Secret Ceremony of Patriot Ring Bearers

Giselle & Bunch Lords of the Rings & Giselle

DATELINE:  Brady as Lord of the Rings

The New England Patriots Super Bowl party in which they were given their gaudy rings was an affair more secretive than a Masonic 33rd Degree installation.

If Aaron Hernandez were still alive, he’s accused all of  his former teammates of belonging to the Illuminati, or at least the billionaires among them.

Gronk let it be known that they were sworn not to talk about the details of the binge party. However, he did admit that Mr. Kraft knows how to throw a shebang. It isn’t difficult when you have $4 billion in your bank account.

Many of the former Patriots who have jumped ship for the upcoming season (including Martellus Bennett and LeGarrett Blount) were there. They certainly know they may never get to see another Super Bowl party with ring bearers.

Fake media was kept at a distance.

Tom Brady did come with his lovely wife Gisele who belongs to the almost-billionaire club, but you’d have to look hard for any other girlfriends or wives. We do know that Julian Edelman was right there, elbowing Giselle out of the picture.

Just to show he was the Eastern Star at this 33rd degree celebration, Tom wore all five of his Super Bowl rings. He even allowed Bill Belichick to put on those five so every finger on the Coach’s hands was covered in silver, gold, and diamonds of differing weights.

The event occurred in Bob Kraft’s mansion in Brookline, just a stone’s throw from Tom’s mansion in Brookline. Sometime in a future episode of Ancient Aliens, archaeologists will visit Brookline and say this was the City of the Gods.

We can’t tell you if the flying saucers landed, like Marshall Applewhite’s crew at Heaven’s Gate,  and which ones they took away.  We do know security took away many fake media members. ring bearers

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Dinner with Gronk

DATELINE: Yum-Yum, Eat’em UP

 

Rob Gronkowski has started to rev up his personality for the forthcoming football season. They begin stretching and yoga this week at the Patriots camp, and it has Gronk excited, according to a new interview.

You have to pick up your Gronk pieces of resistance now because once his game face comes on, there will be little humor.

As astute interviewer asked him to name the three people in the world with whom he’d like to have dinner.

The answer deserves a bit of deconstruction. He named Channing Tatum, The Rock Dwight Johnson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Governator.

He did not hesitate with this group, which means he likely was not joking. What on earth would they talk about over banana daiquiris?

There are common denominators. First and foremost, we are talking about people in movies. The Rock moved from sports to traditional action star—and Arnold was once a body beautiful who became a sci-fi staple. Channing is a danseur comedian par excellence as we saw in Magic Mike.

Have we here a glimpse of the post-football career of Gronk? Is it possible he will appear in the next Magic Mike, as the next Terminator, and as a hirsute version of Dwight Johnson?

Already a sharp performer, Gronk calls himself “one-take” Gronk for his ability to hit his marks before the camera.

Yes, he would pick these brains about the next direction for a most interesting personality. Like Rock, Channing, and Arnold, Gronk will join those known by only one name. There can be no one else like him.

Gronk Drops His Veils at Male Stripping

DATELINE:  It’s Raining Men!

 

One of “The Dancing Men” may have confounded Sherlock Holmes in his famous case, but Sherlock never met Gronk. Did Channing Tatum miss his cue when he failed to sign Gronk for a role in Magic Mike??

Gronk always likes to whisper his innermost secrets on a national stage. It took an appearance on Conehead O’Brien’s seldom watched late-night show for Gronk to spill the beans about his adventure in semaphore as a dancing man.

A fan dance is done with fans. A male stripper probably uses semaphore to flag down any secrets. If Gronk’s life as Gypsy is put to music, “Let Me Entertain You,” might serve as his anthem.

In college Gronk went along to a job as security guard to a male stripper where 30 women had gathered for a night of turning the tables on disrobing.

It did not take long for the circle to find its jerk. They plied Gronk with drink and song, and he stood among them, stripping off his security guard uniform, giving lap dances, and doing what came naturally.

The upshot was that Gronk made only $25 at this endeavor. He must have been doing something wrong.

Maybe it was not his crowd—being mostly matrons. There are some circles where transgendered fans might shower him in gold.

Without much embarrassment, Gronk expressed with his usual aplomb that he probably deserved more money than he received. Of course, if true to form, Gronk still has that $25 salted away for a day when it rains men.

