Frostbite Falls Foxboro

DATELINE: End of Season: Hell Freezes Over

smartwater Tom to Rescue?

For all those youngsters who are asking the old-timers, when was the last time the New England Patriots played in a Frostbite Falls condition on New Year’s Eve? We have no answer.

Our history books don’t go that far back. Our memory is a collective fog, frozen in time.

We have no doubt whatsoever that Tom Brady will be wearing his long underwear for today’s game against the Jets.

Tom has some specially made long-johns that the Navy SEALs wear when they dive. Let’s hope the Patriots don’t take a dive in the 0° temperatures. That’s 0, none, nil, nothing.

Baby, it’s cold outside.

We are sure Tom Brady would prefer to wear his UGGs boots this frigid afternoon, but those are not regulation NFL.

We believe he gave all his teammates UGGs boots for Christmas again this year. There’s not much thinking when you give a product you endorse as a gift. Tom’s big problem is finding UGGs in clodhopper sizes for all those king-size teammates.

Actually, we are looking forward to the toasty game in the late afternoon with the Celtics.

Though they play on the parquet floor covering hockey ice, it will be warm indoors. Even if some nitwit takes off his shirt in the Boston Garden, he will not be rushed to the hospital as will those fans at Foxboro’s frostbite falls stadium who inevitably will try the stunt.

Bundle up all you Minutemen. The time has come to freeze your derrière off.

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Monkeys & Weasels in the NFL

DATELINE: Crying Over Spoiled Milk

brady mirror

Resting players in anticipation of playing big games in the future is a bit like counting your chickens before they’re hatched. The Pittsburgh Steelers plan to rest their most important players, which sounds like a bunch of chickens uncounted.

The Patriots plan to play their most important players, which sounds like a roundabout way of driving off a short pier.

Granted, the Steelers are playing the worst team in the NFL, which could have a bearing on driving off the infamous bridge. The Cleveland Browns are looking for a perfect season, one without any victories. But the Steelers plan is to make Cleveland work for it.

We admire any team that expects to achieve victory in the face of overwhelming defeat or playing with two left feet.

For the faded Browns and grounded Jets, the chance to win will be a hollow moral victory in a final regular season game. They would confound their opponents who are NFL nemeses, over and out.

The concept has been around for many years, called being Spoilers.

A loss by the Patriots might even cruel Fate’s fickle finger when two replays overturned two recent games into Patriot victories.

Injuries, possible to Gronk and Brady in the last game, would be even more extreme examples of fickle fate screwing the Patriots out of the Super Bowl. Playing their franchise stars may be risky business, but may also be the only business worth doing.

The Steelers don’t take that chance. The Patriots must take that chance.

All analysis may be wasted if the games are fixed, and fate shall play no hand in victory, no matter what you hope.

We will be watching overturned replays like a man on the flying trapeze, expecting the greatest of ease not to be a daring stunt.  Or we may be watching the monkey chasing the proverbial weasel. Indeed, that may be the best metaphor to describe the Steelers chasing the Patriots.

The Big Sneeze is upon us.

 

 

 

Hunting Hitler: Season Three Preview

DATELINE: Historical Adventures Continue

 hitler logo

Back again, Bob Baer starts off his final, third season of the true fate of Adolph Hitler with a special episode. Hunting Hitler is another jewel in the crown of detective mystery reality shows.

History Channel apparently cannot get enough of Baer. So, he has re-assembled his team of Tim Kennedy, Gerrard Williams, Mike Simpson, and John Cencich, many of whom have been trying to find Lee Harvey Oswald over the past few weeks on another series.

This time Baer is presenting an anatomy of a manhunt. In other words, he is providing an opportunity to catch up, or recall, what happened over the past two seasons. If you are new to the chase, it is a quick overview of the successes of the series. This time he allows his team to have some of the limelight.

Baer calls his technique ‘asset mapping’ and once again tells us that his CIA background will make him more successful as a privateer than a half-dozen government agencies that have failed to deliver the goods.

The methods of the series are pure detective 101, but give us proven results. The team has found how Hitler fled the bunker before the Russians arrived—and perhaps faked Hitler’s death, or perhaps a few others too.

