Lamentations on the Loss of Gordon Hayward

DATELINE:  Hard Break for Celtics

 GH

Gordon Hayward came to Boston to play for the Celtics. He was a superstar ready to write his Destiny today in big letters. Instead, five minutes into his Celtics career, Destiny wrote him off.

If ever you wanted a lesson in how ephemeral are the superstars of sports, this abject lesson is a horror story. Gordon Hayward went down in a senseless act of the cosmos and its mystery waves.

But as terrible, gruesome, and awful is the injury to Gordon Hayward, it’s not as bad as what happened to Len Bias, the Celtics hope of the future so many years ago in the aftermath of the Bird years.

Bias died of a drug overdose that caused a heart attack. Or perhaps it was the other way around. Does it matter? He was an unproven talent.

Unlike Len Bias, Hayward is an established star, not some vague potential. Gordon Hayward will live to play another day.  However, we don’t know how this injury may affect his ability to play at the same level that made him a superstar.

Boston hardly knows him and now may never know him as the new centerpiece of a Big Three to bring more championships to Boston. That dream may have just evaporated five minutes into a new season.

The season will go on for the Celtics. But the heart of players may have gone out with Hayward’s injury. The stomach to move on will settle down.

Grizzled old vets like Al Horford may take the injury of a teammate in such a devastating fashion in stride. It is the nature of the obvious horror that has an impact on the younger players. The Celtics core is young and impressionable. It tells them a message of sobering fright: your days in the sun can be over in a blink, or a twist of an ankle: in the crack of a bone.

Bones can be fragile and can snap like twigs in the wind. There may be no reason that can be discerned as to whom it condemns—and who may escape. The quantum physics of the universe is cruel.

The psychological damage is immeasurable on the psyche of players—and even fans. The tragedy belongs to Gordon Hayward.

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Boston Celtics Unveil Third Big Three

DATELINE:  Here We Go Again, Hopefully

whats not to like?

Nouveau Celtics: Hayward and Irving, Alphabetically

After a long hiatus, we returned to watching The Boston Celtics again.

They do look rather exciting this season, which may take the sting off the stink of the Patriots.

On top of that, the Celtics don’t take a knee during the national anthem. They may be more interested in making the Celtics great again, not making Trump look good.

There is a new big three in town.  Kyrie Irving surprises us by being find less sour than we remembered him on the Cleveland team, and Gordon Hayward is far more muscular than we remembered him on the Utah team. Combine them with our new old favorite Al Horford, and we feel like Bird, McHale, and Parrish, have just walked through that door. Well, Bird has returned: oh, wait, it’s Jabari Bird, not Larry.

Or perhaps we see a new version of Garnett, Pierce, and Ray Allen, if only they provide us with such soap opera drama.

Indeed, 2/3 of the Celtics roster is totally new. We couldn’t recognize anyone. Trader Danny Ainge has brought back only four young players, but even they look like Celtics of the future. We refer to Jaylen Brown, the new number seven, and Jayson Tatum, the new big zero. Red Sox star Mookie Betts showed up to jump-start the inter-sports support.

These youngsters seem to be taking the places of memories we have of Rajon Rondeau and Avery Bradley.

The best came from announcer and Hall of Famer, always amusing, 83-year-old Tommy Heinsohn. He said he had seen the new center, bullish Aron Baynes in the shower, and he represented the big continent of Australia in sheer size.

Heavens, can things be looking up from Down Under?

Going, Going, Gone in Boston Sports and Trump Politics

DATELINE:  Time to Outline a New Book? 

In the immortal words of Don Corleone in Godfather 3, “Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in.”

Yes, Boston sports humor is like that.

We want to say, “Book’em, Dan-o,” but is there really another book here? Celtics or Pats?

Now, we feel sucked back into calling Trump the cause of turning the Patriots into the most despised team in the NFL, and now we are sucked back into the Celtics who have sent another oddball point guard into the LeBron Twilight Zone. Move over, Rajon Rondo.

