35% of Americans: What a Fox News Poll Never Told Us!

 DATELINE:  When 35% is a Majority 

According to Foxy News, 35% of viewers know their bastion of fair and balanced news is fake most of the time.

“Oh, let’s call a spade a spade,” is the motto of 35% of Foxy Americans when it comes down to racial epithets.

35% of Americans seem to think nuclear obliteration is a viable option.

35% of Americans agree that they learned nothing in school and don’t believe their teachers knew much anyhow.

35% of Americans think experts are overrated.

35% of Americans believe anything they read on the Internet.

35% of Americans think hurricanes are God’s punishment for opposing Donald Trump.

35% of Americans want to have another Civil War with East and West Coast against the Middle to have better balance.

35% of Americans think the US Constitution sank during the War of 1812—and it just doesn’t hold up in the 21st century court system.

35% of Americans think satire is evil.

35% of Americans believe Donald Trump is as sane as they are.

35% of Americans, more or less, believe rational behavior is not normal.

Around 35% of Americans believe “white supremacist” is a kind of Cool Whip topping.

35% of Americans think the word “immigration” means birds fly south for the winter because of global warming.

35% of Americans believe “lethal injection” is covered under pre-existing conditions in Obamacare.

35% of Americans think black flies matter during the summer when you go camping.

35% of Americans believe sexual harassment is as American as apple pie and baseball.

35% of Americans firmly believe “morons” should have unlimited access to the Oval Office.

35% of Americans believe the President has the right to shoot people in the street, regardless of national origin or race, but mostly because of national origin and race.

35% of Americans believe you can kneel during the National Anthem while in church.

35% of your fellow citizens believe shutting off TV news is the only way to deal with fake news.

35% of Americans think missppelling and ‘grammer misstakes are covered, under freedom of speech:

35% of Americans think polls are polarizing and should be banned from media reports.

The preceding blog is often called satire, but is usually misunderstood by readers who believe 35% of smartphones know too much.

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Turf Time Beats Star Gate for Patriots

 DATELINE:  Belichick Mows Fake Grass

 


Lean and hungry Cassius speaks some rather profound lines in Julius Caesar: “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but ourselves.”

In a normal universe that might be true, but we are talking the world of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro where the Caesar of Sports, Bill Belichick, would beg to differ. Walt Whitman might like blades of grass, but we never guessed Belichick would agree with him.

As for fake Brady news, he would rather cut his teeth on broken mirror glass than play on fake turf.

After a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Chiefs, Tom Brady and company are fully embarrassed. But, don’t blame your stars, and they won’t blame themselves.

The fault, dear Brutus, and dear Belichick, is in the turf.

Yep, you guessed it:  The Patriots have ordered the old turf be torn up and replaced immediately. The old turf was installed in May at great expense. Some “players” called it too soft. Heavens, not soft! The Patriots are not looking for a Beauty Rest mattress.

Tom Brady may hawk the mattress in one of his hilarious commercials, but the Pats like it hard.

There is likely only two people who could exercise the power over the Kraft family to insist the turf ‘n surf dinner be taken off the clubhouse menu. They are the same tandem that can veto new artificial grass.

That is Coach Belichick the Great, and his acolyte Tom Brady the Ageless.

Yes, indeed, we may have voted to legalize grass in Massachusetts, but don’t let that have an impact on the Patriots. Off with the turf.

A new sod will replace the new old sod. Some old sod will do the work in time for the next home game. If they lose again, you may have to look skyward: the only blame left is in the stars.

No, not those stars.

Brady’s Small Circle of Friends

 DATELINE:  Ah, There’s the Rub

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Tom Brady’s judgment of character came into question this week in Boston Magazine.

As expected after Deflategate, everything and everyone in Tom Brady’s life now comes under scrutiny.

And under a few rocks in Brady’s backyard you are likely to find something lurking. If it looks like a Gila monster, it could be one.

So it is not a surprise that Tom’s best friend and mentor, Alex Guerrero, also a business partner, has been under investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

It appears Guerrero has pushed one too many pills down Tom’s throat. A self-styled “doctor” and medical expert on health and fitness, he has parlayed his insider knowledge into a career and business. You might even call him a hanger-on. Unfortunately, some government watchdogs believe he is about as genuine as the great Wizard of Oz.

Apparently Guerrero started out as Tom’s masseur—and quickly found himself elevated to a massage therapist and fitness expert. Being a pal to a Super Bowl winner can do that overnight.

We can only wonder if he recommended the plastic surgeon Tom consulted over the summer. As a judge of character, Tom changed his face from shopworn at 40 to a Botox mask of indeterminate age.

What is undeniable is that Tom has taken to a healthy regimen like Jack LaLanne (not on steroids). There are many so-called physical gurus out there—and most are infomercial kingpins. Few, however, have claimed to have found a cure for cancer, like this mentor.

Guerrero is Tom’s figurative godfather. Well, technically, he has been called the official and literal godfather to one of Tom’s sons. We aren’t sure who made the offer that could not be refused. Tom Brady always reserves the right of first refusal.