Return from the Ashcan: Gronk & Edelman Can

DATELINE:  T-Shirt Tease

 

Defying the odds and probably medical wisdom, the twin wackos of the Patriots returned to practice.

Julian Edelman limped his way through a set of exercises about three weeks ahead of schedule. Whether this proves to be a miracle or simply foolhardy, only the days ahead will prove.

He was high-fived by his Patriot compatriot in crime, Rob Gronkowski.

These boys likely urge each other onward and upward, even if it’s a bad idea to step onto a bad gam during a big game.

We saw the hideous result of a broken bone, unhealed and unknitted, being tested too soon in the case of Tony Romo, who simply fell slightly off and rebroke his collar bone.

Bones are funny, even when they aren’t in your elbow.

Bill Belichick gave a smile as he saw his twin kookoos on the field together again. It was the kind of approval that clearly sent a message to the entire team. Win one for the Gipper is only a phrase. Win one for the gimps might be more accurate.

Even if they are not 100% and are out on the field during the game as a ruse to fool the opponents, they have value. They will draw attention and likely give Tom Brady the millisecond he needs to calibrate his arm’s throwing.

So the madness in preparing Gronk and Jules for the game is diabolical in strategic value.

Big and little, the twin receivers of the corps will ring more bells than the Salvation Army can muster on a weekend before Christmas.

Eagle-Eyed Patriots To Avoid Bird Droppings

 

DATELINE: Bye Bye Birdie

 

Already we want to forget the Eagles. Don’t ask us to overlook them too. Birds of prey in need of prayers are always dangerous. Not since Mel Brooks was hit by the birds with scatological targeted antics will we see such a bird mess of a game.

Your standard city of brotherly lovers with the Philadelphia Eagles and their controversial Chip off the Old Block Head coach will next take a swipe at Tom Brady.

We cannot tell which way the wind will blow on this game. The NFL has recently re-assigned their worst referee team to do the game. Watch out for funnel clouds and foggy calls. Whistle-gate is apt to have a part two during this game.

Chip is a chump, hardly a champ, and reportedly has lost control of his team (if ever he had control). Didn’t black players on the Eagles whisper he held white supremacist ideas? Now they quit on him in mid-games. If you believe that Chip is a great coach, you probably leave chewing gum on your bedpost.

Gronk likely won’t appear in this lamebrain zebra/ref extravaganza. So, the fixers will be hard pressed to call Offensive Pass Interference—unless it is on cable-TV reception. OPI is not Ron Howard’s old TV role.

Jamie Collins will apparently return from the dead, raised by Coach Belichick after a cure of Bubonic Plague was found in Foxboro. After Belichick casts out Jamie’s demons, you know intravenous fluids will bring Collins back up to snuff.

Danny Amendola may have said, “Amen,” after genuflecting to the God of Knee Sprains. Let’s hope he offered a novena for Gronk.

Dry cleaning bills on Brady’s white pants have increased sharply in recent weeks—and the offensive line had to pick up the tab after picking up the quarterback.

Patriots Try To Comprehend Fatalism

 

DATELINE: Rotten Irony

No Patriot fan wants to read this.

Like the Hindenberg, the New England Patriots have had a catastrophe, not a loss of one game. Now, as the game tally sheets will not tell you, week after week, one disastrous injury after another has decimated the Brady team and its morale.

Next man up may ring hollow after the loss of Gronk.

You could see the entire team deflated through the snowflakes. Perhaps the footing led to the accident that caused the loss of Gronk. Perhaps it was larger, like divine retribution.

Those who have hated the Patriots and stuck pins in every voodoo doll they could find, may now have some smug satisfaction. The Patriots have lost a game—and a half-dozen stars that would have catapulted them to glory, if quantum physics would have allowed.

In another universe the Patriots are still winning and healthy. But, we are trapped in this universe and must face the ugly laws of probability and human frailty.

We could run you through the logical progression of the loss of a nail causes the loss of a war.  Escalating cause/effect has some kind of Jungian explanation for such coincidental horror.

We don’t need to hear it. We saw the black hole in Denver as well as we once saw a baseball go between the knees of Bill Buckner. Sometimes one injury can cause a season to be lost: other teams have had catastrophic losses too.

But none has lost every weapon, every option, every star, one after another. No other team had the destiny of perfection within its grasp.

Somewhere tonight Roger Goodell has breathed a sigh of relief. His prayers have been answered.

You could blame the weather, or even the NFL referees who obviously tried to penalize the Patriots to death. It is unfair and vile.