With help from Franco of Spain and Peron of Argentina, Nazis were able to re-create their homeland with impunity.

We presume the trail is not cold yet after 70 years—as aging children of witnesses give testimony to their parents’ dubious behaviors.

All this is fascinating, and even if it is bunk from the bunker; it is mind-boggling history revised. The series begins in earnest next week, and we’ll be there. It’s right after we deal with pirates on Oak Island.

Older Than Dirt: Tom Brady & James Harrison

 DATELINE:  Old Folks Find a Home

 older than dirt Nearly 8 Decades of Life Experience

Knowing the Patriots may have to face the Steelers sometime down the road in those playoffs, diabolical Bill Svengali Belichick has found another Trilby.

James Harrison, one-time monster of the midway, was jettisoned by the hapless front office of the Steelers after an illustrious career.

There was only one way to go up: he called the Patriots.

Now together again for the first time, Tom and James are so old they actually remember the last century.

When James Harrison shows up in Foxboro with a calling card that states he wants to win a Super Bowl. Tom gives him an Annie Oakley for the Playoffs.

One-time adversary of Tom Brady, it did not take long for Harrison, age 39, to bond with someone of his own generation, Brady, age 40.

Both are workaholics and, despite never engaging in the TB12 Method, James Harrison does look remarkably youthful.

He and Brady posed happily with Harrison making note, “Finally…a teammate that’s older than me.”

In NFL terms, these guys are older than dirt. Only Adam Vinatieri, Tom’s one-time big brother, is still playing. Tom never thinks that Colts uniform looks quite right on Adam whom he calls “Grandpaw Walton.”

We presume everyone will feel Harrison was meant for Patriot colors. Orange towels are so gauche.

As often happens at the end of a season, the Patriots find someone who makes two or three key plays in a big game and helps everyone find a duck boat for their trip down Memory Lane and Boylston Street.

Are we jumping the gun? No, because the man who might sack Brady will now have his cross-hairs on Big Ben, for whom the bell now tolls.

Patriots Clinch Holiday Spirit of AFC

 DATELINE:  Humbug Denied

photo by Matt Stone

T’was the night before Xmas—and Buffalo was in the house. They had revenge in mind, and were hardly filled with the holiday spirit when playing the New England Patriots on Christmas Eve.

You see, they had Gronk in their crosshairs, having demonized him into something akin to the Zodiac killer. It seemed unlikely to cast free-wheeling, easy-going Gronk with his unbounded optimism as the Grand Wizard of the Racial Divide. Gronk was suspended for assaulting a Buffalo player as he lay helpless on the sidelines by doing a Haystack Calhoun-style splash on the man’s back.

In the meantime, send no Patriot Flowers to Buffalo. The Bills don’t want any Marquise or Trey Flowers. That kind of love is not in bloom or in season, but they received a bouquet in spades.

We haven’t seen Dion with so many hits since he was with the Belmonts. Yes, Dion Lewis ran and ran and ran. Like the little engine that could.

As far as the revenge on Gronk’s game, every time On the Buffalo Bills looked at Gronkowski askance, they received a penalty. Not only that, the Patriots put Gronk on the opposite side of the field, far afield from wherever harm may be.

The upshot is, as if we didn’t know, another AFC championship, perhaps seven or eight in a row for New England, who knows? And it looks like a clear shot to the Super Bowl.

Jimmy G still is helping the Patriots by defeating their enemies over in the NFC. He beat the Jaguars for his fourth victory in a row. We may cringe at his loss to the Patriots in some future time, but we still have Tom.

As long as Brady looks younger than Jimmy G, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Powers above made the Bills change their tune during the Xmas week.  There would be no hometown lynch mob when the name Gronk came up, but wiser heads chose to downplay the hostility. Yet, the referees reversed a Buffalo touchdown in order to make fans across the nation truly hate the Patriots at this time of year.

Bravo, Goodell.

Visitor from a Strange Planet? Or Time Traveler?

DATELINE:  Weird Photo 

 interesting

We have begun to think that Trump’s Chief of Staff, John Kelly, is not who he says he is.

Kelly purports to be a local Boston person who attended UMass Boston before climbing the ranks to the level of General. Since the Trump election, he has risen to Director of Homeland Security—and thence moved to the White House as Trump’s mad dog, er, we mean guard dog.

