Humor from Heaven: Brady’s New Book

DATELINE:  Up Close to Botox

botox forever

Just when you think there’s nothing funny to say about the New England Patriots with the new season beginning, like manna from heaven, Tom Brady gives us his new book.

Filled with bon mots but no bonbons, the book drops like the gentle rain from heaven. It’s nearly 300 Nietzchean pages long with lots of pictures. This is enough to sustain a good satirist for a year.

For those who thought Tom Brady was illiterate, how wrong you are. He admits to being a good solid B student in school. However, he had no interest in academics. His major in college was General Studies, who he thought was a Confederate Civil War hero.

How is this different from any other student?

Tom admits he never had time to read while he was in school because he had another passion: sports. Now that he’s a professional athlete he still has no time to read books, but he has time to hire somebody to write one. Hence, this book.

We do learn that there are athletes in the locker room who know how to read. Tom tells us that one of his teammates told him that ‘success’ comes before ‘work’ only in the dictionary. We looked it up. It’s true.

We also learn how Tom’s Godfather is the inimitable Willie McGinnest, no Al Pacino for sure. Tom doesn’t say Willie put any horse heads in anyone’s bed, but the Godfather did give Tom an introduction to his trainer. So, now we know where to place the blame.

This is only the beginning. As soon as the book is available on our Kindle reader we will be ordering a copy. It’s worth it’s weight in gold dust.

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Game One Shenanigans for the NE Patriots

DATELINE:  Game One On

 dylan wagner Dylan Wagner: Our Patriot Pin-Up Boy 

We hear that the Pats are now more hated than the Yankees.

The first game of the season has more back stories that Peyton’s Place or Empire: foremost among these are the fact that Roger Goodell has been hiding in Boston in plain sight all week.

You have only to follow the money. Yup, the Commissioner of the NFL has been buying love by giving away cash and checks to various Boston charities, likely on the advice of Robert Kraft.

It’s hard for parsimonious New Englanders to say no to NFL money. Nevertheless, Kraft will not entertain Goodell in his owner’s suite during the game. Kraft knows better than to look into the heart of an artichoke or a buzz saw.

On top of that, more deserving guests include Dylann Wagner, the boyish charming kid from Seattle who outdid the FBI by locating Tom Brady’s lost blouse after the Super Bowl. Invited by Kraft, the young man will sit in Row 1, Seat 12, and likely share the charm of the older boy named Brady.

Oh, yes, there is some kind of first game where the Patriots will reveal yet another ho-hum championship banner. Aren’t we a bit tired of this when people are swamped by hurricanes across the hemisphere?  Vince Wilfork was to have a retirement party, but decided to stay in Houston where he played the past two years to help the downtrodden.

We expect raucous towel waving at Goodell, as a local radio station has supplied a clown faced Roger plastered onto the towel (rumors persist that it sends Goodell into a rage). He will likely laugh off 20,000 scoffing fans.

The Patriots are playing Kansas on the anniversary of the only major injury to Tom Brady. Yes, nine years ago some lout dared to fall on Tom and tear up his ACL, putting him out of commission for a season. We are agog at what his figures might be had he another year of stats to lower on the record books.

More to come, likely some amusing takes on the proceedings, as we never report scores.

 

Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

Tom Brady in Absentia

 DATELINE:  No Clothes Unmake the Man

LA ESPY NEP

 

Who could blame Tom Brady not showing up at an extravaganza run by Peyton Manning?

The ESPY awards show on ABC gave out commendations for all of the sports media events of the past year. Of course, the Patriots Super Bowl game was the greatest game of the season. It’s not surprising that the Patriots won, but it is surprising at who showed up to get the award as the stand-in, likely hand-picked emissary.

Now we know that Tom Brady and ESPN are inextricably linked through Deflategate. It was they who broke the story, and some think it was they who made it up as they went along.

And so, though it may look generous, Tom allowed of the Patriot players to show up in fancy and colorful tuxedos. Not a Kraft was there to hog the spotlight.

