Oak Island More Interesting Than Ever

Bootie of Columbus?

 DATELINE:  1492 Across the Ocean Blue

 As we dig deeper into the eighth season, the missing members of the show have returned: Alex Lagina and his cousin Peter are back searching through spoils piles.

No word on why they were absent for two weeks. But immediately Alex finds a piece of leather in the shape of a boot heel. Prominent suddenly is the newest member of searching, Michael John, a black man, as the show finally accedes to some racial balance after being all-white for eight years.

The last veteran is also present, Dan Henskee. And, a sop if thrown to the late Dan Blankenship who taught the searchers that you can dunk a piece of wood in a tub of water. If it sinks, it is exceedingly old. If it floats, it’s newer. We surely miss Dan.

Gary Drayton is also again the man of great knowledge and discovery. He gives a yo-ho when he finds a thick piece of glass and tells it is a rum bottle from the late 1600s. He is seldom wrong.

Drs. Spooner and Brousseau are again called in to give opinions—and the dating of items, nails, spikes, odd latches, seem to grew more distant in the past. It seems major work by large work crews occurred hundreds of years previously—and largely done in secret.

We are talking about depositers of treasure, not seekers.

There is almost immediate testing and evaluation of the heel leather. It belonged to a richly booted person, likely not a worker. And, shockingly, it could be from the 1492 era.

One of them jokes they found a boot that Columbus wore.

UnXplained Tackles Endangered Monuments

 DATELINE:  America’s Monuments Features Trump

By sheer coincidence, after an attack on the great monument of the Washington, now under National Guard protection and fencing, UnXplained  has an interesting take on the locations. Included in this potpourri is, naturally, the U.S. Capitol Building.

The Capitol was designed to be the Temple of Democracy and has 600 rooms, far more than a mob can circumnavigate without help. It is a special place with a space alien goddess, an Iriquois, on top of the dome. She may not be related to the Qanon Shaman who attacked the Capitol, claiming too to be a space alien ET.

Shatner laconically tells us of the crypt in the basement and the ascendant painting on Washington on the inner dome. It becomes all the more appalling to think Trump rioters crashed and vandalized this magnificent structure.

The show also deals with the Washington Monument, recently renovated against terrorists!  The show is downright sentient.

Another sequence deals with Mt. Rushmore and its white supremacist connections, built on sacred Native land. But the true piece de resistance belong to treasonous Trump himself who shows up in a sequence to discuss the Empire State Building.

You got it: the guy who turned in his New York citizenship to move to Florida and has denigrated American monuments (except Rushmore where he thinks he ought to be) is cited as an expert. Yikes.

The episode ends with the near catastrophic Golden Gate overload of 1987.

If irony and shock is your thing, this episode of UnXplained is both shocking and ironic.

 

Second Monolith Bites Dust

Criminal Intent

DATELINE:  Monkeys Win.

After a heist of art critics of the Utah monolith, there has now been a second brazen attack in Romania. The bad copy of the first monolith has now disappeared into the night.

Apparent vandals who moonlight as art critics came to the national park with a wheelbarrow and a brazen attitude, telling people to take their pictures now because the monolith would soon be gone.

Reports are now circulating that these were Trump supporters who believe they can make a monolith disappear at will—and they plan to make the recent U.S. presidential election disappear too.

The culprits include a man who has boasted of his crime against crime, setting himself up as a vigilante to remove “trash” from pristine desert areas. It turns out this cretin was banned from the national parks for his own abusive behavior.

Self-styled art critics, trash collectors, and Trump conspiracy theorists, now have combined to steal whatever is not nailed down. Ballots are next.

Whether the same crew flew into Transylvania, or whether it was a local group of crypto-Nazis we have not yet determined.

 

In any respect, the people above the law are now making the law the rest of society. So it usually is before a Hitler take-over.

 

From dust to dust, so goes the short lifecycle of a monolith.