Yet, during recent research, we have discovered a photograph that may belie the truth.

It seems John Kelly has a double who served on the Warren Commission—and helped fired CIA director Allen Dulles in that benighted investigation.

Warren conspirators

John McCloy died, allegedly, in 1989, but during his illustrious career as a Know-Nothing politician, he masterminded the idea of interring Japanese during World War II and restoring properties and money to the supporters of Hitler, despite the Nuremberg decision not to reward these people.

It seems that McCloy and Kelly may be cut from the same cloth, as Kelly wants to toss hundreds of thousands of legal and illegal immigrants from the United States. He may also be a witness to Trump’s recent racist rant, saying all Haitians have AIDS and all Nigerians lived in African huts before coming to America.

Can it be that Kelly is actually a time traveler who shows up at the White House periodically to weave his peculiar brand of politics?

What’s next? Will we learn that Kelly is also on the board of directors for MJ-12, the shadow government of the United States, that conspires to keep the truth about space aliens from the general public?

Photographic evidence is chilling.

Tom Brady Channels His Latent Trump

 DATELINE: Entre Nous

TomTom's HairDooDoo

You don’t have to scratch too much below the surface to hit a soft spot on Brady’s Botox sensitivity. When questioned by the damn media, Testy Tom laid into them by crying, “Out, out, damn spot.”

In one of his patented sweet nothing pressers, he told the adoring throng that he does whatever he can to win games: and how dare anyone in the press corps question what happens between the QB Great and the Head Coach Great. Belichick and he are above the masses and gossip-mongers.

Yes, being a member of the elite allows him to disdain lowly reporters trying to do their meager, low-paying jobs. One Patriot player once mused that those reporters must make hundreds of thousands per year for their easy job of sports misreporting.

Brady shut down one of the working stiffs of the press by telling him that his conversations with Belichick are not known to anyone and are strictly “between he and I.”

Well, Tom, your public university education is showing: it’s “between him and me.”  Yes, once again you are the object of a preposition, if not a plot of media feeding frenzy.

The Alex Guerrero controversy in which Belichick has acted like Trump’s CDC, according to reports, has banned the viral words “Guerrero” from appearing at any press conference, on any JetKraft, or on the football sidelines with bylines.

Next, we expect Sarah Shuckabee Saunders, the daughter of one-time presidential candidate and relative of some chicken-licking operation, to come to the podium and berate the Fourth Estate on Tom’s behalf.

Brady’s power of affable can shut off with the flick of a fickle fan like his presidential pal. He never talks about his conversations and/or Belichick’s verbal morsels from the inner sanctum, and the coach never discloses anything either:  so, Tom pointedly asked like a White House king, what is the source of these stories?

If you dismiss hearsay from gossip, and Tom never shuts down his many blab friends, we will always know.

There are many people out there who consort with Tom Brady well enough to be considered experts—and that’s not “between he and I.”

Baer Finds His Goldlocks in Oswald

DATELINE:  Tracking Oswald

oswald Can there be more to him?

Former CIA investigator Bob Baer was back on History Channel with updates on his Kennedy Assassination theories. Updating his shows, Baer offers us JFK Declassified: Tracking Oswald.

Last year History Channel unceremoniously dumped the series after two episodes and never offered a word of explanation. Now, with the release of the remainder of the secret files on the Kennedy Assassination, History has decided to update and re-release Baer’s now-affirmed mini-series in six episodes.

Baer prefers a cold case that is not too hot and not too cold, but somewhere in between. His Goldilocks is Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who slept in every political bed.

With the recent release of documents under seal for 50 years, Baer called in his anonymous and unseen friends who were former CIA and FBI agents to annotate the discrete files that seem unrelated with new evidence. They find more treasure than you might dig up at Oak Island.

He neatly tied together that Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone. Of course, the bottom line is that Oswald remains the prime suspect, now hints coming forth that he was trained in Louisiana in improved shooting techniques by his friends from Cuba.

Baer suggests that rogue elements of the CIA may have used pro-communists to advance their anti-communist agenda. Oswald neatly fits into both camps as some kind of bizarre double agent, or double patsy.

