Giant Anaconda Versus Giant Croc

DATELINE: Captains Ahab? Quint? Hook?

 Ahab Meets Quint.jpg  It’s not a gator.

Holy Mackerel!  They still make movies like this!?? Yes, they sure do—for SyFy.

It’s like a time machine trip back to 1957.  Move over, Mr. Peabody and Sherman.

You know the stars—vaguely: Someone from an Alien movie, or was it a Predator movie in the 1980s?  Someone who used to be a child star on TV in the 1970s who isn’t Neil Patrick Harris.  Isn’t that Freddy Kreuger giving us a Captain Quint performance? Or is he Captain Hook?

Babes in bikinis? Hot cars? Dumb cops? Hayseed nitwit boys? Yep, they’re all present and accounted for in Lake Placid Versus Anaconda.

Someone decided to team up two franchise monsters. We haven’t seen such fireworks since King Kong took on the T-Rex in 1933 or since Gallagher chopped up watermelons to spray on the audience. And this doesn’t need to be colorized; it’s in living, blood-curdling Technicolor

Arty movies? Think pieces? Atmospheric noir? Forget it. It’s time for a really bad movie. Check your brain with the remote control and sit back for a looney ride. Was this direct to video? Someone likely paid to see it on the big screen, but stuff like this hasn’t been at a drive-in since 1964.

We aren’t sure if this is meant to be homage to Merriam C. Cooper or Jack Warner. It’s definitely out of the American International Pictures playbook. We sat in dumb-founded amazement.

Oh, don’t get us wrong. This movie is utterly deplorable, with grandiose plot holes with terrible and unfunny jokes. Maybe the series on Joan and Bette prepared us for this eventuality. This one’s a giant crock all right.