 

 

 

 

 

FORBIDDEN BRITISH ISLAND

Guernsey Island

DATELINE: Nazi Prize

 Observation Towers

A surprisingly good documentary series continues to tag each episode with some kind of sensational title. The latest entry in the Secret Nazi Ruins show is called “Forbidden Island,” like it’s some kind of sex retreat.

Guernsey Island, a British protectorate in the English Channel, was closer to France than England. In 1940 Churchill and the British evacuated as many as they could possibly before the Germans marched in, or sailed in, one week later. It was a feather in Hitler’s cap. He took part of England while he engaged in blitzing London with bombs.

It was a place of no strategic importance, but England lost a popular vacation retreat to the Nazis.

Almost immediately, Hitler went mad with his new conquered territory, sending thousands of troops and forced labor to build bunkers, observation towers, and gun placements. He expected the Brits would come charging back to take their property. They never did. It was ignored for the remainder of the war by the Allies.

Hitler’s nutty approach gave Guernsey an unlimited budget of resources to build some of the most amazing underground labyrinths in his thousand-year Reich. Nearly 80 feet under the earth, these hallways with hospitals, air shafts, septic systems and 29 separate tunnels were a luxury of insane proportion. Useless and expensive.

The half-dozen observation towers looked futuristic then, and still do. Everything is nearly pristine from lack of use and careful construction. The isolated island’s biggest drawback was that it could not ultimately supply food to its soldiers stationed there.

A week after the war ended, the Nazi contingent with duty that was holiday-level had to surrender, lest they die in the postcard pretty island retreat.

 

 

Warhol’s Salacious Classic Short

DATELINE: Nothing Ventured?

  Big Moment on Film.

All good things must come to an end, and there may be no more edgy way to end another collection than with our first viewing of Andy Warhol’s 1963 salacious film called Blow-Job.

No one knows whether this was pure acting, or impure acting. Since more orgasmic porno is faked anyhow, we are sure that Warhol was keeping his secret. There is more edginess here than in a modern 21stcentury real thing effort.

Don’t get your knickers in. a twist. This film is the 27-minute version, and it is silent as well as black and white. If there had been sound, we may have accused the star of over-acting his role center-stage.

The star was a 24-year old actor who resembled James Dean, perhaps a fetish of Warhol. DeVeren Bookwaiter went out to do Shakespeare on stage and even appeared in the legit movie The Enforcer. We aren’t sure how many jobs he won as a result of his Warhold notoriety. We never see the costar.

The film starts slow before its inevitable climax. We suspect that foreplay may have enhanced the length—er, of the film. We see the main character only from his shoulders up, in a stylish leather jacket standing before one of those ubiquitous brick walls of New York.

Occasionally he looks nervous like he may hear the police siren closing in. For the most part, he moves around the film frame, and Warhol does not. So, the star often ducks into facial shadow, so we cannot see his bliss.

This could be a farce, or just a sex romp.

Now and then he throws his head back into the light of ecstasy. You cannot hear him, but several times he seems to say the word, “Yes,” and near-on to 17 minutes he may shout out an epithet beginning with F.

The film goes in an out of a white blank, followed by the editor dots. It was either a second helping, or retakes by Warhol. His camera seems to be having more fun the actor in question.

You know you are approaching the end when he throws up both hands and rubs his head. The real tell-tale sign that our break is near, he lights up a cigarette. On the whole, the film is fairly boring. Perhaps you had to be there.

We think he said, “thank you,” near the end as smoke got in his eyes.

Well, that’s art for you.

Roswell Relics on Ancient Aliens

DATELINE: Crash 50,000 Years Ago

Foot in Mouth Again?

You know you are scrapping the bottom of the barrel on season 15 of our favorite Ancient Aliens show when you send Giorgio and Linda Moulton Howe out to the desert to scrape the ground for any leftovers. Next time they will start going through dumpsters at Area 51.