Though Baer comes across as a CIA apologist on the order of Gerald Posner, he has been lumping the agency into the mix of rogue enablers. His complete assessment is welcome, for that reason alone. The miniseries is worth more than a cursory reconsideration.

The Great Tom Brady Fault

DATELINE:  Movers and Earth Shakers

 scream up close Patriot Fans Silent Scream

Scientists in New England have discovered an earthquake fault line in Foxboro. It runs right through New England Patriot country.

Resembling the notorious rift called the San Andreas Fault in California, the New England version centers around cracks in the great football empire of the Kraft family.

The Pats sent Jimmy G off to San Fran where Tom Brady’s heart was born, and the tremors are now starting in New England.

It seems the possible damage might include the Pats sliding into the Atlantic Ocean if the eruption and shaking continues. It seems the fault line can be traced to Tom Brady’s guru/nutcase inventor of the TB12 Method. No one is closer to Tom, not even Hurricane Jules.

Alex Guerrero has been banned from the sidelines and from travel on the JetKraft team airplane with Tom by the Thunderous Bill Belichick. The GOAT admits that there is a fault line developing.  It could shake the entire area if Tom is sent sliding into the NFL when the rift with Belichick is exposed.

Right now it is merely a crackpot line in the sand. Plate techtonics indicate that Brady is standing on the line and jumping up and down on it.

Tom’s Fault now has claimed other Patriots who have sought refuge with the Guerrero Camp over Patriot doctors’ advice. Gronk, Edelman, and even Hanley Ramirez of the Red Sox, are now planning for the Big One to shake up sports.

We are not sure if the faultline ought be called the Brady Rift, the San Belichick Fault, or name the entire potential disaster after the notorious snake oil salesman, Alex Guerrero.

We know only that the tremors have sent Patriot fans scurrying about. How can a potential tsunami like this be at the Patriot doorstep?

The Great Tom Brady Earthquake is now on top of the New England Patriot worry list.

Oak Island Confounds and Taunts Its Treasure Hunters

DATELINE:  Season 5 Puzzles

affluenza sufferer  Move over, Greed

History buffs had a night to confound and impress with the latest fifth season episodes of The Curse of Oak Island.

Every wild theory found more evidence for its support and together all the most shocking hints combined to create a true treasure trove.

Oh, there were the usual dead ends:  finding a large square of earth that hinted at a treasure chest was immediately set upon by the hunters—only to reveal a big hole with nothing in it. The conclusion of the treasure seekers was that something was there once, but had been dug up and removed back in the distant past. They suggest it was black American expatriate Sam Ball who died in 1846 after becoming wealthy.

Adding to the general weirdness was another historian who revealed that Sir Francis Drake might be buried on Oak Island in a metal coffin filled with preservative mercury. The remains of the privateer of the first Queen Elizabeth has never been found. Might the metal pieces discovered belong to his casket?

On top of that, so to speak, is the shoe leather, later revealed through microscopic examination to be bookbinding. Did Drake’s close associate, Francis Bacon, bury secret and unknown Shakespearean manuscripts on Oak Island? That too is now in play.

Two distinct and separate human bones discovered at 160 feet below the ground in the same place were from two different men: one European—and one from the Middle East, according to DNA.  Middle Eastern body parts suggest Knights Templar and the long lost Ark of the Covenant—and perhaps other relics of the New Testament, which would alter history.

All these weird details hint at a treasure trove of unmitigated mystery coming closer to solution and discovery.

This leaves greedy sorts who want only gold of the Aztecs on the periphery of the treasure hunt.

Of course, everything is in shards and tatters, perhaps destroyed by hunting techniques that have left them unprotected two hundred feet below the surface.

We shall see if history is about to be upended.

1974’s Murder on the Orient Express

 DATELINE:  Another Christie Version

1974 all-star murder

Before we tackle the newest Orient Express by Branagh, let’s look at the oldest version.

The star-studded Sidney Lumet version took Agatha Christie out of the hands of  1960s-style Margaret Rutherford and Miss Marple.  Murder on the Orient Express is bumpy in the night.

Indeed, the cast is spectacular, one of the last gasps of Old Hollywood gone mad. The suspects are so rococo and bizarre that they make Albert Finney’s weird Poirot look positively like Sam Spade crossed with Richard III.

