Down with Men

 DATELINE:  All Men are Dogs

ALF

Just today we heard that Senator Al Franken and Sylvester Stallone have joined the sexual assault parade. There isn’t a man to be trusted.

In regard to Man, that generic sexist pig, for years we used to say, “Don’t shoot all the dogs just because one has fleas.”

We now admit that we were wrong. It’s time to shoot all the dogs. They cannot be trusted around women. They cannot be trusted in any kind of polite society. Straight men are Deplorables. Even Trump is one of them.

They should be isolated like some virulent pestilence. Clearly it is time for Amazon society. We don’t mean the buying Internet giant. We mean a society of women without men.

Why, heavens to Betsy, gay men cannot even be trusted around other men. The last month or two has proven the point. Men are dogs. They should be kept in kennels, if not euthanized.

It’s the only way to keep women safe. Even if we put them in prisons, we know they’ll go to their own kind. They are like cannibals. They have voracious sexual appetites.

So sorry to say, women will be better off with women in all leadership positions. Women should have all control over everything related to men. Then, only women will assault other women.

The grand experiment of male domination has now proven to be a complete and utter failure.

Why hang on to the old way? Out with the ganders and in with the geese. Out with the buck and in with the doe.

Castrate the dogs and let the mangy Curs keep to themselves in dog pounds.

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Ten Little Celtics—and Then There Were None!

DATELINE:  A Disappearing Act

whats not to like?

Like the proverbial Ten Little Indians of Agatha Christie, the Boston Celtics seem to be in reduction mode. Another has bit the dust, leaving only the minor benchwarmers to step up, like the other Boston team, the Patriots.

One after another, their new Big Three has gone away. First, there was a gruesome injury to Gordon Hayward. Next, Al Horford suffered a concussion, and now a few games later, Kyrie Irving, the lynchpin of the renewed Celtics has gone out with a concussion. Return unknown.

This has happened with the background of an amazing winning streak, surely one of the great starts of any Celtics team (which is impressive). They have now won 11 straight games after two initial defeats.

Theirs is the best record in the NBA—and their players are disappearing faster than on a 2017 Patriots team. In that case, we can trace the bad luck of the New England team to the arrogant breaking of a mirror, deliberately, by superstar GOAT Tom Brady.

We aren’t sure who broke the mirror on the Celtics team. Even one of their vaunted rookies, Jayson Tatum, went out for a game with a mysterious ankle injury. However, Tatum remains the new Larry Bird, or are we cursing him too?

Superstars come out of nowhere and instantly stay bright for a career. Tatum has shown no rookie insecurity and plays like a veteran—thus, the Celtics have managed to survive their string of bad luck.

Throw in Jalen Brown, the other intriguing young star, and you have Destiny with a capital D running away from Fate with a capital F.

 

We watch in awe.

 

Time for Kelley Control in America?

DATELINE:  Call to Arms?

 Man with No Name or TB12?   Guns Don’t Kill People

After the latest mass murder by maniac Devin Patrick Kelley, it’s time to institute Kelly Control in America.

There are too many Kellys on the streets of the United States.

We need bump control on Kellys.  We don’t know how many Kellys there really are in Congress, but we know there are a few loose cannons.

Trump should insist that both his White House Kellys be registered. Trump states that there is a mental health problem in the United States–and Kelley represents a lone nutcase. At least one Kelly was known in Homeland Security for a time. Trump should file legislation or an executive order to keep unwanted Kellys from coming into this country from dangerous terrorist nations, like Ireland.

Having a Kelly in your White House is a constitutional right. However, a Kelly in the hands of children or a childish mind could be dangerous. Lock up your Kellys when not in use for hunting.

The White House has several Kellys on the grounds. The danger in America is the Kellys are now in the hands of unstable people, like Mr. Trump. In the hands of the president perhaps two Kellys can be monitored by other morons on the staff, or perhaps two Kellys should be part of the Secret Service detail.

We want to be the first to institute Kelly control in America. We feel the NRA will not oppose it.

Guns don’t kill people. Kellys kill people.

It’s time to ban Kelleys from the media. Any John or Conway can be a Kelly in the hands of the wrong people like Russian colluders.

Trump Tax Cuts: The New Math & the Unkindest Cut

DATELINE: Nose Growth on Trump

smarmy ryan Pinocchio Trump’s Jiminy Cricket

Republicans lawmakers like Paul Ryan have supercilious grins on their faces. It’s almost like the glee when they snickered at trying to supplant the Obamacare program.

The new math by Pinocchio Trump and his tax minions is rape in the traditional family government subsidy. Only the rich get richer in Trumpworld.