With an inexpensive metal detector, Giorgio goes out into the desert, like Moses, and finds the amazing metal of a crashed flying saucer. Linda has possession for 20 years of strange metal that is impossible to make on Earth.

Now we hear there were not two, but three UFO crashes.

She has been give mysterious materials from the grandson of recovering soldier who kept the samples from the government’s coverup. These are called metamaterials.

The materials are brought to Fort Worth about the crash, but he is stopped. Gen. Ramey dumbly held a document that forensic analysis revealed that there were victims and a disc.

Linda uses white gloves at the start, later they handle these materials in bare hands. So much for care for the artifacts. The use a small detector to find a needle in a haystack or a piece of metal in a vast desert. You guessed it: Bingo!

Giorgio and Linda find two pieces of wire in the famous Gouge area.  When tested, the material could have been lost bobby pins, but the stuff is weirder.

We find that UFOs are crashing everywhere, even in Russia where nono particles have been found. It is a debris field that could be 50,000 years old!

Our highpoint is always when Giorgio misues a big word, like tertiary.

Death on 8 Legs

 DATELINE: Ouch!

A documentary on scorpions is not for the faint of heart.

With 1500 different species, these venomous biters are among the most feared insects—and not just by humans. They are prolific in desert, jungle, dry and wet country. Scorpions: Death on Eight Legsis how disaster strikes in small ways.

Though they can kill a horse in five minutes with a bite, they only have enough venom to last one bite every two weeks or so. You could luck out.

Unwary mammals who are nocturnal can find themselves bitten. Little mice might run, but cardiac arrest will soon stop them in their tracks.

These creatures are, we learned, photophobic: the vampires of the insect world. They must hide, not from heat, but from radiation in sunlight. Shade, caves, old shoes, anything that can give them refuge will be sought—and makes your old boot something to be shaken before inserting foot.

Scorpions are cannibalistic; they will suck the life out of anything, including their family members. Their natural enemies are hedgehogs (who chew with care) and the ever-threatening praying mantis.

The documentary is narrated by a Brit named Stephen Martin with funeral irony and understatement. And, one of the highlights is a fight between a yellow scorpion and a black one in Africa. Their armor makes a fight to death not an easy kill, and they seem particularly incensed by their own kind.

One re-enactment is showing how Bedouin campers are potential victims. Cutting open the bite may help bleed out, but not often enough. Sweating profusely, foaming at the mouth, and great discomfort usually precede your nervous system shutting down and your heart going into arrest.

Sex for scorpions is a 400-million-year dance in which a truce is called for perhaps a few hours. Babies are protected and stay on mother’s back for several weeks before going off into the darkness.

We are glad we don’t usually see any scorpions.

 

 

 

 

Kick to the Groin by Patriots

DATELINE: Brady Boys Up a Tree

New England’s Patriots have done the near impossible: they have kicked themselves in the keester after a cramp nearly decapitated them of a head below the belt.

Bill Belichick has reached a stage of joking.

This week he thought about recalling Wes Welker out of retirement to be his emergency kicker. You know this idea did not emanate from Tom Brady—or it would have been seriously dead on arrival.

Welker is now coaching Jimmy G in San Fran where the Pats’ true heart is in little cable cars, halfway to the stars.

Brady himself pulled his foot out of the kicker sweepstakes by claiming his boot is in Denver. It may be where he ends up playing for the next five years.

With appendectomy, halitosis, and assorted ills, every kicker in the Patriot backfield has found himself unable to lift his leg to do more than pretend to be a Rockette at Radio City Music Hall for the holiday show.

Can a team go to the Super Bowl without a man with the kick-ass power to kick ass?

Julian Edelman may want to consider his role as slot receiver unfulfilled when word filters out that slot receiver and former Brady favorite Welker holds a record of sorts for kicking while catching.

So Julie may need to catch Welker while he can.

Practice makes perfect, but a full-blown rehearsal may be needed.

Can it be the Patriots are ready to lose every game for the remainder of the season? Can it be they will be out of the playoffs sooner than later?