There is a month left in the season, but you might as well turn out the lights now. We saw it briefly in Tom Brady’s eyes. It’s called shock.

Sing Along with BB (Music Man Belichick)

DATELINE: with a Capital D

Patriot Receivers

 

There’s trouble in Foxboro City with a capital T.

There’s no protection for Brady, which starts with a ‘p’

And ends with a sack.

We’ve surely got trouble, as our old pal the Music Man used to tell us.

Friends, the injured is receiver is the opponent’s playmaker. Yep, we got trouble right here in Bradyland.

Watch for the tell-tale sign of a rushed passer. The moment the ball leaves his hand, does Brady end up in a heap under two men?

Is there a nicotine stain on his white pants? Is there a playbook lost in the turkey stuffing?  Has Brady stopped memorizing the names of his O-line, or does he call them all “Rex Ryan”?

We can only hope that Tom remembers the Maine, the Alamo, Plymouth Rock, and the Golden Rule!

Are certain new words creeping into his vocabulary, like “Help!” and “Swell!” Mothers of Patriot Fandom, keep your sons from losing their shirts at betting sites like FanDooDoo. Oh, we got trouble.

Friends, fantasy football is Goodell’s playground.

If so, there is Trouble in Josh McDaniel’s play calling with a capital T.

That game with inflated balls is in Goodell’s playground.

Oh, we got trouble, trouble, trouble. Gotta rhyme it with D. And that stands for Denver where they give BB plenty of T.

We’ve lost E, which stands for Edelman, N which stands for Nate, and now A, which stands for Amendola.  And we can’t buy a vowel. We can only pray that G will give D plenty T.

G stands for Gronk in this formula.

Gronk’s Party Cruise Ship: Mal de Merry

 DATELINE: Sink or Swim

Gronky

 

No one told us! We have discovered there are few spaces left on the party ship to set sail for the Bahamas in February. Gronk is hosting a party ship. Move over, drydock. Look out, Andrea Doria.

We presume too that this may be a Super Bowl party combination.

All guests with reservations on the ship actually will be able to pose with Gronk for a photo. At least we think it is the real Gronk, not a cardboard cutout. We already have one of those pix from Dunkin’ Donuts.

This continues Gronkonomics, a means for the Gronk to make money hand over fist without cashing a single paycheck from the Kraft family sports team.

Gronk’s parents appear to be on board this party ship as chaperones. His brothers will be there to prevent assaults for deranged women looking to make a husband out of the New England tight end.

The few balcony rooms left for our delectation will cost $1500 per person for the three days. We will need to find someone willing to spend three days and two nights with us in a small room. This is especially important for those with a tendency to be seasick after imbibing many drinks.

Whether this is another overblown publicity stunt by the master of gathering attention is unknown. We are leery of ships going out into the Atlantic in iceberg season.

We have not even considered the likelihood of coming down with a stomach virus, which we always see on the news when cruise ships are stalled out at sea.

If you are pickled with Gronk, we suppose neither iceberg nor viral infection will slow you down.

Gronk’s Latest Commercial Endorsement: $$ in Bank

DATELINE:  Money Saving Tips from Gronk

 thank you, ESPN

Gronkonomics may be the next phase of financial spiking.

Yes, Capital One—bank and credit card company—has hired Gronk as their spokesman. This may seem to undercut the economy—or it could mean a bull market. Cash cows are running for tax shelters.

Gronk apparently won the hearts of bankers everywhere when he announced he never cashes his paychecks, but merely banks them. He lives off his product endorsements—which are plenty. He is awash in Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, among other businesses.

Alas, most of us cannot afford not to cash our paychecks. Most fans of Gronk make their millions by betting on FannyDoodoo and BoyKinks, fantasy betting sites.

We may wonder what makes Gronk a nickel squeezer in a world of flagrant fouls and nouveau riche athletes. Being tight with the Buffalo nickel is nothing new for a boy who grew up where the bison roam in Buffalo.

Gronk is hardly spending money on his wardrobe—which remains gym teacher basic. His sneaks may be the biggest cost, but some products are given to him to try out! If he likes them, he signs a contract to endorse the product.

Gronk’s Spartan living quarters feature no art or decorations. He lives with a bed and training equipment. He always can find a bed with his parents, brothers, or sundry admirers everywhere as long as they have an unlimited supply of Polish sausage and Chicken Sue flay.