Of course, the other big Patriot name name was not there: Gronk.

That’s to be expected.

After all, he did not even play in the big game. So, who took the honors? Oh, those Bobsey Twins of the Patriots, Julian Edelman and Danny Amendola.

Edelman will clearly step in as Tom Brady’s Deflategate surrogate whenever opportunity avails itself.

Whether Julie is self-anointed or chosen as the man most likely Tom’s shadow by the others on stage, he stepped into the ESPY breach. His consort-in-arms, Danny, is just as home on the catwalk too, but he knows how to pull back from the limelight.

Julian recently bared all for the bright light of fame in the nude issue of ESPN’s annual beefcake light adult magazine.

Edelman has never shied from any limelight. Last night in LA, he kept his clothes on.

 

 

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Don’t Say It in Indy; Colts Turn into Chickens

DATELINE: HUMOR LAYS AN EGG

Featured imageShhh, don’t say it!

Word is out that the dirty word is “Patriots.”

The ever puerile Colts have made saying the forbidden word of the day something akin to a Groucho Marx game show. Coach Chuck Pagano refuses to acknowledge this team silent treatment—though he barely whispers the name of the team that could soon cost him his job.

Players for the Indianapolis team that has been whipped like heavy cream by the Patriots for years is now spreading a whisper campaign. You’d think the Colts planned to play Sunday’s game in the reading room of the Indianapolis Public Library. “Patriots” is now the word that dare not speak its name.

They are refusing to say the name of their next football opponent. It’s like bad Luck. And, when their quarterback is unable to play, that will be worse Luck.

The lucky strike that Colt team members are hoping and praying for is that someone will strike the word Patriots from the Midwestern lexicon. Barring that, they hope their legislature will ban the Patriots as if they stood for gay marriage.

The Patriots have put a spell on the Colts, and now the Colts have stuck pins in their Patriots dolly and are calling on voodoo masters from across the continent and Caribbean to help them stabilize their shaky franchise.

This is what becomes of a team that blows a whistle and cries “Deflategate.”  Now the chickens have come home to roost. And chickens may be a word that better describes the Colts. The Pats plan to make Chicken Fricassee of the horse meat Colts.

We almost can hear Sen. Bernie Sanders crying out loud, “we’ve had enough of your damn Deflategate,” and putting the imprimatur on a Patriots victory. If it can work for Hillary Clinton and her damn emails, it can win a minor skirmish Sunday against a team in the sunset of the season during Week 6.

Revolt in the NFL Palace?

DATELINE: Humor Deadly

Featured image Plots and Plotters

When dictators are assassinated, the dirty work emanates from their own palace guard. Rumors and rumors of coup d’etat seem to whirl around the Park Avenue headquarters of the NFL during the early start of the season.

Roger Goodell wisely chose to avoid going to the opening game with the New England Patriots in enemy country, Foxboro, a name that seems destined to live in infamy.

Word is now filtering out that the New York headquarters of the NFL may be harboring some palace intrigue. A group may be ready to mount an overthrow of the dictator named Roger Goodell.

We have only to look to history to find that, after years of bad decisions and mistreatment, those of high role in palace affairs begin to hatch their little plots.

Adolph Hitler found his aides putting a bomb under his table. It failed to kill Der Fuherer, but it set him back some.

In the more distant past, another parallel character to Goodell was called Caligula. His own hired bodyguards did him in as he walked in a “safe tunnel” to one of the weekly games.

Another Roman despot named Commodus was done in by one of his former gladiators who choked him to death during rough sex. Goodell should be so lucky.

Rasputin was lured to a party where he was shot, stabbed, poisoned, castrated, and dumped in the local river. Nothing is too good for Goodell according to NFL insiders.

We can only say to Goodell, “Beware the Ides of March,” especially in months ending in ‘r’.

Party Ties Between Deflategate Principals

DATELINE: Appearances

Featured imageMore Twilight Zone Moments

Well, if it doesn’t become more like Alice in Wonderland every day.