As the names of stars pass in the opening credits, your jaw may drop. Bacall, Bergman (Bogart’s leading ladies), Perkins, Connery, Gielgud, Redgrave (later to play Christie herself), Widmark, and stellar second bananas too, like Balsam, Bisset, and let’s catch our breaths! Wow.

Lumet is not so much interested in atmosphere as glamour.

If Margaret Rutherford had not died the year before the film, she likely would have been cast in it too. Christie never liked the idea of Miss Marple joining forces with Hercule—but in this sort of movie, you almost expect it.

The new auteur Kenneth Branagh version cannot touch the sheer aristocracy of actors in this film. You have to savor each little gem from Lumet’s cast, as these great stars finally can play it to the hilt one last time and first time as an ensemble.

Agatha Christie was the Shakespeare of crime plots—and so we will have more remakes. After all, we have seen about seven great Hamlet movies. Christie cannot be far behind.

We do condemn the music score that lightly sounds over the credits at the end—which is completely wrong for the mood of the film.

Fincher’s Movie Zodiac in Contrast to History TV

DATELINE:  Docudrama Versus Reality TV

 Fincher style Gyllenhaal & Downey Play Detectives

The new series on History inspired us to go back to 2007 and see what David Fincher did in his big budget, all-star movie called Zodiac.

Suffice it to say, there is some overlap: and the series claims to have discovered an earlier killing by Zodiac at UCLA that was shown ten years earlier in the Fincher film version.

Of course, Fincher uses poetic license to personalize victims and their final conversations; we have no idea what was really said, but his version is fairly likely.

The movie uses big stars in rotating coverage: the newspaper cynical reporter is Robert Downey, Jr., who calls Zodiac a latent homosexual—and then fears for his life that he will be a target.

Mark Ruffalo is the San Francisco detective in full 1960s fashion mode, and quite amusing. Brian Cox steals every scene playing flamboyant attorney Melvin Belli.

The most important character is Jake Gyllenhaal’s Chronicle cartoonist who is an amateur sleuth and is equal to the trivia that Zodiac was fond of using. He notes that Richard Connell story, “Most Dangerous Game” that Zodiac admires—but the movie never did its homework. The story was a short story, not a book.

You may well wonder at the enormous stupidity of everyone at the newspaper, passing around evidence and ruining fingerprints, etc., with nary a thought. And you may wonder why a cartoonist is at the high-level meetings. Described as a “retard” and “Boy Scout,” throughout the film, Gyllenhaal looks like he is auditioning for his next role as a gay cowboy.

If you haven’t had your fill of demented serial killers (called mass murderer in the movie), then you might want to annotate the TV series with a first-rate movie.

Catastrophe Averted in Pittsburgh by Pats

DATELINE:  New England Confounds Critics

brady mirror

Tom Brady proved he still has it.

Alas, the rest of the team does not, but Lady Luck proved to be fickle.

The Patriots started to look like losers early on.

You can start with bungled tackles, a missed point after, and an inability to stop Big Ben, as long as you finish with Fate kissing your Super Bowl rings.

It rained cats and dogs and the deluge seemed to leave Bill Belichick without an ark to his name. The Patriots looked like passengers on the Andrea Doria about to hit another ship of destiny off the coast of Cape Cod.

If you hate the Patriots, you saw come-uppance coming ‘round the bend. If you believe in superstitions, you saw how a broken mirror in the off-season has led to catastrophe. Then, it was the Steelers who lost Antonio Brown and seemed cursed by the man who owns the copyright to the Fountain of Youth.

If you hate the Patriots, you shouted, “Curses, foiled again!” as the boys of Deflategate and Spygate gave the Steelers the ultimate gate.

Earlier in the week Tom Brady posted a poem about the lonely tree in the Michigan forest that wanted to be more than kindling.

Tom broke the bough of the poetic holiday tree the week before Xmas.

We almost feel like Marley’s Ghost showed up at Tom’s bedside. He has seen the light of success. You might think of Jacob Marley at Christmas as some bad luck omen of the past come home to roost. He actually saves Tom Brady’s bacon.

Yes, the Patriots did the unthinkable and unbelievable by pulling their bacon out of the fire just in time to win another big one.