Kick the Patriots in the scorecard and maybe they will wake up with their boots on.

 

Shooting on Fifth Ave?

DATELINE: Outrage Unleashed!

 Garrett Needs a Roy Cohn?

Forget your Easter bonnet for the big Thanksgiving parade. Donald Trump and Myles Garrett are leading the parade of felonious media freaks.

On a day when Donald J. Trump intimidated a witness at a Congressional hearing, we recall his comment that he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and no one would give a fig.

Since then, the candy bar has come into Renaissance, and the New York mayor claimed that they would indeed arrest Mr. Trump. However, if you are a Republican in Congress, your job is to re-load the weapon, as if the POTUS were a shooter in your typical American high school. Trump likes to kick Sandy Hook in our collective faces.

Now, we have a case in parallel where Mason Rudolph, a QB of the NFL, has assumed that violence will be done unto him on the playing field. And now, Myles Garrett has taken that presumption and done a deed that is comparable to Trump’s boast. Lock and load that helmet, fans.

QB of the Steelers, Rudolph, did not die and was not seriously injured, though his vanity may be fatally overexposed. It is Myles Garrett who has achieved the ultimate notoriety: he is the Trump of football.

He can shoot a helmet to the head of an opponent and be guilty of felonious assault but get away with it. His action has been called “embarrassing” by some teammates and coaches. There will be no arrest and trial. This is not hockey, a sport of immigrants from Canada. Trump might threaten a wall to prevent those Canadians from bringing sticks to the game. 

Trump plans to continue to call for the ban of Colin Kaepernick but likely will call for amnesty and pardons for Myles Garrett.

Attempted murder on national television is more than embarrassing, and the Cleveland Browns are intimidating NFL fans with it’s “just a game,” mantra.

There is nothing just here. Justice died on Fifth Avenue, in Congress, and at pep rallies held by Trump.

Removing Another Satiric Barb

DATELINE: Un-wigged!

 Scalp Problem?

We see that a TV graphic headline has been called “racist,” and we thought how terrible. Then, we saw what the offensive words were: They alluded to the Atlanta/Boston/Milwaukee Braves and the situation of losing a playoff berth. Now, we have for some time thought that naming teams after Native Americans—or, as racists call them, Indians, whether they are from Washington, D.C., Cleveland, or Boston (where the Braves originated) is dicey.

We were never sure what Indians they referred to in Boston. It could be that Braves are simply people with courage, though young Native American warriors were called Braves. It was sort of like ‘grunts” or “GIs” in another framework.

So, Indian and Redskin are harder to justify. If this seems like a hairy tale, you will be forewarned to avoid head-hunters.

Back to the point of the racist claim: it struck us as a play on humor and defeat. It is known that some brutal Indian raids resulted in “scalping” of victims. This was not necessarily an action limited to Native Americans but was a kind of trophy hunting.

To say the Braves were “scalped” seems rather oxymoronic. Who did the scalping? People who sell tickets to games outside a venue?

We seem to have entered a world in which words have either lost their meaning or have become metaphoric bonfires of the vanities.

If this full lobotomy assault continues on satiric wordsmiths, we shall soon be de-fanged, de-clawed, and shorn of our satirizing locks. In a crew cut mode, we may not again use Scalpicine on our collective itchy head. Sign language could also be offensive to Native Americans, to which we raise a well-placed finger in response.

Un-X-splained!

DATELINE: History Channel Unchanneled

 Shat Upon a Time!

We decided to take in an episode of the new series on History that is hosted by William Shatner. it’s on the same idea of In Search of.... that starred, first, Leonard Nimoy, and last year, the Nimoy clone of Spock, Zack Quinto.

Now, we have Captain Kirk taking over a limited series.

Of course, we had trouble finding it because we thought, silly us, that the name of the show was The Unexplained. Well, that chestnut was on several years ago for several seasons.