Now we learn that over Labor Day, Robert Kraft—a party animal if we ever saw one—was down in the Hamptons for a little soiree with a few hundred famous people. He rubbed elbows with Katie Couric, Dan Abrams, Oprah Winfrey—and, gulp, Judge Richard Berman.

Yes, that’s the man who a few days earlier decided the Deflategate case in favor of Tom Brady and the NFLPA.

We aren’t one to say that one should avoid even the appearance of impropriety, collusion, conspiracy, or trouble, but the Patriots seem hellbent on making matters worse at every turn.

The Patriots organization and PR machine noted that it was true that Kraft and Judge Berman exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes.

We’ve been at those parties and a few whispered words can carry powerful messages in a public place. Heavens, how stupid can Berman or Kraft be?  Did they think the New York Daily News or Post would ignore this little handshaking.

In a world where mountains grow from molehills overnight, this smacked of smell-o-vision.

No photographs have emerged yet, only a dozen witness accounts.

As a supporter of Brady and the Patriots, this only leaves us slightly queasy, forced into an enclave and defensive mode once again.

It could be worse. We could find Tom’s plastic surgeon handing out business cards and Giselle planting a kiss on Judge Berman at the same party. Nothing would surprise us nowadays when Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton—and Tom Brady keeps one of Donald Trump’s red “Make America Great Again” caps in his Gillette Stadium locker.

Starting Another Seasonal Drive to the Super Bowl?

DATELINE: Another Patriots Season Commences

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We could start another season by putting the polysyllabic Deflategate behind us.

The players certainly refuse to put a name to the ugly scandal that beset the off-season, and Coach Belichick won’t dare to speak its name. Oscar Wilde would be proud of the sentiment, but he wound up in gaol when he did more than speak it.

Tom Brady’s father has called NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell “a flaming liar” this week, though Goodell seems to have been telling lies in America for quite some time.

Brady himself gave a contrite interview in which he said he held no grudge against Goodell, though he had many emotions he was not going to speak.

He wants to win another Super Bowl—and doing so might stick a finger in the eye of everyone who has ranted and chanted the words, “Cheater,” aimed at youthful Mr. Brady.

And, youth  seems a tad misplaced on a man reaching twenty years in his game. Even Goodell played that game by calling Brady a “fine young man” during the recent contretemps.

Ah, youth!  Tom must have spent some of the offseason preparing for his fortieth birthday by having some “work” done. Gone are those wrinkles around his eyes. He has lost enough weight to make the smoothed out cheeks and brow look not quite natural.

Who could blame him for wanting to stay young? His wife, the supermodel, may have recommended some work be done to cut off the advance of years before too much damage was noted. But, now Tom looks like some of those aging movie stars whose tight as a drum face looks unnatural.

He doesn’t quite look like Tom Brady nowadays. Perhaps nine months of Deflategate will do that to your body.

In the meantime, if Brady wants to win another Super Bowl, he must trust in his coach Belichick who is weaving a new team together like an alchemist right before midnight.

We may follow another season, but we reserve the right to bail out if the roof caves in on the road to vindication.

Trump Endorses Tom Brady

DATELINE: Powerful Friends

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The Donald weighed in again on Tom Brady whom he labeled a “great friend of mine.”  He even showed his cell phone with a message that Tom had sent Trump his new number.

Taking Brady’s side is a non-brainer. Trump noted that spending over $10 milion in legal fees was a crazy notion. There is no reason to torment a “a great star. They ought to go back to playing football. This country has bigger problems.”

In Donald Trump’s opinion, the NFL has wronged a great player through the ridiculous parody of justice called Deflategate.  He believes Tom should never have been suspended, and he is equally convinced that Tom will win his lawsuit.

We doubt that this makes a dent in the cement head logic of Roger Goodell who thinks he is the czar of football with unlimited powers of punishment.

When it comes to fantasy football, Tom is Trump’s main guy.