We also enjoyed hearing some nitwit ABC reporter state that $1162 tax cut for the average family is nearly $1200. This reporter obviously never rounded off dollars on her tax return.

We also listened with interest as the Republicans numbskulls reveled in the idea that $1200 was so much of a tax relief that it could be used to enhance your savings account, take a vacation, or pay off your mortgage. What kind of imbeciles do they take the voters to be?

Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical.

By the time the taxpayers realize what Trump is up to, they will be paying far more in more esoteric ways. Who needs deductions for state and local income tax?  Well, when the state and local areas raise your taxes, you will wonder where the money went.

As for those undocumented tax payers, you will lose deductions for your American citizen children. Not only that, but ICE will have your address and pick you up for deportation. No matter that you do some crap job for minimum wage that no self-respecting American would ever work.

As for Trump, let’s face it: he is not what he advertised himself to be.  By the time this tax reform is working us into debt, Mr. Trump will either be impeached, have resigned, or living in the penthouse of the new Moscow Trump Tower.

Will someone wipe that smile off the smarmy face of Paul Ryan?

Tom Brady Picking Up Pieces

DATELINE:  Busted Mirror Antics

 off off-season Read All About It! Most Off Off-Season Ever!

Not since Agatha Christie’s the Mirror Cracked from Side to Side, has there been as much ugliness in a looking glass. We would never accuse Tom Brady of being Snow White’s Nasty Queen, but if you ask Alice, Tom has fallen through the mirror to the other side.

Yep, Tom Brady is looking into that mirror every day now and asking: “Why am I only fair? I don’t want to be the fairest of them all. I want to be champeen of the world.”

Since Tom took a hammer to his vanity mirror just a few short months ago, he has been walking like a man without a care in the world. In some circles, it’s called whistling past the graveyard.

That’s despite the fact that he keeps getting hit in the head every week multiple times, thanks to his porous offensive line. Blame the shattered mirror of his own making.

The main victims of his smashed mirror are his supporting players, dropping like flies.

Yes, #12 has cursed his entire team, even though he seems to be Teflon Tom.

The latest victim of the busted mirror: Dont’a Hightower will be out the rest of the season after surgery on his pectoral muscle.  The man with an accent mark immersed in his first name is a staple of the defense. Replacing him will not be easy. Next man up will be a poor photocopy.

On top of that, Tom’s substitute Wes Welker/Julian Edelman/Danny Woodhead/type of player is the notable nutcase Danny Almondola Amendola. Now he too is hurting badly, barely able to practice. Ditto for Chris Hogan who has even lost a few teeth this past game with smash-mouth football.

How many more Patriots will bite the dust before Tom’s Magic mirror is glued back together?

We searched the Internet for a means to stop the curse. The news is not good:  you must  bury all the shards and pieces of the broken mirror in a midnight ceremony. Yikes.

Light some candles for Tom.

 

The way things are going, and the pace at which he is losing his best players, we feel the Patriots’ goose will be cooked by Xmas.

35% of Americans: What a Fox News Poll Never Told Us!

 DATELINE:  When 35% is a Majority 

According to Foxy News, 35% of viewers know their bastion of fair and balanced news is fake most of the time.

“Oh, let’s call a spade a spade,” is the motto of 35% of Foxy Americans when it comes down to racial epithets.

35% of Americans seem to think nuclear obliteration is a viable option.

35% of Americans agree that they learned nothing in school and don’t believe their teachers knew much anyhow.

35% of Americans think experts are overrated.

35% of Americans believe anything they read on the Internet.

35% of Americans think hurricanes are God’s punishment for opposing Donald Trump.

35% of Americans want to have another Civil War with East and West Coast against the Middle to have better balance.

35% of Americans think the US Constitution sank during the War of 1812—and it just doesn’t hold up in the 21st century court system.

35% of Americans think satire is evil.

35% of Americans believe Donald Trump is as sane as they are.

35% of Americans, more or less, believe rational behavior is not normal.

Around 35% of Americans believe “white supremacist” is a kind of Cool Whip topping.

35% of Americans think the word “immigration” means birds fly south for the winter because of global warming.

35% of Americans believe “lethal injection” is covered under pre-existing conditions in Obamacare.

35% of Americans think black flies matter during the summer when you go camping.

35% of Americans believe sexual harassment is as American as apple pie and baseball.

35% of Americans firmly believe “morons” should have unlimited access to the Oval Office.

35% of Americans believe the President has the right to shoot people in the street, regardless of national origin or race, but mostly because of national origin and race.

35% of Americans believe you can kneel during the National Anthem while in church.