Word has filtered out after the fact now that Isaiah Thomas, our dear little cousin IT, was actually not liked on the Celtics team by his mates. What???

Yes, his martyrdom status as midget wrestler and tiny tot grew thin on the nerves of many fellow players. His ego seems to have been bigger than his player status. Hence, he is now playing on the all-ego team with LeBron James, another character we try to avoid in any humor discussion.

Cousin IT was doomed when his closest friend and longtime Celtic player, Avery Bradley, was sent packing earlier in the summer.

Head honcho Danny Ainge was not about to pay big bucks to secondarily big stars. It did not matter that Tom Brady liked IT. Tom Brady likes Donald Trump. In the end, Tom only can save himself in Boston. In Boston, Trump is a lost cause.

We told various sports fans there would be no book this year on the Celtics or on the Patriots, which seemed to bring much relief when it was not greeted with a yawn. But, now, we are cast into the depths of indecision.

We could do a book on Donald Trump’s season in hell, but Bobby Valentine already did it for us. On the other hand, we suspect Mr. Trump will quit in the middle of our book—leaving us with a Charlottesville Web conundrum on whether it’s crypto-Nazi or neo-Nazi. It could be ether, or eye-ther.

Should we just call the whole thing off?

We are offering up a trial balloon on Trump to see if the media shoots it down as more fakery from the news bakery.

Is Trump the newest sports satire?

We know Trump’s on third, because he is going down yet again, but always rises anew like a rally in Phoenix.

Ossurworld has done a series of books of humor on the Celtics and Patriots. He may or may not do another one. His latest is NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MOST OFF OFF-SEASON EVER. It’s available for smart readers. Just put it on your tab.

 

 

Celtics Send Cousin IT Packing to LeBronWorld

DATELINE:  $$ Talks to Celtics

 Thomas & Tom In Happier Days

Wowie Zowie, the Celtics are not letting the Patriots run for another championship without a Boston competition. We may have to renew our season tickets to the Celtics this year.

It now appears that Isaiah Thomas, Cousin IT himself, who has worked assiduously to improve the team and lure free agents to Boston, now is being sent to the glue factory in Cleveland. He became a folkhero for playing a day after his sister died–and his just reward has come in payback form.

Yes, Cleveland’s the place where both Kyrie Irving and LeBron James want to escape from more than ever.  It is tantamount to Napoleon’s exile island.

Thomas reportedly has a bad hip. As any senior citizen can tell you, a bad hip is the first indication that a nursing home in Cleveland may be on your itinerary.

Kyrie Irving will come to Green-land where Brad Stevens is the coach of choice for superstars who want to be appreciated.

Together with Gordon Hayward, we may have quite new 2007 dream team when Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett showed up and chewed up the league.

Now we understand why Danny Ainge held off on bringing Hayward to Boston for a dog and pony show. He had another big star in the wings to join in the fun. Whether another big star may be in the offing seems unlikely, but this is now the year of unexpected Trumps, and not always in bridge.

We still wonder where the big men are, as Danny keeps dispatching them to Westworld, or some other limbo.

If Kevin McHale is not coming out of retirement, perhaps we will yet see Kevin Durant in green. In the meantime, the Boston Celtics ask, “What have you done for us lately?”

 

 

 

Twin Peaks, Trump Plains, & Celtics Lows

DATELINE:  LeBron James as Laura Palmer, Trump as D.B. Cooper

glowing orb

Chicken or egg? We can’t figure out if the Trump Administration has prepared us for the new series Twin Peaks, or whether Twin Peaks has prepared us for the continuing weirdness of the Trump presidency.

When we see President Trump putting his hands on a glowing orb, we know there is a conspiracy of billionaires to control the world. Of course, it is merely a futuristic ribbon-cutting scene from the most recent Star Wars movie. Either that, or it is opening a gateway to an alternate universe, like the plots of Twin Peaks.

