Patriots’ Most Off Off-season Ever!

off off-season

New Book!

It is a hilarious romp that could make a highlight reel of its own!

From a championship ride through the streets of Boston before 1 million fans – to winning the ESPY award, you can follow every strange moment in Patriots history of 2017!

If you want to see what your New England Patriots have been on up to since the Super Bowl victory in January, and before they have begun the new campaign of 2017, you need to look at the new book that details every ridiculous adventure, scandal, and outrageous behavior, of the winning team.

From the twisted blogs of Ossurworld who was there for every minute!

now available on Amazon for smart readers and their tablets.

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Is Aaron Hernandez Mansion Haunted?

DATELINE:  Ghosts at Home

armlessinattleboro  Police Remove Hernandez from N. Attleboro Home in 2013.

Realtors hate to answer this question because it puts a damper on buying possibilities.

Shortly after he was taken away on murder charges, his common law wife moved out. The house owned by the convicted killer of Odin Lloyd has basically been empty and on the market since then. This week the house listing price was dropped over $200,000 to the price Hernandez originally paid:  $1.3 million.

The North Attleboro house may indeed be haunted, not only by Hernandez, but by one of his victims who spent time there: Mr. Lloyd, the murder victim.

Having lived in a haunted house, we know something about the likelihood. Unlike the Hernandez case, our realtors did not know that our home was part of the estate of two victims who died on the Titanic. We quickly learned the house was not exactly empty—and investigation showed who might be here exactly.

Our spirits are friendly, probably loved the street they lived on—but true ghosts are bound to a location from their lives. They are likely trapped on Earth, refusing to move on to another astral plane.

Apart from prospective buyers, the only people who have spent time at the Hernandez house in North Attleboro were jurors, judge, and lawyers from the first murder trial. No one wants to give the house an overnight stay. We wonder what could be there to prevent visitors from making a permanent home in the mansion.

Even in our house, there was initial resistance from the spirits who knocked down hanging pictures and made bizarre noises. They still take umbrage at unexpected company. We have had overnight guests who heard footsteps coming to their bed—checking them out before moving away to another part of the house.

Is Aaron Hernandez still stalking the rooms of his North Attleboro manse?  We wait for the brave souls who choose to live there to give us the answer.

 

Author William Russo has written two books on the subject:  The Strange Case of Aaron Hernandez and Haunting Near Virtuous Spring, about ghosts from the Titanic at his own home.

Hernandez Deathmobile on eBay

(shortly after posting this blog, the offending car was removed from bidding)

DATELINE: 4-Runner of Death

deathmobile

Owning it will be a bit like owning Lizzie Borden’s Tin Lizzie.

Yes, that icon of Americana, eBay is at it again.

This time you can own a piece of the late Patriot, Aaron Hernandez, by owning his rental. Yes, that’s right. Though Hernandez never drove this car, it was his and he was the last passenger.

Since being impounded by police as the vehicle most likely to have delivered a five murderous rounds of bullets, the car has been about as lonely as the Maytag washing machine repairman.

The online auction tells you this 4-Runner was used to gun down two young men at a traffic light in Boston. The jury didn’t believe it, but why take a chance that this isn’t the dead man’s grim 4-Runner.

Boston Police believed it was worthy of being the harbinger of death. Can you take a chance that Aaron Hernandez is now haunting the car?

For a year the car was an off-road vehicle, having been kept in a garage under wraps. That means the car is even newer than its 2012 vintage.

After leasing was up, Hernandez was forced to purchase the car to keep it in a Connecticut state of pristine hiding.

A few wags have called the Deathmobile by a sobriquet, “The Silver Bullet.” We don’t recall what Billy the Kid called his horse, but it could have been Silver.

If you see lanterns in a Boston steeple, this car will go to 60mph in six seconds to take you all the way from Concord and Lexington to Foxboro, or have we mixed our metaphors yet again?

