DATELINE: Losers, All
We’ve decided to announce this year’s Tofu Turkey Award winner at our Super Bowl party. How appropriate.
You’d think the year Trump won the presidency would be a year filled with turkeys, but you couldn’t touch the fake turkey dished out during this football season.
Our Nominees have not given a Meryl Streep-style speech to improve the odds of winning by bashing President Trump.
Without ado, here are this year’s candidates:
ROGER GOODELL. Though he ought to be retired into the Hall of Shame of Tofu Turkeys, he is working hard, like Meryl Streep, at playing all kinds of roles and keeping tabs on his bloated salary as Commissioner of NFL crimes. He punishes the innocent and lets the guilty off the hook repeatedly.
LIBERAL ELECTION PROTESTERS. Decrying the hate and intolerance of Trump supporters, these benighted dimwits epitomize the nature of hate and intolerance. We know better than to stand in front of a bunch of marching women. They’d throw out the US Constitution and the Electoral College with the decry baby’s bath water.
COMIC BOOK-BASED MOVIES. Once again we have been inundated with superhero movies, from Suicide Squad to Batman v. Superman. We only wish the wasted billions of dollars to produce drivel had been spent on intelligent, original scripts. Call us if you want one.
DAVID ORTIZ. He retired at the top of his game, but went around the Major League Baseball parks collecting accolades and heaped praise. He won just about every award in New England, and we felt he deserved a shot at being a Tofu Turkey for leaving the game of baseball while playing like a man in his prime.
MARCUS SMART. The Celtics player with the most hairdo-do managed to make an oxymoron out of his own name by fighting with his coaches on the bench during a game—and storming off to the locker room in the fourth quarter. He’s a longshot with a career ahead of him equal to the insanity displayed by Rajon Rondo (retired into the Tofu Turkey Hall of Fame).
Vote early and often, but remember: the popular vote never wins.