see on national TV. And, he seems to belong to the Witless Unprotected Program of the NBA.

Yes, that is his name misspelled on the jersey he had to wear for half a game, making him the laughingstock of TV viewers and fans. Now, granted, he may not have done this to himself, but then again, he may not have noticed how his name was spelled. After all, literacy is not always the primary talent of ballplayers.

You may bang the Drummund slowly for this player, but his name will always smell as sweet if Mr. Shakespeare is correct.

Rondo Has Screw Loose

DATELINE: HUMOR

Celtics Smart Players

Yes, it’s true. Rajon Rondo missed Saturday’s game against the Chicago Bulls. He went to the doctor to have a screw removed.

And, you thought he lost all his screws years ago.

It’s a decent screw and we hope Rondo keeps it as a memento. After all, it’s not every day you are unscrewed.

On the up side of this situation, this gives Phil Pressey a big opportunity to turn the screw on his fellow guards. The little big man has not played much so far this season, only a few garbage minutes.

3some

Now he can show that he’s not the only one with a stern father sitting in the stands. Heretofore, Jared Sullinger’s military pop has shown us what tough really means. Pressey has a former NBA daddy who never gave out much sugar.

Our faith in Phil’s better half of Jelly O’Sully has proven to be accurate and well-deserved so far. Fans are standing agog at Kelly Olynyk’s sharp play. Is he the answer we have been waiting for? He is, especially when coupled with his better half, Sullinger.

Now if only Smart can learn how to tape his ankles, we may have a dynasty in the making. Add to all of this the brains of Brad Stevens and we are feeling a great deal more confident about the Celtics than the Red Sox where baseball players only show their brains in hiring agents to win big contracts.

In the meantime, we wait for Rondo’s contract to come up in free agency. That’s when the biggest screw will be applied to the Boston Celtics.

Smartly Undone for the Celtics

DATELINE: UNFUNNY

Celtics Smart Players

One of the major sidelights of the season we have ignored is Marcus Smart, but we aren’t smarty-pants. We have been stung by our harsh opinion, and—yes—it smarts. Now, five games into his career, the young player with impressive minutes per game, may have broken an ankle.

We did not think he was a good draft choice, mostly based on at least one incident in which he went into the stands during a game to punch out a fan that spoke to him disrespectfully.

 

That was all we needed to convince us to call for quarantine. We did not want Thugzilla in Boston. Now we are thinking that the Celtics face another hideous player tragedy: loss of Smart.

 

Several weeks into the season, we do notice that Smart is receiving star treatment from all sides. And his behavior is stand-out normal.

 

Our old theorem is that stars are instant, and the Smart money is on Marcus. There is no development needed for stars. They show up whole and complete, no matter what the sport, no matter what the position.

 

And, we are smarting from our judgmental attitude once again.

 

Marcus Smart seems older than his years. Is it wisdom or simply a stylistic way of playing? He is fearless and not in awe of any big veteran star on floor. Is that arrogance, or equal opportunity knocking?

 

Smart seemed at first a poor shooter, or at least a perennially bad one. He fired away on all cylinders even if there were blanks in the barrel. As games have proceeded, he seems to be a secret cache of armament.

 

Do we dare think of him as the new Larry Bird? We must defer to Tom Heinsohn whose opinion always leaves us humble—and he is saying little, which may be volumes of insight.

 

Smart has one of those names—like Orr, Bird, Gronk and Rondo—that has metaphoric resonance. We may be smart to pay attention. Yet, career ruining injuries dogged Orr, Bird, Gronk, and Rondo, too.

Celtics Stink Up the Joint in Houston

 DATELINE: HUMOR

EINSTEIN'S PICK

Coach Brad Stevens is Aging Fast

 

After a brilliant first game of the season, the Boston Celtics have reverted to true form. They have hidden their light under a bushel for game #2.

As Larry Bird once said, if you live by the three-point shot, you will die by it too. The Celtics kept shooting from the three-point arc with gay abandon. Alas, the abandon extended across the lineup. There were 21 attempts at 3-pointers in a row with nary a point to be had.

At one point with three minutes left, Brad Stevens had seen enough. He put every scrub on his bench out on the floor. Even if he had played a dozen men at the same time against the Houston Rockets, the red glare already had blinded the Celtics.

The only good point was that the big Patriots game on Sunday overshadowed the pipsqueak game in Houston. No one was thinking basketball on Saturday with football on Sunday. If you can draw a lesson from the first two games, the Celtics are not yet ready for prime time.

We swallowed the earlier guff that the Celtics had a chance (albeit an excellent chance) to pull out this road game and start the season with two victories. We felt we were now ready to buy the Brooklyn Bridge and started looking for realtors. Talk about dumb.

Rajon Rondo had taken the team out for a three-hour lunch to help their bonding the day before. It was his treat, but after this game he looked like Thurston Howell III about to take a three-hour ride on the SS Minnow.

The game was so putrid that Brad Stevens even played Phil Pressey for three and a half minutes. It was like an episode of Two and a Half Men with everyone acting like Charlie Sheen.

Offensive rebounding was truly offensive, and the Celts looked like cads on the rebound.

 

Rondo Naps Amid Celtic Nips and Tucks

DATELINE: CELTIC HUMOR

TB@12

A squirt with magic dust!

With the Celtics season opener on the line, Rajon Rondo continued to tease the media and fans. All week he had been handicapping his potential return to game playing.

Early in the week, the rating started at 79% and rose upwards of 83% in the day before the Kevin Garnett Nets of some city or other came to Boston.

Then, Rondo returned to his rare form by announcing he would take a nap before the season opener. Only after awakening, like Sleeping Beauty, he would announce whether he would be fit enough to play.

We did not dare ask what Prince Charming would be given the task of kissing our slumbering but not slumping star. Normally such dirty work went to Kendrick Perkins, but there are no big men big enough to bring a star beauty out of a beauty sleep. We suspected this was a job for Celtic superstar Jelly O’Sully.

The odds still have not been fairly assessed. Rondo awoke on his own and announced with trumpets blaring that he would indeed play.

And play he did.

Tom Brady, another sleeping beauty whose awakening has turned back the clocks in Boston a week or two early, sent out a tweet to Rondo’s minions wishing them luck.

It appeared the Celtics did not need luck. The Nets did. The Celtics actually looked interesting and fun. Jelly O’Sully played like a big man when he is actually two big men, Olynyk and Sullinger.

Our favorite little leprechaun of the season never made it off the bench, alas. Phil Pressey is the sort of boy you send to do a man’s job. He did not have a chance this night.

It looks like our humor train is pulling out of the station on time this season.