We readily admit we were dumfounded. We could not find the show on alphabetical listing, in search mode, or anywhere. Then, it dawned on us that we know how to spell–and heaven help us, it is now a disadvantage.

You guessed it: the show’s title is misspelled (deliberately. we suspect) in order to use the word, but keep it different from other series titles. You see, they took out the “e” from Unexplained. It’s Un X plained, all one big wrong word.

That is only the start of the battle. The host is remarkable: Shatner is now pushing 90 and seems unstoppable. There is a problem because he is stuffed into his expensive suit coat like a prize stuffed turkey, ready for Thanksgiving.

He is appropriately histrionic about various issues, and his delivery would make Khan blush.

We watched the show about Nature gone mad.

The show featured segments on the fire under ground in Centralia, PA, and the idea that trees communicate through their root system, and on and on.

It was amusing stuff, and the experts looked like the cast of Ancient Aliens and their resident experts. No, Georgio wasn’t there–but Mucho Kakookoo and Taylor Travis were giving their expertise.

All in all, it’s an amusing time-killer, but we doubt it is burning up the cable wires. It will be gone after a few more episodes.

Shark Week, 2019

DATELINE: Overbite

yum yumYummy! Eat’em up!

Everybody’s a critic. One of the best images we have seen from our Discovery “Shark Week” sampling is the Great White attacking a robo-sub with camera.

These denizens of the deep do not like Paparrazzi any more than normal celebs. Now that they have become superstars of the underwater, Great White Sharks have shown a bit more temperament when they find their secret lives being filmed by robotic submersibles.

In one show, we watched Shaq, giant basketball star, in a cage trapped with a small shark. Talk about panic, and the unsettling idea that shark bites are minor concessions to a creature that does not like the taste of people.

Actually, based on some of these documentaries, the taste of producers is dubious—and we agree with the sharks.

Since there are hundreds of varieties of sharks, the week of films on Discovery now feature Hammerheads, blues, bulls, and on and on. Move over, Great White, you have company.

We also find that notion that these “researchers” are a bunch of little boys screaming, “Wow,” and ‘Whoa,” which are dutifully translated into subtitles like a Batman TV episode.

These middle-aged researchers grew up watching Shark Week and now aspire to be among the celebrities who are showcased with the money shot of jaws biting wildly.

Another show featured Mauricio Hoyos again, the cutie-pie researcher who enjoys watching giant Great Whites, of twenty feet, attack elephant seals who congregate on Guadalupe Island, off Mexico.

This episode featured the delightful images of a shark turning the tables on the hunters of pictures by sneaking up from beneath and vertically, to bite the smaller sub, like it is a grinder sandwich.

Several bites nearly do in the expensive computer machine. It is no match in speed or strength to the jaws of destiny that the society of Great Whites enjoin each year.

It is the first time you will see a stealthy attack under water, as usually the shark breaches and jumps up like a whale at Seaworld for our edification.

These endless and often mindless shows beat the drum about how these are not monsters and should be shown respect, even as these jokers try to grab sharks by the tail or prove their manhood by swimming with sharks.

After a series of pointless, puerile, and dangerous stunts, “Shark Week” is overkill. We may skip it for another 20 years.

Nothing Like Four Dames

DATELINE:  Great Actresses Reminisce.

Grand DamesGrandstanding with the Grand Dames

If you like good conversation with witty old ladies over tea and champagne, you may find Tea with the Dames quite your cuppa hot stuff if you enjoy BBC America.

The film is all too short but packed with anecdotes, and you are left with a sense you know these complex, often difficult actresses.

Dame Joan is now legally blind and unable to work, but the women go back sixty years in friendship. The other three are still quite active on screen.

They are literally four Dames:  English titles for accomplishments of women, an equivalent of knighthood. Dame Joan Plowright, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Maggie Smith, and Dame Eileen Atkins, are familiar to anyone who likes good acting. Now you can enjoy their bawdy and chippy chitchat.

