Decent Al Horford Attacked for Paternity Leave

DATELINE:  Vile Radio Blabber at It Again

al-in-pastel Al in Pastel

Now we have heard it all.

During Monday’s Celtics game, we noticed that Al Horford was not there. DNP. We feared he had relapsed on his long suffering concussion, but no.

His wife gave birth to a daughter, his second child. He chose to be with them at this particular moment. What? You mean he gave up playing a regular season game and took the huge salary (which likely goes into a college trust for his new born child).

Yet, some rabid media radio hacks have attacked him for being insensitive to his contractual obligations—and the young men to whom he is an idol, a leader, and chief bromancer. That is, his teammates.

Quite frankly, we were surprised that cultured, well-spoken, charming private Al Horford was even married. He is a breath of fresh air among today’s denizens of the basketball court.

To give up a game (and take the money) for reasons that are not business has confounded media whores. We were reminded briefly of the day when Sandy Koufax declined to pitch a World Series game because his faith required him to attend to Yom Kippur.

Imagine that? The game that puts food on the table is secondary to “other things.” What would Lawrence of Arabia say to that?

We have come to enjoy every second of Al Horford on the parquet. He looks good even in pastel green, as well as shamrock green. He makes it look easy and is in full control. We are sad when he misses even a moment of a shift, but we do think there are indeed loyalties in life to “other things.”

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Clinton Supporters Blackball Their Friends Post-Election

DATELINE:  Unpleasant Discovery

batman-versus-superwoman

Thanksgiving is over, but not the political brawls.

Though many wanted to avoid politics during the traditional dinner, it was truly unnecessary. Offended parties likely avoided breaking bread with the newly minted, newly hated enemy: Victors of the Trump campaign.

We found that this number of indignant and raging sore losers were all Clinton supporters. They demonized anyone who voted for Trump as a racist, homophobe, and misogynist. This turn of events only occurred after the votes were counted.

They were prepared to continue to be your hypocritical friend if Clinton had won—and gloat over your support for Trump.

If Hillary had won, they might have been more tolerant.

Friends of long-standing now have unfriended Trump supporters and blocked their calls.  If you had exchanged birthday cards for decades, or helped a friend through a crisis or two, you now learned that your vote for Trump made you anathema. Excommunicated.

It is certainly bracing to learn that people you liked and trusted for years really harbored a contempt for your politics that they could no longer forgive.

Not everyone who voted for Trump is racist, but Clinton supporters have broadened the definition to include anyone who didn’t agree with Hillary.

We find it interesting that the people who decried hate and haters turn out to be the worst offenders.

If you expect to call your former friends and Trump supporters with an apology, it may not work this time. And if you expect your quondam friends to recant their votes, that too is unlikely.

Perhaps it is indeed a time for giving thanks for finding out who your true friends are. Life teaches many unpleasant lessons and is patently unfair often—but finding out those you believed to be your friends are miserable and unfaithful is definitely a shocker.

Sweet Tasting Turnovers Propel Patriots

EINSTEIN'S PICK

DATELINE: Super Nova Puff

Whatever can you say about the Patriots beating the Jets?

Did they deserve to win?  Probably not, if you based the game on the first three quarters. Alas, for Jet fans, the game must be played to its full conclusion.

Without Gronk, mystery injured in the first quarter without a yard to his name, the team looked like Bambi in the headlights. And Harvard passer Ryan Fitzgerald looked like he had just studied string theory. He pulled Brady’s third string defensive line.

As for Tom Terrific, he looked like a man who had missed his gold-dust capsule treatment usually washed down with icy mineral spring water. He seemed gimpy and stiff, missing on third down passes often.

However, despite the problems, something returned that we had not seen all season: raspberry turnovers.

Yes, the Patriots have feasted on turnovers for a dozen years—until this season when a diet seemed to omit the tasty turnovers. Now, we had three turnovers: one of every variety and stripe, from stripped balls from the quarterback to fumble recoveries.

Oh, how tasty indeed the turnover menu makes palatable a so-so game. It was so delicious that it inspired Brady to turn on his youthful energy in the final ten minutes. It certainly meant he would tie Peyton Manning for 200 victories, a milestone amid the gall stones that the Jets forced down Tom’s disrespected urethra.

And we don’t mean Urethra Franklin. But you know how to spell R—E-S-P-E-C-T, N-F-L.

In the weeks ahead, the W in the victor’s column will not have any asterisks nearby. It will simply be another notch in Tom Brady’s gun-belt.

