DATELINE: Hope in a Straitjacket
From here onward, every humor piece on the Patriots will be an exercise in whistling past the graveyard. Gronk is not yet Marley’s ghost, but he is the Spirit of Super Bowls Past.
Gronk is gone, out, lost, for the unforeseeable future.
Every Patriot talks like another man will step up. They always do. Swami Belichick seemed as dour as usual, alluding to Gronk’s work ethic. The Grim Reaper seems to be hovering near the Patriot locker room.
Do some fans think he will return for the Super Bowl?
If he does, he should be fitted for a strait-jacket. The man’s health and future take precedence over the entertainment of the masses. We have left that kind of sadistic athleticism back at the Roman Colosseum.
Gronk may look like a gladiator, but he is not some slave to the NFL. As much as he loves the game, he cannot be allowed to make childish decisions against his own future.
When you talk about game changers, this will now top the list and trump Brady’s revenge tour. Tom’s aide-de-camp in overturning Goodell has now been relegated to the recovery room.
Shall we preface every light-hearted piece with the funeral tones of a cortege? We have lost our humor heart—and it may take some time to recover it.
If Scrooge Belichick ever needed a Christmas carol, now is the time. We believe for the first time, we shall cancel the annual Belichick Christmas Show that we have provided to readers for the past few years.
Celebrating would be like break-dancing with a bad back.