We have speculated that Tom likely has a post in a cabinet of President Trump—or perhaps Trump will make him overseer of national sports.

In the world of politics, Trump’s endorsement of Tom will likely mean somewhere down the line, Tom Brady will have to return the favor—and give his endorsement of Trump’s candidacy.

This is not a problem as Brady is a well-known Republican libertarian, a believer in cell phone privacy, and a man on the right side of issues.

Going for It on Fourth Down: Brady Won’t Take A Knee

DATELINE:  Whatever Happened to Baby Goodell?

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Mark your calendars, news junkies. The next clash of the Titans is scheduled for August 31 at 10am in Manhattan

You may wonder who will take Manhattan, or whether the wampum is worth the worry. The judge, apparently not totally out of patience, has ordered the two principal drama queens to bring their act to his court for another performance.

Not since Becket and Henry II went at it have we felt such tension. It’s like Laurence Olivier and Anthony Quinn deciding to switch roles night after night when they performed the historical drama back in the 1950s when they did Becket on Broadway. It made Burton and O’Toole’s movie seem like pabulum

Brady and Goodell are playing switchies. One day Goodell is the bad guy, and the next day Brady takes on the role

For sheer theatrical fireworks, you have to go back to All About Eve and Bette Davis playing Margo Channing. As bad as Margo might seem, there was little Eve, little Miss Evil, who was waiting in the wings for her big moment, hoping the star would break a leg, or at least tear an MCL

Alas, it is another Bette Davis film that most scares us as a parallel to the Goodell/Brady story. Yes, we mean Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Baby Jane Goodell is an aging faux athlete insanely jealous of his glamorous counterpart, Blanche Brady. So, they begin to torment each other with sadistic dirty tricks.

Judge Berman Deflates NFL Attorney

 DATELINE: What is Fair?

Featured image Man of the Hour

At the second hearing Judge Richard Berman dropped bomb after bomb on the heads of the NFL. The palace guard of Roger Goodell seemed shell-shocked and unable to respond.

The favorite response of Mr. Goodell’s lawyer was to defer to the Commissioner’s good judgment. However, that Goodell wisdom seemed a tad on the cockamamie side.

Wow, with an attorney like that, Mr. Goodell ought to book passage to the next gulag for his vacation spot.

Like many in Boston, Judge Berman was curious as to how the NFL equated deflating balls to using steroids and performance enhancing drugs. The answers seemed not to satisfy His Honor.

He also wanted to know what portion of the four game suspension was for obstruction and what part for deflation. The NFL attorney could not say. It was Commissioner Goodell’s discretion.

The Judge also pointed out he could vacate this suspension if he thought the NFL withheld the union’s right to question a witness (meaning NFL editor of the Wells Report—Jeff Pash). There was no genuine response, calling Pash “irrelevant” to which the Judge noted: “There are some basic procedures of fairness that have to be followed…. You got to let someone make their case.”

Berman noted, “I believe some arbitration awards have been vacated” because a witness was not allowed to be called without explanation.

Most intriguing, Judge Berman mused, “I don’t see how four games (for deflation, non cooperation) is comparable to using steroids and a masking agent.”

He also wondered, “The next time someone tampers with a ball but cooperates, what suspension would he get?”

On and on it went with the Judge sending a no-nonsense message to Goodell.

If Goodell’s attorney did not run back to tell Roger that he is in big trouble, then the notion that Goodell wants “yes men” all around him cannot be disputed.

Free Tom Brady

DATELINE: HUMOR!

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With the Deflate-gate crisis coming to a screeching anti-climax for the umpteenth time, the fans in Boston have discovered there is little opportunity to express their feelings at Fenway Park.

Yes, those Red Sox are point killers this season. Fans are still in a good humor at Fenway Park. It is summer and a lovely setting, but the Red Sox are putrid. Once in a while, they surprise the fans, but usually the price of those status seeker seats far outweighs the era of good feelings.