Fake News Finds a Home in Boggy Blogging

 DATELINE:  Wiki-poop Dumps on Wiki-leaks

Mr. Mucus

 

Fake news is putting satire out of business.

Yes, people hate satire because, unlike stand-up, you cannot pin down satire.

Just ask the Huffington people, or our favorite form of satire: Wikipedia, which is satiric history on an encyclopedic level.

Then again we frequently confuse Wikipedia with Wikileaks. This had led us to once consider calling our blog Wikipoo, an unauthorized version of the truncated and abridged  Wikipoop.

There is a saying that you cannot satirize humor, though we have proven that false for years by becoming a conspiracy theorist.

In our estimate, Pizzagate is a conspiracy against anchovies. However, false news reports apparently mean it is something to do with children abusing delivery pizza joints.

If we were to give it the Wikipoop report, you’d find it something akin to Whistle-gate, our indictment of the NFL for calling pass interference at the drop of a ball, or our personal creation, Deflate-gate, created to sell Tom Brady more than Peyton Manning as a spokesman.

All in all, we are all for fake news. Why should the media be treated any different than the journalists who regularly appear on Ancient Aliens and Hangar One? If you disbelieve fake news, you may find yourself taken away to Area 51, America’s name for a gulag. Of course, you may just find yourself the victim of missing time.

As we grow older, we think the idea of missing time is part of the Alzheimer’s conspiracy— fake medical news designed to prevent wizened old wiseguys from making jokes.

Reddit will probably refuse to run our satire today because we never mentioned Trump. Fake news, you gotta love it.

Back in Time Movies: Final Countdown Wins

DATELINE: Past Tense

 kirk-douglas-counts-down

A couple of time travel movies caught our eye for the Turkey Day film festival, and only one turned out to be a turkey.

We went back in time to see 11/22/63, based on the Stephen King novel about a time traveler who intends to stop Lee Harvey Oswald from killing President JFK, and in The Final Countdown, a modern aircraft carrier is transported back to Pearl Harbor on Dec. 7, 1941.

Both films debate the conundrum and moral dilemma of changing the past—but actually both films are ersatz Twilight Zone episodes. One is about nine hours and the other is about 90 minutes. Can you guess which one has more suspense?

James Franco, looking worse for the wear, is the history teacher who finds a time portal in a diner that returns him (repeatedly, it seems) to a day in 1960. We can say the cars used in all those scenes of the early 60s were stunning. And, if the best you can say is that the old cars made the movie interesting, you have a problem.

Without knowing all the minute details of the Kennedy conspiracy, you might be a bit lost. To top it off, most of the film forces us to bear a tiresome love story that is supposed to give us a poignant ending.

And, time in 11/22/63 looks like it learned its fateful tricks that the past does not want to be changed—and resists. Of course, the USS Nimitz learns the same lesson about changing the past. Both stars (Douglas and Franco) used their production companies to make the movies.

The better movie of 1980 features Kirk Douglas, with fresh face lift, Martin Sheen, and Charles Durning as a troublesome senator from the past who causes most of the problems. Lucky for the script, there is an amateur historian on the ship who knows all the details about the Pearl Harbor attack and can fill us in to move the story along.

Nonetheless, the Final Countdown is a pleasure to watch—nothing out of date really, except the concept. The movie about one day drags on for three years and endless episodes, including the usual odd antics of Franco and his male costar.

Countdown seems to have been overshadowed by The Philadelphia Experiment in the time travel sweepstakes, but don’t count your chickens before they jump off the bridge of time. Kirk Douglas on the Nimitz beats Michael Pare on the Eldridge every time.

 

 

 

 

Hampshire College, Go Home!

DATELINE: Majors in Ignorance

Dumb America

Those wacky undergraduates at Hampshire College in the People’s Republic of Amherst are at it again. This time, again, their enablers are the wackier administration of Hampshire College.

Yes, they burned the American flag because they are sore losers. They don’t like Trump. This is their freedom of expression—to deny the system that gave them a vote.

And after allowing a day of mourning (equal to no classes) and providing grief counselors to the offended student body, now the administration over in the aggrieved republic have caved in to the revolutionaries—and taken down the flag.

Yes, folks, welcome to the Un-US, a calorie-free version of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to placate a bunch of spoiled, coddled, and paying customers, Hampshire College has said, “Give us liberty, and give us your money!”

The high paying students are always right. And Hampshire is making sure they are the answer to Trump University, by emulating it from the other end of the spectrum.

Yes, within the People’s Republic of Amherst, we now have a gulag for any Republican or patriotic American who want the country to be great again. We’d deport all those Hampshire students, but they tend to resemble home-grown terrorists.

