The President Rings Twice, and the Patriots Answer

DATELINE:  Ring-a-Ding Trump

off off-season   Mr. Kraft to you bradys-friend

Having eschewed humorous sports reports on Boston travesties lately, we are forced into a return to the topic one more time.

For this, you can thank Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and close friend of President Donald Trump.

In April, one of the first big sports events of the Trump era was the visit of the Super Bowl champs of 2017 to the White House. This fiasco was decorated with many missing members of the team who protested the new President. One can only wonder how many of the black players might find their lives hardly mattering after the incidents of KKK and neo-Nazis in Charlottesville or Charlotte’s Web.

They might feel some blame for the violence, making their livings through one of the most concussed and violent games around.

However, we beat a dead horse when today’s news is not fake enough for the alt-right. Yes, Robert Kraft has bestowed one of his $36,000 diamond-studded Super Bowl rings on Mr. Trump.

Usually the President receives a jersey with Tom Brady’s partial number, 1, on it, if it is recovered from international thieves.

However, this year, the man who often breaks bread with Trump and flies on Air Force One often, decided to break precedent and give the President one of those prized rings.

Reportedly, Kraft wanted Trump to have something to put into his presidential library when his term is up, sooner than later, with not much to show for it so far.

Kraft also gave a ring to Tom Brady’s mother for her valiant battle against cancer, which felled Kraft’s wife several years ago. It was Trump’s condolences back then that sealed his friendship with the billionaire NFL owner.

 

 The White House is not talking about when the ring was made or bestowed. And, the Patriots have only made a sly announcement this week in the midst of the pre-season after a tumultuous off off-season.

You can read all about it in Ossurworld’s notorious book, The Patriots Most Off Off-Season Ever, perhaps the last in the Patriots series of hilarious, if not nasty, accounts of their dynastic years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

Secret Ceremony of Patriot Ring Bearers

Giselle & Bunch Lords of the Rings & Giselle

DATELINE:  Brady as Lord of the Rings

The New England Patriots Super Bowl party in which they were given their gaudy rings was an affair more secretive than a Masonic 33rd Degree installation.

If Aaron Hernandez were still alive, he’s accused all of  his former teammates of belonging to the Illuminati, or at least the billionaires among them.

Gronk let it be known that they were sworn not to talk about the details of the binge party. However, he did admit that Mr. Kraft knows how to throw a shebang. It isn’t difficult when you have $4 billion in your bank account.

Many of the former Patriots who have jumped ship for the upcoming season (including Martellus Bennett and LeGarrett Blount) were there. They certainly know they may never get to see another Super Bowl party with ring bearers.

Fake media was kept at a distance.

Tom Brady did come with his lovely wife Gisele who belongs to the almost-billionaire club, but you’d have to look hard for any other girlfriends or wives. We do know that Julian Edelman was right there, elbowing Giselle out of the picture.

Just to show he was the Eastern Star at this 33rd degree celebration, Tom wore all five of his Super Bowl rings. He even allowed Bill Belichick to put on those five so every finger on the Coach’s hands was covered in silver, gold, and diamonds of differing weights.

The event occurred in Bob Kraft’s mansion in Brookline, just a stone’s throw from Tom’s mansion in Brookline. Sometime in a future episode of Ancient Aliens, archaeologists will visit Brookline and say this was the City of the Gods.

We can’t tell you if the flying saucers landed, like Marshall Applewhite’s crew at Heaven’s Gate,  and which ones they took away.  We do know security took away many fake media members. ring bearers

Playoffs for Patriots Already?

 DATELINE:  Celtics Fans Line Up

Thomas & Tom IT4 & TB12

You know it’s playoff time in Boston. The Patriots are there again. But, wait, this time they are at the TD Boston Garden! No, it’s not a celebration of the Super Bowl.

The Patriots are there for the Celtics. Yes, there seemed to be as many Pats sitting courtside as there were Celtics playing the game.

Former Patriot LaGarrette Blount was there—as he has all season—sitting about as close to Coach Bill Belichick as he may find himself this season.

Two out of three quarterbacks were in the building: Jimmy G, flashing a sign to fans on the Jumbotron, and Jacoby Brissett (we fondly call him Jackie Bissette after the 1970s movie star). Tom may not show up until LeBron arrives.

