High Cost of Men Accosting Women

DATELINE:  Naked Oscar in Gilt

oscar

In Hollywood, it is growing abundantly obvious that the only men who haven’t groped women are gay. That lets out repulsive men like Harvey Weinstein. What women would have gone with him willingly? He’s a toad—and clearly heterosexual.

We hesitate to ask if gay Hollywood icons have groped other men. We’ll have to ask Tab next time we see him. So far, we haven’t heard any charges—but since Hollywood is a place where copycats rule, you can expect the gay rapists to be fingered before Xmas.

You may expect a new sense of revisionist history: condemnation of formerly critically successful movies will be on the agenda because the participants and producers were sexist swine. Cue the recall of Oscar—a naked man in gold gilt.

In the meantime, we are hearing that Oliver Stone, Ben Affleck (but not Matt Damon), and sundry other men have proven their heterosexuality by accosting actresses. It must be a rite of spring.

Men, not accused of molesting women, will now be outed as disinterested parties (clubs where men dance only with other men).

Of course, at the time, usually in the distant 1990s, actresses expected to remain silent in the face of these kind of onslaughts. So, it is only 20 years later that a spate of rape charges is coming forth. We aren’t sure whether the statute of limitations has passed on some of these cold cases. We also wonder if an accusation is deadlier than actually finding someone is guilty.

Women are now boycotting Twitter because it is part of the male-dominated system. Apparently, these same women have missed the boat that Twitter also has favored the Russians over Hilary Clinton.

Since women are nowadays the primary readers in our society, writers like Hemingway are likely to be dunned more than ever. Expect a cadre of writers to come charging out of the closet soon.

If we start making judgments based on the thrilling days of yesteryear, no one will be safe. Twenty or thirty years ago was a different world, even if it pretended to be the Golden Age of Enlightenment.

If women are prepared to press the issue of male malfeasance, you can bet your bottom dollar and top drawer that these guys will go into rehab, aka “therapy,” which is certainly a way out of the dark and deep woods of the groped past.

As for us, we have always viewed light in the loafers as a standard defense.

 

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Old Doc Brady’s Homeopathic Remedies

 DATELINE:  Bad Book Advice?

 tom in lost horizon Lost Horizon-bound: Dear Tom

Medical experts are lambasting GOAT Tom Brady, also known around here as Old Doc Brady, for dispensing false medical information in his new best-selling book.

As a result, Tom took to defending his half-baked ghost-written book at the post-game presser. He knows what he knows—and he tells what he believes. Usually on the offense, Tom took up a defensive position.

Brady recommends hydrating to prevent sunburn. Doctors are incensed, if not downright burnt to a crisp over this fallacious advice.

Dressed all in black, like an undertaker or hangman, at a recent press conference, Dr. Tom defended his cure-all advice. He came across like Johnny Cash bad-ass.

Most people fail to realize Tom’s new book is actually a satire. It’s like James Hilton’s Lost Horizon, the novel about a fantasy world called Shangri-La.

The lost Himalayan city called Shangri-La is a place where people stay young forever, owing to some secret rejuvenation in the water. Who knew Tom’s hidden paradise is just north of Foxborough in Brookline.

In his private Shangri-La, as far as we know, Tom could be getting Serum from goat gland injections like old Somerset Maugham used to do. What better way to stay young for an old GOAT than to have goat serum!

If you follow Tom’s highly expensive regimen, you would end up spending $500 for Botox in each area treated. You’d spend $300 for his specially tailored pajamas. And his food program cost another $300 to $400 per month. You can never be too rich or too thin.

This homeopathic doc is certainly not the grizzled, but lovable, sawbones from Stagecoach, the classic movie. Tom sees himself as young Dr. Kildare.

Those trying to stay young forever would have a better chance of finding eternal youth by going to the Himalayan mountains than to follow Tom Brady’s secret recipe.

Is Cam Newton a Maroon?

DATELINE:  All Routes Lead to Idiocy

cam

In case you have forgotten, Cam Newton reminded you that it’s his picture you find next to the expression “Dumb Jock” in the Encyclopedia of Sports Idiocy.

In the immortal words of the great American philosopher Bugs Bunny: “What a maroon!”

Yes, Cam did it again at a press conference. He told everyone how funny it was to hear a female sports reporter talk about routes. Cam’s favorite movie is Where the Boys Are—because he knows the route, having gone that route many times for a few bucks.