The SUV is allegedly worth about $10,000, but bids are now upping toward double that amount.  It must be the black soot marks inside where police dusted for fingerprints. That’s an extra you don’t usually find in a used car.

As a throwaway, or throw-in, the seller offers you a signed Hernandez “81” Patriots jersey. If you recall, the Patriots tried to collect and to destroy every available Hernandez shirt. They failed.

Where Love Has Gone, Hernandez Style

DATELINE:  Death Watch (Rolex)

 size queenAlexander Bradley guesses again!

Valentine’s Day was too late for Aaron Hernandez.

In September he tried to arrange to have Kyle Kennedy made his cellmate. Though this was at first approved, it was quickly rescinded when authorities received wind of the true nature of their relationship.

Denied a cellie, all he wanted for Xmas, Hernandez grew more despondent apparently—but let’s face it: prison officials seldom take on the roles of matchmakers. It’s bad for prison morale to let engagements occur in the general population.

Prisons have not yet reached the exalted situation where they allow sexual tandems as part of a lonely hearts club. The maximum security prison was not going to become another Cure Lounge.

Kyle Kennedy’s lawyer is now saying that his client will talk about his connections to Hernandez when he is ready. Since he is now off suicide watch, it won’t be long.

As part of his trousseau, Kennedy wants that $47,000 watch that was promised as part of their nuptials. It may be beyond comprehension that Hernandez would offer an expensive bauble to a fellow prisoner—and let his daughter fend for herself.

Kennedy also wants the suicide note Hernandez left for him, but there is a big problem. Hernandez’s attorney, Jose Baez claims it was a note to him, not another inmate. Heavens, could it be that Baez was supposed to receive the watch too—as a retaining memento of love.

Baez also noted that a charge of being gay tarnished the reputation of Hernandez (apparently more than three murder charges).

Lawyers will accept all kinds of gratuities for services rendered. For them, love and money are blinder than justice.

Aaron Hernandez Unmasked

DATELINE:  Who Goes There?

AHinHOF

It has taken only a scant 48 hours for the Aaron Hernandez memorabilia business to start booming.

Dirt has come tumbling out of his life in the hours after his death.  He purportedly waxed the floor of his cell with soap in order to make sure he would slip and break his neck whether the hanging worked or not.

His body will be buried without a brain, which seems fitting, as his lawyers want Boston University to study this organ for concussion damage.

Chico, as he was called and not in deference to the Marx Brothers comedy team, was said to have written John 3:16 in blood on the wall, but in red ink on his own forehead. He had to print small because there’s very little space between his hairline and his eyebrows, sort of like early Neanderthal.

Some say he left three suicide notes, though the earliest report said there were no suicide notes. The notes have been left to his wife, his daughter, and according to the most reliable sources (the Daily Mail), his gay prison lover (who remains unidentified so far). Anyone reading these blogs for the past few years know that we have the world scooped on that one.

There is a fight brewing over his NFL pension, which is considerable and should go to his daughter, but he may not have left a will and, of course, never married Shayanna.

Since Chico’s death, Tom Brady has gone into seclusion, not even venturing out for the White House party with Mr. Trump.

You can certainly expect more dirty laundry to be aired before Hernandez is fittingly put into the ground.

Hernandez Vacated, Whitewashed, & Cleaned Up

HangMan

DATELINE: Hanging by a Thread

The cold corpse of Aaron Hernandez is undergoing an autopsy, but in the meantime, he has been given a dispensation and clean bill of criminal health by the crazed Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

You see, Hernandez is innocent until proven guilty.

Apparently, his appeal process has been circumvented by an act of suicide. It’s the old story about murdering your parents—and asking for mercy because you’re an orphan.

In the immortal words of American philosopher, Chester A. Riley, “What a revolting development this is.”

It seems in liberal Massachusetts if you die before you have run out of appeals in court, you are declared “Not Guilty!”  Wow. And then some.

Hence, Aaron Hernandez will have his conviction for murder vacated.

In a practical sense, this makes no sense.