What’s next for these bright lights of America’s future? We suspect they will try to overturn the Electoral College, the Congress, and borders. The US of A will become a blob of sanctuary campuses on the map.

Welcome to all the tired, huddled masses that want anarchy and an end to democracy.

 

 

Jets Provide Patriots with Another Bye Week

DATELINE:  Bye Bye Birdie Jets

 

brady-prepares-for-big-game  Tom & Playbook

Every media outlet in the United States with alleged sports experts have predicted that this week the New England Patriots have a bye week.

Tom Brady can rest his weary bones, after having been hit from every angle several weeks ago by head hunting tackles. He does not have to wrest a win with his struggling defensive team giving up point after point. Gulp hard, Pats.

Oh, wait, you mean the Pats are playing the Jets?

We barely recognize this team any more, or any less. Without Rex Ryan and his gang of little rascals, the Jets seem more like the Mats. Everyone wipes his clod-hopping  feet on the Jets before moving on.

Can it be that every pundit of NFL tea leaves can be wrong?

Can it be that Revis Island will have one last great game in honor of his season with the Patriots at the Super Bowl? Will he sing “Bali Hai”?

Carousel.Is it possible that the Meadowlands will turn into Elysian Fields where the Wicked Witch can make it snow somnambulistic flakes?

We live in a world where Mitt Romney can call Donald Trump a phony and be rewarded with a Secretary of State job. No wonder the Jets have high hopes. They feel like the ant that can move the rubber tree plant.

Don’t say the ant can’t.

We remember a story when ants could use fallen leaves to cross a mighty moat to attack Charlton Heston playing Tom Brady.

There is no justice in a world where fate controls the NFL. If history can be recalled correctly, the original Patriots lost the Battle of Bunker Hill, though the consensus lives a lie.

We prefer to sing a ditty from West Side Story. Once you’re a Jet, you’re a loser for life. In the meantime, the Jets are singing “Climb Every Mountain,” from their hopeless Carousel.

Patriots Looking at a Mutiny?

 DATELINE:  Jabaal the Hutt?

jabaal-the-hutt

 

When asked about his defensive players, Coach Swami Belichick became defensive.

Media questions always are offensive at Gillette Stadium, even from the reluctant to make waves local press. But, the press pulled no punches when asking about the “benching” of Jabaar the Hutt Sheard, whose behavior resembles Mr. Christian on the Bounty.

We know who has been set adrift—and Sheard is no Marlon Brando.

And, Belichick is like Charles Laughton: Henry the Eighth and Captain Blight roled into one. All spelling deliberate. Twenty lashes with a wet noodle for Sheard. His pal Jamie Collins was sent to Siberia, now located in Cleveland, and Sheard wants his own gulag.

To top off the defensive realignment in Foxboro, another defensive star starter will be a non-starter for four weeks. Yep, Alan Branch has been pruned by the NFL for allegedly using marijuana before it is legal in Massachusetts in December.

Someone should have informed him that the liberating vote did not repeal usage immediately.

If you have a sense that the SS Patriot boat has been rocked, you probably have already headed for the lifeboat with Captain Bligh Belichick. We are not witnessing anything akin to the Caine Mutiny or Mutiny on the Bounty, but we do think Bounty paper towels won’t be able to clean up this mess. You Caine count on it.

Will this rock the Patriots, preventing an appearance in the Super Bowl? Or will it send them to the Toilet Bowl without a thought of the post-season, thus ruining Brady’s revenge?

Stay tuned, all you defensive stooges. Slowly, Swami Belichick turns…step by step….

Tom Brady as Rainmaker

 DATELINE: Homecoming

Brady as ballboy

It poured in Tom Brady’s first game in San Francisco since the Great Earthquake. This time the disaster was a heavy rainfall. For Tom, one of the great bad weather QBs in NFL history, it was a time to sing and to dance.

Brady grew up in the Bay Area—and was a devoted and fanatical 49ers fan. At age twelve, some of the Niners actually signed his athletic shoe. That all changed in 2000 when he changed his shoes to a more Revolutionary War style, befitting New England.

Brady later said he preferred sunshine and 72 degrees, but this did not prevent his fourth quarter attacks that put hopeful opponents to bed.

Rainmakers used to be welcome sights in wayward, dry spots—and lacking winning teams lately, San Francisco certainly qualifies as arid in terms of playoff hopes.

With the region of California in severe drought, as Brady said his parents had informed him, he was happy to bring the rain clouds to rain on Colin Caponneck’s parade.