Women never talk to Cam about anything of substance. In fact, Cam is more at home with the boys and shop talk where the only playbook he reads is mostly x and o demonstrated.

He is just another pretty face in a bubble head to match his bubble butt.

Cam will never be caught with a pencil behind his ear like a nerd. We doubt that he knows how to hold a pencil or can work anything out on paper.

Yes, Cam is extremely beautiful to look at, but you probably can’t take him many places unless he is on a leash and you have your doggie bag with you.

If football ends tomorrow for the Giant Fig Newton, he can always use those amazing talents to star in gay porn where a giant brain is the least of your worries.

Don’t get us wrong: we find Cam easy on the eyes and we have enough brains for the two of us.

Patriots Go to Hurricane Ravaged Tampa

DATELINE: Ill Winds in Tampa

off off-season

Thursday night in Tampa, the Patriots will lick their wounds and try to make former thug Jameswhatsis Winston pay for his past sins as a serial woman abuser. We doubt the defense is up to the job as morality police.

In the meantime, the Pats may want to visit one of the local hoosegows. It seems Jonas Gray, their one-game phenom of 2014, spent some time there recently for failing to pay for his child support.

Gray, the standup comic who failed to make Bill Belichick laugh, had one great game—and was benched for arrogance before Belichick, in his infinite wisdom, cast him adrift.

Gray became invisible and fell into disrepute faster than you can spell Kolin Kaepernick korrectly.

In the meantime, the Pats took off from Rhode Island for the land where a hurricane named Irma (or was it Harvey?) tested Trump’s ability to help white people survive a disaster.

We learned through special snooping that Tom Brady had a reserved seat in the front row of the new private Patriot jet. It’s the row with the most legroom. Yes, the seats on JetKraft are numbered with the player number. #12 is actually #1.

We did our crack work, but not on crack, to learn that the man sitting next to Tom was fellow captain and sweetheart of a moral goodness, Matthew Slater. Matthew has not played much this season, owing to injury, but he is keeping Julian Edelman’s seat warm.

Owners and coaches are in what would be considered first-class, where Kraft also has a bedroom where he can sleep well after berating his friend,  President and Lord of the Flies, Donald Trump.

In the meantime, the Pats have escaped Dodge City in Foxboro where their team is under siege. It now seems the NFLPA has called the new fake sod at Gillette “borderline actionable.” Talk about fake news.

We wonder if new turf will await the Pats during the Thanksgiving game when they conduct their world tour of disaster areas: Mexico City, earthquake central, is their next hot spot on the road.

Stephon Gilmore, Scapegoat

DATELINE:  Hold the Stephone, Fans

Stephon

In New England, Tom Brady is the GOAT, and this week Stephon Gilmore is the goat. He only wishes he were the scapegoat, which implies a false guilt.

There is a big difference between champs and chumps—and that means you, Gilmore.

Brady brought the team back from a two-touchdown disadvantage to tie the game with minutes left. It looked like the scenario for another miraculous victory.

Then, Gilmore put his hands in the face of Panther, thus ending a stop that would have returned the ball to Tom for another score.

What will be will be. Let’s sing along with Doris Day.

Gilmore makes $65 million dollars to be caught doing bonehead plays. He later said it was failure to communicate that was to blame, as if his Cool Hand Luke play would play in New England.

Gilmore is no Paul Newman, though he has a choke-hold on failure to communicate.

The Patriots, who made 16 kneeling players put a hand to their heart and stand with a hand on the shoulder of the next fellow, lost again. It may be the loss of the Super Bowl flashed before our eyes.

Even the Jets won on his day—and perhaps winning the division is not a lock after all. Tom Brady has been knocked down more in four games this season than in the previous five years combined.

So far, he has not been concussed.

Maybe it’s time for Jimmy G to go out and take one for the team, giving Tom a rest until the rest of his goats can be herded into a semblance of a victorious unit.

Rocket scientist Matt Patricia has had another nuclear warhead blow up on the Launchpad.

Swami Bill Belichick looks like a man who actually has dyspepsia this season.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Gives NFL a Concussion

DATELINE: Trump Playing without a Helmet glad gladiators

Money talks and President Trump listens. No man is an island in the NFL, and woe to islands that are decimated by hurricanes.