The technicality means the NFL can declare Aaron Hernandez eligible as an NFL player. The New England Patriots can re-sign him.  And most of all, history books must now list him as innocent of the murders of three people.

Fortunately, our sad and sorry books on Hernandez are already a series of jokes. (See Amazon for the facts).

Vacated sentences make it harder for civil suits to claim wrongful death. It means the world of Massachusetts is a place of Folly as well as Folderol.

Killing yourself before you are completely guilty in the eyes of the court is one way to beat the system, scoff at the law, and thumb your nose at justice.

Aaron Hernandez might have been clever, but surely he did not expect to be declared innocent up on his own, purportedly self-induced, death.

Of course, in Massachusetts, you can expect an investigation to uncover whether Hernandez was actually murdered in his cell. As we recall, the same fate befell the Boston strangler, Albert DiSalvo, murdered in his jail cell.

Revolting? Only in terms of the old Soviet process of revising history to suit the powers that be. It’s technical name is historical Negationism.

Not Sad about the End of Hernandez

DATELINE: Stop the Sad Cracks

gonads

We have been accused of blogging Aaron Hernandez to death. If that’s the charge, we are guilty.

However, we are a little overwrought about the number of stupid people who have called the death of Aaron Hernandez “sad.” Among these are Snoop Dog and any number of bonehead sports reporters.

There is nothing sad when a dangerous sociopath, remorseless killer finds his only salvation in suicide. Yes, we are cold to this death. Nor do we think it’s tragic. The tragic deaths belong to the three people who were gunned down in the night by a dangerous thug killer with anger issues.

Those lives were snuffed out prematurely and without justification. We wonder if there are others victims of Hernandez.

Aaron Hernandez was his own best friend, which is probably the only fitting epitaph.

Some people are speculating that he had to kill himself as a matter of honor. The man was completely remorseless and lacked basic values. He did not have a scintilla or shred of sympathy for those who died at his own hand. He may have been found not guilty he in a court, but he remains guilty before the pearly gates of inevitable justice.

We suspect that the guilt Hernandez felt was like that of Scrooge:  he was visited by three ghosts in his cell right before he hanged himself.

Ultimate Closure for Aaron Hernandez

DATELINE:  Patriots Go to White House Today

scary

When the word came out early in the morning, we first thought he was murdered. His former teammates were stepping onto a charter jet to go to the White House to meet the President of the United States. He was throttled in his jail cell.

The details clarified the fate of Aaron Hernandez. He had blockaded the cell door where he stayed alone in a cell. He hanged himself from the window bars with a bedsheet. That’s no easy task for large man.

Like so many other desperadoes, including Jeffrey Dahmer and Albert Desalvo, murdered in their jails, Hernandez suffered alone, steeped in guilt in a prison in Shirley, Massachusetts.

His ultimate motivation for his ultimate end had to be complete despair. He had just been found not guilty a few days earlier. For the first time in four years, he had reason to be optimistic. He’s brilliant defense team plan to appeal the first conviction.

None of that mattered. Perhaps it was because he had to live with the truth. He killed himself on the day that his former teammates were going to the White House to meet President Trump.

One can only speculate what he thought about what might have been. He was supposed to be at Super Bowl 51, and he was supposed to go to the White House and bask in glory.

Instead, his story has come to an ignominious end.

He was not at Celtics games courtside like Belichick, and Brady, and Gronk. He was never to elude tackles again on the playing fields. And he could not elude himself in the dark crevices of his own mind.

Looming, Blooming Headlines for Hernandez

DATELINE: Likely Headlines You’ll See

scary

With the Easter celebrations looming, we have three possible headlines for the Hernandez jury.

First is our least favorite: “Hernandez Crucified by Jury!”

Second is another unpopular possibility: “Hernandez Rises on Easter Weekend!”

Third is ever more frighteningly possible: “Hernandez Hung Jury”.

Of course, the possibilities grow in Boston: “Blooming Hernandez, Not Guilty!”

