Trick or Treat, Belichick Style

 DATELINE:  Yes, We Have No Bananas

Did Bill Belichick just put a razor blade in Patriot fans’ apple?  Or like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, did he simply offer the Apple to the Sodom and Gomorrah team of America?

Shock waves continue to reverberate around New England as the man in the Grim Reaper costume goes door to door, locker to locker, looking for another trick to pull.

Tom Brady, youthful optimist, wished another of his long-term second-bananas the best of luck. Poor Jimmy G will need it with the band of merry losers out by the Golden Gate.

The revolving door of quarterbacks likely means that Belichick has another sleight of hand at the ready before the end of trade deadline. We are not privy to the inner machinations of the Machiavelli of football.

We would suggest that Drew Bledsoe will not come out of retirement for the Patriots. Their last-ditch quarterback replacement always was Julian Edelman who is now wearing his costume for the big Day of the Dead festival in Foxboro.

We already let the black cat out of the bag before tossing him into the Charles River by mentioning the name of Brian Hoyer, long-time Shemp to the stooges who wait in vain for Brady to grow old.

Brady is smiling like Alfred E. Neumann because he knows that he will never age and will never lose a step.

Does Robert Kraft have Colin Kaepernick’s smartphone number on speed dial? We await the special prosecutor investigation of the Jimmy G deal.

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Jimmy G By-Gone with the Wind

DATELINE:  Cable Cars Come and Go

As coach Swami Bill Belichick said to Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”  With those words, the quarterback of the Patriots future went West, Young Man.

With NFL QBs at a premium, and with their quarterback of the future under contract for two more years, the Patriots felt strongly they could send Jimmy G packing before the Curse of the Broken Brady Mirror caused untolled grief in New England.

Though thought to be set as the next Franchise Player, arrested and held in house for next season, it appears that another Tom Brady acolyte will be running his own team sooner than later.

The San Francisco 49ers will not re-sign Colin Kaepernick now that Jimmy will be high-stepping and standing up for Country.

As for the Patriots, the Patriots are left with only one young, handsome immortal:  the ever-perennial blooming Jack Benny of the Gridiron. Tom plans to stick around.

Who then shall take a seat behind Brady for the rest of the season? Surely, Trump-loving Belichick will not stand for Colin Kaepernick. No, he won’t have to. It appears the 49ers will release Brian Hoyer, Tom’s past backup QB. Tom’s other backups are all hard at work with other teams:  Jacoby, Matts 1 & 2,  and now again Brian–but hold on to your past backup.

Everything comes full circle. The one-time Brady backup Hoyer who flopped in San Francisco and left his heart on the field will return to New England where the splinters in his pants are awaiting a reunion with his former championship team.

Well, now, you don’t need a rear-view mirror after all, Tom.  Take Maxwell’s Silver Hammer to another one.

Boston Celtics Unveil Third Big Three

DATELINE:  Here We Go Again, Hopefully

whats not to like?

Nouveau Celtics: Hayward and Irving, Alphabetically

After a long hiatus, we returned to watching The Boston Celtics again.

They do look rather exciting this season, which may take the sting off the stink of the Patriots.

On top of that, the Celtics don’t take a knee during the national anthem. They may be more interested in making the Celtics great again, not making Trump look good.

There is a new big three in town.  Kyrie Irving surprises us by being find less sour than we remembered him on the Cleveland team, and Gordon Hayward is far more muscular than we remembered him on the Utah team. Combine them with our new old favorite Al Horford, and we feel like Bird, McHale, and Parrish, have just walked through that door. Well, Bird has returned: oh, wait, it’s Jabari Bird, not Larry.

Or perhaps we see a new version of Garnett, Pierce, and Ray Allen, if only they provide us with such soap opera drama.

Indeed, 2/3 of the Celtics roster is totally new. We couldn’t recognize anyone. Trader Danny Ainge has brought back only four young players, but even they look like Celtics of the future. We refer to Jaylen Brown, the new number seven, and Jayson Tatum, the new big zero. Red Sox star Mookie Betts showed up to jump-start the inter-sports support.

These youngsters seem to be taking the places of memories we have of Rajon Rondeau and Avery Bradley.

The best came from announcer and Hall of Famer, always amusing, 83-year-old Tommy Heinsohn. He said he had seen the new center, bullish Aron Baynes in the shower, and he represented the big continent of Australia in sheer size.