One of his best friends, who likes to travel in style wherever he goes, dunned Gronk last year for not spending money. When Gronk arranged a trip to Las Vegas for the twosome, it was tied into a promotion for hotels. Of course, we cannot praise profligate Julian Edelman who does not own a coat and lives with a roommate and teammate Ryan Allen.

We are going to try Gronkonomics by saving as much money as possible by not paying the mortgage and withholding tax on our royalties. We will keep you apprised of growth in our bank account.

 

 

To Flay or To Souffle: Gronk’s Big Question

DATELINE: HUMOR

Gronk has been doing online interviews again. So, you can expect the sublime and the ridiculous.

For the most part, there is nothing in between for Gronk. Whether it is tackling or receiving the ball, he plays the same way. You then should not be surprised by his everyday life.

Gronk is a magnificent beast when he runs for a TD and spikes the ball in the endzone. That is sublime and ridiculous entwined.

When doing his robotic, kung-fu style dance moves, he is no Cam Newton. Yet, Gronk’s ridiculous appearance rivals the ridiculous as when Fred Astaire dances with a broom.

As to why he is reluctant to have online accounts, like Snapchat, Gronk explains that women will send him off-color photos. This problem would likely cause him trouble. He prefers his off-color in the locker room. We were reminded he likes to eat Polish sausage.

Wisdom in this day and age indeed.

We were most struck with Gronk’s ridiculously sublime eating habits.

Gronk confessed that his mother makes a superior “Chicken Sue flay.”

We immediately went to our mother’s treasured cookbook to find out why we never were served such a delectable. We felt ridiculous, and hardly sublime.

We found recipes by Bobby Flay, some kind of chef and something called SoyVay Chicken, but not Sue Flay.

We once experienced a cheddar and chicken soufflé, but this dish seemed to be too exotic for Gronk. But wait, do you think the continental Gronk, known for his facility with all things fiesta, might have a Francophobic blind spot?

If asked, Gronk will tell us he loves franks, especially with beans. It’s ridiculous to expect more, or even less.

A Modest Proposal of Marriage by Gronk

DATELINE: Dullard Central

 thank you, ESPN

Gronk, the New England Patriot Playboy of the Western World, went on TV this week to give the qualities he needed in a wife.

This sent hearts aflutter—for a spikey minute.

Women who want to apply for the job may be like Shayanna Jenkins, more interested in a good buck than any rhyming scheme.

Gronk listed his qualities in a descending order that might send most women into a downward spiral.

He wants someone who cleans, cooks, takes care of the house, stays at home, lets him do what he wants, and is beautiful. At least those were the salient points.

In the words of another odd couple, “Hokey Smoke, Bullwinkle.”

If you think Gronk is looking for a mother, you’d probably be wrong. He did not mention sex, though beautiful could possibly cover that dimension. We suspect Gronk doesn’t really need another person for sex. He is everything he needs in one package.

And what does Gronk offer in return? Well, there is the unlimited money making possibility of endorsements and movies. He can give the perpetual joy of having the excitement of a man-child discovering the world. And he has a body to rival Michelangelo’s David—well, at least in the short haul.

As we look over this list, we know that we are not a viable candidate, having passed the age of most old gray mares. We also must ponder that Floyd Mayweather already has rounded up Justin Bieber. But we do realize that Gronk does not want a wife. What he wants is a houseboy.

 

Brady Airs It Out and Reveals Airhead

DATELINE: Jump!

airhead brady

 

Tom Brady did not take a long walk off a short pier. He made a mad leap off a cliff. He wasn’t wearing a blindfold and being held at swordpoint by deranged Jets fans.

He seemed to take a leap of faith by his own accord.

We expect actions like this from Rob Gronkowski, but not from general studies major Tom.

Taking a leap of faith, Tom lost the faithful. Bill Belichick now must ponder the contract that forbids behavior unbecoming a man ready to leap into a black hole.

Stephen Hawking might not be able to bring Tom back from a quantum leap into the forty-foot drop of Costa Rica. Any injury might cost the Patriots plenty.

Maybe Giselle, his wife, wants to be a rich widow. She encouraged his jump. Of course, she already has more money than he.

Can it be that Tom is having a middle-aged crisis? He posted himself as Air Brady, but Airhead Brady might be more appropriate.

Has Tom turned into Paulie Shore? He seemed to quiver like a bowl of jelly before the leap into the abyss. That might be the last vestige of good sense going down the forty feet with him.

