Civil War Gold: Overboard and Underwhelmed

 DATELINE:  Gong Show Amateurs

Marty  Enter Mr. Moneybags

After four weeks of toying with the Civil War gold hunters, Marty Lagina comes through with a boat. We half expected he would provide them with the SS Minnow, as Kevin Dykstra tends to look more like the Skipper than Gilligan. Marty Lagina shows up as Thurston Howell, III, and brother Rick is a no-show as Lovey.

Welcome to episode five of Curse of Civil War Gold.

To our surprise, Lagina coughed up plenty to give them a state-of-the-art 80’ yacht with all the amenities of up-to-date sonar and research ability. They even have a captain who seems to know what he is doing, though that never stops the hunters from ignoring expertise.

Kevin Dykstra is hell-bent on diving, even in choppy seas. Much to our amusement, Marty Lagina showed up for the first dive, as if to check on how his money is being spent.

Of course, the first hit is not the right boxcar on the dice. After one of the gold hunters tells Lagina there can only be so many boxcars at the bottom of Lake Michigan, we discover there are at least two.

Strike one does not daunt Kevin Dykstra who is eager to don his wet suit as if posing for the ‘before’ pictures for Jenny Craig. Alas, not using experts continues to be the daunting issue here. During his second jump, Dykstra actually breaks a hip by hitting the diving platform. Curses, foiled again.

Though they were on the cusp of finding some kind of valuable metal, the entire operation is scrubbed because of the Chuck Barris Gong Show mentality.

If there is a silver lining, it means that a real diving team will have to finish the job: so Lagina will call in his old Oak Island stand-by to resolve the issue.

We are at the end of this season, with episode six on the horizon.

And, if there is any explanation of why the series has been called the Curse of Civil War Gold, we are hard-pressed to know what it is.

We don’t usually blame stupidity on curses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Bridge Too Far to Play

DATELINE:  Gamblers Anonymous

Our Bridge Team Under Fire!

As an avid bridge player, you have to worry about the latest crackdown. The card game is now bridge over troubled waters.

Senior citizens in Thailand were arrested for being dummies.

The actual suspected crime is gambling, but the oldsters were arrested for having illegal playing cards. Perhaps it was the deck with pictures of Playboy bunnies—or some other sexual deviance well known to Thailand.

Bridge is best played nowadays with a computer that holds all three hands—and surrenders to you when it is your partner as dummy. We suspect Roger Clemens, A-Rod, and Barry Bonds all play bridge.

We have found that computers cheat at bridge. And, everyone knows that computers are programmed by cheating human beings. Machines come naturally into the world as innocents (sort of like playing cards). It is the environment that corrupts games and cards.

Just ask the skilled experts who guess winners of the NFL each week on  FanDuel or DraftKings. The corruption quotient is creeping in from the coasts. Hawaii is now joining New York in banning these games of corrupt chance.

We never thought you could make millions playing bridge.  Now that the word is out, we expect more young people under age forty will buy a deck of cards and build their empire.

We have decided to cancel any notion of a trip to Thailand. It joins Hawaii and New York as places that are kill-joys when it comes to get rich quick schemes.

Was Bernie Madoff a bridge player? We wouldn’t be surprised.

The $350,000 Question: Can FanKings and DraftDuels Lose?

 DATELINE:  Can ESPN Be Far Behind?

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If you think FanDuel and DraftKings have more in common than a missing space between their titles, you may be on to something. Is the operation rigged?

It appears that the $64,000 question has arisen from the dead game shows of the past.

Can it be the two sports game sites are fixed? That there is insider trading of information has become an issue when a rival employee used his insider stats to win $350,000.  That dwarfs the old TV game show scandal by nearly seven times, if our fixed math education does not fail us. Obscene winning does not compute.

We have been overwhelmed by the series of manic commercials permeating sporting events by the two dueling kings of gambling online. We have been disturbed by the idea that a generation of young men, with no discernible and employable skills, now will start to make a living as gamblers in the world of chance. Talk about strip poker!

Holy rollers, how high can the winnings go? One man-in-street claims in a commercial that he spent $35 and won $2million. It’s enough to make you quit your day job and put the life savings of $50 into this week’s NFL picks. Hey, our guess is good as a win.

When your economy is based on sports, the next step is to share the wealth with gambling sites apparently. Move over, Pete Rose.

If you cannot be a millionaire athlete, overpaid and wallowing in celebrity, you may as well be a swine wallowing in the dirty games of fixed gaming online.

When we hear that pro athletes are members of KingDraft and DuelFans, we will know the entire house of cards of online gambling and sports is about to burst the Wall Street bubble.