Heavens, can things be looking up from Down Under?

Feud: Ryan Murphy & Olivia DeHavilland

DATELINE: Creepy Producer

 

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The spry legend, Miss Olivia DeHavilland whose Oscars outnumber anything Ryan Murphy will ever compile, has fired another volley at miniseries Feud: Joan & Bette, created by Mr. Murphy.

Right before the series is about to reap Emmy glory for its hilarious and entertaining depiction of two movie stars in a death throe struggle like scorpions, more turns of the screw emerge.

Miss DeHavilland’s character, ‘herself’ it appears, is a mere supporting figure. Yet, she does not like how she is portrayed. In a deposition through her lawyers, she tells the world she never called her sister, actress Joan Fontaine, ‘a bitch’ to any director or producer.

That may mean she used to term privately among friends, or even to hapless Joan Fontaine’s face, but her point is the script and series misrepresented her behavior. She said: “The false statements and unauthorized use of my name, identity and image by the creators of Feud have caused me discomfort, anxiety, embarrassment, and distress.”

Yes, being violated is like that, no matter what your age.

Murphy’s glad-hand attitude demeans Miss DeHavilland by calling her “Olivia,” despite her age, her position, and the fact that he never has met her, let alone sought her permission to use her as a figure in a docudrama.

In blatant admission, Murphy’s mouthpieces claim: “The fact that the words attributed to her and the purported endorsement are false does not transform the character into anything other than an exact depiction of de Havilland.”  Hunh?

That’s quite an admission: they know they have misused her by having her say words she never uttered, but it’s all for the profit of Ryan Murphy—and to give us viewers a few guffaws.

We wish to point out that Miss DeHavilland is a real human being, not an emblematic symbol like the White Whale, appearing in a work of fiction.

Murphy is betting that the 101-year old Oscar winner may pop off at any time—thus giving him the last word, which he will have anyhow as time will likely bestow on him the honor to be standing at the end of all this mess.

In all likelihood, the arrogant TV producer probably thought DeHavilland was already dead—and it didn’t matter how he used her identity.

What the old legend is showing here is that identity theft can occur in many ways:  when you profit from stealing someone’s personality, you’re a thief, Mr. Murphy. But, as Hollywood producers go, that is no crime at all.

 

No Crying Jag for Crying Game

 DATELINE:  Sexual Politics in the IRA

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Twenty-five years ago, The Crying Game was nominated for Oscar’s Best Picture and co-star Jaye Davidson was a nominee for supporting star. Davidson stayed in movies a few more years before deciding to drop out, disliking the attention.

Director Neil Jordan made his reputation with the movie and worked deliberately since, with Interview with the Vampire standing out from his oeuvre.

The Crying Game uses the terrorism of the Irish Republic Army as a backdrop for sexual politics.

The impressive cast is so young and fresh: Forrest Whitaker as a British soldier, Stephen Rea as his abductor, Miranda Richardson as a firebrand radical, with Jim Broadbent—and, of course, Jaye Davidson as the striking main squeeze of Forrest Whitaker.

The film is two distinct halves: the capture of the victim and his ordeal, and Rea’s escape to England to find Whitaker’s paramour (at the request of the prisoner).

Twists of the plot and turns of the body politic make for Jordan’s unusual take on how radical agendas may be dwarfed by the personal foibles of the participants.

If someone spoiled the story-line for you, curses on them. You need to see this to figure it out—and the clues are omnipresent from the easy friendship between Rea and Whittaker, to the odd Metro bar where Dil sings after daywork as a hairdresser.

Where Rea’s IRA escapee seems too easily manipulated by the women around him, the women are forceful and willing to take charge.

Jordan throws pop music handily into the plot—from Percy Sledge’s “When a Man Loves a Woman,” to the ultimate, “Stand by Your Man,” sung by Tammy Wynette. There is subtext here, mostly found in the song of the movie title, lip-synched by Davidson effectively in one scene.

Watching the film, you will know why it was all the rage a generation ago—and remains topical and effective today.

 

MacBird Outdid Trump as Caesar 45 years ago

 Julius Trump?

DATELINE:  Shakespeare in Absentia

We have seen many updated versions of Shakespeare over the years. Indeed, we enjoy seeing the Bard transported to new locations and timeframes. It often electrifies the message that has become stale to modern audiences.