By the same token, we feel as if watching the Cleveland Cavaliers with the Boston Celtics is like knitting by Madame Defarge while royalty is having their heads chopped off.

On Twin Peaks, agent DB Cooper has returned to the northwest after disappearing for 25 years. That David Lynch has such a sense of humor.  So far, McLachlan has not rubbed any glowing orbs, but has kissed dead Laura Palmer (Cheryl Lee).

On the Celtics, little Cousin IT (Isaiah Thomas) and AB (Avery Bradley) are from the same neck of the woods in Washington state which happens to be the setting for Twin Peaks. It could explain a lot about how the Celtics are playing like Laura Palmer’s body wrapped in plastic.

Even stranger, we were amazed to see Kyle McLachlan and Sheryl Lee looking just like they stepped out of a 1990s TV show.  It becomes even more amazing when David Lynch has to inject a phrase at the end of every episode of the show that the episode is dedicated to the memory of one of the cast members who is now dead. We mean really really dead dead, like the log lady Catherine Coulson and the FBI agent played by Miguel Ferrer.

As for the dead Celtics, they are merely playing in an alternate universe, sort of like Twin Peaks 25 years later. If there is a glowing orb in the NBA, they better start rubbing it now. Lebron is no Laura Palmer.

Playoffs for Patriots Already?

 DATELINE:  Celtics Fans Line Up

Thomas & Tom IT4 & TB12

You know it’s playoff time in Boston. The Patriots are there again. But, wait, this time they are at the TD Boston Garden! No, it’s not a celebration of the Super Bowl.

The Patriots are there for the Celtics. Yes, there seemed to be as many Pats sitting courtside as there were Celtics playing the game.

Former Patriot LaGarrette Blount was there—as he has all season—sitting about as close to Coach Bill Belichick as he may find himself this season.

Two out of three quarterbacks were in the building: Jimmy G, flashing a sign to fans on the Jumbotron, and Jacoby Brissett (we fondly call him Jackie Bissette after the 1970s movie star). Tom may not show up until LeBron arrives.

Since Isaiah went to a Pats game in a Brady jersey, you can expect some kind of reciprocal gesture from Tom.

You could see Julian Edelman next to the bench of Celtics and texted out how it’s time to “bleed Green.”

Julian roommate and punter Chad Allen came along. So were newcomers Stephen Gilmore and Brandin Cooks, receiving ovations from the crowd in their first Boston public appearance.

Rob Ninkovitch & Jamie White sat there too.  Owner Bob Kraft joined hands with NFL union boss, DeMaurice Smith.

Belichick waved a Celtics jersey to stir up the crowd into a frenzy of four-letter words that did not spell love for the Washington Wiz.

We suspect that when LeBron hits town when the Celtics move on, you will find the big guns showing up.

Celtics Look Done for Another Year

DATELINE: When Likeable Isn’t Enough

Like the cicada, we come out of hiding every decade or so to re-dedicate ourselves to the Boston Celtics.

We thought this should be the year. The Celtics have a born-again Red Auerbach coach in Brad Stevens. We have become totally devoted to this remarkable superstar coach, and he has brought the team to the playoffs.

But this is not the year for the Celtics. Glaring holes in the roster emerged when Avery Bradley and Kelly Olynyk fell to the injury curse. Stevens played ten all season—and now, like an Agatha Christie mystery, the team has only eight.

Oh, we have been delighted with the Rondo replacement: the IT boy. Yes, there once was an IT girl, Theda Bara. She had it. Well, Isaiah Thomas has “it” too. We didn’t think there was a cure for the fatal flaw of Rajon, but “IT” is it.

We still have Jelly O’Sully on the roster, that remarkable combo of Sullinger and Olynyk, though some say its day is now over. The summer season will see one, if not both, gone with haste while Danny Ainge finds superstars to replace them.