So, this week, with days pending before Judge Richard M. Berman drops the hammer on someone’s head, the Sox faithful have decided to lighten the mood at Fenway with some old-fashioned protesting.

Not since the Vietnam War have we seen such passion among protestors.

Red Sox fans donned their New England Patriot jerseys and began to shout out, “Free Tom Brady.”

Well, it’s about time that football fans start to take over the airwaves and the sports arenas. The Pats are playing their pre-season and the Red Sox are playing out the string.

It’s time to switch those sox to Patsy stockings.

Tom Brady is on the line, and though the fans at Fenway would love to see David Ortiz hit #500 home run this season, the real energy is now focused on another Boston legend: the guy being railroaded by his own league,

So, the chanting grows. Hell, no, Brady shouldn’t go.

“Free Tom Brady,” is even on the T-shirt Governor Charlie Baker wears. You can’t go wrong in Boston by showing your fandom to any and all of the sports heroes.

Indeed, with days to go, we want to see Tom Brady free at last.

The Deflate-gate Circus Comes to Manhattan

DATELINE: UNHAPPY COUPLE       Featured image

A horde of media dogs waited like dogs, restless and barking, outside the federal courthouse in Manhattan. They seemed to be waiting for the master’s voice.

First to arrive in his SUV limo was Roger Goodell, surrounded by lawyers, bodyguards, or former NFL linemen. It was hard to tell which were which.

Goodell, of course, orchestrated himself to be the last one out of the limo. He looked, we took some pleasure in noting, gaunt.

His greeting from the crowd may not have helped. He was given a chorus of boohs. This was followed by a ripe yell of, “You suck,” and, “Liar!”

Grim, Goodell hurried to the entrance.

About fifteen minutes later, a similar vehicle arrived. And, again, on cue, a bunch of lawyers or hangers-on opened the doors to step out. At least one little guy was Donald Yee, Brady’s agent.

Brady himself came out with a quick step, to cheers, and the “Give’em hell, Tom.”

Looking like a dapper movie star at his latest premier, his designer shades were off-set by his tailored blue suit.

Unlike Goodell, Brady gave off an aw-shucks smile to the throng of supporters, but he did not dally.

All this belied the fact that reports circulated in the morning that nothing had come of “settlement talks,” to no one’s surprise. Brady is not inclined to give Goodell a pound of flesh from the part of the body of his choice.

If this opening gambit were to be staged by your favorite film director, it would be more like the 30 seconds of a commercial for Uggs, rather than high drama.

That may yet come.

NFLPA Opens a Can of Worms

 DATELINE: Transparency

 

Featured image  Ted Wells Explains Deflation to Tom Brady

 

In an effort at transparency, the NFL Players Union released everything. We mean the 172 page transcript of the 10 hour hearing as well as pages and pages of telephone records.

If you want to bury the NFL in its own stink, you drop them into the septic tank.

Since Judge Richard Berman likes transparency, we wonder what on earth Roger Goodell can release to add to the completeness of Brady’s openness.

Clearly Tom Brady feels like there is nothing to hide. He may have dropped his fig leaf, but Roger Goodell now stands as the Emperor with No Clothes.

With 236 exhibits added to their report to the judge, they contend that the four-game suspension needs to be vacated.

It is hard to argue with a man who shows he holds the Royal Straight Flush and that Goodell is bluffing with a pair of deuces—actually the two men on his staff who used to work for the New York Jets.

Goodell now faces trying to show that he was not arbitrary, capricious, or working outside the agreement between the players and the NFL.

It may be hard to make a coherent argument for a series of wildly inconsistent punishments, largely overturned for the past few years owing to their capricious, arbitrary, and extra-agreement judgments.

The massive outpouring of details usually awaits a time when all the principals are dead or historians come to the archives to read this stuff. Now in two weeks, the media’s idiocy will come to the forefront as it finds its members unable to read that much material too quickly.

Jeffrey Kessler knows his client is innocent and has been vilified unfairly. Now the world that is interested in justice can see for itself.