We have seen Shakespeare set in Nazi Germany (Richard III), in the world of bikers (Coriolanus), in the world of independent film students (Hamlet), a corporate boardroom (Othello), and now we find a stage production of Julius Caesar in American politics.

The Shakespeare in the Park production makes Caesar a lookalike Donald Trump who hath grown ambitious. He has that chock of blond hair weave and an overlong red tie. He also has a bloated ego.

The man who would be emperor is assassinated by senators with knives, just like 2000 years ago. How much progress we have made in politics?

This version has created a firestorm, causing corporate sponsors to try to stifle artistic expression by withdrawing support. It’s a tempest in a teapot.

We think back to the Vietnam War days—and back then we must have been less sensitive because Macbeth was presented on stage in the form of MacBird.

That little ditty suggested that Lyndon Johnson had been behind the assassination of John Kennedy. In this cruel satire, without the Shakespearean tongue, the Scottish thane Macbird and his wife, Lady Bird, are party to a ruthless series of killings to rise to the top of the nation. Was Lyndon not born of woman?

We recall amusement about seeing a dumb tasteless play that presented President Johnson portrayed for conspiracy theorists  as Macbeth, but it did not quite engender the furor that President Trump has exemplified in a Caesar mode.

Satirizing politics of the moment has become a dangerous business. Just ask Alec Baldwin or Kathy Griffin who claim they are subject to social anger on social media.

So, too, Julius Caesar has created a debate—not about politics, but about art. To be or not, we’ll wait for the movie version.

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

NFL’s Gabbert: If You Need a Friend…

 DATELINE: CLOWN HUMOR

 

In San Francisco the only big news is an earthquake. Suppose the 49ers throw a press conference and no one shows up.

Starting QB Blaine Gabbert showed up for his press conference, and he ended up having a front row seat. He waited for the party to begin and put on his funny hat and blew his noisemaker. No one was there.

Send in the clowns. There ought to be clowns.

Alas, war should be so much fun. Suppose they throw one and no one came.

Tom Brady may have seen the reports and had a wishful moment back in Boston. The day he walks into an empty room, the world must have ended.

No rap on Gabbert’s rapping ability, but his third-rate team forgot to notify the media sycophants that their weekly meal was available. Usually tape worms are running the tapes 24-7.

Gabbert had to feel like he was picking up team meds at CVS, open 24 hours, and found no one home. What will you do without pain killers? In the NFL, you play with a concussion.

When you find no one at your presser, you may wonder if you had a concussion this week. If he’s lucky, his opponents won’t show on Sunday.

Next week we recommend that Gabbert pull an Andy Warhol and send in a double. The assembled media probably will not know the difference. Then again, neither may his San Francisco team executives.

As long as they sign the paycheck, Gabbert will show up at non-events any time the team wants him there. This is the magic bullet you take for your teammates.

Julian Edelman Paves the Road to Hell

DATELINE:  Stand Down Comic

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We all know the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Julian Edelman is now on the DPW truck with tar on his hands.

If you think Edelman is an untouchable on the Patriots team because of his extraordinary development into the new Wes Welker, you need only ask Wes Welker how important that is.

Welker made a few foot jokes at the expense of podiatrist loving Rex Ryan—and it was the beginning of his New England curtain call. When he made choice comments in regard to his Machiavellian coach, he was toast. They did not want him back.

Edelman is stepping into those discarded shoes of Wes Welker. His interview with loathsome ESPN may be on the verge of treason in the fiefdom of Foxboro.

The slot man gives a dead-on impersonation of Bill Belichick in his full dyspepsia mode, telling players, “There are players at Foxboro High School who can play better.”  Even a moment after he did his public version of a Saturday Night Live skit, he knew it was less than a good idea.

That did not stop him from imitating Tom Brady in full octave higher mode, sounding like a harpie. Hmm, there goes four years of hard work trying to be Tom’s best buddy. Gronk’s take on it is that Julian is a toady of the highest order. Jules recounts his four year effort to become Tom’s jock-sniffing lackey.

Of course, Edelman’s piece of resistance may center on the Gaza strip tease he did. When asked if he were Jewish, Edelman put the emphasis on “ish.”  Hmm, we doubt that won him any friends at B’nai B’rith.

The entire idea to do an in-season interview on the network that had most blown up the Deflategate contretemps seems ill-advised at best. Whether Julian Edelman turns out to be the hero of the Patriots, or another cast off, only the cognoscenti can say. And, we aren’t talking.