We like the rookie who never played much this season: he reminds us of Kevin McHale in his posture and body language.

We have come to appreciate Evan Don’t Call Him Turnover Turner, and we have come to watch Marcus smarten up. His gold Mohawk has grown on us too–even if Fort Knox loses its golden locks.

Yet, the team is not ready for the Final series. It’s a shame because we truly liked this bunch. What returns next season won’t be the same.

Burgers to Burritos: Olynyk Matches Edelman

DATELINE: DOLLARS TO DONUTS

Featured imageBurritoKing?

Celtics games continue to take a backseat to the backstory.

The latest team-spirit building centered on a wager that Kelly Olynyk could eat a burrito in four bites—while on a charter jet heading to Milwaukee. Unfasten your seat belts. It may repeat on you.

Not since the Fourth of July and hot dogs have we thought of such shenanigans. Whether he could win or lose, Kelly may have won the Tofu Turkey Award with this antic.

Teammates seem divided on the rules, but the four bites clearly had to stay within the bounds of a time constraint. There were more rules than DraftKings have to face in New York.

This is the kind of bettor investment (FanDuel calls it a “deposit” not a bet) that causes money to fly faster than at a cock fight. A few more of these macho contests and DuelKings will be banned in more states than Nevada and New York.

Patriot pal Julian Edelman will have to create a new burrito video to go with his notorious Burger Tyme show. Olynyk can clearly match dollars to donuts or burgers to burritos.

While wearing JE 11’s baseball cap, Olynyk depressed his lower jaw and shoved a dripping burrito into his mouth. With chipmunk cheeks, he seemed stuffed more than the proverbial turkey at Thanksgiving.  All was caught on iPhone video for posterity.

He tried stalling for time with a fastidious napkin break—but the overwhelming Mexican dinner made the hirsute Olynyk look like a flat tortilla.

If he has difficulty playing in the night’s game, we will understand why he is belching on the bench.

More Hair Club for Celtics

 DATELINE: Hirsuite Celts

Featured imageJelly!

Yes, we all know that muscleman and proto-athlete Samson lost his locks to Delilah. Hair seems to be an important part of an athlete’s ability to play with confidence. We have only to watch Wes Welker on a TV commercial for restoration of hair follicles to know this lesson.

So, we felt bad when we saw that Kelly Olynyk had begun this new season with his flowing, bouncing shoulder-length locks imprisoned in a twisted sister bun warmer. He had tried a new look that did not suit us: The schoolmarm.

A tight bun on the back of the noggin made Kelly look more like a stick figure on the parquet. Not only was his hair confined, so was his game.

Then in miraculous fashion came the fashion miracle. Kelly let his hair down. It was as if Samson cut loose from Delilah. Perhaps his old friend Phil Pressey called and gave him advice on hair growth.

Whatever the motivation, Kelly was running up and down the court in free flow. And, he scored 19 points—combining, you guessed it, with his old Siamese Twin brother, Jared Sullinger.

The new look of Goldilocks Sully and Samson Olynyk restored faith to the disbelievers. Sullinger scored twenty-one points. He even made a court length pass from a prone stance on floor that did NOT go into the net, but into the hands of Isaiah Thomas who dropped it into the bucket.

All this gave us a renewed vigor, a restored sense that our belief and our hope to see Jelly O’Sully again might be possible.

As Kevin Garnett once informed us, anything and everything is possible.

Jelly O’Sully returned to the Garden. Celtics Saints, be praised.

Knives and Stabbings at the Celtics Game

DATELINE: Slice and Dice

Jack & the Sleep Apnea Knife

We have sort of given up on the Celtics this season—and now it appears in a nick of time. A fan was nicked last night at the game by a knife-wielding semi-fan.

Fans with knives are New York Knicking each other like we were in a dogfight with gang members in Rebel Without a Cause.

Leave it to those Celtics fans to be reliving the glorious 1950s when they won all those championships. That’s when switchblade fights were all the rage.