Mr. Stump Trump, our Lord of the Flies, has encouraged his followers to seek financial remuneration through demands for refunds from NFL teams, and some former fans have even claimed to boycott the football games, driving ratings to alleged lows.

Whether this is true or has any lasting merit is not yet clear.

On the other hand, it is clear that Trump has cast the island of Puerto Rico adrift. We don’t know if any games have had protests on the island because we don’t think anyone is playing games while their lives are facing a lack of drinking water, no electrical power, and isolation from social media.

And you thought the NFL has a problem.

Half the teams in the NFL are losers again this week. It’s the nature of the beast. However, Trump will now take credit for having players stand in respect, hands over hearts, arms linked, hands on shoulders, as the “Star Spangled Banner” unfurls. We feel that the Nazi salute is not far from Trump demands.

Millions watch games. Trump attends a fancy golf tournament at a golf club that costs $500,000 to join.  There is plenty of disconnect here with players in the NFL who make no less than that per season, with many making millions. Fans pay plenty to go to games and express their free speech right to the minions of the sport who have no rights in Trump’s world.

Respect is a one-way street in Trump’s America.

Like the ancient Roman gladiators, who died entertaining their rapacious fans, the NFL players must stand and repeat, “We who are about to be concussed salute you,” to Trump as he sits like Nero in his golf suite.

Many will contribute much of their earnings to the DumpTrump movement that is burgeoning among American citizens with and without a brain concussion.

As a Trump donor in the previous election, we receive nearly daily requests to voice our support and loyalty to Donald Trump. The requests center upon a donation of $1 to prove our loyalty. No one has asked us to boycott games and boo NFL players—yet.

Nor have we been asked to donate to relief funds for Puerto Rico by the same committee supporting Trump. The money is for the president, not citizens without homes, water, or to end a life threatening struggle to survive.

It has made us a tad sick.

It’s all the problem of “fake news media,” though it is growing unclear who the real fake is.

 

 

 

 

 

Thane of Cawdor Trump! Out, Out, Damned Spot!

DATELINE: Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Julius Trump?

With local officials resigning from their jobs after posting their racist views on Twitter, we think President Trump is doing a helluva job influencing citizens.

In Brockton, Mass., a third-rate parks commissioner tweeted that the protesting black players of the NFL were monkeys.  He even told the newspapers and media that he was not a racist and that was not the intent of his comment. He regretted people took his words literally.

It just goes to show the people who make these comments have no idea they are racists. This is reminiscent of anyone who hates Obamacare because a black man’s name is on the health insurance. That means you, President Trump and arrogant members of Congress.

Thanks to the great example set by the Thane of Cawdor/Thane of Glamis, Our Trumpeting Lord of the Flies, Donald Trump is causing more racial divisions than Jefferson Davis.

When will the dimwits realize?  The protest is against police brutality toward black people. This is not a protest against America or against the flag.

Out, out, brief candle! The thane of Cawdor and Lord of the flies fails to see this. Like his role model Macbeth, Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more.

If Melania wants to get rid of any dark spots, she should start with the big ugly spot on the carpet of the oval office in the White House.

Out out, damned spot!  It’s a problem caused by the Lord of the Flies. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Citizens should expect life to creep in this petty pace from day to day, to the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.

Out, out, brief candle! Out, out, damned Trump!

While the nation awaits on the Trump White House for tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow, and a new election day.

Fenway Park Signage Up Ahead

DATELINE:  Trolls in the Park
imbeciles at work
Perhaps you belong to that quaint community that used to recall when signage at Fenway Park said things like: “No Smoking.” Or the ever useful “restroom” with the corresponding arrow.
Today if you go to Fenway Park, someone will unfurl a banner that reads: “Racism is as American as baseball.”
We would rush to advise the holders of the banner that they left out mom and apple pie.
Yes, indeed, baseball has a racist history. You probably can find racism and associated with any topic. Human nature being what it is.
The modern slogan is symptomatic of the new Puritans, following in the footsteps of their witch- hunting ancestors from Salem who always enjoyed finger-pointing on the way to kangaroo courts.
The new Puritans of today are likely wolves in sheepskin. They are college educated and know better than you whether you should wear a seat-belt or smoke a cigarette. And they are not shy to find any pulpit on which to share their slogan. In this case,  it happens to be Fenway Park on live television. Bingo, they have bingo.
When you are among the enlightened, you have carte blanche to do whatever you want whenever you want. Next you know, they may start crying fire in a crowded theater.
What the New Puritans are really against is being forgotten, or seen as unimportant, a mere cog in social media.  For them there is nothing worse than being a number in a computer program.
We don’t see much difference between those hapless fools who want to wave and cavort whenever television cameras turn on around them, and the new pure Puritan.
It’s a great American tradition to ask for liberty or death, or to live free or die.
We recall the days when a Fenway sign was something like, “Wade, we’re not wearing any underwear,” which always inspired Wade Boggs to get another hit.