Destiny’s child may now be unstoppable and repetitive when the Super Bowl draws near Groundhog Day.

 

Hunting for Zodiac Killer: History (s1) for Openers

DATELINE: Armchair Detectives

 zodiac killer Purported Zodiac Killer

Whether you’re hunting for Hitler or cursing Oak Island, you know you must have clicked onto the streaming History channel.

Their first season of Hunt for the Zodiac Killer delivers exactly what you come to expect from the cable TV’s pop history purveyors. That’s not necessarily a bad thing if you like your reality stars always self-congratulating each other for their brilliant detective skills.

If The Hunt for the Zodiac Killer sounds like one of those fake news documentaries, you probably would be right. Yet, it is a cold case and being insoluable should not mean it is not ripe for re-examination.

Fifty years after the legendary1960s serial murderer unofficially killed 37 innocent people and left a calling card of cryptological taunts with a unbreakable code, the network has assembled a reality show with a formula that can’t miss entertaining fans of psycho monsters running amok.

These researchers give Zodiac his due—and find even more victims to offer History Channel and history buffs.

When you put two retired homicide detectives in the field doing legwork like Sam spade and Philip Marlowe, then match them with a couple of cryptographical scientists and nerds with computers, you stir deliberately.

You have suddenly a fascinating show.

The gum shoes and the nerds play ping-pong with the clues. We keep telling ourselves that a supercomputer that has been programmed to think and act like a serial killer is not a good idea.

We keep wondering when the computer will turn into the Forbin Project supercomputer  or HAL from 2001. Then again, the Zodiac maniac seems even brighter than Carmel, the computerized serial killer finder.

Before you know it, you may be hooked on the revelations. Several police departments refused to cooperate, at their own peril. They look like impediments to the crime solving.

By turning the zodiac killer into a mad genius, the show has a winning formula – and a frightening one.

 

Belichick’s Holiday TV Special Again This Year!

DATELINE:  God Bless Those Steelers Too

merry

Back like the Macy Parade or Peewee Herman for another holiday special, Bill Belichick will host the grandest Xmas party on the streaming web, as in previous jolly seasons.

Unfortunately, only those with access to the DarkNet will be able to download this journey to the dark-side of Christmas in Pittsburgh.

Past holiday specials have been about as much fun as watching Marley’s Ghost drag his chains.

However, Belichick’s Army of Zombie Fans cannot get enough of the best coach in the history of football singing his favorite Xmas carols, including “God Rest Ye Merry Steelers,”  and “Juggled Balls” with Gronk and Cooks.

This year will be even more special than his many past holiday treats.

Tom Brady will be on board for a stocking-stuffer not to be missed. He is expected to reveal that, as he grows younger every day, he has a portrait of Belichick in his attic that grows more sour-looking and ugly with age. You will enjoy it when he presents Belichick with a gift of a “Sock Slider,” for oldsters who need help putting on their shoes.

And you thought that was happening every game on the sidelines!

Another highlight of this year’s holiday show will be when Gronk puts Coach Belichick on his back and they run around the endzone, doing a turkey trot to celebrate the winning touchdown.

It has been a long hard audition this season to find whether the elves, Amendola and Edelman, will double as Tiny Tim. Giving them a hard run for the job is Matthew Slater who has been practicing his “God bless us everyone” ad nauseum.

Another annual moment of levity shall be when owner Mr. Robert Kraft opens his gifts to discover a lifetime supply of dress shirts with different color collars to go with his only white blouse. Some think Roger Goodell will re-gift Kraft with a draft pick.

Guest appearances by Roger Goodell and Jerry Jones are expected as players will try to dunk them into a big watertank by tossing footballs at them from a kneeling position.

President Trump will lie about producing the show and tweet that he was going to be extra special guest of the year, but turned them down. He will then fire Tom Brady.

Marshawn Lynch is expected to spoil the big holiday eggnog when he does a Mexican hat-dance with Belichick, and it brings a thunderstorm over Mexico City.

NFL Network, Roku, Apple TV, and Brit Box are clamoring for exclusive rights to show this annual extravaganza of joy and end-zone celebrations.

Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime, annual tradition (again).