Patriots Go Hirsute or Bust

DATELINE: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow


George Jefferson or Jacoby Brissett?

It must be bye-bye week.

Patriot rookies have said goodbye to their hair.  Yes, in an unspoken ritual that dares not speak its name: hazing, we found that the few good young men that managed to make this year’s team paid dearly for it.

Joe Thuney has made a startling impact, giving the team a reliable bodyguard for Tom Brady. Thuney looked like a seasoned vet for most of the season—and now as playoffs approach, he appears like a middle-aged man who has lost a good deal of hair. The job of protecting Brady is stressful, for sure.

Yes, it looks like someone took a lawnmower straight down the middle of his head. We presume this is how the parting of the Red Sea might have appeared to the Pharoah’s men.

Thuney told bemused media members that he “just wanted to change it up a bit,” and selected this non-conformist style. He seemed just fine with the new ‘do.  Tough guys don’t complain about something so trivial as a patch of hair. (Wes Welker might disagree).

Thuney insisted his hair was too long on top and he was ready for a new look. We expect many third-graders in fandom shall strive to emulate this startling fashion statement.

On the other hand, rookie quarterback Jacoby Brissett wore a hat in the locker room, defying any to gaze upon his mysterious coiffure. Said player Patrick Chung, “He looked like George Jefferson.” We presume for a time he shall not be recognizable to Weezie.

Thank heavens these men are grown adults. If they were in college, there would likely be wholesale suspensions from the team.