After Bill Belichick threw Darrelle Revis off a cliff a few weeks ago—and forced Vince Wilfork to walk a plank into the void known as Houston, Brady may be showing he wants to be part of the bunch. Yep, he’s gone bananas.

 

 

 

 

Gronk & Edelman Up a Tree

DATELINE: HUMORESQUE

Rondo&CoachRelaxing

There’s trouble in Paradise. Public spats used to be the purview of Burton and Taylor and Bogie and Bacall.

Yep, our two favorite Patriots are now up a tree throwing a hissy fit.

Now public spats are the stuff of new legends–Gronk and Jules. The two Pats are no longer patting each other’s rumps. It seems they are traveling in Los Angeles on different planes of being. It’s bad karma after a Super Duper Bowl party.

Once inseparable Vegas types who left the rumors swirling of what happened in Vegas staying in Vegas, they now are a couple of LA-LA boys whose Sunsets Boulevards are crossing Wilshire and Vine, heading to the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Gronk and Jules are putting up their dukes on Twitter for a few choice words about how “I invite your fake ass out,” only to be met with a tightwad bad date.

Going Dutch has its advantages, but Dutch on the Downlow may be too high a price for Gronk. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or a slot receiver taking on his tightest end.

We haven’t seen such fireworks since James Franco and Seth McFarland made a movie together.

Gronk and Jules can surely make a pretty picture.

We begin to wonder who will be named in the divorce suit for alienation of affection.

As for now, Julian Edelman is trying to shame his living end as a power play. When you are half the man size of Gronk, you have to play every card.

Alas, the best part of this LA trip will be played off camera and out of the reach of Twitter.

Nothing to Laugh At in Boston Sports

DATELINE: HUMORLESS

Dumb America

With a dearth of Boston sports humor lately, we are asked by fans: is there anything even remotely funny about the Boston sports teams?

In a word, no.

We are facing Aaron Hernandez’s murder trial in Fall River, a locale where Lizzie Borden also reached the heights of infamy. There have been precious few sit-coms about Lizzie in the past hundred years. We have had a few chuckles over Hernandez the Chucklehead.

We did like the ditty kids used to sing about Lizzie, but there has been no song for Hernandez, though we saw him do a pregame dance on videotape before killing Odin Lloyd.

Also, the Boston Marathon bomber hardly garners any laughs lately. We have found his endless requests to change venue fairly laughable. Four times now and counting.

He claims he cannot have a fair trial in the city that is Boston Strong. Then, during opening arguments, his lawyer admits he did it. So, why are we having this charade of a trial? Oh, it’s to see if he deserves the Timothy McVeigh treatment.

That too is a no-brainer.

After those sports stories, you hardly feel like guffawing over the pale shadow of Celtics or the off-season antics of Gronk in Vegas.

Apart from the hairdos of Cuban players, is there anything remotely funny about the Red Sox in Spring Training?

We have been working on our next book on the Titanic, another knee-slapper. So, forgive us if we haven’t been looking at the whimsical world lately in a funny way.

And, oh, yeah, it’s tax time. LOL.

Patriot Player Involved in Girl-Gate!

 DATELINE: DATE HUMOR

gronkGronk

 

If you thought Deflategate was the big Patriot controversy of this year, you’d have overlooked Girlgate. It’s 50 shades of gray matter for Gronk.

Yes, Gronk has thrust the Patriots into the middle of coitus interruptus when it comes to girls.

Gronk has sparked nearly as much interplay as the Devil in the Black & Blue Dress. In case your friends have not retweeted it to you, here’s the news. Gronk does not have a girlfriend. “sometimes chicks are crazy,” he reports.

This news flash has driven women across the globe crazy.

It has caused some men to come rushing out of the closet to offer their opinion that Gronk is gay and has been carrying on with Justin Bieber.

Others say he is what is known in the parlance as an “eligible bachelor.” Some say he is not the marrying kind.

So, Gronk continues to dangle that carrot and refuses to buy into the carat thing,

Next thing you know, owner Bob Kraft will be demanding an apology from the media and gay rights advocates.

Tom Brady wants to be a movie star after football, but a role in a remake of Gone Girl will belong only to Gronk.

We don’t understand why people are down low on the concept of playing the field. Isn’t that what Gronk does professionally?

Now if you had asked if Aaron Hernandez really likes girls, we would have a tweet worth sending with flowers.