DATELINE: Skip the Gutter
Unlike some slob players on sidelines of NFL games, having someone spray a stream of Gatorade into their open mouths, Tom Brady is far more fastidious. No, he doesn’t use a straw. He sips.
You don’t see him taking the fluid on the fly. Nor will he do the intravenous method. Tom eschews the brandy snifter on the sideline and the martini glass, though his drink is stirred, not shaken.
He drinks a special potion. He now reveals to the world that it is not melted avocado ice cream, his favorite. No, this is a specially made concoction, prepared to specific measurements by the training staff. Yes, these are the same people who used to deflate footballs for Tom.
Now they are finding sour lemons and squeezing the fluid into a cup, which is mixed with secret ingredients that are better hidden than McDonald’s secret sauce.
Tom admits there are electrolytes with the lemons, apparently to give it an added jolt. There are no sugars or other illicit drugs banned by the NFL.
You can bet your bottoms up that Roger Goodell will have this magic elixir tested by the crack natural gas scientists under retainer by the NFL.
We have heard from our secret sources that Tom is imbibing a special recipe designed by Ponce de Leon in 1512. It is from some iron-rich spring water source that also imbues drinkers with eternal youth.