Since Isaiah went to a Pats game in a Brady jersey, you can expect some kind of reciprocal gesture from Tom.

You could see Julian Edelman next to the bench of Celtics and texted out how it’s time to “bleed Green.”

Julian roommate and punter Chad Allen came along. So were newcomers Stephen Gilmore and Brandin Cooks, receiving ovations from the crowd in their first Boston public appearance.

Rob Ninkovitch & Jamie White sat there too.  Owner Bob Kraft joined hands with NFL union boss, DeMaurice Smith.

Belichick waved a Celtics jersey to stir up the crowd into a frenzy of four-letter words that did not spell love for the Washington Wiz.

We suspect that when LeBron hits town when the Celtics move on, you will find the big guns showing up.

Trump to Nominate Roger Goodell for FBI?

DATELINE:  Whimsy & Humor

illuminati

With the big news out of Washington that President Trump has fired FBI Director James Comey, the speculation has run rampant down to Foxboro about the next man Trump may select for a grueling Senate confirmation hearing.

And, the word around is that President Trump’s good friend, Bill Belichick, might be the grandest choice to head the crime fighting agency.

Trump appears ready to buck the past precedent to hire a man who relaxes in his mother’s old dresses.

Belichick shares a disdain for talking to the media that Trump admires—and no one knows better how to deal with fake news than the head coach of the Patriots.

Of course, first choice Tom Brady wants to keep his job with the Patriots. The FBI director receives a contract to play for ten years—and Tom expects to be around Gillette Stadium for at least a dozen more seasons.

Considering the problems of a Watergate type trouble that Trump may find himself, it would surely be good to find someone familiar with Spygate, Bountygate, and Deflategate, to head the FBI job.

That leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that the best man for the job could be Roger Goodell. We don’t know if he wears dresses in his spare time, but we won’t bet against it.

Trump should nominate Goodell for the post. He can keep Belichick on ice until the head of the CIA job opens up.

 

 

 

Bye Week Bye-Bye for Patriots

DATELINE:  Halloween Surprise

Laughing Cavalier2

When Danny Ainge of the Celtics decided to trade and to dump R.J. Hunter at the start of the season, there was agony and expressions to the public of the difficulty of professional sports in human terms.

When Swami Bill Belichick of the Patriots decided to trade and to dump Jamie Collins, the public went into a tizzy. You have just experienced the awe and mystery of Bill Belichick.

It was a shocker. Oh, really? Just hours before Sunday’s game with the Bills, there were pundits predicting that Jamie Collins would not be back in 2017. Surprise, indeed. He will not be back in 2016. Trick or treat?

Jamie Collins won fans forever when he jumped over the center to try to block a field goal. It was striking and unique.

However, dyed in the wool types who go for the whole nine yards will tell you that, if you plan to be a Gronk-style power-house, you had better be Gronk.

Jamie, we watch Gronk week after week—and, Jamie, you are no Gronk.

It’s again a case of Boston sports stars who read the media and begin to believe they are superstars. Once they leave the ranch, they seem to go into lemming mode: off the cliff before you can say (fill in the blank with any Belichick cast off).

The day Swami Bill sends Tom Brady into the sunset (or probably Gronk a tad sooner), you will likely see the end of Belichick’s era. Until then, your sports team is under someone else’s control.

Yes, Belichick controls the vertical, and Belichick controls the horizontal. He can make the picture a dull focus, or he can turn it to crystal clarity. Sit back, for another season, and enjoy the next game because the awe and mystery is only part of the Belichick game.

You have entered the Outer Limits of the Swami.

The Great Hoodie Shoots All Lame Horses!

B

DATELINE: Belichick’s Message!

For the third time in three years, the Patriots will find a new doctor to tend to the variety of wobbly knees, bent attitudes, and separated shoulders.

Of course, the present doctor praised the organization and his dream job with the Krafty business. You wouldn’t expect a respected professional to be dismissed by Belichick. Dr. Matt Provencher has been associated with Mass. General Hospital. We are not talking about a guesswork meteorologist that irked Bill Belichick.

So, the housecleaning at Patriot Place continues with anyone associated with the weaknesses of this year’s team find themselves pushing the revolving door, spinning out quicker and quicker.

You might theorize that rats leave a sinking ship, if you were a Denver Bronco, but you’d be wrong. Belichick is giving a heave-ho and a pushy push-push to anyone who seems askance.