We do like: “Good Friday: Hernandez Guilty!”

Or, on Marathon Weekend in Boston: “Hernandez Runs Away from Justice!”

We are also ready with: “Patriots Day for Hernandez!”

“Springtime for Hitler & Hernandez” is for those who like ironic celebration.

“Shot Heard ‘Round Foxboro,” can go either way. Take it or leave it.

To honor Paul Revere and Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, we thought about: “Hardly a Man is Now Alive!” and “Don’t Shoot till You See Whites of Their Eyes!”

Boston is also celebrating Random Acts of Kindness this weekend. We wonder if the jury will show mercy to Hernandez and send him back to his Shirley prison cell. Shirley, we jest.

To honor Joan Baez and Jose Baez, our headline “Where Have All Flowers Gone?” has a springtime lilt.

Of course, it is far more likely we will lead with “Belichick Vindicated!” We have now learned that Belichick was served with a subpoena and ignored it.

Is Bill Belichick Above the Law?

DATELINE: Avoiding Witness Stand

 best buds?

While deliberations of the jury entered the fifth day, reports came forth that Jose Baez did indeed try to subpoena New England’s head coach, Bill ‘Don’t Call Me Swami’ Belichick.

We learned that old Belichick has the speed and agility of a young Dak Prescott by managing with guile, speed, and legal talent, to avoid the process servers of Baez.

Apparently Baez is not too smart when it comes to finding someone to serve his summons. Reporters have been able to find Belichick everywhere since the season ended, including the front row of the parquet at Boston Garden for a Celtics game.

Alas, they could not reach Belichick. His armed guards must be better at blocking the enemy than Tom Brady’s linemen.

NFL law means never having to answer to a court summons. So, Belichick called Judge Jeffrey Locke to see if there were any ramifications in avoiding testimony.

Baez thought he did not finally need Belichick.  He seems confident that Hernandez will walk away from the double-murder charge.

Feeling above the law, Belichick gave an interview just five days ago in which he called the Hernandez case “a tragedy” and “heartbreaking.”  Yeah, it breaks your heart and bank account when you pay a serial killer $40 million buckeroos—and he starts to shoot people who spill a drink on his clean shirt.

We might think something more profound in its shock might be the coach’s response, but we have learned that from the Pouncey brothers and their “Free Aaron” hats to actual teammates of Hernandez, most NFL participants have no thoughts about a sports version of Jack the Ripper.

Normal people might be indignant at the lack of understanding among athletes when they harbor and protect a killer. It lends the most horrific credence to the amorality of Belichick’s team and the NFL in general.

2015 Chuckleheads: Dozen Half-Baked Donut Holes

 DATELINE: Worst of Ossurworld

 

At this point in the year we have been asked to review our humor tales and come up with a top dozen of our top 100 blogs.

We certainly noticed certain topics overrun the humor meter: Deflategate, anything Tom Brady, something Tom Brady, Aaron Hernandez, Rajon Rondo, and Tom Brady Against the World.

Though we hate to rank our satires, here are 12 you thought you had successfully avoided:

  1. Andrew Luck: Please Read Our Books!

Andrew Luck has now topped Tom Brady and Peyton Manning on the New York Times Book List.

In a post-literate world, Andrew Luck is bringing back the old fashioned values of a bookworm. He reads books. He recommends them to his teammates. Usually his mother recommends them to him. Does anyone have her email address?

11. Sports Media Exaggerations

Buffoons of sports, better known as media insiders of the NFL, have embarrassed themselves with imperfect metaphors.

  1. Celtics Play Hair Ball

We have been scratching our heads over Jared Sullinger and Marcus Smart. We haven’t seen such a hairball since the cat got sick.

They remain #36 and 7 in our programme, but there is a hint of Mini-me and his master in their demeanor.

  1. Rondo Returns from Dead

We returned to the thrilling days of yesteryear by watching Rajon Rondo in Mexico City.

