Goodell at Patriots Game on Sunday!

DATELINE: Fake Missing Person Solved


Tom Gives Roger a Squeeze

Roger Goodell has upset New England fans by boycotting Gillette Stadium.

Who can blame him? He made his bed—and the air mattress is letting him down. He can’t go back to the Patriots home turf without something ugly and angry thrown his way.

Fans that banned him are now demanding he show up and take the proverbial medicine for his clownish behavior in punishing Tom Brady with a four-game suspension for alleged arrogance.

We are here to tell you that Roger Goodell will indeed be at the championship game on Sunday evening in quaint Foxboro.

Oh, you might say he is there through his hired executive idiot stand-in, name of Troy Vincent. Here’s a man who once played for the Jets and holds it against the Patriots.

You could say Goodell will be there through his referees. Like good soldiers, they will be obedient to the cause—likely finding as many penalties as possible to stop the Patriots dead, and Tom Brady dead a hundred times.

Goodell won’t be happy until Brady is physically assaulted and knocked out of the game—roughing the passer as a missed call.

Goodell will indeed be there to see this. You will sense his presence. He permeates the air. He permeates the air waves. Every commercial, money-making moment of the game belongs to him.

Goodell won’t be Marley’s ghost because Marley had a sense of altruism and fair play.  He won’t be there in the form of a ghost, but his spirit will dominate like a dank, dreary spectre.

Oh, you can count on it. Roger Goodell will be in Foxboro for the game.

You will feel him in every wind chill, in every odiferous and hackneyed penalty.  He will be there to deny the Patriots three times in Biblical tradition.