Yep, the fans at TD Garden are lacking a cause. Their team of nobodies may be headed to a first-round loss in the playoffs. But they have hundreds of draft picks for the future.

Someone ought to tell the Celtics that the future was yesterday.

The Boston Celtics play like they believe in string theory. We need Stephen Hawking to coach this group. In an alternate universe, only the players are stabbed. Ask Paul Pierce about that one. He used to play with the Celtics in those days.

We expect shootings in basketball, usually from the three-point arc. A stabbing in the mezzanine makes the tickets a little pricey for most of us.

We noticed recently the Celtics no longer feature players in their sales promotions. They talk only about the fans. Well, soon, we’ll need a rap sheet to understand the rap music in the commercial.

Nowadays on the Boston Celtics, the thugs are in the stands, not on the court. Only the Patriots provide players in the court.

Nothing to Laugh At in Boston Sports

DATELINE: HUMORLESS

Dumb America

With a dearth of Boston sports humor lately, we are asked by fans: is there anything even remotely funny about the Boston sports teams?

In a word, no.

We are facing Aaron Hernandez’s murder trial in Fall River, a locale where Lizzie Borden also reached the heights of infamy. There have been precious few sit-coms about Lizzie in the past hundred years. We have had a few chuckles over Hernandez the Chucklehead.

We did like the ditty kids used to sing about Lizzie, but there has been no song for Hernandez, though we saw him do a pregame dance on videotape before killing Odin Lloyd.

Also, the Boston Marathon bomber hardly garners any laughs lately. We have found his endless requests to change venue fairly laughable. Four times now and counting.

He claims he cannot have a fair trial in the city that is Boston Strong. Then, during opening arguments, his lawyer admits he did it. So, why are we having this charade of a trial? Oh, it’s to see if he deserves the Timothy McVeigh treatment.

That too is a no-brainer.

After those sports stories, you hardly feel like guffawing over the pale shadow of Celtics or the off-season antics of Gronk in Vegas.

Apart from the hairdos of Cuban players, is there anything remotely funny about the Red Sox in Spring Training?

We have been working on our next book on the Titanic, another knee-slapper. So, forgive us if we haven’t been looking at the whimsical world lately in a funny way.

And, oh, yeah, it’s tax time. LOL.

Awaiting on the Partnership of Sullinger & Olynyk

 DATELINE: Return of Jelly O’Sully

sullinger devil in a black dress

 

With the departure of Rajon Rondo, the Celtics have a gaping hole in their conundrum syndrome.

Enter Jared Sullinger.

While not as Garboesque as Rondo, he is proving that he can be Rondoesque. The affable, social, friendly Sullinger will talk to the media—or anyone else who waylays him on the way to a game.

As consequence, he was the Late Mr. Sullinger for two games in one week. This resulted in the team benching him from the starting lineup. Coach Brad Stevens may have thought he was done with Advil moments when #9 hit the road, but think again.

Sullinger plays hot and cold. Gosh, does that remind you of anyone recently traded to Dallas?

And now the media is circling Jared Sullinger like he is the reincarnation of Rondo Past.

Who can blame the insider contingent? There is little precious to write about the Celtics nowadays.

Sullinger’s better half, Kelly Olynyk, seems injury prone this season and the tandem has not been on the floor together nearly as much as fate would allow. Once we have the exciting combo of Jelly O’Sully back in form, we know we are on the way to another championship (when Danny Ainge cashes in all those draft chips).

Olynyk may be a good partner for Sullinger now that Phil Pressey has been sent to the gulag in Maine. He needs a new number one go-to-supper on the road pal.

Sullinger could do worse than befriend Kelly who often calls his teammate “Mr. Hard Foul in Practice.”

Stupidity over Cupidity in the NFL

DATELINE: HUMOR

crying jag

FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD

The sensitive Pete Carroll motivated team featured a crying quarterback, guaranteed to win the bleeding heart crowd of liberal fans.

