DATELINE: VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN!!!
Each year around the time of Thanksgiving, we hold the Awards Ceremony for the year’s biggest Tofu Turkey. Past winners have all faded from memory. This year’s batch is still on our minds. Your vote means a great deal to the losers.
Our Nominees for 2017
PLANET X: NIBIRU. Several times this year we have been treated to the idea that a mysterious planet was headed toward Earth, bringing with it impending doom. Doomsayers blamed hurricanes and earthquakes on the orbit of Nibiru, a body that comes by Earth every 6000 years. Apparently, this year it has been particularly late. The end of the world passed several times this summer and fall. Had Nibiru hit Earth, it would be the biggest winner of all-time. Alas, it is a flop, or is it planning a comeback in 2018?
AARON HERNANDEZ. The former New England Patriot murderer may be our first posthumous winner of the Tofu Turkey. Despite being acquitted of a double homicide this year, within two weeks, Mr. Hernandez hanged himself in his prison cell with the idea that Massachusetts would thus vacate the first murder conviction, leaving Hernandez an innocent man. Thus, his survivors can sue the NFL and Patriots for millions of dollars for having caused water on the brain, which drove him ultimately mad. He blamed his suicide on the Illuminati.
TWIN PEAKS. After a 25-year hiatus, Director David Lynch came back to his creative baby and wrote and directed 18 hours of a miniseries. In this version, most of the actors died during production or shortly thereafter, leaving memoria at the end of each episode. Frequently confusing and looney, the series had one major drawback: it was entertaining, despite its ridiculous and stupid plot that required star FBI agent D.B. Cooper to cry out at the end of the series, “What year is it?” We couldn’t tell him.
DONALD TRUMP. Becoming the most unpopular president in history, Mr. Trump has defied odds by claiming every bit of news or fact about him is “fake.” His autocratic ego has single-handedly brought back racism to the forefront of American society. His odd relationship to “truth” and “Russian colluders” has led us to compare him to Pontius Pilate. Undermining justice and fair play, he has become America’s Napoleon, Caligula, Nero, and Hitler, rolled into one. He flirts daily with nuclear war with North Korea and may yet send us into a glee club to sing the famous last tune from Dr. Strangelove: “We’ll Meet Again, Just Don’t Know Where or When.”