Tom the Biscuit Eater, Thanks to Grandmama

DATELINE:  Doughboy

Brady the Biscuit Eater

Count’em

GOAT QB Tom Brady has a revolt on his flour-encrusted throwing hand.

Having bragged about his grandmother’s secret recipe for biscuits on the Internet, he has unleashed a problem as big as Russian election interference for Trump.

Tom posted a photo of him making dozens of these tasty morsels. Apparently, he promised Gronk that he would bring some into the office next day. However, Tom reportedly told Gronk they were so good that they were all eaten.

This did not sit well with the giant tight end who demanded that Tom make another batch and bring them in to his favored receiver.

If not, Gronk promised “serious trouble.”

This international incident may require the intercession of Giselle or some other neutral party.

Tom can’t catch a break, nor a biscuit.

We know that close associates of Brady over the years, like Troy Brown, and lately Julian Edelman, have also been denied the treat of catching a biscuit from Tom’s larder.

Gronk has come a long way from the tongue-tied rookie who was dumbfounded when Tom would speak to him. He is now demanding his share of the Brady secret recipe—and he is not willing to settle for avocado ice cream or any other item from the TB12 cookbook.

Baseball may have the hot-stove dealings of winter, but for the man who always comes to the Brady household dressed as Santa Claus, the price may be more than one biscuit.

Tom may have to trade off with Gronk, giving him three TDs instead of slaving over a hot stove this weekend making a fresh batch of doughboy biscuits.

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Tom Brady Cookbook

DATELINE: Strictly from Hunger Games

Pablo Sandovar Enjoys Avocado Ice Cream!

If you are a fan of Tom Brady and into nutrition, you are about to lose $200 worth of ugly wallet fat. Yes, Tom’s new book on how to eat healthy will strip you of more than a few inflated calories.

Already, starving minions have forked over big bucks to have and to hold the food pyramid’s antidote.

Tom Brady eats no fat and his wife eats no lean. This means they don’t eat like normal folks. As the Duchess of Windsor once told us, “You can never be too thin or too rich.”

Tom and his wife live the mantra.

In this cookbook you won’t find dairy products, fruit, bread, or other costly items. Tom won’t eat these—and if you spend $200 on his book, you won’t be able to afford decent food for a month. So, you won’t be eating any of his forbidden fruits.

The book reportedly has a secret recipe for avocado ice cream, which happens to lift Tom’s spirits. He even stuffs under-inflated footballs with the stuff.

It, alas, is not a food stuff. Tom’s favorite delicious ice cream is not made with cream, flavoring of any fruit, or real ice. We think it is comprised of either plastic or splinters of cardboard.

We just hope he can serve some of this delectable to Roger Goodell when he is forced to eat crow by the US Supreme Court.

Julia Child has not endorsed this cookbook, and we suspect she might say, “Mal Appetit!”