35% of your fellow citizens believe shutting off TV news is the only way to deal with fake news.

35% of Americans think missppelling and ‘grammer misstakes are covered, under freedom of speech:

35% of Americans think polls are polarizing and should be banned from media reports.

The preceding blog is often called satire, but is usually misunderstood by readers who believe 35% of smartphones know too much.

A Froggy Night in Foxboro Town

DATELINE:  Foggy Bottoms Up

Michigan J. Frog foggy bottom

Cock-eyed optimists were dancing in the street over the return of the Super Bowl Patriots. Down-in-the-dumps pessimists were sent packing by the stalwart Patriot defense. Tom Brady emerged from the mist. If you can see through the fog, you may have X-ray vision.

The replay of the Super Bowl was exactly as billed. These were not the teams that had played just a few months ago. The Patriots were dominant, and the Falcons were pathetic. The Falcons clearly have post-traumatic stress from the Super Bowl.

If you thought you would be able to see the forest from the trees, you would’ve been blinded by what they call in London an old fashioned “pea-souper.”

Yes, the fog was on the pumpkin, not the frost. It came down from the heavens like something to cover up the antics of Jack the Ripper. Indeed, Belichick’s minions acted like razor-sharp purveyors of the slice-and-dice school of football. The Falcons looked like Tweety-Bird.

The fog was thicker than anything Heathcliff ever saw on the Moors.

How quickly professional sports shift. It’s like someone set off a seismic charge underneath the fan base. Resulting in a nebulous ceiling, a cloud of uncertainty not raised quite yet.

Have the Patriots been restored to their place of distinction? Or did we merely see another example of this team putting on the Ritz? Tell me in five weeks that the Pats are on top of the world.

Tune in next week when the announcers will not be surprised and misidentify natural phenomena as the smoke of fireworks that lingered for four quarters.

So much for expert analysis.

 

 

Song & Dance Men of New England Patriots

 DATELINE: Puttin’ on the Ritz

Michigan J. Frog

Call those fans in Boston media a bunch of cock-eyed optimists.

Yes, the folks who gave us the pre-season prediction of 19-0 and the best team ever assembled by Belichick are at it again.

We feel like jumping up, putting on a top hat and doing a high step to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” like the talented, stiff Frankenstein monster from Mel Brooks.

The experts are not putting on the Ritz. They are putting you on. You need a princess to kiss the Pat toads to give us a charming, winning team.

Brady/Belichick experts are telling you now that the Patriot defense has improved and is expected to be better with each passing game. Well, if the team passes, they will score more points than their opponent. That would give them a passing grade.

We are also being told that the Patriots will win their rematch against the Atlanta Falcons, despite the fact that every two-bit QB in the NFL looks like a Super Bowl victor against the Matt Patricia all-defense boneheads. It’s hard to teach defense to frogs on a lilly pad. The defense is a floating mat, as in Patricia’s Matt.

If you think the complacent Pats are more motivated than the humiliated Falcons, you know little about human psychology—or worse, subhuman psychology when it comes to primal revenge.

Despite having “Twinkle-Toes” Gronkowsky (as Belichick dubbed him this week) for his prance into the end zone on a touchdown catch, there is little in the world of Brady protection on that offensive line. They are putting us on.

We are reminded of the dancing toad from the classic Warner Brothers cartoon. He performed best when you least expected it. His name was Michigan J. Frog, but we will now call him “Gronk.”

Cue the high-step Super Bowl victors.

 

Is Cam Newton a Maroon?

DATELINE:  All Routes Lead to Idiocy

cam

In case you have forgotten, Cam Newton reminded you that it’s his picture you find next to the expression “Dumb Jock” in the Encyclopedia of Sports Idiocy.

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Bugs Bunny: “What a maroon!”

Yes, Cam did it again at a press conference. He told everyone how funny it was to hear a female sports reporter talk about routes. Cam’s favorite movie is Where the Boys Are—because he knows the route, having gone that route many times for a few bucks.

Women never talk to Cam about anything of substance. In fact, Cam is more at home with the boys and shop talk where the only playbook he reads is mostly x and o demonstrated.

He is just another pretty face in a bubble head to match his bubble butt.

Cam will never be caught with a pencil behind his ear like a nerd. We doubt that he knows how to hold a pencil or can work anything out on paper.

Yes, Cam is extremely beautiful to look at, but you probably can’t take him many places unless he is on a leash and you have your doggie bag with you.

If football ends tomorrow for the Giant Fig Newton, he can always use those amazing talents to star in gay porn where a giant brain is the least of your worries.

