Turf Time Beats Star Gate for Patriots

 DATELINE:  Belichick Mows Fake Grass

 


Lean and hungry Cassius speaks some rather profound lines in Julius Caesar: “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but ourselves.”

In a normal universe that might be true, but we are talking the world of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro where the Caesar of Sports, Bill Belichick, would beg to differ. Walt Whitman might like blades of grass, but we never guessed Belichick would agree with him.

As for fake Brady news, he would rather cut his teeth on broken mirror glass than play on fake turf.

After a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Chiefs, Tom Brady and company are fully embarrassed. But, don’t blame your stars, and they won’t blame themselves.

The fault, dear Brutus, and dear Belichick, is in the turf.

Yep, you guessed it:  The Patriots have ordered the old turf be torn up and replaced immediately. The old turf was installed in May at great expense. Some “players” called it too soft. Heavens, not soft! The Patriots are not looking for a Beauty Rest mattress.

Tom Brady may hawk the mattress in one of his hilarious commercials, but the Pats like it hard.

There is likely only two people who could exercise the power over the Kraft family to insist the turf ‘n surf dinner be taken off the clubhouse menu. They are the same tandem that can veto new artificial grass.

That is Coach Belichick the Great, and his acolyte Tom Brady the Ageless.

Yes, indeed, we may have voted to legalize grass in Massachusetts, but don’t let that have an impact on the Patriots. Off with the turf.

A new sod will replace the new old sod. Some old sod will do the work in time for the next home game. If they lose again, you may have to look skyward: the only blame left is in the stars.

No, not those stars.

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Brady’s Small Circle of Friends

 DATELINE:  Ah, There’s the Rub

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Tom Brady’s judgment of character came into question this week in Boston Magazine.

As expected after Deflategate, everything and everyone in Tom Brady’s life now comes under scrutiny.

And under a few rocks in Brady’s backyard you are likely to find something lurking. If it looks like a Gila monster, it could be one.

So it is not a surprise that Tom’s best friend and mentor, Alex Guerrero, also a business partner, has been under investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

It appears Guerrero has pushed one too many pills down Tom’s throat. A self-styled “doctor” and medical expert on health and fitness, he has parlayed his insider knowledge into a career and business. You might even call him a hanger-on. Unfortunately, some government watchdogs believe he is about as genuine as the great Wizard of Oz.

Apparently Guerrero started out as Tom’s masseur—and quickly found himself elevated to a massage therapist and fitness expert. Being a pal to a Super Bowl winner can do that overnight.

We can only wonder if he recommended the plastic surgeon Tom consulted over the summer. As a judge of character, Tom changed his face from shopworn at 40 to a Botox mask of indeterminate age.

What is undeniable is that Tom has taken to a healthy regimen like Jack LaLanne (not on steroids). There are many so-called physical gurus out there—and most are infomercial kingpins. Few, however, have claimed to have found a cure for cancer, like this mentor.

Guerrero is Tom’s figurative godfather. Well, technically, he has been called the official and literal godfather to one of Tom’s sons. We aren’t sure who made the offer that could not be refused. Tom Brady always reserves the right of first refusal.