Bill Belichick claimed to be oblivious for the reason there seemed to be so many New England fans in San Francisco. Apparently he is the only one on the team who failed to notice that both Brady and Julian Edelman are native sons.

Indeed, Brady seemed intent on giving hometown fans a taste of New England. He threw a bunch of passes to Edelman to stoke the flames of those hundreds, if not thousands, who came to the game to see local boys make good.

Frisco ‘Niners & Vertigo for Patriots

DATELINE: Heartless in Boston

then & now  Tom in other uniform.

Though he grew up in San Francisco under the shadow of the 49ers, Tom Brady did not leave his heart there. He packed it up and moved it to Boston.

Alas, the Patriots did leave their heart in Boston. Gronk did not make the trip to San Francisco to ride the little cable cars to more TDs. We still aren’t sure if Gronk has a punctured heart or whether he has lost a grid- iron lung.

We still have Tom, thank heavens. Unlike the Hitchcock hero in Vertigo, Tom has no fear of high throwing passes.

Tom let it be known on his Facespace page, that 17 years in Boston trumps growing up in the Bay Area. Tom has a new home—and talk about trading him when his skills fade now seems an academic point, far far from reality.

You have a tale of two QBs in heartless San Fran this week. One has expressed his annoyance in a Foot Locker commercial, and the other has expressed his annoyance by refusing to vote and taking a knee during the National Anthem.

Colin Caponneck probably leaves you speechless when it comes to freedom of speech. How can he cram so much hair on his pinhead into a helmet?

If there is justice in the realm of DraftFan betting, Tom Brady should be running off with the knife and spoon as the odds-on favorite to win this game.

Trump Issues the Price of Doing Business with the NFL

DATELINE: Men With Goldilocks

 TomTom's HairDooDoo

When President-Elect Trump speaks, Roger Goodell goes green around his slimey gills.

So it is today when Trump called Tom Brady “totally innocent,” of Deflategate.  Do we see a Presidential Pardon in the works?

Goodell better hope he will not need one sometime down the road. We suspect the Donald does not see Roger Goodell as an “honorable man.”

Yes, that was the phrase Mr. Trump used to describe his long-time, good buddy from the links.  The last time we heard anyone insist that he knew an honorable man, it was Marc Antony in Shakespeare’s famous speech: yep, the one in which he keeps saying, “Brutus is an honorable man.”

Et tu, Donald!

Stick it to Goodell at every chance. You don’t think there could be bad blood between our next President and the President of Arbitrary Injustice?

We believe Donald Trump sued the NFL some years ago—and won a nominal chunk of change.  Yes, it was a sound dollar back when America was great. Nowadays that dollar is worth a plug nickel.

The cabinet posts in the new Administration are filling up fast. Tom Brady may not need to join Mitt Romney and Ted Cruz at Trump Tower. But, we know that no call has gone out to Goodell or his slimey minions down the street in their tower.

If Donald Trump could appoint a new Commissioner of the NFL, you can bet your deflated dollar it would not be offered to Goodell.

Robert Kraft Has Audience with Pope Trump

DATELINE:  Trump’s Kitchen Cabinet

 Trumped

Not two days after Jonathan Kraft stated that the New England Patriots did not endorse any candidate for President, owner Robert Kraft showed up at Trump Tower.  We suspect he did not show up for an audience with the Pope.

Speculation is rampant that Kraft will beg Trump not to offer Bill Belichick a position in the new Administration. Some sporty pundits believe Trump is greatly impressed with how Belichick handles the press and media.

The other possible candidate for a cabinet-level position is Tom Brady. Who can ever forget that Brady and Belichick’s names were used by Trump on election eve in New Hampshire? As a result, it was another New England state he lost overall.

Had he invoked the name of Lyin’ Crooked Roger Goodell, Trump might have won the popular vote.

Trump reportedly wants to name an openly gay man as UN ambassador. We are not sure if this lets out Brady or Sarah Palin.

There is now a petition circulating in Boston to move the Patriots to a red state, perhaps Cuba. Since Roger Goodell is for expanding the NFL into other countries, we suspect he wants Brady to be the NFL Man in Havana.

Liberal friends who have been on the sunny side of hysterical since election night now call to confirm their suspicions that the NFL is a racist, homophobic, misogynist organization.

Hell, we could have told you that after looking at the NFL police blotter.

But, the NFL does have a female referee in their appalling ranks of bad callers of pass interference.