Don’t get us wrong: we find Cam easy on the eyes and we have enough brains for the two of us.

Patriots First Class Jet Set

DATELINE:  Off They Go into the Wild Blue Yonder

The New England Patriots may look like they are a tank job, but they are soon to be privately airborne.

Yes, the Trump jet has nothing on the AirKraft, owned by Patriot billionaire Robert Kraft who surely took his ideas from flying on Air Force One with President Trump.

The Patriots will take their first road trip in the newest former American Airlines superjet, now fitted to accommodate wide seat players with more leg room and wider seats than you have in normal first-class.

Never mind that the Pats are beginning to look like a bad coach’s idea of a team.

The new Pat jet has enough room for all players, coaches, and hangers-on. There is a lounge area, and even a bedroom for the president: we mean President Kraft as they wend their way to Tampa to play on Thursday.

The jet took out 250 seats and made more luxurious rows for the backfield.

Customized and rebuilt, the new Patriot transportation is better than their defensive unit, that will fly in the tail end, and soon on the wing, according to Bill Belichick, unless they improve.

take off

Tom Brady has a special spot to allow him the space for his retinue (that’s a posse for a near billionaire GOAT).

We await the news on which players will be allowed to sit next to Tom; it’s already a dogfight on the bench at Gillette.

No, we have not heard whether the media will be given accommodations in the cargo hold with the dirty uniforms.

Lord of the Flies: Donald Trump

 DATELINE:  Free Speech & Concussed Politicians

lord

North Korea has it wrong. Trump is not the Commander-in-Grief. He is the Lord of the Flies, the William Golding horror reborn.

NFL fans of the game may be coming to a rather harsh realization. Freedom of speech cuts. Two ways. They were counter-free speechified by the players on Sunday.

You may boo your least favorite players in the stadium and to their face as they score winning points to help your team. Then, cheers. What manner is this hypocrisy?

On the other hand,  players have a right to express their feelings as well. We think they ought to just thumb noses, instead of a respectful knee to the ground. Save that for the bully-pulpit fans.

You may not like seeing players kneel during Our National Anthem.  It’s almost like praying for a better country.  Fat chance for that under the Lord of the Flies.

Mr. Trump is completely convinced that he would rather be right than president.  Trump is no Henry Clay when it comes to cold feet. He has performed no presidential feat greater than dividing the nation into red and blue. He leaves the white for separatist flags.

Perhaps his wish will be granted. We either will have the end of the world in a nuclear holocaust against another race of the Yellow Peril, or we will have a race war in America. In either case, you have to admit Trump has divided America in ways we haven’t seen since the Civil War.

Russian interference of the election is secondary to Trump hijacking of the Constitution.

Of course, we have come to expect the worst of NFL fans. They laugh and demean the idea of concussions. Ask Will Smith.

They watch gladiator athletes concussed weekly for entertainment. If memory serves, during the campaign President Trump scoffed at the idea of concussions for NFL players as a sign of weakness. Talk about brain bankruptcy.

All this goes to show that what goes around comes around, like Aaron Hernandez and Confederate resurrection.  It’s all in a day’s work for the Lord of the Flies.

Penultimate Twin Peaks

DATELINE: Down to the Finish Line

peaked

We’re going round the bend, literally, and figuratively, on the new David Lynch marathon in surreality, Twin Peaks.

For sixteen hours we have seen Dead People, People from Another Dimension, Weirdos, and maddening loose ends as well as standard plot holes. That’s the bargain with Lynch.

The recent show has started to blow up loose ends and loose characters, thankfully not waiting until ten minutes before denouement to drive the entire cast off one of the twin peaks of the title. So, Kyle MacLachlan has snapped out of his doldrum-idiot Doppleganger Dougie, and evil D.B. Cooper has dispatched his illegitimate son with electrifying alacrity.

In the meantime, Lynch has discovered a new star, Eamon Farren. Let’s hope he fares better than Dana Ashbrook or James Marshall in the next 25 years.

What more can be expected? Oh, Cooper’s assistant, long lost Diane turns out to be some kind of spirit from beyond, her connection to Dougie’s wife, Naomi Watts, now ignored in a puff of smoke and gunfire.

We saw Don Murray, formerly the leading man for Marilyn Monroe in Bus Stop, looking spry as he pushes 90 and thanked by Cooper for lending his old Hollywood fame to the tale.

There was a shoot-out in one of those foreclosed Las Vegas communities that didn’t make much sense. But, we never expect much sense.

When Cooper regains his wits, he is able to say, “I am the FBI,” with all the swagger fans of the show wanted to hear. Perhaps Sheriff Michael Ontkean will make an appearance in the final show.

