DATELINE: Do Nothing UGGLY
Tom Brady gave a press conference this week, but he didn’t like what he heard—and what he said was only visible if looks could kill. Tom was saintly.
With Tom’s old golfing buddy Donald Trump under assailment from women who claim they knew the mogul all too well, Tom was assaulted with a media question that usually sends Bill Belichick into his most miserable demeanor.
Tom cannot help but look charming, even if he wants to vomit.
So, when asked about the effect of Trump’s sexual peccadilloes on his children, Tom smiled benignly, like St. Francis of Asissi had just freed a llama from a heavy load up the Andes Mountains.
He thanked all and walked briskly off stage and into the bowels of Gillette Stadium, leaving a few tittering sports reporters, and a few other cursing the interloper who put a banana in Tom’s tailpipe.
This coincided with an Uggs commercial he made recently with Julian Edelman. His primary receiver has been at him to make one of Julie E’s patented humor videos for years—and Tom has graciously declined, leaving Julian to cast punting roommate Ryan Allen as Everyman.
In his Uggs debut, thanks to Tom’s divine intervention, Julian wants Tom’s full attention as Tom plays couch potato—and engages in every irritating activity a little brother might use—from playing drums loudly to snapping popcorn package filler. Whatever looney device emerges from Julian’s demented mind, Tom ignores him until finally Edelman is prostrate on the floor, comatose from hyperactivity.
We are not sure whether the Uggs commercial was art imitating life, or merely a psychological depiction of the order of Brady’s mind.