The group is gathered at the home of Joan Plowright, which she shared with her husband Laurence Olivier. This is not some static sit-down interview: the women wander around the house, couple off on occasion, and the entire matter is interspersed with rare clips of their early performances.

They do tend to pile on Laurence Olivier, the god their generation of actors with funny stories. At one point when they are winding down, Dame Maggie notes to the director, “Did they tell you how old we are?”

What a thing of beauty and joy to behold for those who have a sense of history and grandeur. For these old ladies represent an age gone by. They were classically trained and paid their dues.

Toward the end we see clips of them receiving so many accolades and awards, including the honor of being made a Dame by Prince Charles or Queen Elizabeth.

Unusual and delightful.

Solicitations from Robert Kraft

 DATELINE:  Time to Call a Solicitor General

Mr. Kraft to you Known for Kissing His Players.

No, it’s not quite like receiving an invitation to a Super Bowl party, or even having a greeting from Santa Claus. You are accused of soliciting prostitutes, Mr. Kraft.

Owner and billionaire Robert Kraft of the New England Patriots has been charged by Florida police for entering a massage parlor and wanting more than a happy ending to the Patriots season.

At an age when most of his contemporaries are dead, 77-year old Mr. Kraft has shown a spark of life. We are not sure if we should wink and nod or congratulate him on enjoying whatever days are left to him. Another arrested user of masseuses is pushing 90, according to the published hit list.

Kraft apparently is using a service supplied by Chinese women who are essentially prisoners of the sex trade, kept under lock and key in a massage parlor to do the bidding of a stream of men.

Alas, the entire concept of sex workers is dubious. Unless there is criminal exploitation, we might well wonder why police haven’t found more important work than setting up candid cameras to catch your grandfather in flagrante delicto.

Are there no school shooters? Are there no gun nuts in the Coast Guard? Why are we focused on massage parlors?

Kraft was caught with his pants down on video apparently, according to some. In the tradition of Jussie Smollett, he is denying any transgression.

The massage parlor is only a few miles from the winter White House, and Kraft’s old pal to sex charges, the President of the United States, is even weighing in on the incident. We know Trump prefers to grab women’s crotches without paying by his own admission.

We may well scratch our head at why a billionaire septuagenarian would pay $75 for an hour’s dangerous liaison when he could have someone come to any private place of his bidding for a few more bucks.

We are of two minds: should we praise him and offer a medal for doing what most men his age can only wish?

Or should we prepare for the inevitable tombstone chiseling that will make this his last notorious act in a life of philanthropy and goodwill?

The ultimate profit goes to the media: this is not a game for gentlemen. Call your solicitor if you plan a trip to the massage parlor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brooklyn Bridge to Serve as Mexican Border Wall

DATELINE:  Trump’s New Solution!

untitled

In the great tradition of American business, President Donald Trump will follow in the footsteps of Mae West and Bugs Bunny and will sell shares in the Brooklyn Bridge. He believes that, if enough Republicans buy shares, they can charge Democrats a large fee to use it.

At the least, he believes the Bridge can be shut down to keep undesirables out of Manhattan. He believes most of those who use the Brooklyn Bridge are illegal immigrants.

The idea was said to be floated by Sean Hannity and Lindsay Graham at a dinner with the President who noted during dessert of Baked Alaska about furloughed government workers: “Let them eat cake.”

Trump tweeted that “Number A, this is a great idea with a chance to make a huge profit for the American people.”  Trump went out to cite the purchase of the London Bridge by American investors some years ago. They moved it to Arizona.

Trump believes this is a template for the latest effort to take the Brooklyn Bridge, stone by stone, and move it to the Mexican border. Trump believes this will kill two birds with one stone.

Sean Hannity reportedly told the President that the Brooklyn Bridge was a boondoggle, built by corrupt Democrats and that his legacy will be affirmed when he tears down the bridge and makes it bigger than the Berlin Wall.