We never pictured Rajon as the new Fred Dobbs, but there he was in the land of Gila monsters and Federales. And he was just as crazy as ever.

  1. Billy the Kid as the Croquet Kid

You probably have seen the newly confirmed photo of Billy the Kid.

He was the sociopathic killer and dime novel hero of the great American West.  As a dangerous desperado who shot 21 people down, at his minimal serial killer standard, he may have taken a hit to his image with the discovery of his picture playing croquet.

  1. Hernandez Shoe Size Revealed to World

Move over Bigfoot! For those using metaphor to measure life, the appearance of Aaron Hernandez’s sneakers at his murder trial may be an exciting moment.

Yes, prosecutors actually publicly exposed Hernandez to the big number. His shoe size is now a matter of public record.

  1. Ortiz 502, Brady 401

We haven’t made enough of the record setters this month.

First, David Ortiz passed 500 home runs in his career. It is unexpected since everyone urged him to retire when he had about 400 round-trippers. Ortiz never listened to his critics. On the same level playing field, Tom Brady was urged at the start of last year to call it a game. He came back with a vengeance—and is now on a Revenge of the Deflategate tour.

  1. Tom Brady for President!

With more nitwits running for the Republican nomination than we can count on two hands, we now feel the time is ripe for Tom Brady to throw his deflated football into the ring.

Look out, GOP wannabes. Here’s the real article.

  1. Souvenir for Sale: Deflated Football

Now you can buy a piece of history. Of course, any time you buy history, you have to deal with inflation that sent the Weimar Republic into the arms of Adolph Hitler.

  1. Our Hunchback of Gillette Stadium

Of all the grave injustices done to Tom Brady, we never suspected that the worst of the worst would come from a court-deigned sketch artist with delusions of Picasso and Munch.

  1. Tom Brady’s Plastic Surgery

Tom, we hardly knew ye. There may be many ways to deal with one’s 38th birthday—or Deflategate fallout. Take Tom Brady for instance. He apparently accompanied his wife to Paris sometime this summer for a secret rendezvous with the best face workers in the business.

  1. Tom Brady Trumps Truman Capote

Leave it to GQ Magazine to set up Tom Brady in a way that Roger Goodell wishes he could. We are almost agog waiting for Tom’s next act in the swim suit competition.

 

How can 2016 ever compete with this list of horror tales?

Tom Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

DATELINE: Tom Brady’s Last Refuge as a Scoundrel

Featured image

Liar, Liar, pants on fire. Tom Brady has joined the Liars Club.

We believed every word Tom Brady told us. So did owner Robert Kraft, but we already knew he was a dupe. He admitted it when he dealt with Aaron Hernandez. We hate to admit we too are a dupe.

If Brady lied about deflating notions, then what of his relationship with Hernandez? He claimed they only trained together now and then. In fact, Hernandez went out to the West Coast to spend time in Los Angeles bars and to train with his big Tom.

Heavens, we feel betrayed. Tom was a known associate of a killer.

In the football-based drama by Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Big Daddy learned finally that his son the star quarterback built a life on lies.

“Mendacity!” Big Daddy went around the house shouting. We suspect Bill Beiichick must be yelling a similar epithet, though he likely proceeds his fifty dollar word with a hundred ‘F” adjectives.

Tom, we hardly knew ye. You’re right, of course, that this is not up there with the dirty work of Benedict Arnold, but betrayal of trust is tough, no matter what level you create it.

We wonder if he lied to Wes, to Julian, or even to his mother.

If you like your footballs soft, we have a hard lesson for you. It may win a game, but it compromises your own integrity—let alone the shield of the NFL.

We hardly want to besmirch a shield that protects child molesters, wife beaters, cheaters, drug users, convicted murderers, and now ball deflaters.

Ah, American pro sports, the last bastion of hypocrisy, mendacity, and scoundrels. Yes, Tom, you’re in there somewhere.

Indiana: Mountain or Molehill?