Russell Wilson was overwrought and overcome by emotion. It was so bad that the dumb as they come Seahawks organization sent out a tweet on MLK Day that compared Wilson to Martin Luther King.

Later they apologized for being idiots with no sense of civil rights.

They would have done better by playing the deflategate card. Yes, indeed, the sore losers in the NFL continue to cry foul over Bill Belichick.

This time he has let the air out of the game.

It takes a blowhard to inflate a football, but it takes a satanic majesty to win the game by deflating the positive. If both teams use the same ball during the game, and one team wins by a large margin, the other team needed more steam in their balls.

What we have here is a failure of good sportsmanship.

A suspect Indianapolis hack writer has put out a story that is meant to distract the Patriots during Super Bowl preparation time. It is also meant to taint the legacy of Tom Brady who seldom loses home games.

By suggesting the balls have been tampered with at Gillette Stadium, you surely are hinting that Tom’s victories are suspect.

It’s bad enough that the New England Patriots are now accused of deflating their balls, we now hear that the Boston Celtics are worried about Kelly Olynyk and his down low game.

If Kelly is off the down low game, where does that leave his constant companion Phil Pressey?

What’s the matter with sports today?

Paul Pierce & Kevin Garnett Enjoy a Night on Town

DATELINE: Nostalgic Celtics

getty images

Not too long ago Rajon Rondo took Kobe Bryant out for breakfast, which raised a few eyebrows. Short of recruiting each other, it seemed like the morning after pill might be called for.

Now comes a report that former Boston Celtics Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett went out for a fancy seafood dinner together before their respective teams went out on the basketball court for a meaningless game.

It was like a divorced couple reigniting the flame. Pierce and Garnett now toil separately on ignominious teams. Their glory days of the ménage a trois are long gone with the memory of soon-to-be retired Jesus Shuttleworth Ray Allen.

Two old friends sharing a meal may seem heresy in the world of head-butting NBA superstars.

Witnesses swore Garnett and Pierce did not hold hands during the dinner—and the meal was not intimately lit with candles.

There were no paparazzi there to snap shocking photos for TMZ. This was not like the days when Elizabeth Taylor would wine and dine a former husband with crowds of gawkers.

If the two players had retired yesterday, this would be yesterday’s news—and no one would have reported their intimate meal. You could have wrapped the restaurant leftovers in a newspaper meant for fish & chips.

But, we love our former Celtic heroes, and we couldn’t resist reading they shared a moment to reminisce about the great days when Rondo used to drive them crazy.

It seems like only yesterday when we were young.

Celtics Future Clear: Considerations & Draft Picks

DATELINE: Stockpiling the Future Asset

Randy Scott

Danny Ainge’s cockamamie plan is now clear.

He intends to trade every player on the team for future draft picks.

If another NBA team wants a player on the Celtics roster, Ainge will do what he can to accommodate a trade. Nothing will come back to Boston in return—only future considerations.

Like ghosts on the Outward Bound ship to the afterlife, the new Celtics will feature empty spots on the bench.

You may think the Celtics will be short-handed, having sent everyone who can score (or even play) to another team. That’s a mere technicality. All that would remain on the bench would be injured players and fans who think they can play better than the present roster.

If the Celtics have no players, there will be great cost savings on salary for the next two years. Ainge has discovered that future considerations do not require a monthly paycheck.

This could save the team about $75 million each season.

Since the Celtics play to lose just about every game on the schedule, this fits right in with a plan to divest the Celtics organization of everyone except Brad Stevens.

As a groundbreaking strategy, the Celtics would become the first team in the history of professional sports to have no one on the roster.

They would have plenty of speculation and fan input for what players would eventually don the green uniform in two or three years. The team could open the TD Garden doors every night for a guest high school team to come to play an NBA game.

Fans might not see much difference from what has been on the parquet so far this season.