Tom Brady’s Foot Locker tirade in a hilarious turn of the screw TV commercial will likely not be aired during NFL games. And, Goodell allegedly has nominated Tom for the Supreme Court, owing to all his legal experience over the past two years.

Goodell may receive what he wants, but not in the way he wants it.

Tom Brady’s Tirade on Deflategate

DATELINE:  A Modest Brady Proposal

 Brady beauty rest

Is this really satire? See Tom’s video

According to a new advertisement for athletic shoes, Tom Brady makes fun of Deflategate. Oh, really?  There is a strong streak of genuine anger in Brady’s tirade at a lunch counter.

Brady eating at a lunch counter is almost as ridiculous as Peyton Manning in a supermarket line in his bathrobe, wandering around with nothing to do now that he is retired. Of course, the outright silliness of millionaire Manning pulling a coupon out of his pocket for the checkout person may be more insulting than funny.

So, it’s Tom Brady’s turn. When he overhears two goofballs (one black, one Asian) debating greatness, Brady jumps in. Well, we presume he knows something about being great. The chumps are dumb-founded when Brady pontificates about assumptions turning into vacations.

We had to think about that one for about two seconds. Oh, yes, vacation is the euphemism for suspension, and as all Brady loyalists know, Tom took the semi-billionaire wife to Italy for cannolis. (He was photographed naked sunbathing on his private veranda).

You’d think he was Brad Pitt or someone like that. Brady looks like a movie star, and has had the requisite work to maintain his chiseled features.

Tom makes interesting commercials, compared to Peyton Manning—or even Aaron Rodgers. After the mattress commercial earlier this year, this one for sneakers walks away with elan.

But, we insist again, it isn’t satire. It’s a release of his anger in a productive and lucrative way.

Patriots at a Loss Against Seattle

DATELINE: Down on Defense

Brady beauty rest

Like Hillary Clinton a few scans days ago, we decided not to attend the post game celebration. Like Hillary that glass ceiling above us remains.and dancing on the glass ceiling are the Seattle Seahawks

Don’t talk to us of Super Bowl previews. Somewhere in the night Roger Goodell was smiling. Not only were the Patriots defeated badly, Tom Brady hurt his knee.

Gronk and Brady were gracious in defeat. We could hear the words of Hillary Clinton in our ears. Their egos looks more bruised then anything else.

Bill Belichick still has not found a defense—as his team usually misses tackles. However, Russell Wilson looked like the Second Coming of Tom Brady. Ten years ago, that was Tom.

If the game disappointed you, you probably shouldn’t stay up to watch the Super Bowl. No, we mean the super moon on this night. It won’t happen again for about 20 years. No, not the Super Bowl. We mean Tom winning the big one. Brady will be in that event in 2024 when the Super Moon will have fans howling.

When the Patriots lose, it’s a night only Larry Talbot can love.  If you don’t know Larry, you don’t know bad horror. It’s only a paper Moon, and it’s only one game. It isn’t the game that’s the last game that bestows glory and a trophy.

So, like Hillary Clinton, we offer our concession to the tried and blue state Seahawks under a papier–mâché Moon.

Patriots & Seahawks: Buzz of Pregame Maggots

 DATELINE: Big Game Hype

while tom sleeps

 When the Patriots play the Seahawks in November, it’s just another game—or is it?

At mid-season, with ratings down, and mediocrity on the rise among weekly contests, pundits have elevated the Sunday night encounter from past Super Bowl teams to something akin to a Trump rally. It’s more likely to resemble Hillary’s no-show at the Javits Center on election night.

With Trump supporters Tom Brady and Bill Belichick on one team, you may expect Bernie Sanders protesters to take the field at half-time. Patriot fans are seeing red in a blue state.

The deaf, dumb, and blind media wants to know if Brady will be part of Trump’s kitchen cabinet, and Brady’s wife has threatened to cut off their tails with a carving knife.

Have you ever seen such a sight in your life?

The hype for this game is like watching paint dry, or worse, waiting for your iPhone to crawl to update status.

Fantasy football is the new norm, and this game really is secondary to the success of its parts. Here the individual stats of the stars outshine the notion of teamwork and a winning score.

The parts are more interesting than the sum of the score. The game is like Trans-America credit card scores: use your credit, and your score plummets. Pay on time, and you have a stalemate. There are no winners or losers in mid-November.

Waiting for the Patriots and Seahawks will encourage pre-game analysis by so-called election experts. We just learned how accurate that stuff is.

This game appears to be an appetizer to hold you over until the new season of Hunting Hitler and Curse of Oak Island begin on Wednesday night. It’s a little early for Life Below Zero.