Turf Time Beats Star Gate for Patriots

 DATELINE:  Belichick Mows Fake Grass

 


Lean and hungry Cassius speaks some rather profound lines in Julius Caesar: “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but ourselves.”

In a normal universe that might be true, but we are talking the world of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro where the Caesar of Sports, Bill Belichick, would beg to differ. Walt Whitman might like blades of grass, but we never guessed Belichick would agree with him.

As for fake Brady news, he would rather cut his teeth on broken mirror glass than play on fake turf.

After a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Chiefs, Tom Brady and company are fully embarrassed. But, don’t blame your stars, and they won’t blame themselves.

The fault, dear Brutus, and dear Belichick, is in the turf.

Yep, you guessed it:  The Patriots have ordered the old turf be torn up and replaced immediately. The old turf was installed in May at great expense. Some “players” called it too soft. Heavens, not soft! The Patriots are not looking for a Beauty Rest mattress.

Tom Brady may hawk the mattress in one of his hilarious commercials, but the Pats like it hard.

There is likely only two people who could exercise the power over the Kraft family to insist the turf ‘n surf dinner be taken off the clubhouse menu. They are the same tandem that can veto new artificial grass.

That is Coach Belichick the Great, and his acolyte Tom Brady the Ageless.

Yes, indeed, we may have voted to legalize grass in Massachusetts, but don’t let that have an impact on the Patriots. Off with the turf.

A new sod will replace the new old sod. Some old sod will do the work in time for the next home game. If they lose again, you may have to look skyward: the only blame left is in the stars.

No, not those stars.

Numbskull Island for King Kong

DATELINE:  Cast Offs

kong cast

We always grow wary when friends warn us off a movie. We were told it was terrible and to avoid it, but we are always ready for an adventure with Kong: Skull Island.

For the first forty minutes or so, we felt our friends betrayed us. The film was witty, funny, and satirized the 1970s with an icy edge, even showing us a Nixon bobblehead (yes, it is historically accurate). There are some delightful actors playing it for fun initially.

Rife with 70s music, scenes of Vietnam soldiers are sent on a special mission to a mysterious location by Pentagon shill John Goodman.

He hires guide Conrad (Tim Hiddleston) to lead them into the Heart of Darkness. Indeed, repartee between characters is outright delicious. You even have one-note Samuel L. Jackson as the vindictive colonel who has nothing much in his wallet or his head.

When Kong shows up to defend his indigenous natives and John C. Reilly, someone hired a second set of writers to send the film into comic book realm with copious plagiarizing.

You might generously call the fight between Kong and other monsters a tribute to the original film, but we call it blatant lack of originality. If you want to give the film the benefit of doubt, you will be sorry.

Someone decided that Vera Lynn’s marvelous song, “We’ll Meet Again,” used in Dr. Strangelove by Kubrick would be a great way to set up a sequel with a return to see Kong again.

No way.

Trump’s Modest Proposal

DATELINE:  Cooking Up a Storm

trump apron strings

For a summer treat hot off the griddle, you may want to partake of a menu that caught the eye of Newt and promises a cheery Sessions of law enforcement.

The repast of yore starts with a DACA salad, with only the most tender of sprouts, with lettuce picked by illegal migrants under the hot sun.

Don’t forget to use the TPS sauce on those Haitian wings for an unforgettable dinner that Friday used to enjoy with his master Crusoe. TPS sauce can be poured onto countries like El Salvador, Honduras, and any African nation of your choice.

Home, sweet Secure Homeland, will be securer once more if you have the bug zappers in place and dis-invite any rebel republican senators who tend to be like ants at a picnic. We think the best BBQs are held behind great border walls to keep out the riff-raff.

German sauerkraut mixed with KKK-kale provides a kick that only a neo-Nazi could endure. You may want to mix that salad up with some tough police elbow grease.