Since these are the staff members who labor for the glory of being with the Patriots, you can imagine what the Great Hoodie has in store for those whose salary towers over their performances.

Bill likes a good return on his dollar—and he likely will find a bunch of unknowns and undrafted John Doe types. They will shine for a season or so under the Hoodie—before wanting big bucks.

As far as we can tell, there are few untouchables in the Belichick caste.

Brady and Gronk seem to be top of the list. Indeed, Patriots will find another Gronkowski brother in the draft, already having interviewed him, to keep Gronk happy. He had another brother on the team a few seasons ago.

As for that notorious O-line that has the same porous quality of the notorious O-ring for NASA thirty years ago, you can expect that Brady’s staunch defenders will be unrecognizable come this summer.

Patriots Thumb Collective Nose at NFL Pro-Bowl

DATELINE: Read All About It!


No one wants to admit there is a giant conspiracy centering around the New England Patriots.

We don’t have to go into bugging the locker room or deflating the football to find it.

This week seven members of the team, given an honorary opportunity by the NFL, have chosen not to play in the NFL Pro-Bowl. They have kissed off  a large stipend and a free trip to Hawaii. This was turned down flat by every single Patriot player because they have integrity.

Do you think there is sour grapes here?

Do you think the teammates of Tom Brady are joining him in thumbing their noses at Roger Goodell and his goodwill, marketing games?

Players usually beg off for injury, but the entire Patriot squad has decided that Hawaiian beaches are not a panacea for what ails you.

We can’t blame the players (or Coach Belichick) for deciding that corrupt referees and a vindictive commissioner will not receive their hypocritical support.

And, that dear fans, is why no Patriots will show up at a sham game to be played the week before the Super Bowl.

Don’t be fooled by injury status, or exhaustion from a long season, or a desire to be with family as the motive here.

This is a clear cut case of sticking it in the eye of the beholder, Mr. Goodell. You are the reason the Patriots feel no desire to give you a free pass.

Wait till next season.

What’s the Matter with the NFL Today?

DATELINE:  Hate the Pats?

With 24 hours to go before the AFC sends its nominee to the Super Bowl L convention, we have a group of extremists at the National Review charging that the New England Patriots are “bonkers,” “cheaters,” “fake champions,” and other sundry accusations.

These elite NFL fans think of themselves as purists who disdain a shrewd coach who seldom makes mistakes. They prefer dumb-ass coaches who are fired within three years before taking their act to another team. They want bad coaches to continue to be the backbone of NFL games.

These football purists disdain having one coach with one team for two decades—and they despise the notion of a quarterback staying with one team and one set of fans for an entire career.

The New Puritans of Football want a moveable feast for every Super Bowl. It should be a traveling circus, looking for sunbelt stadiums and fair weather fans.

The Patriots have exposed the folly of NFL referees and the burlesque of opposing players with an inability to concentrate on the play at hand. What? Off-side again?

If you see a parallel to the crypto-Nazi attacks on Donald Trump as not being a real conservative, you may well understand those who see Tom Brady as the football equivalent of Trump.

You guessed it: Brady wants to make Patriot Nation great, while Cam Newton represents the nouveau Johnny (Manziel)-come-lately types.

Belichick has undercut the Goodell dream of annual winners of the Super Bowl rising out of a different region and division of the NFL each year. Parity actually means you can play FanDuel and continue to guess a winner.

 

 

Pats Airing It Out in Denver

DATELINE:  High Winds

 

As we live and breathe, the air in Denver has its own pressure. In some circles, it is expected that Peyton Manning has been sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber in the mode of Michael Jackson.

It rejuvenates and instills deflated quarterbacks into their former selves.

We recall the days when players proudly sat on the visitors’ bench in Denver and sucked air out of a tank.

Nowadays, any mention of oxygen and air pressure sends grown men into an air pocket of protection. Players do not want to be seen with a tank unless it is a Patton model.

With game temperature expected to be above freezing, the air will not be one psi less than expected. And, Manning is expected to be thawed out enough to pass, but not pass out, during the first half.

Airwaves used to be a big deal in sports broadcasting, but we have been under heavy-duty cables for some time now.