Whatever will the final two-hour monstrosity of this TV Guernica give us? We know that Sherilyn Fenn has a revelation while looking in the mirror.

Twenty-five years passing will do that.

 

 

 

Celtics Send Cousin IT Packing to LeBronWorld

DATELINE:  $$ Talks to Celtics

 Thomas & Tom In Happier Days

Wowie Zowie, the Celtics are not letting the Patriots run for another championship without a Boston competition. We may have to renew our season tickets to the Celtics this year.

It now appears that Isaiah Thomas, Cousin IT himself, who has worked assiduously to improve the team and lure free agents to Boston, now is being sent to the glue factory in Cleveland. He became a folkhero for playing a day after his sister died–and his just reward has come in payback form.

Yes, Cleveland’s the place where both Kyrie Irving and LeBron James want to escape from more than ever.  It is tantamount to Napoleon’s exile island.

Thomas reportedly has a bad hip. As any senior citizen can tell you, a bad hip is the first indication that a nursing home in Cleveland may be on your itinerary.

Kyrie Irving will come to Green-land where Brad Stevens is the coach of choice for superstars who want to be appreciated.

Together with Gordon Hayward, we may have quite new 2007 dream team when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett showed up and chewed up the league.

Now we understand why Danny Ainge held off on bringing Hayward to Boston for a dog and pony show. He had another big star in the wings to join in the fun. Whether another big star may be in the offing seems unlikely, but this is now the year of unexpected Trumps, and not always in bridge.

We still wonder where the big men are, as Danny keeps dispatching them to Westworld, or some other limbo.

If Kevin McHale is not coming out of retirement, perhaps we will yet see Kevin Durant in green. In the meantime, the Boston Celtics ask, “What have you done for us lately?”

 

 

 

Tom Brady’s Get-Rich Scheme

DATELINE: Co-starring Julian Edelman

 home Tom & Julie at home

The Boston Convention Center will be hosting an event on June 8 to guarantee Tom Brady will get richer quick. You will have your wallet deflated instantly.

Yes, the improbable Tony Robbins has roped in the Patriots star, and his sidekick, Julie Edelman, as guest speakers at his money-making extravaganza.

For $3000 you will receive priority check-in, which means Homeland Security will laugh at you. You will also have lunch in the Diamond Lounge, but Tom and Julie will be long-gone by then.

For $3000 you will sit in the Diamond Stage area and have a meet and greet with Tom and Julian. If you chose the $200 gold seats, you will be so far away from Tom that he couldn’t throw a pass to you with a bazooka.

This is billed as a “Systematized wealth plan.” Indeed, someone will be making big bucks off your ticket. And don’t ask for a refund. They claim you will love the event, but there are no money back guarantees. If Tom comes down with dyspepsia and misses out, so will your credit card.

How long will Tom speak? Our guess is about as long as the zeros in Tom’s bank account.

You will also receive Tony Robbins’ new book, which will be on the remainder table at Amazon in about a month.

We have learned that Julian has written a children’s book.  Beware, mom. It’s about a squirrel named Jules who collects big nuts. Most of them will be at this event.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greasing the Skids, or Billionaire Acres

DATELINE: Money Talks

Once again we have received anonymous emails disparaging us for not showing enough respect to billionaires. We have to genuflect apparently when the names of Bill Gates or the Koch Brothers are mentioned.

We have had our conservative Goldwater roots questioned for not appreciating the men who have a cadre of lawyers to prevent them from paying too much tax.

Among those we have bitten in our rattlesnake mode, we list many sports billionaires—the new playboys of the Western world. How could we not like Patriots owner Robert ‘Don’t call me Krafty’ Kraft. Here is a man who kisses his players upon greeting, yes, literally, and they must kiss his cheek. No, the other one.

We have too often mocked John Henry as King John Henry VIII with his penchant for playing the Red Queen and offing the heads of those who speak evil.  We have been banned from Red Sox sites across the globe, lest he learn the snake in the Fenway grass, is slithering around.

We have dunned Mark Cuban, an arrogant public figure who pretends he is just like you or me. He isn’t. On this you can trust us.

We have castigated the footmen and under-butlers of the wealthy, like Roger Goodell. It is not some green-eyed monster that motivates us, but simply we cannot deny ourselves a big target that uses its privilege to be a mob variation of an under-boss.

You’d think we supported Bernie Sanders who also has made a stump speech out of singling out the super-rich. No, we think more of Donald Trump who blatantly throws his money in your face in every speech.

Billionaires, you gotta love’em. We can’t avoid avoid them.