DATELINE:  Indiana Grows a Mountain

Dumb America Gov. Pence

We are always confusing our news stories. This week we seem more confused than usual.

Governor Mike Pence of Indiana has apparently locked himself in the cockpit and is ready to crash the state into the Alps. This kind of stuff used to happen only in a Mel Brooks movie.

You can bang on the door all you want. He isn’t listening, and he is hellbent on his religious right to take you down to his version of purgatory.

This is America, and that is America. There are now two Americas. In one you can find people who will defend murderous NFL players as having enough talent to make millions of dollars and you can find devout Christians who think God is on their side.

If someone finds Pence has been told to stay home today because a doctor has found he has an illness that makes him unfit to fly the ship of state, we would not be surprised.

Home to Indiana used to be a refrain that Lew Wallace and Booth Tarkington used to put the boyhood of Christ under a silver moon. Now it is the place where James Dean would be denied a gravesite.

Pence is fond of saying the people of Indiana would never discriminate against any other person. Neither did that copilot who thought he was God.

After a while, all the news seems to jumble into one mess. You can blow up kids watching a marathon. You can murder someone who talked to people you don’t like, and you can fly a plane into a mountain.

Pence is about ready to go tell it on a mountain.

Nothing to Laugh At in Boston Sports

DATELINE: HUMORLESS

Dumb America

With a dearth of Boston sports humor lately, we are asked by fans: is there anything even remotely funny about the Boston sports teams?

In a word, no.

We are facing Aaron Hernandez’s murder trial in Fall River, a locale where Lizzie Borden also reached the heights of infamy. There have been precious few sit-coms about Lizzie in the past hundred years. We have had a few chuckles over Hernandez the Chucklehead.

We did like the ditty kids used to sing about Lizzie, but there has been no song for Hernandez, though we saw him do a pregame dance on videotape before killing Odin Lloyd.

Also, the Boston Marathon bomber hardly garners any laughs lately. We have found his endless requests to change venue fairly laughable. Four times now and counting.

He claims he cannot have a fair trial in the city that is Boston Strong. Then, during opening arguments, his lawyer admits he did it. So, why are we having this charade of a trial? Oh, it’s to see if he deserves the Timothy McVeigh treatment.

That too is a no-brainer.

After those sports stories, you hardly feel like guffawing over the pale shadow of Celtics or the off-season antics of Gronk in Vegas.

Apart from the hairdos of Cuban players, is there anything remotely funny about the Red Sox in Spring Training?

We have been working on our next book on the Titanic, another knee-slapper. So, forgive us if we haven’t been looking at the whimsical world lately in a funny way.

And, oh, yeah, it’s tax time. LOL.

Patriot Player Involved in Girl-Gate!

 DATELINE: DATE HUMOR

gronkGronk

 

If you thought Deflategate was the big Patriot controversy of this year, you’d have overlooked Girlgate. It’s 50 shades of gray matter for Gronk.

Yes, Gronk has thrust the Patriots into the middle of coitus interruptus when it comes to girls.

Gronk has sparked nearly as much interplay as the Devil in the Black & Blue Dress. In case your friends have not retweeted it to you, here’s the news. Gronk does not have a girlfriend. “sometimes chicks are crazy,” he reports.

This news flash has driven women across the globe crazy.

It has caused some men to come rushing out of the closet to offer their opinion that Gronk is gay and has been carrying on with Justin Bieber.

Others say he is what is known in the parlance as an “eligible bachelor.” Some say he is not the marrying kind.

So, Gronk continues to dangle that carrot and refuses to buy into the carat thing,

Next thing you know, owner Bob Kraft will be demanding an apology from the media and gay rights advocates.

Tom Brady wants to be a movie star after football, but a role in a remake of Gone Girl will belong only to Gronk.

We don’t understand why people are down low on the concept of playing the field. Isn’t that what Gronk does professionally?

Now if you had asked if Aaron Hernandez really likes girls, we would have a tweet worth sending with flowers.