Whatever hot air Bill Belichick disparages in his press conferences, as he did this week in regard to Bulletin Board Broncos, the Great Hoodie has a team playing on one lung if we are to believe his questionable list of players for the big game.

Yes, Belichick lists nearly an entire starting lineup as likely out: eleven players are dubious to play. These include Gronk, Amendola, Edelman, Collins, Ninkovich, Jones, Vollmer, Slater, McCourty, Chung, and Brady.

Yes, that is hot air for sure. You could blow us over with Tom Brady’s special implanted hot air hair dryer. We feel like HAL the computer has shut the air lock and left us in the vacuum of airless space.

Chiefs Tick off Clock, Can’t Beat It

DATELINE: Time’s Up

Andy Reid epitomizes a bad rap. He mismanages big games.  If you want to beat time, you have to know when to wave the terrible towel.

And, this season Reid did nothing to turn back the hands of time. It was wasted seconds, time outs, and lost time in another big game. If you need an excuse for what happened to Reid, you could blame it on alien abduction. Lost time is their specialty.

As it was, Belichick duped everyone who thought his team was decimated. He probably ticked off his enemies once again.

Gronk has added a few new dance moves to his repertoire before spiking the ball, and Brady is jumping up from doomsday hits like bullets bouncing off the chest of Superman.

If the Patriots wanted to show how ticked off they have become at the disrespect shown them by media in December, the clock struck midnight on any media mouse going up the clock.

Time and tide wait for no man, and Andy Reid was putting stitches in time to make nine points. He ran out the clock and ran out of time.

Whether time is a thief or a dysfunctional part of game management, only the next game will prove for certain. Tom Brady has turned back the clock, and Peyton Manning seems to be running on borrowed time.

Whatever next comes, the time for commiseration in Kansas has arrived. They are not Boston and cannot have too many champions all at the same time.

Kansas was not beaten by the Patriots per se. They failed to beat the clock, and the sands of the hourglass always run out on anyone who cannot think fast.

The Patriots clearly are in an alternate universe and seeping over into the post-haste world of Roger Goodell. Tom Brady is no white rabbit running late.

Bad Weather Predicted for Brady

DATELINE:  Mostly Rain on the Parade

Geronimo, or one of those Chiefs

The countdown to Saturday afternoon grows tense with predictions of a snow mix before the game. Instead, there was a deluge.  As Brady often says, “Apres moi, le deluge.”

Somewhere deep in his snow belt, Bill Belichick may be delighted since he never pays attention to weather. He need not again because his quarterback may be the best bad weather QB in the history of the Patriots.

Tom is no snow bunny. He loves to frolic in the red zone during heavy precipitation at Gillette.

We love whatever Mother Nature can rain down upon Foxboro—from freezing drizzle to downy flakes. Make the snow pack bright.

In all of Patriot Nation, the favorite playoff song is “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, and Let It Snow.” Dean Martin does a mean version, but we prefer to hear Tom hum a few bars as the region prepares for a few inches of something wet.

After the bizarre situation to start the week, bad weather may be a godsend. With Bill Belichick sporting a black eye, Gronk missing from practice, and Chandler Jones carted off to the hospital in a “confused” state, we can only speculate that there was one big celebration after the games on Sunday.

We can’t imagine what the Patriots felt happy about—or angry about. No one is talking about the situation, but theories range from a blockbuster party at Gronk’s to a FanDuel bet gone wrong.

With Agatha Christie out of the loop, we may never learn the truth—but it is out there. We hear there are X & O Files to prove it.

 

 

New England Patriots Distracted & Deflated

 

DATELINE:   Feeling pretty and stupid

During their playoff bye week, the New England Patriots kept a low profile. No one had to say “Deflate-gate,” in these parts of America.

They did not need distractions and are famous for taking the Great Hoodie’s mantra, “Do Your Job,” to the heights of Super Bowl awareness.

When your team has been decimated by injuries and your fan base is nervous with Nellie tendencies to shriek at the sight of a mouse on the sidelines, you don’t need to have bizarre antics abounding.

To that end, the Patriots kept all things small and unobtrusive, cutting any chance of media hysteria from the Boston-based scandal squad of sportswriters.

What did Belichick’s minions give us to write about? Not much.

Let’s think on it.

We feel like humming “Never on a Sunday,” that marvelous ditty from long ago before Any Given Sunday became the NFL mantra.