Make sure you have enough alt-right to offset the Antifa pesto.  Red beets should be ready once you light the torches.

Roasted deported citizens who have a litany of civil violations always goes well with a Chianti and fava beans for those who like to watch the lamb go to slaughter. Civil rights and civilian clothes are optional.

Remember that this recipe at Kent State College once made America great. Nowadays you may want to have some congressional bicarb to hold down the dyspepsia and general sense of existential nausea after watching Master Chef Trump dump another hog into the pit.

Bone-head appetit, all you strict constructionists. The cookbook was made to be followed.

With apologies to Jonathan Swift.

Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

The Stunt Man: Rush Job

DATELINE:  Mad Director Meets Madder Stunt Man

otoole

If you ever wondered what it might’ve been like to walk onto the set of legendary superstar Peter O’Toole during filming, your chance came in 1980 with the movie The Stunt Man, directed by Richard Rush.

The title is two words because Burt Reynolds sued director Rush over the title, wanting it for his movie tribute to stuntmen. They split the difference.

It’s a comedy action thriller drama Hollywood insider movie about the making of an out-of-control World War I epic anti-war movie with more explosions and killings than supports its so-called plot of the movie-within-a-movie.

It also costars Steve Railsback, in a rare heroic role as a Vietnam vet with post-traumatic stress syndrome. Fleeing from police, he wanders onto the set of O’Toole’s Eli Cross production and is immediately sucked into the ruse of taking up the role of a stunt man who was killed accidentally that day.

O’Toole knows he has a fugitive on his hands, but needs to prevent an investigation into his botched movie stunt.

Railsback was fresh off playing Charles Manson in Helter-Skelter for a movie mini-series. Peter O’Toole based his wacky director on his work with David Lean during the making of Lawrence of Arabia.

Flying around the set on a crane, O’Toole’s ego-maniacal director will risk anything to get his movie on film, including the accidental death of crew-members. Yes, this is a comedy, but not quite like you expect.

This movie probably would never be made today, even with rogue directors and winking cable studios financing the project.  Then, again, we admit that Twin Peaks was given a green-light.

When Railsback asks O’Toole why he is protecting the fugitive, O’Toole answers: “Because I’m in love with your dark side.” It makes perfect sense.

Railsback was never so handsome, and O’Toole was never quite so cuckoo.  It makes for a delicious movie, though it is about a half-hour too long.

In its earlier incarnation, it was given little publicity in its release. O’Toole commented the film was not released, “It escaped.”

 

Lucy Meets Bill Holden in TV Classic

DATELINE:  Down Memory Lane

holden William Holden

When a friend bet me that the funniest TV show ever was on Amazon Prime, we could not resist to ask what it might be: she told us it was the old Lucy show with William Holden as guest.

Of course, we remembered it instantly, so indelible was its memory. It had to be fifty years since last we saw it on some endless loop of reruns that the show enjoyed for decades.

And, there it was listed as a 1954 episode on the third season of I Love Lucy. Free on Amazon Prime.

For those youngsters who have missed the wacky moment of one of the biggest stars of the 1950s showing up on a half-hour sit-com, it was something special back then. Holden was big.

William Holden had worked with Lucille Ball several times over the years earlier in their careers—and were good friends off-screen too.

So, his appearance was anticipated as much as John Wayne or Richard Widmark, who also did guest appearances that season—but Bill Holden’s was distinctive and truly the epitome of the crazy red-head’s “Hollywood adventures” when she went with her husband Ricky Ricardo for three months that year into celebrity heaven.

Her encounter with Holden at the Brown Derby restaurant turned into a spaghetti fiasco, with Holden winning a staring contest with the adoring fan. Upon embarrassment, Lucy beat a hasty retreat out of the restaurant, but knocked a waiter with a tray of cream pastry into William Holden.

Later, Lucy’s husband (Desi Arnaz) brings home a surprise guest—none other than Holden. Lucy must don a disguise to avoid recognition. Her putty nose astounds as it twists one way and then another, ultimately aflame up when Holden tries to light her cigarette.

holden & lucy

Yes, we counted about a dozen goodly guffaws, even years after knowing what was about to happen.

We can envy anyone who is about to see this little laugh-fest for the first time. Other episodes have been celebrated, but this Lucy episode was the one we truly loved.

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.