The Patriot coordinators were in the news for new jobs. Defensive coordinator and brainiac Matt Patricia took a quick jaunt to interview in Cleveland.

Danny Amendola found himself locked out of his carport.

Tom Brady’s underwear caused a media sensation.

Belichick took his team bowling, instead of practicing for the Chiefs.

Tom Brady announced he never drinks coffee.

Tom Brady and his wife Gisele walked into a movie theater, unannounced and plopped down to watch the NFL bashing film Concussion.

Gronk mysteriously disappeared from practice.

Bill Belichick showed up at a press conference with an inexplicable black eye.

Chandler Jones did a naked strut to the local police station in a confused state, imitating Arnold’s Terminator.

Cue the Boston Pops. We are ready for our Super Bowl Half Time Show.

“Thank heavens for little girls, for without them what would little boys do?”

We almost sound like Maurice Chevalier, singing up a storm with a wink and a leer in our voice. Ho-ho, indeed.

All-American Chandler Jones Insubstantial Trouble

DATELINE:  Unreal Marijuana?

 

Who, me?

Heavens! We are shocked to hear that our sweet, innocent Chandler Jones may be behaving badly. Who does he think he is? Charlie Sheen?

By now you heard the ugly stories about Patriots star Jones walking barefoot and shirtless to the local constabulary and telling them he was confused. And, the windchill was frosty.

Foxboro’s Finest know who pays their taxes in town. And, they refused to comment on the transport of Chandler to a local hospital on Sunday morning. It was not criminal, merely medical.

In his own words, “I made a pretty stupid mistake.”  Well, pretty is as pretty does.

Yes, he almost caught his death in the frigid temperatures by going outdoors half naked. We were sorry to miss the sight. We heard that Julian Edelman does not own a winter coat, but surely millionaire Jones owns some boots.

Police went to Chandler’s townhouse to lock it up. They found more than his keys on the kitchen table. Apparently something called synthetic marijuana was present too.

Jones had a bad reaction to the playoffs when he took the stuff that made Alice tiny. No word was spoken about whether Belichick received his black eye from trying to take a D-substance from C-Chandler.

Jones, a healthy lad, returned to practice without fail. He simply failed to smile for the cameras. The normally pleasant and media-friendly Chandler acted like a man with no friends. He shunned the inquiring minds of media mavens.

Fellow Patriots came to his defense, not knowing what exactly he did or why. It was now the new impetus that it is “us against them” in the Patriot locker room. No doubt, Bill Belichick never found a synthetic substance he couldn’t exploit when needed.

 

 

 

Dire Warnings About Impending Doom for the Patriots

DATELINE:  Great Attacks of History

 Kansas City Maulers Ready for Patriots

 

To hear the Patriots talk about the Kansas City Chiefs, you’d think someone had unleashed the Pharoah’s army on a peaceful group of itinerant tourists trying to cross the Charles River.

The Kansas team is being touted as the attack of the Huns led by their chubby Atilla. The media is dropping bombs like it’s the London Blitz. They look like a cast assembled by Sylvester Stallone.

Andy Reid is leading his troops into Gillette Stadium the same way Sulla led his troops into Rome—to the utter infamy of his name.

We expect the carnage will resemble the time when the Vikings raided the nunneries in Northumberland. Are our innocent boys (Chandler, Jules, Malcolm) not safe from these visigoths from the heartland of America?

Bill Belichick speaks softly in the way Brutus talked when he learned Marc Antony was leading the revenge tour out for his head. Belichick is an honorable man, if Andy Reid has anything to say about it.

We almost expect Tom Brady to stand in the middle of the field and cry for an inflated football!  His kingdom for an inflated football! And, the enemies of Tom are ready to pounce.

Is it possible all this hyperbole is nothing short of the Red Queen crying to cut off the Patriots’ heads?

We do not think we are about to witness a new incarnation of Tong Wars. Andy Reid is not the Boston Strangler. We do not have to bolt our doors and hide from imminent danger. These are the low-scoring Chiefs.

As we recall, when Dirty Harry pointed his gun at that punk to ask a pointed question, “Did he feel lucky today?”

Dirty Bill has fired off a number of rounds, but he may have a couple of shots left. Do the Chiefs feel lucky? Well, do they?